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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect my dh to say "do you mind if ...

136 replies

MoanCraft · 26/04/2015 20:53

I pop out for a run?" instead of coming down in the morning dressed in his gear and go without asking.
His defence is that it's not going to affect my day at all and that we (myself and ds) probably won't even be dressed for the day by the time he comes back. Although this is probably the case, am I bu to want him to just say "do you mind if I pop out for a run?"
Of course I wouldn't mind, but it would just be nice to be asked.

OP posts:
shewept · 26/04/2015 21:01

If you weren't well, you would say I am not well. If you wanted to go out early, you would have said something.

If it's something he does every Sunday, why would he need to ask permission every Sunday? If Dh needed me not to go to thevgym, since he knows I go every week day morning he would say so.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 26/04/2015 21:01

YANBU

Mrsstarlord · 26/04/2015 21:02

The irony 'what if I'd thought it would be nice to all go out early together' 'you shouldn't just wait up in the morning and decide what you want to do yourself' - in the same post Smile

Charlotte3333 · 26/04/2015 21:02

I go running most evenings when DH is home (he works away regularly, so I make the most of him being here) and I don't think I've ever asked. I sometimes say "Off out for a run" but can't remember ever needing to ask.

It seems a little odd to want to be asked just for the sake of it.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 26/04/2015 21:02

Ah - but you see - here is the important bit - I expect you to be able to do the exact same thing. (not necessarily running if that is not your thing but going to the gym, popping to the shops etc)

Joyfulldeathsquad · 26/04/2015 21:02

Yes to dino

parsnipbob · 26/04/2015 21:02

Does he go out for a run regularly as if so he probably just assumes you know he'sgoing and you don't mind.

If you do mind, say something.

CactusAnnie · 26/04/2015 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catnuzzle · 26/04/2015 21:03

YANBU. He is assuming you are the default child carer. Any parent who does their own thing whilst making an assumption their partner will pick up the slack is an arse.

Original poster
MoanCraft · 26/04/2015 21:03

Roseotto and dinoswore these are my thoughts precisely, no he wouldn't like it if I just went out let's say, clothes shopping or something without saying, do you mind if. It is just courtesy to someone you share your life with.
I just don't do that though. I like to have a little chat about what your plans are for the day and make sure everyone is happy with what each other are doing. I always feel my life is arranged around dh's.

OP posts:
Yarp · 26/04/2015 21:03

So I wonder if this happens a lot and it is his assumption that it is OK that annoys you, rather than this particular event (which did happen to be OK)

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 26/04/2015 21:04

what if I'd thought it would be nice to go out early all together, or what if I didn't feel too well and would like dh to help get ds ready for the day

He probably assumes that you'd mention it?

shakes basket of grips

m0therofdragons · 26/04/2015 21:04

My dh needs my permission to go out - clearly I'm a cow but why would he assume without any discussion that I am fine with him going out and leaving me look after our dc. Him going without checking is like him saying "you're looking after dc because I've decided that works for me". I wouldn't ever refuse dh popping out for anything without any good reason but u would expect him to check and likewise I'd do the same.
Forgetting dc, I've said to dh in the past I'd like a run later and is that okay and he's replied oh I've got that film ready for us to watch so he asked if I'd do a shorter run so we could do both. Yep that was fine with me.
Being in a relationship is about communication. I'm not saying your dh should not go running but that he could check it won't affect you rather than assuming.

Yarp · 26/04/2015 21:04

I get it. This is really common, especially if you are a SAHM

BathshebaDarkstone · 26/04/2015 21:06

YABU. I tell people what I'm doing, but I don't ask their permission. I'm not 6.

Mrsstarlord · 26/04/2015 21:06

But that's slightly different isn't it. He goes out before anyone is even dressed so it doesn't remotely interfere with the day. Presumably going shopping requires you to be going out through the day when you could be doing stuff together. If you want to go out or have a lie in, tell him.

Yarp · 26/04/2015 21:07

I agree it's about communication

OP -how long have you noticed this? Have you talked to him about it before? Does he listen?

Shakey1500 · 26/04/2015 21:08

I sort of see where you're coming from but on the whole, I think YAB a bit U.

Our "set up" is a bit of a mix. We have a whacking great big wall diary that most things go on. I'm a tad anal in writing everything down Blush like-

Shakey, theatre pm
DH rugby am

It's a given that if there's nothing planned, it's a free for all and whoever gets in first, has it and the other will be doing childcare. If that happens then neither of us will ask, it will be a "I'm going to do xyz" Thur.

That said, it's not that we'll never tag a "that ok?" on the end of it, perhaps if it is a weekend that's "empty". But if it was early in the morning and either of us knew the other wouldn't be up to much, then it would be ok. I'm such a waffler.

Plateofcrumbs · 26/04/2015 21:08

I say YANBU - and agree with Yarp about being the default parent isn't fair. I get a bit of this off DH and it drives me mad.

Griphook · 26/04/2015 21:08

I think it all depends on whether you would be able to do the same. Try it next Sunday see what happens

Fairylea · 26/04/2015 21:09

I'm surprised people think you're being unreasonable. Why should you become default babysitter just because he fancies going out? Surely it's common courtesy just to ask you if you mind.

It's a bit different if you have older children or teens who don't need any looking after but if you have young children I don't see why he should just assume you're happy being left being the carer yet again while he just does as he pleases.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 26/04/2015 21:09

This default parent thing is awful isn't it. DH is pretty good, especially while he is not working ATM, but we regularly have a conversation like this:

Me: what should we do for dinner?
DH: Oh, I'm not hungry OR I'm not eating this evening OR I think I'll just have that leftover sandwich

Fucks me off no end. He ALWAYS replies about HIS dinner and NEVER thinks about the DC. I think I need to change my question to "What are we going to give the DC for dinner?" I just hate that because especially at weekends I think families should make an effort to eat together. He never seems to care. And seeing that I am currently the only grown up in the household going out to work (we also have a part time nanny during the week) I fail to see why I should also be the chief meal planner and short order cook at the weekends.

Original poster
MoanCraft · 26/04/2015 21:11

Yarp, you're spot on, this is quite normal behaviour from my dh, includes going out while I'm perhaps on my way back from somewhere with ds. I'll get home and he's not there, no note, nothing. It's left for me to call him and say when are you back,me hen do you want dinner etc. he just has a whole attitude of, this is what I want to do with my day. Is it generally a man thing or is that a bad suggestion.

OP posts:
FirstWeTakeManhattan · 26/04/2015 21:11

Would love to see this thread if the OP was a male. 'My wife likes to fit in a quick run in the morning, when we both know it's convenient for her to do so. It does't affect my routine one jot. However, I think she should ask my permission first, though. AIBU?'

Oh the flaming that would follow.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 26/04/2015 21:11

yanbu

Is he happy to leave DC alone? In any case, it's considerate to check.