To not want 13 year old to trek in Northern India/Pakistan border with dad?

[pathogenius]

Ex-H is moving off to travel in Northern India for 6 months. We split when our DC, now 13, was 6 months old though he's remained in and out of DC's life. Ex is struggling with major guilt about leaving DC's life for long periods of time to live in other countries. But now he would like to go off to India to live for a minimum of 6 months and he would like our DC to join him this summer for 7 weeks in and around the India/Pakistan border (trekking/living out in the open, under the stars). I am having great difficulty feeling all right with this. Ex does not know India or this area at all. He is not living a mainstream life whilst out there. He plans on roughing it, backpacking, trekking, camping, crashing here and there. It's a very unstructured life for a 13 year old. That's my opinion. Dad can do this. That's fine. But I think our DC is still too young to go away for that length of time to such a far off place. The idea is to live a life without technology, so our contact would be practically nil!

Thoughts? Experiences? Insight? Thank you!

[Patsyandeddie]

Sorry girls, still seems like the chance of a lifetime to me, grow up fast and see the world!!

[Coyoacan]

Just say no, OP. You have no choice here. Your update makes it even more important.

I live in Mexico and find it relatively safe for me, but the fact is I know where to go and where not to go and I speak the language. Mexico is in fact very dangerous for a lot of people.

If your ex had already done the trip and was going back, without the PTSD, grand, but he hasn't.

I also think you've got to explain to your son that children cannot look after their parents, it has to be the other way round. Besides, it is really only in movies where people jump in a safe someone from psychological pain.

[GoStraightGoStraight]

Patsy I'm all for seeing the world but there are parts that a really best left unseen for the moment.

[GoStraightGoStraight]

And you say you did it - where did you go exactly?

[Gralick]

Actually, has he said why he's chosen that particular destination?

[GoStraightGoStraight]

I'd love to know too…..I hope there's not the vaguest possiblity that he's gone native/converted to Islam and is a political sympathiser, is there? In which case if he's taking your son he'll be recruited and brainewashed and you'll never see him again….

Probably (and hopefully) an totally outlandish idea but one which you would be naive not to at least consider.

[Moreisnnogedag]

It's terribly sad though. I'd definitely second getting in contact with combat stress for your ds. The fact he feels he needs to help his dad with his mental health problems is admirable but doomed to failure.

You'll just have to be the bad guy here and say no. I was going to suggest wild camping in the US but with the untreated PTSD it seems any trip for that length of time in remote areas would be unwise.

[Focusfocus]

Is your DC a boy or a girl? Either way, no, no no. But if it's a girl, I'd personally have to come and stop her from going.

I am Indian. Please believe me when I say that this shouldn't be done. The India Pakistan border FFS?

Would he also take the child on a lovely walk along the Gaza Strip then?

[TwoLeftSocks]

Just read through the OP's posts again Focus, she mentions her DC is a son.

Just a thought OP, you might find some useful advice/ helplines on some of the young carers websites, and there might be one local to you. Might help with future holidays or time your DS spends with his dad.

[Mama1980]

Wow this is a truly crazy plan. You seriously need to just say no. And I say that as someone who has travelled all over the world and in some less than sensible places. But the border there is just no go. Has he even glanced at the foreign office advice?! India is amazing I've taken my eldest 2 there myself but your ex needs to choose another area, another country or you need to flat out refuse.
Incidentally I have PTSD following the traumatic car crash and subsequent birth of my son at 26 weeks. 7 years on and I'm pretty much fine but I also know potential trigger points and how to deal with them if they should arise. In order to do this I needed professional therapy. If there are any questions I maybe able to help with feel free to pm me.

[mummytime]

Say NO to India. I would probably contact immigration to get your son put on lists so he cannot leave.

Go to see your GP, tell them about the situation, ask for a referral to CAHMS. Definitely mention the punched door.

Limit contact with his father, no more long trip out of the country, preferably no more long trips.

[GnomeDePlume]

This sounds too much like ex-H is attempting to replicate Into The Wild. That didnt end well and nor will this.

They will be incredibly vulnerable to being robbed, getting sick, getting lost. Being without technology they will find it impossible hard to get help. Being in an area they have gone into against advice may mean that there is no help available to call upon.

[pathogenius]

I don't know what I would do without all of your support and insight. God, really I am truly grateful! I am so undoubtedly certain that India is full of wonder. I will never forget travelling on a flight from Los Angeles to Frankfurt with an Indian lady from the North who spoke with me at length about the beauty of her country, particularly the northern region. That was 20 years ago and I was very young. Here I am tonight, looking at eticket that's come through booked in my son's name. I had no say in the booking of this ticket. It just happened. I just feel like I don't know what the hell is going on... yet I feel like I am wrong.

So according to this 'surprise!' eticket which just came through tonight (Ex has PP number but I have the PP itself), DC will leave the day after school breaks up in mid July and fly to Helsinki where he has a 4 hour layover. Then on to Delhi. I won't see him until the beginning of September. There's just so much going through my mind. I have asked for an address where they will stay. I was told b&bs, hotels, inns as they make their way up north from Delhi into the desert and mountains. Isn't the desert south of Delhi? No cities are mentioned other than Delhi. If I voice any concern whatsoever I am told that my fear and 'lizard brain' (whatever the hell that is) are getting the better of me... that I live in fear and now it's time to allow our son to become a man and be a lion. Whatever. I said that I would like to know what the plan is over the 7 weeks, where they will stay and the like. Also I said that I didn't like the idea of our son flying alone with a 4 hour layover in Helsinki before a night flight to Delhi. The last time he was on a long haul was 10 years ago. I said that although plan B is unlikely, what is it? If the connecting flight in Helsinki is cancelled and he can't get on a plane until the morning, what then? Ex's attitude is that I am being fearful and ridiculous. Maybe I am, but DC is 13 and if the unlikely happens, what then? Ex said DC could book himself into a hotel near the airport. I gently reminded him that DC is 13. I just feel like this is all a very bad idea. And yet the critical texts from ex are flying in... and they make me feel badly about myself as a parent. If I don't let DC go on this journey then I am being selfish, self-centred, and forbidding my son from fulfilling something very few people ever get to experience, according to my ex. So yes, all of that makes me feel like the bad person. And it works. :-/

[SuburbanRhonda]

OP, no-one on here is saying Your DC shouldn't go ever.

They - and you it seems - are saying not now!

He's just too young and his dad is unstable. Yes, you have the ticket, but that's for blackmail purposes, clearly.

You have his passport. Just make sure it stays somewhere safe in case your ex contacts your DC and tries to persuade him to go without telling you.

[PerspicaciaTick]

Just ignore the ticket, ignore your ex and tell your DS he isn't going. When the time comes, do not put him on the plane.
TBH I am concerned that your ex is on the verge of some sort of crisis or breakdown. Does he have parents or siblings who you can offload the responsibility of trying to support and protect him? Your responsibility is, first and foremost, to your DS.

[OrlandoWoolf]

Don't want him to fly?

Tell the airline.
Tell immigration
Don't take him to the airport.

Airlines have rules on unaccompanied minors.

[OrlandoWoolf]

You're also his ex. He can manipulate you and try to make you feel guilty. Be strong.

[NickiFury]

Send him an email right now saying he's not going and then ignore any further contact on the matter. He doesn't sound rational. You simply cannot let this happen.

[Hassled]

For fuck's sake, ignore this shower of shit. Just because you have a ticket doesn't mean you have to put him on a plane - what exactly can Ex do if you don't? Just don't. Smile and nod between now and July if it makes life easier, but don't put him on that plane. And if your DS was happy about the idea he wouldn't be punching doors - he can't/won't articulate his fear, but it's still there. You have to be his protector. Ex's issues are not your problem.

[OrlandoWoolf]

Anybody who is this impulsive and goes ahead with such a plan without thinking about their ex is the kind of person who would ignore any concerns you have even when on the trip.

[NickiFury]

He reminds me of my ex, this is the kind of half baked, over excitable ridiculous nonsense he would come up with too and it would be stamped on well before the arrival of an e ticket.

[OrlandoWoolf]

Does your son know the area? The fact it's a war zone, terrorists, it's on the no go lists for Westerners etc.

If your son is keen, do a pro and con list. The con list would be interesting.

[mummytime]

If this went to court, no Judge would allow your son to go.

Just say No.

[VelvetRose]

Absolutely no way!! Seriously, don't enter into any more discussion with him. As mummy time says, what court would condone this? None. The man is deluded.