To not want 13 year old to trek in Northern India/Pakistan border with dad?

[pathogenius]

Ex-H is moving off to travel in Northern India for 6 months. We split when our DC, now 13, was 6 months old though he's remained in and out of DC's life. Ex is struggling with major guilt about leaving DC's life for long periods of time to live in other countries. But now he would like to go off to India to live for a minimum of 6 months and he would like our DC to join him this summer for 7 weeks in and around the India/Pakistan border (trekking/living out in the open, under the stars). I am having great difficulty feeling all right with this. Ex does not know India or this area at all. He is not living a mainstream life whilst out there. He plans on roughing it, backpacking, trekking, camping, crashing here and there. It's a very unstructured life for a 13 year old. That's my opinion. Dad can do this. That's fine. But I think our DC is still too young to go away for that length of time to such a far off place. The idea is to live a life without technology, so our contact would be practically nil!

Thoughts? Experiences? Insight? Thank you!

[PerspicaciaTick]

You ex continues to sound like a complete disaster and an emotional bully too. Take a deep breath and enjoy knowing he is half a world away for the next few months. Focus on yourself and your DS for a while (your DH sounds like his head is screwed on right ).

Can you look into getting your DS some counselling asap (while his dad is at a safe distance), maybe even family counselling for you both together?
It might be worth asking at school, as many school have counselling services they can refer you to. Or contact Combat Stress as has already been suggested.

Also, just for you, could you look into local parenting courses for parents of teens not because I think you are in anyway a bad parent - quite the opposite - but it does sound like your confidence as a parent has taken a knocking and this sort of course could give your confidence a boost. //www.familylives.org.uk are a great organisation which supports all sorts of families in a range of ways - they might be a good place to start.

BTW - your DS still needs you. Maybe he pretends he doesn't, maybe he looks big and capable and certain. But he still needs to know you are his safe harbour, his safety net and that you always, always have his best interests at heart. Don't let your ex question your parenting, or make you feel sidelined - he really doesn't have the track record to be saying anything other than "thank you for being a fantastic mum to my son - you are doing a great job".

[Coyoacan]

If your son has problems, apart from teenage hormones, I would say it is down to his father. It is really not very manly to make his thirteen-year-old son think that he has to look after him or to deliberately put said son in a dangerous situation.

[TheMaddHugger]

I haven't finished reading yet, but (and I often read this site) Lizard brain explanation is here.

www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/brainfunction.htm

[TheMaddHugger]

www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/lizard_brain.htm

[TheMaddHugger]

OK finished reading up to this point.

(((((((((((((((Big Hugs))))))))))))))

You made the right decision.

My own father had PTSD ( from WW2) My thoughts went straight to..... Trigger if he had a bad ptsd moment he could off himself and your son ....... Or.... in a moment of madness join the 'Other team Isis ' (yes that happens too)

[TwoLeftSocks]

Oh your poor lad! I'd totally agree about looking into outside help for him (and possibly you and him together too), just as Jackw and PerspicaciaTick have suggested up thread.

He sounds like he could really do with help getting his head round the situation to date, and also be able to cope with his future relationship with his dad.

He needs to know too that he can grow into a fine young man without any far flung (hair brained) trips or ill-judged risk taking, and to be in the position to make a sensible call himself on that sort of thing as he gets older. Doesn't mean he shouldn't go doing adventurous things, just be able to make a decision himself, without bending to emotional pressures.

Just a thought too - I don't know what justification you've given him for not heading out there but he might actually be concerned about his dad's safety and well being out there, and might actually be quite nervous about it over the summer.

You sound like a good mum, don't let your crazy lizard ex make you think otherwise.

[Littletabbyocelot]

You made the right decision. I was the child of a father with severe mental health problems. I was furious with my mum when she protected me from him BUT that's because I was a child and had no idea of the damage it did me. I thought he needed me to make his life ok. I went from a confident, mischievous chatterbox to a quiet, well behaved and very shy girl. As a parent you have the job of sometimes deciding against what they want. My mum did a good job and so are you. Keep his messages, if you end up back in court he'll look like the irresponsible parent he is.

[Coyoacan]

If your son genuinely wants adventure, maybe you could look into how he can get it in not such an OTT dangerous way.

[deedee33]

OP maybe your son feels bad about all the toing and froing and the upset to you? Maybe tou can reassure him that it's your (ie the adults')s problem, its what you sign up for as a parent and he is not to blame, and furthermorw you are not stressing any more, you are sorry if dad is upset but as mum you had to put your foot down, end of.

Not that he migjt not benedit.from hearing similar.from a professional too, mind.

[MagicCarpet]

Your poor boy. No wonder he's feeling confused about where he fits.
Why will the ex still be laying heat on about the ticket? You've said no, it's done. Perhaps you were talking through the 'plans' - layovers, hotels, etc. to show the flaws in it all, but it does come across like you're considering it.

If you've said no, you've said no.

What is your ex's contact with your boy? Is he going to be texting/emailing him directly with this stuff?

You have his passport somewhere safe, yes?

I think some outside help may be a good idea for him, to help him gain a little perspective. Just as you couldn't see the wood for the trees at first, chances are he can't either.