Aibu to expect my dh to say "do you mind if ...

[MoanCraft]

I pop out for a run?" instead of coming down in the morning dressed in his gear and go without asking.
His defence is that it's not going to affect my day at all and that we (myself and ds) probably won't even be dressed for the day by the time he comes back. Although this is probably the case, am I bu to want him to just say "do you mind if I pop out for a run?"
Of course I wouldn't mind, but it would just be nice to be asked.

Sorry about that.

I don't think it's unreasonable to say "off for a run, back in a bit" - that would suffice in our house. No need for endless discussion or validation - we're adults & expect a certain amount of autonomy without over complicating things

Some people are obviously needier than others and like to be asked about every little thing otherwise they feel they're being "taken for granted".

But, as this is in AIBU, I'm going to stick to my guns & say yes OP, YABU to expect to be asked in the circumstances you described.

Asks Cat if he minds if I take Dog out & leave him with Gerbil...

Still not hearing the kindness there, IKnowIAm!

Defnitely seems like Default Parenting to me but I might be oversensitized - I am seriously hacked off with DH over this now, every weekend he pisses off outside first thing (maintenance/gardening stuff) leaving me to sort the kids. He has no idea what I might want to do in the morning, he has never once asked and I do have to ask him to mind the kids if I want to do something without them, which is clearly begrudged.

I dress them and send them after to 'help Daddy' and he bitches at me about that, then complains when they run to me for a plaster instead of him! Talk about wanting it both ways...

Anyway, OP is not BU for expecting the most basic consideration

Also I think a bit of adult conversation around give and take is better than the game I see many friends playing, a sort of 'self care chicken' where both of you are aiming to be up and dressed and out at increasingly earlier times etc so no one can object. This was very marked with a friend who used to get up at 6 to run, then her partner started getting up at 5! It seemed this bizarre sort of set up rather than actually discussing it.

This is a very interesting thread because it shows how much language does matter. I think that in fact there is no difference in actual meaning between my or IKnow's "Off for a run, back in a bit" and other posters' "Is it alright with you if I go for a quick run?" - both are informing the other partner, providing an opportunity to object and showing courtesy. But it only works if both partners are seeing it in the same way.

If I said to my DH "Is it alright if I go for a quick run?" he'd make a face and say yes... and then joke around asking if it's okay for him to use the toilet, or if I would mind if he got a drink, or similar. It would come across like asking permission in our house and he would be confused, because it is unnecessary.

But likewise if your usual thing is to say "Is it alright if..." then it would come across as discourteous to just announce you are doing something.

Some of you are ignoring the fact that her DH does his own thing a lot without ever checking with her. It is NOT just this one event

OP

It's only since coming on MN that I realise how much my DH took for granted me being the default parent. I was a SAHM for many years and I think that feeds into it.

He is an excellent, engaged, loving dad, but now and again he would organise weekend trips away etc without acknowledging the effect that would have on me and my free time

Where does she say that Yarp? As I said, I'm really not ignorant of the "default parent" argument but I just wasn't seeing it in this case.

Oh right OK, yep, see those posts now, although I missed them before.

If I go anywhere without my kids I make sure the person who is expected to be responsible for them in my absence is at least aware of this fact it tends to prevent anyone doing a Cameron.

YANBU at all. And I'm bemused by the people who think it's "controlling" to expect your DH to be equally responsible for the care of your (presumably) joint DC. Being a parent does just fundamentally mean that your time is no longer your own to deal with as you wish (and I'm genuinely a bit surprised that some people are willing to admit that they think otherwise). God, wouldn't I love to spend the weekend in bed reading my book for no particular reason except that I quite fancy it? That would be lovely for me. I suspect DH would have something to say about it though if it made his day more difficult.

If he hasn't asked, then how does he know that you also haven't made arrangements to go for a run at exactly the same time (not asking him, of course)? You are both responsible adults with equal responsibility for a DC. The default situation is surely that if he is expecting you to cover his 50% of the childcare then he needs to ask you whether that's ok, rather than just deciding. Seriously, do people just leave the house for long periods of time without checking with their other halves? What if they've already done the same and you've accidentally left the DC on their own in the house...? Sorry - being a bit flippant but you take my point.

Well because checking and letting somebody know is a different thing.

I wouldn't and DH wouldn't check for a short trip, say under 40 mins or so. We would however let the other know that we were leaving the house, at which point the other could of course object, but the assumption is that it's fine. One of us will often go for a lie down or a bath or whatever without mentioning it, though our house is pretty small so it's not hard to check for the other person before you leave.

Perhaps the main point though is that DS is older and doesn't need to be as closely supervised/entertained all the time. I was a single parent when he was younger so will be interesting to see if it changes if/when DH and I have DC.