AIBU re DP's hobby?

[namechange0009]

Sorry this is going to be long and boring!

DP has a sport related hobby. He started it last year and has done really well so far, losing a lot of weight and getting very fit. He has done great and I'm pleased for him. He's starting to enter competitions this season and kept hinting at getting a coach to help him with his training sessions. This is costing £50pm which I agreed to as he's getting lots of support and a personalised training plan. We are on a tight budget but have been able to stretch to this, which I have no issue with.

Until now, he's been contacting his coach every day who has been getting back to him at about 7 or 8pm (he's very busy as he runs a business related to the sport) with his training for that night. It usually takes over an hour, and can be done indoors. This leaves me to cook tea, do the dishes etc near enough every night because he's usually not finished until at least 9. Then I'm not getting to bed until very late because of this. He's also expected to do the sport outside on a Sunday for 4/5 hours. I am a SAHM to a toddler who doesn't sleep through the night and I am exhausted. I do 90% of the housework. DP works full time. My only opportunity for some extra sleep is at the weekend when DP will take DD downstairs in the morning and I can sleep for a couple of hours more.

He's been saying for a while that his coach will be sending him a set plan to follow so he will know what he's doing each night. I was pleased about this as him finding out what session he's doing each night and starting so late really irritates me and makes my evenings difficult.

He's just sent me details of the plan and it goes like this:

Monday - rest day
Tuesday - no evening training as it can be incorporated in to his work day
Wednesday - evening training (at least 1 hour probably)
Thursday - same as Tuesday
Friday - evening training
Saturday - 2/3 hours outside and also a session inside
Sunday - 4/5 hours outside and inside session

Would anyone else have a problem with this? Usually when he goes out on a Sunday he will be adamant that he will be back by lunch time but the majority of the time he doesn't turn up back at home until at least 3pm and doesn't even contact me to let me know. I have been extremely supportive and reasonable the whole time he's done this and not complained. I didn't realise how much of a piss take the Sunday thing was until we visited the in-laws this weekend and he went out on Sunday, promised to be back for lunch time and turned up at 4pm. MIL was very angry with him and told me that if it was my SIL or any of her friends he would be 'carrying his head' (weird expression I've never heard!) and would not get away with it.

I don't have much of an issue with the training in the week as technically he will have free evenings on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday but the Tues/Thurs are very weather dependant and often he will drive when he's promised he's not taking the car.

I replied to him saying 'so you'll be doing it both days on a weekend? What a piss take' and I don't know if it was an over reaction. I am generally quite laid back and we hardly argue. I just think at least he's doing something to keep him fit rather than going out on the piss like a few people I know.

I'd love to know other people's thoughts on this as I'm really not sure if I'm over reacting or not?

"
Would anyone else have a problem with this?"

" a piss take' and I don't know if it was an over reaction. "

OP wanted to hear other's views- she is hearing them. I don't get your problem wellthatsit

And I think the hypothetical divorce scenario is a pragmatic one to describe.
The Ops OH would have less time to himself, not more- it puts a slant on things.

Hmm cycling. I know 3 couples where cycling suddenly became very important round about the same time as little ones arrived. Coincidence?

This isn't a deal breaker for me btw. Unless it got to the point where it was totally consuming all of the spare time we had as a family, which it isn't. I just wanted people's views on it as I wasn't sure what was a reasonable amount of time to spend on a hobby. This thread has definitely opened my eyes!

fulltothebrim - heartbreaking? Really?

Heartbreaking is the dad who loses touch with his kids after a divorce, or the parent who shouts and abuses their kid for no reason, or a parent dying young.

Using such emotive language makes you sound judgemental, which I am sure you're not meaning to be.

Well mine are 2 and 6 months (and DH also works long hours) and we're just about managing to fit it all in. DH works additional hours at home in odd moments though when one or both of them are asleep. The key thing is that DH was very keen to continue his hobbies once DC 2 was a few weeks old and saw the rank hypocrisy of managing to fit in his hobbies but not mine, so we worked it out together.

Appreciate its not a deal breaker op- I think what you are doing is ensuring it doesn't become a deal breaker. I do think he has a way to go in terms of moderating his behaviour however.

wellthatsit- I am probably quite a bit longer in the tooth than you and so probably have less patience for such situations.

Yes it is heartbreaking for a new parent to prioritise himself and his wants over his infant like this, children grow up so fast and every day is precious.

Yep I've noticed that too. Young children arrive and suddenly dads find a multitude of things that have to be done outside the house ....

Name I agree that what is a deal breaker for some won't be for others but that's the reason why it's essential that you know where are your boundaries. And you need to be able to explain clearly what they are to your DH too.
What I found difficult is the fact that, whilst I 'allowed' Dh to do all his hobbies on the ground that really it was nice, he needed down time etc and facilitated that, the reverse wasn't true. Partly because, as his hobbies and his wants always were put before mine, it became the norm. Partly because he never took the responsibility of all the other members of the family (me and the dcs) and left that to me (as he would do with HW, planning a hols etc...).
That didn't change until I handed that responsibility back to him, whenever it was his.

It's not even about "allowing" each other to do hobbies.

What's good for the goos is good for that gander and all that.

It is about investing time and energy into the family, not seeing who can squeeze more "me" time into the week.

If a father is not motivated to spend more time with his wife and young child, then no amount of laying down the rules, timetabling or allowing a mother free time too to balance things will change that.

You can't force a man to invest in his child, if he doesn't want to then I wouldn't try to make him. Why co-erce him into being with his family if he clearly doesn't want to be there?
I wouldn't want him to be there if I felt I was having to force the issue, that could lead to resentment. I would rather he was off cycling if that is where he prefers to be.

It is something so fundamental and instrinsic which why to me would question the foundations of the whole family. And certainly could be a deal breaker.

fulltothebrim - my only problem is with the language and not the content. It's easy to say things in an emotive or inflammatory way, and not appreciate that this can escalate things. Anyway, I don't want to hijack the thread, so won't say any more about it. (Not sure about the long in the tooth comment though - I am quite old!)

OP- it sounds to me as if your DH isn't necessarily a bad guy, but he is new to cycling and inexperienced. He is being strongly influenced by his coach, who has an agenda (which your DH probably naively set - to be an ace competitive cyclist) and it is easy to get carried away. He might consider joining a local cycling club to meet other cyclists and get a bit of advice about training and competing - there is more than one way to train and compete, and different sorts of goals. There might be other options that are a better fit for your DH and his family responsibilities.

Also, I agree with Magnificent when she says you need to clearly set your boundaries. My solution was to simply start doing my own hobbies with as much gusto as he does his, and so he has to pull his weight. My DH never complains about this ( I probably do more to make life easier for him than he does for me, but that's up to me and comes about for a whole host of reasons).

Ok - I'm married to a MAMIL too and have similar issues to you but I'm feeling much better having read your posts.

We have two children [2.5/5], we both work FT and employ a FT nanny and a weekly cleaner for 5 hrs. So basically I'm not at home all day with my kids and hanging out to talk to an actual adult in the evening. Nor am I trying to find the time to clean something around the demands of small kids. Life's a juggling act though and we're both v busy.

So the cycling:
DH commutes to work every day - total round trip of circa 13 miles in London but at a fair clip around 20 mins each way. He sucks it up if the weather is dreadful and only cries off if its too icy to be safe. But it does mean more gear for rain!
He occasionally does one "long ride" midweek during the summer months by leaving work early or taking a long route home.
He does one long weekend ride covering about 60-70 miles [I think], goes out at 8 and returns by 11.30 to cook Sunday lunch . Roads are quieter on a Sunday so can go further faster.
He's in his late 30's and is regretful he didn't take up cycling earlier but he does recognise that he's too old to be "a contender" and so is willing to limit the drain on family time.
That said, DD1 [5] is turning into dab hand at cleaning Daddy's bikes....DD2 is more of a hindrance but he is good at involving them.
There's a fair bit of tweaking stuff and bike cleaning especially during the winter when everything is caked in mud and there are real consequences to an improperly maintained bike.
The gear is ridiculous and £££. Take it from me that you are financially getting off lightly to date. I guarantee you that if you go through his browsing history you'll find £6k carbon bikes and wheel upgrades at £500 a pop.
My issue is that I don't make time for myself but since he is around considerably more than your husband is proposing I really only have my own lazy ass to blame there at least during the week.

DH will do more training if there's a specific event he's training for but he does genuinely do his best to make it work during unsociable hours and is pretty motivated about getting out early. Since we both work though he can't take the piss.

My first comment is what is your DH actually training for? Is it a series of competitions, just a club team, or a specific event. I'd be more inclined to suck it up for a specific event but otherwise, he could feck off with that sort of weekend timetable with two small kids.

Is your DH really really very good and still in his 20's? I'm making a working assumption that the answer to this is no. He should bear in mind that he is paying a trainer who a) needs to justify his existence and will obviously specify Defcon1 for the best results... and b) can be paid to develop a programme that works for the time available.

Is there any reason he can't commute to work more or do a hybrid ride/drive option? Is it a long ride? I know a lot of people in London who commute silly distances but do the last 20 miles on a bike. So drive to Guildford and cycle from there for example.

For the record - I really, really like your MIL Frankly, you could take a leaf out of her book and insist that he is back by lunchtime or forgoes the following weekend. Punctures are not an excuse unless he can show you more than 2 inner tubes for the bin.

A separate issue is that you are a SAHM who is completely on her knees with exhaustion. Assuming that your child does not have special needs medical or otherwise, then perhaps you need to sit down with your DH and work out how to tackle the night time wakings. Maybe one interim option is for you to head to bed at 8pm on his turbo nights for example with him doing all wakings before 3am.

Friday night needs to be date night with that schedule. Tell him you want him to cook you dinner every Friday night with a nice bottle of something.

Explore the option of him working from home on a weekly basis. He could be up and out for a 2 hr ride before work starts with no commute.

He's part of a club and the guy who runs the club is his coach we have moved a few miles away now though so he doesn't really ride with them any more unless they are coming over our way.

He's only just decided to mention that the Wednesday and Friday sessions are only 20 minutes long which is a lot better than I anticipated. I've told him that on Sundays he will have to be back at a specified time, even if it means cutting his ride short, which he says is fair.

At least we have made some progress. He knows how I feel about prioritising me, dd and us as a family over his hobby. I just need to work on the housework aspect of things.

I'm sorry to everyone who has had to deal with the same thing

Wellthatsit has a good point about a cycling club. They go out at set times on the weekend usually and there'll be different groups for different ability/speed levels. An experienced person will be setting the route so your DP wont be fussing around with maps and getting lost etc. and they'll set the route for an agreed time so barring serious injury to him or the bike, you can almost guarantee a lunchtime return.

Tread he is 25 and definitely has some talent there. He's now the strongest rider in his club so I think he has potential. I think because he's relatively quite young, he thinks he can do well with racing and that's something I'd like to support him with but obviously not to the detriment of our family. It's local criterium races he's doing, and wants to work his way up through the categories to a decent level. His commute is 15 miles each way with a lot of climbing involved so not the best for training. His carbon bike is worth 3k but he got it for cost from his coach (who runs the local bike shop). He's after some new wheels but they are expensive so will be on his wish list for a while (along with the time trial bike, cyclocross bike and mountain bike!). It's definitely a never ending list of equipment and kit. Working from home isn't an option unfortunately I like your idea of cooking Sunday lunch and also having a set date night as it's something which has passed us by since dd arrived. Sorry I'm on the app so trying to remember what you wrote/asked!!

He's been advised to ride alone on a Sunday rather than with the club as its what holds him up so often. If someone has a technical issue obviously they all stop and help each other out. His coach sets routes for him when he goes on a long ride so he just uploads it to his Garmin and doesn't have to worry about maps etc.

To be fair to him, he has tried to get me involved and bought me a lovely bike and nice kit but I'm rubbish at it

Haha, my DH also tried to encourage me to take it up. I gamely joined in for a while, but had to admit it wasn't for me. He now has DS to concentrate on, and DS luckily is just as keen on it as his dad (indoctrinated!)

OP - I think you are going to be fine. Your DH sounds ok, too. You will work it out.

PS Hope you have a big garage!

We have recently moved to a 3 bed semi with a large extension and garage from a 2 bed back-to-back terraced house with no garden poor DP had to lug his bikes up from the cellar every day! Luckily we now have space for all of this nonsense

Also thanks everyone for the input. I'm feeling a whole lot better about it all and more in control of what's happening

So he's 25, a 4th cat cyclist, riding 12 hours a week, paying a cycle shop owner 3k for a bike, 50 quid a month for "coaching", told to ride alone - despite the fact cycle racing is a group sport and it's really quite difficult to train for alone until you get experienced in the actual skilful parts.

Has he actually reached 3rd cat yet? If not, he is very unlikely to have any real talent in the sport, and you've not mentioned when he's actually going to be racing? If he really is good, then the only option will be to travel to races, taking the day, entire weekends, or longer. If he's not that good, or until he's moved up to the higher category racing winning as he goes then he'll still need to race. There's midweek racing, weekend races, but it all takes longer than training 'cos you have to get to the race too, even if it's relatively local.

My actual bet is he won't take long before he realises he's just pretty average, get bored, and you'll have a different problem, just make sure he stops giving the "coach" money for nothing as soon as he does.

He's still 4th cat as he's only done one race so far this season. It was the first local race of the calendar (3/4 race) which had an extremely quick pace. He finished but didn't place and a hell of a lot of people got dropped after the first lap. He's been ill more recently so has been easing himself back on to the bike. The only reason he's been advised to ride alone is because of me not approving of him coming back late - no other reason. He's told me about a couple of races he would like to do but I couldn't reel them off of the top of my head (I know a couple are weeknight races). He's already said to me that if he doesn't do particularly well at racing then he will stop and just cycle with the club on Sundays. It doesn't matter to me if he's good or not, as long as he's enjoying it and it works for us as a family.

The Sunday lunch thing actually works really well. I can get out and about in the morning with the kids and actually do something nice instead of trying to get a big roast dinner on the table while juggling two bored children. DH preps all the veggies and preps the meat on a Saturday night and leaves the timings out in case he runs late so it's pretty much:
11.30 wheeze into the kitchen, ramp oven up to max., remove clingfilm from meat and shove in oven. Switch veggies on to parboil while sprinting through shower or having coffee with me and kids.
12.30 turn down oven to sensible temperature. Hit shower if not there yet, back to the kitchen for veggies in oven. They take 40 mins. A reasonable size chicken can be in and out of the oven in 1hr.15 if you use Hugh Fearnley Whatshisface's recipes for roasting meat.
1-1.30 eat lunch, collapse into chair for afternoon/play with kids. But if they've been out in the morning then the pressure is off to "do something"

I don't see post Sunday lunch as "me time" and if I take a Saturday morning it kind of kills any chance to do an all day family thing. So I need to figure something out in order to lose 2 stone. If I didn't work FT, then I'd do something mid week and pay for childcare so I could relax properly.

Why isn't the ride to work suitable? I know nothing about cycling, but I would have thought a ride with a few hills would be excellent for training purposes.

Tread that sounds ideal. I think we should start doing that too, if we aren't out for the afternoon.

Icimoi I don't really know the technicalities of it. He has to stay within a certain heart rate etc. for training purposes and I don't know if hills hinder it? That's just a guess also it's busy main roads and I think it's a lot of stop-start riding because of traffic.

The riding alone thing is bollox imo. There must be plenty of other people in the club who can't set aside an entire day to do 150 miles or whatever on a Sunday that takes you up to 4pm. I can say for a fact that the only Sundays that DH blows off or is late heading out on, are the days when someone isn't waiting on a street corner for him to turn up..rain or shine.

There's a saying in bike circles that "the ideal number of bikes is N+1, N being the number of bikes you already have". N+2/3 would be more accurate!

Well - if he is 25 then he should be able to do his share of night wakings and still go out to work without breaking his stride. I'd personally focus on getting your DC to sleep better so you actually have the energy to go out and do something nice for yourself while he stays at home on the turbo

Best of luck!

" He's been ill more recently "

Would tie in with what February said earlier about him doing too many miles.