AIBU re DP's hobby?

[namechange0009]

Sorry this is going to be long and boring!

DP has a sport related hobby. He started it last year and has done really well so far, losing a lot of weight and getting very fit. He has done great and I'm pleased for him. He's starting to enter competitions this season and kept hinting at getting a coach to help him with his training sessions. This is costing £50pm which I agreed to as he's getting lots of support and a personalised training plan. We are on a tight budget but have been able to stretch to this, which I have no issue with.

Until now, he's been contacting his coach every day who has been getting back to him at about 7 or 8pm (he's very busy as he runs a business related to the sport) with his training for that night. It usually takes over an hour, and can be done indoors. This leaves me to cook tea, do the dishes etc near enough every night because he's usually not finished until at least 9. Then I'm not getting to bed until very late because of this. He's also expected to do the sport outside on a Sunday for 4/5 hours. I am a SAHM to a toddler who doesn't sleep through the night and I am exhausted. I do 90% of the housework. DP works full time. My only opportunity for some extra sleep is at the weekend when DP will take DD downstairs in the morning and I can sleep for a couple of hours more.

He's been saying for a while that his coach will be sending him a set plan to follow so he will know what he's doing each night. I was pleased about this as him finding out what session he's doing each night and starting so late really irritates me and makes my evenings difficult.

He's just sent me details of the plan and it goes like this:

Monday - rest day
Tuesday - no evening training as it can be incorporated in to his work day
Wednesday - evening training (at least 1 hour probably)
Thursday - same as Tuesday
Friday - evening training
Saturday - 2/3 hours outside and also a session inside
Sunday - 4/5 hours outside and inside session

Would anyone else have a problem with this? Usually when he goes out on a Sunday he will be adamant that he will be back by lunch time but the majority of the time he doesn't turn up back at home until at least 3pm and doesn't even contact me to let me know. I have been extremely supportive and reasonable the whole time he's done this and not complained. I didn't realise how much of a piss take the Sunday thing was until we visited the in-laws this weekend and he went out on Sunday, promised to be back for lunch time and turned up at 4pm. MIL was very angry with him and told me that if it was my SIL or any of her friends he would be 'carrying his head' (weird expression I've never heard!) and would not get away with it.

I don't have much of an issue with the training in the week as technically he will have free evenings on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday but the Tues/Thurs are very weather dependant and often he will drive when he's promised he's not taking the car.

I replied to him saying 'so you'll be doing it both days on a weekend? What a piss take' and I don't know if it was an over reaction. I am generally quite laid back and we hardly argue. I just think at least he's doing something to keep him fit rather than going out on the piss like a few people I know.

I'd love to know other people's thoughts on this as I'm really not sure if I'm over reacting or not?

His commute c/would be lots of sprint type training between lights, and uphill too rather than long endurance rides. I know nothing about cycling either [have learned to tune it out a long time ago] but isn't it effectively interval training on a bike?

He's also got a toddler [aka a small germy monster] in the house. Just saying

Tread I think some of the issue with club rides is that we have moved house recently and now if he wants to join them, he has to ride 16 miles to the start and 16 miles back at the end (we lived literally round the corner before). If they are riding out towards where we live now then he will just join them en route. The extra miles add on about an hour each way. They ride at the pace of the slowest rider too which sometimes slows them down. Although I'm not making excuses for him

I know the n+1 rule well. I wish I didn't haha!

We are trying to sort out dd's sleep at the moment. We have gone down from 3 wake ups a night to 1 recently which is great but not perfect. Work in progress unfortunately

Yes its interval training I think. The commute combines the training on a Tuesday and Thursday but he needs to do a different type of training on the turbo on a Wednesday and Friday (a strength session and a short cadence one are the words he used).

The illness was a sick bug which has been going round. The only lady in the cycling club (who is also an elite racer) has also had it and hasn't been on the bike for a month

I can see why he can't go out with the 'club group' if they are paced by the slowest rider it is just wasting his time. As others have said he can go out early on a weekend morning and the mid-week training is not really a problem. I also understand the need to get in X number of miles per week, but these should be quality miles not quantity for the sake of it.

What level qualifications does the 'coach' have to set these programmes -
to my way of thinking (as a track coach) he should be training with people
of an equal or better ability to him in order to make progression, so I think he needs to explore the way of finding this type of coaching group. There
are 'club' situation coaching and groups of 'above club level' athletes who
train together , but not as part of a single dedicated club.

Whatever he does I would give him a year to see how good he really is and if he does not cut it he can revise his expectations, if you don't give him a chance it could be that he will always resent this.

To those who suggest he put the child on the back of his bike in a child seat - you are really so far off the mark as to understanding the level of training he is doing - this would be so dangerous as to be an impossibility.

Thanks for the advice cats. Not sure about the coach as I don't know too much about him. He owns the bike shop and coaches a team of semi-pro riders who are all doing well. I think his family are all bikey people. His brother used to work as a coach for team Sky iirc. Obviously that doesn't mean he's a good coach but he seems like he knows his stuff. He's only just started offering coaching to non race team club members so I think my DP is one of the first to take him up on it. He's got a nutrition plan and does regular power tests etc. If DP is happy with it then I don't have much of a problem with the coaching. Plus it gets him a large discount at the shop which is a plus.

I'm definitely willing to give him a chance. He used to play rugby for county before I met him but had to stop playing due to an injury so I think he feels like a bit of a failed sportsman, so I'm glad he's found something else he can focus on instead.

He's only just decided to mention that the Wednesday and Friday sessions are only 20 minutes long which is a lot better than I anticipated.

Then he gets up 30 mins early on a Wednesday and a Friday to do his session before he has his shower to go to work ... That leaves evenings completely free for family / couple time and he still gets his training session in.

Impossible that's a very good idea. I believe it's better to do a session before eating too so it would work well. Thanks

Glad your original response to him was not so mild he could mistake it for agreement! This sort of thing needs negotiation!

First: I expect that since he has a coach, this is costing him nicely out of pocket. Self-directed fitness programs are costly enough with kit, shoes and gadgets, a coach and probably event fees are that much more. I would expect equivalent ££ to be deposited in a seperate for your to use for YOUR mental and physical health needs. Which you define as you wish: from saving for a solo trip, to a once a week childminder or housecleaning (which relieves some of the stress of him being busy so many nights and weekends), to joining a gym (with a creche) to investing in your business if you want.

Second: Both days of the weekend are too much. DC deserves one full day a week of dad as primary carer. If you are involved, it's because you have been asked/invited. What's more, you expect this to carry on until DC is old enough to negotiate a different plan. Like work M-F, this is a basic fact of life and it's priority is higher than anything except maybe work. Present it as a choice for his and DC's long term relationship health. Just as important as his physical health. Do not let him see it as a favor to you. It isn't. (Though, handily, it gives you a lie in day, and a day to come and do as you please.)

Third: how long is this schedule meant to carry on? Until he reaches a particular fitness goal or is this is in preparation for a particular event? If so, only agree to it up until that date, with the understanding that after that, he goes into 'maintenance' mode for several months, to focus on things other than his health and to allow you some months in which you could have evenings and weekends devoted to your interests, while he is main parent after hours. Look ahead and actually have plans!

It's great that he has improved his health, etc. but as a family man, his hobby will have to be cyclical, because there are other demands on his time.

He definitely needs to find a group of like-minded guys then, who ride as hard and fast as he does. Sunday club runs are great for ordinary road cyclists, but if you're racing then regular faster riders are better training, more bang for your buck so to speak, as you get more training stress out of the same amount of time spent.

Can he find a team or just a bunch of local guys (don't have to be from the same team as him) to ride with?

If you're 25, you find out pretty quick if you have proper talent. If he's not up to 2nd cat or halfway to 1st cat by the end of this season, he's not really that "good". I mean, definitely good enough to be a good "hobbyist" but not going anywhere in terms of the sport at its higher levels. Which is actually ok because in that case, local races will be fine for him, he won't have to travel to find higher level ones.

TTing is actually a good shout as the training is done mostly solo, and the races tend to be very early in the morning. But while the race entry is cheap but the equipment is £££.

It all sounds OTT, unnecessary and unfair. You should both have a fair share of time and money, and time together and with your DC. And do fair shares of domestic work.

I agree with all those (everyone?) who has said that cycling 2 days of the weekend is too much. Week nights plus one day of weekend fine IMO.
Then you get the other day to do as you please, either alone or family time as you choose.
But, I don't agree at all that domestic chores should be split when one parent is at home. I think the one at home should do all of it Monday to Friday getting all the laundry, shopping etc done then. Weekends minimal hw, just day to day stuff should be shared. I know on mn many think the chores should be shared, but from personal experience I don't know anyone who is a sahp who doesn't do it all.

It seems that you are working hard to make this work between you...good