AIBU re DP's hobby?

[namechange0009]

Sorry this is going to be long and boring!

DP has a sport related hobby. He started it last year and has done really well so far, losing a lot of weight and getting very fit. He has done great and I'm pleased for him. He's starting to enter competitions this season and kept hinting at getting a coach to help him with his training sessions. This is costing £50pm which I agreed to as he's getting lots of support and a personalised training plan. We are on a tight budget but have been able to stretch to this, which I have no issue with.

Until now, he's been contacting his coach every day who has been getting back to him at about 7 or 8pm (he's very busy as he runs a business related to the sport) with his training for that night. It usually takes over an hour, and can be done indoors. This leaves me to cook tea, do the dishes etc near enough every night because he's usually not finished until at least 9. Then I'm not getting to bed until very late because of this. He's also expected to do the sport outside on a Sunday for 4/5 hours. I am a SAHM to a toddler who doesn't sleep through the night and I am exhausted. I do 90% of the housework. DP works full time. My only opportunity for some extra sleep is at the weekend when DP will take DD downstairs in the morning and I can sleep for a couple of hours more.

He's been saying for a while that his coach will be sending him a set plan to follow so he will know what he's doing each night. I was pleased about this as him finding out what session he's doing each night and starting so late really irritates me and makes my evenings difficult.

He's just sent me details of the plan and it goes like this:

Monday - rest day
Tuesday - no evening training as it can be incorporated in to his work day
Wednesday - evening training (at least 1 hour probably)
Thursday - same as Tuesday
Friday - evening training
Saturday - 2/3 hours outside and also a session inside
Sunday - 4/5 hours outside and inside session

Would anyone else have a problem with this? Usually when he goes out on a Sunday he will be adamant that he will be back by lunch time but the majority of the time he doesn't turn up back at home until at least 3pm and doesn't even contact me to let me know. I have been extremely supportive and reasonable the whole time he's done this and not complained. I didn't realise how much of a piss take the Sunday thing was until we visited the in-laws this weekend and he went out on Sunday, promised to be back for lunch time and turned up at 4pm. MIL was very angry with him and told me that if it was my SIL or any of her friends he would be 'carrying his head' (weird expression I've never heard!) and would not get away with it.

I don't have much of an issue with the training in the week as technically he will have free evenings on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday but the Tues/Thurs are very weather dependant and often he will drive when he's promised he's not taking the car.

I replied to him saying 'so you'll be doing it both days on a weekend? What a piss take' and I don't know if it was an over reaction. I am generally quite laid back and we hardly argue. I just think at least he's doing something to keep him fit rather than going out on the piss like a few people I know.

I'd love to know other people's thoughts on this as I'm really not sure if I'm over reacting or not?

Weekday is fine but the weekend training is far too long. Weekends are family time, she should limit his training to an hour over the weekend. Also you should be getting some 'me time' too.

When exactly is he planning on giving you a break during the week?

I think he's being very, very selfish. I'm on mat leave and would never tolerate the long evening phone calls. Once DH gets home, it's all hands on deck, then we can both crash and enjoy one another's company once DC is in bed. I can't believe he lets you do everything while he pisses about on the phone talking about Very Important Things.

It sounds like a hobby that's not conducive to the responsibilities that come with young family. Unless one has a handy servant at home, of course.

He does the evening training when dd is in bed, but it means we don't get to spend much time together. He's just said that he understands totally where I'm coming from and has apologised I'm quite surprised!

But is he going to do anything about it?

So new plan is:

Monday - rest day
Tuesday - commute to work and back so free in the evenings
Wednesday - evening training (inside)
Thursday - same as Tuesday
Friday - evening training (inside)
Saturday - morning and evening training (inside) but only after I've had sleep/a break in the morning
Sunday - 4/5hr ride but leaving at 7am and returning for lunch time at the latest

It still looks a lot written down. But I suppose twice in the week after dd is in bed then the weekend isn't too bad?

Oh and he will be cooking tea and doing housework on the Monday/Tuesday/Thursday and weekends apparently.

Work out how many hours and on how many days, he does this.

Then tell him that YOU need that much time as well. Plus you need time as a family.

Ask him how he will be supporting you to have your time.

Just as a comparison - my DP used to compete (in a different sport) for GB and that required similar amounts of time in the gym, practising the sport, and going away to compete. During the summer he'd be away at least half the weekends at training camp or in a competition somewhere in Europe which sounds more than your DH does now, but is probably realistic for the future.

When we bought a house together (pre-DC) he retired from GB because he wanted to spend time with me and invest as us as a couple. He still competes locally but this requires much less time and he is clear that we are the number one priority and is not shy about saying so to team mates and coaches who try to encourage him to do more.

At the moment it seems that, even with the adjustments made to the plans, he is giving minimal concessions (your lie in) and expecting significantly more in return. He doesn't seem to acknowledge the importance of spending time together as a family and it's clearly second (third?) priority to training and competing and that's not fair to you or your DC.

Sorry op but I think he is trying to placate you. His new schedule is still totally unreasonable. He already used to say that he'd be back by lunch on Sunday and doesn't bother.

If this doesn't get resolved it's going to eat away at you. I think the weekly schedule seems ok, but Saturday should be no cycling and a family day. Sunday should be early regardless. Phone calls and constant internet use for hobby should go.

I say this as a cyclist.

I admire people who get fit and well after years of no interest in sport but your DH was getting carried away into the realms of "How a single person without children arranges his free time". Glad he is now rethinking the schedule but imo it still needs tweaking.

can't he get one of those toddler seats for his bike and take the toddler with him training?

I think it's definately unreasonable to not leave one weekend day completely free of training. Can he not swap things around so his rest day is a saturday or sunday?

Could he not cycle in the evenings at the weekend instead?

with your organisation where it's OK to be out of the house 3/4 evenings a week and then 1/2 day per weekend, when do you actually spend any time with your partner?

DP's hobby doesn't involve him being out of the house for starters. And it doesn't last all evening - we both work early shifts so we're both home by 4pm. A few hours on a hobby takes us to around 7pm and then we have the rest of the evening together.

The weekend thing - it's 1/2 a day per weekend, which leaves a day and a half - plenty of time to do things as a couple. We have no DC though, so when he does his hobby, I can do mine. It'll obviously change when DC and childcare come into the mix, although both hobbies can be done at home.

I'm not keen on the toddler seat as he goes on busy main roads a lot of the time.

I do prefer mornings as it means we could watch a film or something in the evening but obviously it's dependant on him getting up on time.

I don't know if I should get him to scrap the training on a Saturday totally

That sounds fairly typical for a cyclist who has ambitions to do well, and to be fair, the coach has incorporated some of the training into his commute. Here's my two-pennies' worth of advise:

Make sure he isn't a fair weather cyclist - i.e. skips the commute if it's raining, because then he will have to make up the time elsewhere

Make sure he explains to his coach that there needs to be an element of compromise (he could adjust his goals to be more long-term or less ambitious. The coach won't think in these terms, but a family man must)

Make sure he factors in the 'getting ready and fiddling with his bike' time into his timetable. this can easily stretch a one-hour session into a two-hour one

Re buying kit and bikes - there is a really thriving second hand market so he can either save by buying stuff second hand, or always offset new costs by selling older stuff. Be warned - he will start 'needing' a second, third, fourth bike for different scenarios! Also, more expensive is not always better - he needs to find a trusted mechanic/bike shop owner and do his research. A lot of people fetishise all the new technology and kit, but the bottom line is it's about how fit you are and how well you ride (there are a lot of numpties out there who look the part buy have no clue)

Always, always, always have a day a month/weekend a month that is sacred and is for family time only with NO CYCLING OR TALK OF CYCLING. Remind him often that he doesn't want to be a cycling bore!!!!!!!

On the plus side:

He is getting fit and healthy - always a good thing.

He will make lots of friends

You can have days out when he races and you will probably make friends too - with other partners etc - and see new places.

He might get your DD into the sport when she's older, and will be able to take her off for the day, leaving you at home to relax/catch up on tv/build your business etc (I realise this is way in the future, which might not help much now)

There are a lot more obnoxious things he could get obsessed with!

Hope that helps (from a cycling widow of 20-odd years)

Not on. At all. I know it seems like it, but they are only young for a short while. You have to make changes and compromises during this time. It's not forever.

I wouldn't have thought a toddler would be happy in a bike seat for 4/5 hours either.

I would suggest shuffling his rest day about so it lands on a weekend so that he is getting the same volume of training but has a day off you can spend together. Perhaps move the long ride to saturday, have sunday off and train monday?

The VERY least I would accept is that one day of the weekend, EVERY weekend, is completely free of anything. No bikes.

Basically, he's prioritising his hobby over everything for EVERY SINGLE ONE of your family days. That's not acceptable. You will never be able to say 'I fancy a lovely day out Saturday, let's all get up early and drive to see x, take the day, drive back and get home for 10pm'. No, because HIS FUN STUFF is there preventing that.

Not ok. Especially very much not ok with small children.

Your job is the children, every week day. This hobby is basically asking you to spend a big chunk of every weekend taking on solo childcare, while he is once again out of the house, this time doing his fun stuff instead of being together. I've been a SAHM and THAT is what would make me see red. It's a huge ask. It's basically the equivalent of you having a hobby which, in order to be funded, requires your H to go to work for a period of every day every weekend. To do his everyday job on the weekend too to subsidise your fun. Have you put it to him like that? It's exactly what it is. When I was at home with tinies, the thing which very often kept me going was the thought that on the weekend, I'd be with DH too - another adult there. Even though all our stuff would involve looking after the kids, I wouldn't be in the sometimes bone-achingly hard, boring, tedious, irritating position of having sole care. If he'd wanted to do stuff like this, we'd no longer be together.

googoodolly that's not the position the OP is in though.

name think hard before you answer. There are lots of good proposals from people who have a DH involved in that sport but remember there are also the same people who say they don't see their DH that much anymore and that they come second.
Before agreeing to it, think if you are happy to do that too.

I think your DH actually knows HIBU. Otherwise he wouldn't propose to do the HW blabla...
If he thinks he IBU and your MIL thinks the same, maybe it's time to be more assertive of your needs in the family (regardless of what they are)

Can't he put a child seat on the back of the bike and take toddler with him?

I think you'll have to try and be firm about not letting this take up all family/couple time.

My DH is now a very casual cyclist, but his bike and bits and pieces cost £££, and that's because he got the majority of stuff pre DS1 when we both worked full time. It has been updated since then, but not excessively. Back then I was happy for him to be out in the evenings and weekends cycling, swimming and at the gym as I was out and about too.

Now we're expecting baby #3 and I'm a SAHM.
He's spent the majority of 3 years only cycling to work and doing gym stuff at home. He is due to do London to Brighton in June...when I'll be 39 weeks. I have a history of complications and quick labours. I didn't say yes straight away but looking back he'd already decided to do it before I actually said I was happy to be left alone for the day with two kids and for him to be out most evenings and weekends until then.

Next time I won't be saying yes to an event, or lots of being out at the weekends by himself because it's not going to get any easier with 3 kids and I don't want our free time to revolve around one person's hobby.

the reality is this is a hobby. Its not his job or his family, it is something he is choosing to do because it gives him pleasure. to allow that to take more time than everything else seems unfair to me and is selfish, family avoiding behaviour.
Lets say you take up a similar hobby tomorrow - who looks after the family?

Totally unacceptable.

Whether his hobby is cycling, darts, watching football, boozing or playing on the Xbox, it all amounts to the same if it removes him from such a large chunk of being with his family.

A failure to stand up to the obligations of being a father.

OP what if you too wanted to indulge yourself in a pursuit that takes up equal time? How would that work?

Your OH is behaving like a single man.

Sorry I'm on the app so struggling to specifically reply to each post but I am taking it all on board. You've all helped me understand why it's not on for him to do this. I'm going to have a proper talk with him when he's back from work.

I find it quite hard being a SAHM so I think that's why I'm so against the weekend stuff as I see it as a bit of a break, as 2 pairs of hands is easier than going it alone. We don't really spend much time together as a couple since dd was born