To not want DD to have play-dates or attend parties in certain areas due to safety concerns?

[HourOrTwo]

She is 7. Until now she only has playdates with friends whose parents we know well, but now she has a bigger group of friends. Some of these friends live on local council estates. One of these estates has a particularly bad reputation (drug problems, unemployment, high crime rate). When I drove through it recently I noticed kids playing out in street, groups of youths standing around smoking and drinking, big dogs in studded collars roaming around (no muzzles), rubbish everywhere etc. I don't mean to sound judgemental but it's not the sort of place we want DD playing or walking around.

We're happy for DD's friends to come play at ours, and we want her to socialise with children from social different backgrounds... but recently she's been invited on several play-dates on these estates plus a party. So far I've made excuses, as I don't want her playing out unsupervised and TBH don't like her going to houses unless I know the parents and trust them to keep a close eye on her. Even if I chatted to these mums at school gates and they promise to supervise, I don't want her going to houses where anyone is smoking, drinking or teenage siblings are coming in and out with their mates, or any household with a dangerous dog (there are a lot of pitbulls and rottweilers on the estate), but I can't really ask this.

How do we politely decline these play-dates without offending anyone? Is there a way we can have DD's friends at our house without her going to their houses? And what do I tell DD, without mentioning it's because of the area her friends live?

I think you have a point but you've got it all wrong.

It can make you nervous having you kids at someone else's house.as they have different rules. I know my area and am okay about the older kids playing out but it depends who they are playing with, where and with what rules which you can't control at someone else's house.

For those saying it is snobby, they are right to a degree as shit happens in all areas but it's a fact that there are some terrible estates and some that are great. In my city there are some estates where my mates live where they can go out and play, there are some that I don't like as an adult walking around esp in the evening.

Remember singsong that those of us in council estates, even the dodgy estates may well have worked hard too. I had thirty years if a professional career behind me when my marriage broke down and I lost everything. I had to go 180 miles back to my parents and throw myself on the mercy of the local council. They housed me on the local sink estate which was so bad it was practically a ghetto at night. I wouldn't have invited any child back, not because I am a bad parent, allowed my child to play out etc but because I was embarrassed about where I lived.

Don't judge people based upon where they live, they might just have a bigger story than "I couldn't be bothered to work hard and get myself out of here".

The only reason I am out of there is that my son is autistic and the council assessed me as needing a garden for him. Now in a nice leafy cul de sac which you wouldn't know was social housing.

Well it would have been fine if OP had said:

"Some of DD's friends live in an area with a high crime rate and a reputation for drugs, which sounds a little scary if I'm honest. I don't know if it's actually true as I haven't seen for myself yet, but AIBU if I don't like the idea of her playing out in the street on play dates?"

There ARE areas that have issues with crime and drugs. I know of one local estate where you just do not walk around at night on your own (and I lived there for a bit so speak from experience).

But it's the stuff about drinking and smoking and teenagers having friends that makes you sound stuck up, OP. But I suppose if they're naice middle-class types drinking expensive wine then it's okay? Just not, you know, people from estates.

I don't doubt that you have worked hard in your life to live where you do

Wow. You really think like this? Because people on council estates, well, they're all feckless layabouts, must be.

My MIL lives in a council house. She works very hard - she is a school cleaner.

Some people on higher salaries do work very hard. Some don't. Lower and minimum wage jobs tend to involve a lot more actual physical hard graft.

YABU. You sound very judgmental. Have a .

I know people living in nice middle class estates who haven't worked hard at all.

I know people living in nice middle class estates who haven't worked hard at all.

We live on a council estate: it has the worst reputation in the area.

DS got a scholarship and bursary at a very good prep school and started being invited to play and parties: some of the houses were very grand and the parents and children titled.

Not one of them ever refused an invitation to our home. Not once.

My parents work hard they pay their rent loads of people work hard but of course those hard working families are never shown on benefits Britain are they that would make boring telly get up go to work come home cook tea there is nothing to tut at.

YABcompletelyU to judge these parents on where they live!! You have every right to worry about your DDs safety but what you said in your post is just downright judgemental.
And dangerous dogs haha I own a rottweiler, I've had them all my life, even had 3 living in the same house as a child and the only thing that was dangerous was the Yorkshire Terrier, that thing was an evil bastard! Children are in danger in my house of a good licking and pestering of wanting to be stroked. Dogs are not dangerous owners are. You are a snob, I only hope your DD doesn't grow up with the same small minded views.

Oh yes, the you've worked hard to live where you do argument.

I've got a few friends who live in massive new build houses in the country. They haven't worked any harder than anyone else to live there, they have been given a plot of land, free of charge (inheritance, gift from parents etc). What with houses being cheaper to build than buy, that enabled them to build the sort of house that would have some people gasping with approval at their industriousness. It's lovely, I'd do the same if I had a relative that was willing to give me a piece of land.

But it's no reflection at all on their work ethic. How odd to assume that impressive house = hard work.

We would love to build a house in the country must get DH to try harder

I take it mrjayy is a lazy so and so
how awful darling

Lazy arsed git thats what he is

Concern about drugs, we can all understand where you're coming from. But just because a family on an estate may be poor and unemployed does not make them a danger to society. It does not make them monsters.
You sound like a snob.

Oh and how do you know who's unemployed and who's not.
Also if the children hAvd teenage siblings. Where else are they going to be they live there!

OP I've not read the whole thread, but your OP struck a chord with me as I know of two families who have been torn apart as a result of the attitudes you have expressed.

One of my friends lost all contact with her nieces (having been part of a close extended family) when her circumstances changed and she moved into a "less desirable neighbourhood", just down the road from me!
My friends nieces (teen girls) had been influenced by their mums attitude about our estate growing up, and they refused to have anything to do with their aunt, uncle or younger cousins. Despite their mum making a halfhearted attempt to undo the damage, it was too late.

In a case i came across semi-professionally, a mother withheld contact and initiated court proceedings because she didn't approve of the neighbourhood her exH had moved to when they split. Again, the DCs had been influenced by their parents attitude about the undesirable area while they were growing up (and in fact, the dad was ashamed of where he was now living, which didn't help). The DCs resisted contact and last time I knew, their relationship with their dad had become very superficial.

I will admit that my house did have lots of my teenagers friends coming in and out.

Should I have stopped them because their younger sibling might have a nice friend round and ,shock horror. they might have have to see a teenager?

Yes, God forbid the OP's precious DD should have to be in the same company as a teenager!!!

erm....maybe I should put a stop to the weekly sleep over my little brother has at my house. he is 13 now so a teenager

must not have him around my children!

Shocked at ops post! Yabvvvu op.

What a horrible post. People who live on council estates don't love or care for their children any less than you do. Why do you assume their economic status means the parents won't look after your child properly? Frankly, you don't sound very bright, let her go, she might learn a thing or two for herself.