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AIBU?

To not want 13 year old to trek in Northern India/Pakistan border with dad?

210 replies

pathogenius · 28/04/2015 10:04

Ex-H is moving off to travel in Northern India for 6 months. We split when our DC, now 13, was 6 months old though he's remained in and out of DC's life. Ex is struggling with major guilt about leaving DC's life for long periods of time to live in other countries. But now he would like to go off to India to live for a minimum of 6 months and he would like our DC to join him this summer for 7 weeks in and around the India/Pakistan border (trekking/living out in the open, under the stars). I am having great difficulty feeling all right with this. Ex does not know India or this area at all. He is not living a mainstream life whilst out there. He plans on roughing it, backpacking, trekking, camping, crashing here and there. It's a very unstructured life for a 13 year old. That's my opinion. Dad can do this. That's fine. But I think our DC is still too young to go away for that length of time to such a far off place. The idea is to live a life without technology, so our contact would be practically nil!

Thoughts? Experiences? Insight? Thank you!

OP posts:

Report

SouthernComforts · 28/04/2015 11:40

If your dc is a 13 year old girl then all I can say is 'is he an idiot?' And the answer would still be no if you have a son. But to take a young female to two countries with zero respect for girls/women? Not a chance in hell.

Summerisle1 · 28/04/2015 11:41

I'm a great fan of adventures as my dcs can confirm but we did our well-planned adventuring in places which the Foreign Office had no interest!

This is not an adventure. It is a bonkers and risky plan made by someone who hasn't the first clue about where he's going. Much better to do something that doesn't put your dc at unnecessary risk just because his father has had a sudden attack of misplaced guilt about his lack of parenting. This is a classic example of "No" being a complete sentence...

TwoLeftSocks · 28/04/2015 11:43

No. I'm up for this sort of thing generally but not this.

Can't he just start with the odd weekend wild camping in the Scottish Highlands and take it from there?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 28/04/2015 11:43

If he is feeling so guilty about missing 6 months of his DCs lives, can he not postpone the trip until they are older? In a few short years they will be adults & can then decide to either join him or not. Is there a reason he has to go this year?

If it does have to be now, then the answer from me would be "not a hope in hell." It's not so much the very basic camping style of the trek (sounds like the Guide camps I was forced to endure as a teen ), but the area of the world. Far too volatile a place to be holidaying with a child.

Branleuse · 28/04/2015 11:45

not in a million years

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 28/04/2015 11:48

No way on earth I would allow this.

Just recently I met someone (an adult, university graduate) who had been on one of these treks with his father and uncle. They got lost and a 6 week trek became a 3 month trek culminating in a rescue by the embassy.

Completely unsuitable for a 13 year old.

catguilt · 28/04/2015 11:50

are you sure he is actually serious about this?

does he have form in coming up with crazy plans then abandoning them?

BoatsAgainstTheCurrent · 28/04/2015 11:52

Erm, perhaps not. As you've said, your ex-dh doesn't sound like he's experienced.

Anyway... was thinking of organising an mn outing to LIBYA. Anyone interested?!

Komnu · 28/04/2015 11:53

I have travelled in India six times and adore the place. I understand your concerns re the location, but / and think that seven weeks in India for a teen could be an absolutely amazing experience, truly fantastic. Could he be persuaded to do more of a tour around India, using the trains perhaps? South India, Kerala in particular is well worth exploring, as is Tamil Nadu, Bangalore, parts of Goa, Mumbai etc etc. There are lots of wildlife parks etc where they could do trekking but in a more moderated and age appropriate way, and in a more secure location. In seven weeks you could really build a brilliant trip and it wouldn't need to cost the earth.

SunnyBaudelaire · 28/04/2015 11:55

apart from that, dont you think it is a just a wee bit irresponsible of him to give up on supporting his son, turn his life into an extended gap year, and spend seven weeks with his son in a really dodgy part of the world?

Sounds like he needs to grow the fuck up. And I am someone who is all up for adventures and alternative lifestyles.

OrlandoWoolf · 28/04/2015 11:55

Lots of other issues besides the location:

7 weeks - all summer holidays. Doesn't the OP get to spend time with DS.

Father absent from his life, goes off to India to find himself.

There could be a compromise here. As Sir Humphrey said,if he must do this damn silly thing, don't do it this damn silly way.

editthis · 28/04/2015 11:56

Not sure southern India (i.e. Kerala, Goa) are best visited in the summer holidays as it's rainy season and lots of establishments close. But travelling elsewhere could certainly be an option. Rajasthan?

Hoppinggreen · 28/04/2015 12:00

Not a bloody chance

Komnu · 28/04/2015 12:00

Oops, just re-read the bit in the OP about the proposed accommodation! That doesn't sound so great, regardless of location in India....again tho there are opportunities for that type of experience in a more structured and appropriate way, eg Kerala houseboat tours (sleeping beneath the stars on the boat's porch) and Rajastan overnight camel treks etc. If your ex could structure a trip carefully he could give your son the kinds of experiences he hopes for, but in a safe way. it would need a lot of planning but it could be done. If, however he isn't prepared to compromise on the type of trip, then I would be more wary, much more. India is beautiful and amazing, but overwhelming. To make a trip work there, especially with DC, I would say it's a 'fail to plan, plan to fail' scenario. Not to say that every second must be accounted for and you need to travel in air con tourist buses from Taj Hotel to Taj Hotel, but that if your ex puts in some decent groundwork, he and your DS won't risk going 'adrift'.

littlemslazybones · 28/04/2015 12:01

I'm not sure I can make Lybia [Boats] but I have a 7, 5 and 1 year old that could join you. I'm sure it will be an amazing experience for them.

Komnu · 28/04/2015 12:02

Good point edit - Goa's season is definitely over by then, you're right. Have been in Kerala in summer hols tho and it worked out fairly well weather wise. Although just now I hear they've had mad storms...

CheesyDibbles · 28/04/2015 12:02

Camping under the stars sounds great - but the India/ Pakistan border? Not a chance in hell.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 28/04/2015 12:03

Ex does not know India or this area at all. He is not living a mainstream life whilst out there. He plans on roughing it, backpacking, trekking, camping, crashing here and there.

You've said it all op. He sounds like a big man-baby who needs to grow the fuck up and putting your child at risk is not the way to do it. Perhaps he could try, I dunno, getting a job and being a positive presence in his child's life?

cosytoaster · 28/04/2015 12:12

No chance whatsoever would I allow this.

seventeen · 28/04/2015 12:13

I'm not against taking children travelling at all, but I wouldn't agree to this in your circumstances.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 28/04/2015 12:17

Ex is struggling with major guilt about leaving DC's life for long periods of time to live in other countries. But now he would like to go off to India to live for a minimum of 6 months

If he was feeling so damn guilty about living in other countries away from his child then he would stop bloody doing it - not encourage his DC to join him in an incredibly dangerous region.

The reason you're struggling to feel ok with it OP, is that it is unacceptable. Barring all the other absurd facts of taking a 13 year old on an non-planned trip to a hotbed of terrorism, yet again he is expecting his DC to adapt to his life rather than the other way around. I'd expect this self-centred attitude from your DC at 13 but not their bloody father.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 28/04/2015 12:17

Ex is struggling with major guilt about leaving DC's life for long periods of time to live in other countries. But now he would like to go off to India to live for a minimum of 6 months

If he was feeling so damn guilty about living in other countries away from his child then he would stop bloody doing it - not encourage his DC to join him in an incredibly dangerous region.

The reason you're struggling to feel ok with it OP, is that it is unacceptable. Barring all the other absurd facts of taking a 13 year old on an non-planned trip to a hotbed of terrorism, yet again he is expecting his DC to adapt to his life rather than the other way around. I'd expect this self-centred attitude from your DC at 13 but not their bloody father.

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OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 28/04/2015 12:18

Whoops - sorry for the double post!

SaucyJack · 28/04/2015 12:23

Nopey nope.

How about the New Forest?

ChiwetelFan · 28/04/2015 12:32

OH's extended family come from this area.

Last time he went (within the last 2 years) they ended up needing to hire armed guards. They're not flash or rich by any means, they were just taking an elderly relation to visit 'home' for the last time.

They came back a week early, as it was just too dangerous. These are people who know the area, had local contacts, spoke the language, back up plans. . . and still thought it was too volatile.

But a English backpacker with a 13 year old with no back up plans etc......sure.......

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