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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect my dh to say "do you mind if ...

136 replies

MoanCraft · 26/04/2015 20:53

I pop out for a run?" instead of coming down in the morning dressed in his gear and go without asking.
His defence is that it's not going to affect my day at all and that we (myself and ds) probably won't even be dressed for the day by the time he comes back. Although this is probably the case, am I bu to want him to just say "do you mind if I pop out for a run?"
Of course I wouldn't mind, but it would just be nice to be asked.

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 26/04/2015 21:12

Agree with Griphook - you try doing the same and see what happens and report back to us please

PastPerfect · 26/04/2015 21:14

If you're DC are young enough that they need to be "minded" then this would really piss me off - it's so bloody presumptuous that you will pick up the slack.

foreverdepressed · 26/04/2015 21:14

You say it wouldn't impact on your day at all but you still want him to ask 'permission'. Nope.

I think YABU and sound a bit controlling tbh.

Original poster
MoanCraft · 26/04/2015 21:14

I frequently wake up on a work morning and he's there and I'll say aren't you going in to work today, and he'll say he's working from home or he's got the day off. Doesn't even think of telling me the night before.

OP posts:
Runningupthathill82 · 26/04/2015 21:15

How long does he go for? If less than an hour and you're not even dressed anyway, then YABU.

If he's off out doing marathons without mentioning it, YANBU.

Original poster
MoanCraft · 26/04/2015 21:15

It's not to ask permission it's just to check in and say do you mind. I.e. Did you have anything planned etc.

OP posts:
messalina · 26/04/2015 21:18

Female keeno runner here and it is same in our house except I am the one getting up early to run. I do ask DH if it's ok (well I just tell him I am running, I don't specifically ask permission) and if it is not ok he says. Sometimes it is because he wanted to run instead and then it is a race to see who is awake and into kit earliest. I usually win.

CheesyDibbles · 26/04/2015 21:20

YANBU. Courtesy makes a huge difference, especially if you are the parent that does the majority of the being at home with the dc.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 26/04/2015 21:21

YABU, you can't ask someone every time you do anything in case it inconveniences you, you'd spend your whole time asking them, if it would, when you see him in his running kit, go "D{, actually, I needed you to watch the kids while I X'd", and then they might be U if they didn't.

Asking permission for something you'd automatically give permission for might be reasonable in certain scenario's, but between a family is bonkers.

BathshebaDarkstone · 26/04/2015 21:21

To me, "do you mind" is asking permission.

Shakey1500 · 26/04/2015 21:22

Possibly the folk who find the OP unreasonable (me included a bit) are the ones who have partners who equally wouldn't mind if the other went and did whatever.

CheesyDibbles · 26/04/2015 21:24

'Do you mind' is not asking for permission! It's being considerate.

Shakey1500 · 26/04/2015 21:26

And this comes up a LOT on MN. And I know the old "spa weekend" gets slated but fgs there's truth in it! If there's a partner doing whatever they want, when they want and expecting the other to automatically pick up the slack then turn the tables instead of accepting it surely?

I bloody did Grin

ArcheryAnnie · 26/04/2015 21:28

Yanbu. I absolutely hate the way some fathers seem to just go about their business as if they had no one to take care of but themselves. Default position: look after meeee. Mother's default position: look after the children.

dinoswore has it exactly right.

youmakemydreams · 26/04/2015 21:32

Ok the problem I see with him just leaving without running it by the op is that if that is how they are working things what if she also has something planned at the exact same time? What happens then?
It is rude and it is making her the default childcarer. My ex did this and it pissed me off no end. How can both partners make plans if one of them is always in there first but not actually communicating that to the other?
Dp goes out cycling a few nights a week generally the same few nights because it fits in with other people's activities so I knownwhat nights he's going but he still does a double check before he goes that it is convenient for him to leave then because there may be something needs done or whatever. He is being courteous and not taking it for granted that he can just up and go when he feels like it because the house and the people in it done cease to be just because he wants to go and play in the woods.

Momagain1 · 26/04/2015 21:34

If he runs regularly, he shouldnt need even your nominal permission. It is silly to have to ask your permission for something you can expect.

If he only runs once in a while, double checking you havent also planned some unexpected once in a while activity would be the right thing to do.

ParkingFred · 26/04/2015 21:39

My dh is an early riser and I am the opposite.

He will often go out cycling before anyone else surfaces, but will always tell me the night before or leave a note. It's not nice to just disappear.

But the 'do you mind if?...' sounds like asking permission, which is a bit odd, imo.

PoppyAmex · 26/04/2015 21:39

YANBU.

Default parenting and the assumption you will look after your/his child.

Bet he wouldn't expect you to just leave the house on the same terms and leave the DC behind without discussing it with him.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 26/04/2015 21:39

Possibly the folk who find the OP unreasonable (me included a bit) are the ones who have partners who equally wouldn't mind if the other went and did whatever

Yep, true. I go for a run a soon as DH gets back from work. We both know it's the best time, it's a regular thing, I'm in my running gear ready to go. 'I'm off then, see you in 20 minutes' usually suffices. 'Darling, would you mind awfully if I went for a run now?' would be a bit unnecessary.

DH does his thing once he's done bedtimes/baths for DC. Sometimes, a run, sometimes gardening, sometimes a long bath. He don't ask my permission, though he might mention which one he's doing! We have a solid, kind, loving and healthy respect for each other. No-one takes the piss, everything's equal.

You can live courteously and with respect for each other, without having to 'ask' to do things, as certain things are just smoothed out by dint of their regularity and the type of relationship you have.

UncleT · 26/04/2015 21:41

So you admit that you generally won't be dressed even by the time he gets back? His routine is well known and he can be arsed to try and keep himself fit, but you want him to ask permission each time when you say it actually doesn't affect you?? That's ridiculous.

museumum · 26/04/2015 21:50

I'm genuinely shocked how many people have a "I don't have to ask permission" attitude! Presumably you all have young children?
So what happens to the baby if both parents happen to decide to go out at the same time?
Or do you rave to the door and the loser gets to hold the baby like some pass the parcel booby prize :(

My husband and I both run and cycle. We always say "do you mind if I nip out for a run?" - often the answer is "can you grab some milk on your way back?" Or "hang on two ticks while I have a shower first".

We communicate. Neither of us would dream of just announcing our intentions for a Sunday morning without checking with the other.

BuriedSardine · 26/04/2015 21:51

He's going for a run, early Sunday morning.

Surely you should be pleased? He's looking after himself responsibly and setting an excellent example for his family.

I'd understand if he was yelling down 'do you mind if I sleep off my hangover, eat this bacon sarnie, go out for a hair of the dog' etc.

Ask your permission to go for run while you're still faffing still to decide on your day?

Blimey?

7amWakeUp · 26/04/2015 21:51

It depends how old your children are. If they are very young and need a lot of looking after then yanbu because it's hard to get yourself and everyone else fed/changed etc so that could impact on your day
If they're a bit older and you have never shown any interest in taking a turn of doing an early morning run then yabu

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 26/04/2015 21:56

So what happens to the baby if both parents happen to decide to go out at the same time?
Or do you rave to the door and the loser gets to hold the baby like some pass the parcel booby prize

Seriously? Fgs.

m0therofdragons · 26/04/2015 21:57

I'm genuinely stunned anyone thinks yabu. Just shown the op to dh who made the point op isn't being controlling but her dh is as he's dictating that she will care for dc. If he has previously agreed he goes running every Sunday then no he needn't ask each time.