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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect my dh to say "do you mind if ...

136 replies

MoanCraft · 26/04/2015 20:53

I pop out for a run?" instead of coming down in the morning dressed in his gear and go without asking.
His defence is that it's not going to affect my day at all and that we (myself and ds) probably won't even be dressed for the day by the time he comes back. Although this is probably the case, am I bu to want him to just say "do you mind if I pop out for a run?"
Of course I wouldn't mind, but it would just be nice to be asked.

OP posts:
Doyouthinktheysaurus · 26/04/2015 21:58

A bit odd that he can't tell you the day before, but he shouldn't have to ask your permission really if it's not impacting on you negatively.

I run on set days, we all know when I'm running so this never comes up. Saturday we do family stuff, Sunday morning I go out for a long run.

If I needed to change my long run day to Saturday I would ask DH if he was ok with that.

So I guess I'm firmly on the fence on this one!

letscookbreakfast · 26/04/2015 21:58

I think you need to get a grip OP.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 26/04/2015 22:06

I think it would be polite to check you're OK with it.

I don't want to be all, 'hur, hur, da menz.' but in the last week DH has managed to

  1. Not notice that I got up 3 times to 4yo DS in the night and hence would like a FUCKING lie-in
  2. Be utterly gobsmacked that I was going out to an event that is on the same day every month, and has been marked on the calendar for 6 weeks.

So yes, a quick verbal check-in in order, and YANBU

CalleighDoodle · 26/04/2015 22:09

I think yabu. An equal partner shouldnt not have to ask permission to go for a run. Although i am assuming he would only be gone around an hour? If youd said round of golf, id have agreed as thats all friggin day. However i do think he should communicate he is going running.

m0therofdragons · 26/04/2015 22:22

Assuming It's fine for me to do breakfast with our dc while he goes for a run leaving me with all the work and not even bother to check? Wow can't believe people are okay with that. Dh and I are equal partners and it works both ways. Neither would assume we could plan our days without any conversation Because we are in a relationship and are nice to each other.

CalleighDoodle · 26/04/2015 22:28

All the work? Cereal in bowl. Eat. Bowl in dishwasher. Supervise children dressing. Get ready. Husband returns and showers. All go out.

How long was he gone running?

m0therofdragons · 26/04/2015 22:39

Hahaha I have 3yo twins. Breakfast is stressful and needs much more than supervision. getting them dressed involves chasing. Thank goodness dd1 is good.

NomDePrune · 26/04/2015 23:02

he'll say he's working from home or he's got the day off.
Well there's your chance to just get up and leave for a run/shopping trip/meeting OP!

TheSkiingGardener · 26/04/2015 23:15

As long as he would be ok with you doing the same thing it's fine. If not, it's not fine.

Simple rule really.

Of course, if you both decided to go out without checking with the other one it would be a bit stupid really. So best check.

Cherrychocolate · 26/04/2015 23:27

My DH would always say "just taking the dog out, that ok?' Or "you alright if I pop out?". I don't view this as him asking my permission. I would do the same if I was going out. It's just what you do when you have respect for your partner, surely.

YANBU op.

UncleT · 26/04/2015 23:53

Controlling?? Forcing her to look after the children?? She herself in effect that the timing is no problem, and says it overall has no impact. Where the hell do people get this crap from?!

Presumably if for a specific reason it would prove to be an actual problem on a particular occasion the OP could speak up and discuss that around the time? Doesn't sound like it's much of a surprise that he goes out then as it's a regular occurrence. Specific problems could be flagged up as appropriate.

What is being asked for here is for permission to be requested when on the OP's admission it's actually completely fine. That's ludicrous.

UncleT · 26/04/2015 23:53

*in effect says

DrFoxtrot · 27/04/2015 00:01

YANBU. I can only assume that those posters who think OP is BU must have had the good fortune to have never been treated as the default parent.

I think OP did not expect her husband to seek permission, more of a courtesy 'i'm off out'.

UncleT · 27/04/2015 00:07

'Default parent' for a run? I doubt he's doing a marathon every day, the OP says she 'wouldn't mind' and that it's no problem, and there is no suggestion whatsoever from her of a wider problem with that. A pretty exaggerated conclusion, to say the least.

thehumanjam · 27/04/2015 00:10

It would bother me too. In the past dh would make plans and tell me rather than consult me and it would really piss me off. You don't have to live in each other's pockets but a little consideration goes a long way.

sykadelic · 27/04/2015 00:21

In the case of him working from home, you want him to ask you what your plans are for tomorrow but you didn't ask him about his plans either. It definitely looks like your relationship has some serious communication problems.

He doesn't have to ask you for permission to do something, BUT, not mentioning it is rude. It seems you are the "default parent" and he just assumes that you're looking after the baby so doesn't even need to think about that. During the week he works and you look after the baby, on the weekend he doesn't so why is the baby automatically your responsibility?

Example, what if you'd decided to go out while he was still in bed and you didn't tell him you were going... would he even think to check on the baby or would he just leave the house to go on his run thus leaving the child alone. AND would he blame you because you didn't tell him you're gone or would he even realise he should have checked on the baby?

Would you have to ask him to look after the baby? Or would it be more "I've got to shower, baby is in bed" type thing? You shouldn't have to ask him to look after the baby, it's his child too, but your relationship seems to have the dynamic that the baby is yours to deal with and I think this is the biggest issue here.

I think you're frustrated and angry that he just goes about his day without even the slightest consideration or thought about what's going on at home/with you/with the baby. A little heads up would be nice, "I'm off for a run" so you could at least say "Okay but try and be back in an hour so I can X".

NurseRoscoe · 27/04/2015 00:29

YABU if it really doesn't affect you! If I want to go swimming without the kids (don't get proper exercise if I take them!) I ask my oh if he doesn't mind me leaving them with him, as in he doesn't have to go into work or anything but I have set hours unlike him and would never expect him to ask my permission to go to the gym or something! He's not 10 years old and I'm not his mum!

NurseRoscoe · 27/04/2015 00:32

If you want a family day then a run for an hour or so isn't going to make much difference!

JessieMcJessie · 27/04/2015 05:10

You should be grateful to have a husband who looks after his health and is therefore less likely to abandon you for more than an hour on a Saturday morning by dropping dead at 50.

icklekid · 27/04/2015 05:26

I'm with you op its not permission its polite to ask. Dh and I run on set nights whilst the other looks after ds however I would still check. When I was on maternity leave there would be days when I was so exhausted from looking after ds I would say no because I needed a break from being sole carer. I think age of dc makes a difference here!

Lilicat1013 · 27/04/2015 08:30

I agree with the people who have said it is polite to ask, not necessarily every time but generally ask if it is ok to go out for a run every Sunday morning unless something comes up.

I definitely get the default parent situation, my husband has a tendency to organise things with people and tell me later when it has already been planned with who ever else is going. He doesn't consider what will be happening with the children or ask if I have any plans because I am the default parent and will always be here.

On the other hand if I want to do something as simple as go to Asda (5 mins walk away) I have to make sure he is ok to look after the kids. I cannot make any plans without ensuring that he or someone else is available to look after the children.

I generally always say yes to him and he generally always says yes to me, it is the having to ask that is the difference. I have to ask and he doesn't because the children are assumed to be my responsibility unless I have specifically asked to be able to go out. I hate that so I understand where you are coming from.

I assume those who don't understand where she is coming from have never been 'default parent' and have had to ask permission for literally anything they want to do without the children with them while their parent enjoys the freedom to plan their life without childcare concerns.

GoblinLittleOwl · 27/04/2015 08:52

Inform you :yes; ask permission: no.
If it is inconvenient, negotiate.

AlternativeTentacles · 27/04/2015 08:56

Inform you :yes; ask permission: no.

That would be the case if the husband was the boss, not an equal partner.

If the husband is assuming the wife will be there at all times to do all the children and house stuff, then that is not an equal partnership.

This husband not only thinks he is the boss, but doesn't even value his staff enough to inform them of his whereabouts.

AnneElliott · 27/04/2015 09:07

I see where you're coming from. DH does this all the time ( not running tho!). It's annoying to always be the default parent on a weekend, and I work full time too.

You need to turn the tables though as it's the only way to make them 'get it'.

Chchchchangeabout · 27/04/2015 09:29

YANBU. He is assuming you will be default childcare.

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