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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD to have play-dates or attend parties in certain areas due to safety concerns?

640 replies

HourOrTwo · 26/04/2015 16:15

She is 7. Until now she only has playdates with friends whose parents we know well, but now she has a bigger group of friends. Some of these friends live on local council estates. One of these estates has a particularly bad reputation (drug problems, unemployment, high crime rate). When I drove through it recently I noticed kids playing out in street, groups of youths standing around smoking and drinking, big dogs in studded collars roaming around (no muzzles), rubbish everywhere etc. I don't mean to sound judgemental but it's not the sort of place we want DD playing or walking around.

We're happy for DD's friends to come play at ours, and we want her to socialise with children from social different backgrounds... but recently she's been invited on several play-dates on these estates plus a party. So far I've made excuses, as I don't want her playing out unsupervised and TBH don't like her going to houses unless I know the parents and trust them to keep a close eye on her. Even if I chatted to these mums at school gates and they promise to supervise, I don't want her going to houses where anyone is smoking, drinking or teenage siblings are coming in and out with their mates, or any household with a dangerous dog (there are a lot of pitbulls and rottweilers on the estate), but I can't really ask this.

How do we politely decline these play-dates without offending anyone? Is there a way we can have DD's friends at our house without her going to their houses? And what do I tell DD, without mentioning it's because of the area her friends live?

OP posts:
frikadela01 · 26/04/2015 23:33

Apart from worries about picking up terms like serviette or toilet rather than napkin or bathroom your Pfb will be OK grin

I grew up on council estates and have lived in a number of different council houses, every single one had a separate toilet and bathroom therefore saying I have to go to the bathroom when I need wee makes no sense to me Grin

OP YABU just speak to the parents about your worries and stop making blind a sumptuous.

BettyCatKitten · 26/04/2015 23:36

Tulip you are referring to poverty, not all children growing up on council estates live in poverty.
My two adult children achieved very good GCSE results and have always been in full time employment.
My younger children are at primary school and achieving well.
It is the assumption that because they live on a council estate they will not achieve.

NeedAKickUpTheFender · 26/04/2015 23:36

I think the OP is having a rough time here. I'd be concerned about my DC going to an area with a bad reputation for drugs, whatever kind of area it was. And given the OP has had the kids over to her house and invited the mums in for tea I don't think she can be accused of trying to segregate her DD.

OP, I think YWBU to stop your DD going if she wants to. As PP have suggested could you say your DD isn't very mature/ doesn't have great road sense and could they keep an eye on her if the kids play out?

EatShitDerek · 26/04/2015 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fattymcfatfat · 26/04/2015 23:37

I have two toilets! one in the bathroom and one downstairs.
we usually just shout need a wee though!
and someone always replies "WEEEEEEE" Grin

CookPassBabtrigde · 26/04/2015 23:45

I call it toilet because its a toilet Confused even if you say you're off to the bathroom everyone knows you're going to do your business! I didn't know you were supposed to say bathroom..

SilverBirch2015 · 26/04/2015 23:45

Ladies, I'm surprised no one has reported your posts yet. Lavatory or loo or bog is what us refined people say, you really don't want people knowing you come from the estate.

fattymcfatfat · 26/04/2015 23:49

ah but silver if we say we are going to the loo then we know they are off for a shit (see my last post regarding wee) Grin so then we shout poo poo in a silly voice. ( it's just me and my kids here, can you tell I don't get out much Grin )

SilverBirch2015 · 26/04/2015 23:53

You're right of course, I am just pretending.

At home I usually say Wee and Loo for a longer sitting! It's important to let family know how long you will be, IMO. Once forgot where I was and said at work just off for a wee Blush

fattymcfatfat · 26/04/2015 23:55

Grin haha brilliant. I do it everywhere Blush it's just habit now. I'm sure everyone is used to me and if not they can do one (see how hard I is cs I is from the estate innit Wink )

LucyBabs · 26/04/2015 23:59

You have really hit a nerve op

I don't believe you are judging all council estates I think you are worried about this particular estate and you have every right too if you think your dd would be at risk.

I live in a fairly rough area. I have lovely neighbours and my DC have made lovely friends. I'm not from here so it was a bit of a culture shock. Almost everyone has a big dog. Children as young as 5 are seen walking pit bulls with no muzzle. I've seen children bare foot and filthy wandering around alone that live 3 blocks from my road.

I love where I live though I have settled in well. However if I was to come to this area not knowing anyone I wouldn't allow my DC on play dates if I didn't know the family well. Surely its common sense?
Dogs roaming free. Groups of teenagers hanging around drinking. How would you think this is a safe environment for your child if you didn't know or trust anyone from the area?

If I was in a more privileged area and these things were going on I still wouldn't allow my children there without me, if I didn't know the family.

I think the op is getting a bashing for being a snob when IMO she is concerned for her DC. Maybe if she'd left out the part about it being a council estate this would be a different thread...

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 27/04/2015 00:03

Oh my.

I really hope that when DD starts Reception in September, her classmates' parents aren't as narrow minded and ignorant as you OP.

We live in the one road of social housing in a village of otherwise expensive detached houses (mostly anyway).

God forbid you yourself should fall on hard times - redundancy, serious illness etc. - leading to you having your home repossessed & turning to a HA for a roof over your child's head.

Watch who you step on on your way up the ladder OP, you might need them on the way down!

LucyBabs · 27/04/2015 00:04

parsnipbob Your rottweiler used to let you ride it?! I proper pmsl at that image Grin

FixItUpChappie · 27/04/2015 00:07

LucyBabs speaks basic sense IMO. OP your getting generally slammed but I wouldn't let my kids visit anywhere I was uncomfortable with nor where I didn't have a solid read on the parents.

Being PC at the expense of all else is for political candidates, not parents.

fattymcfatfat · 27/04/2015 00:08

I rode my Rottweiler once. I stupidly didn't hold on though and fell off and hit my head on the fire place Sad

the Rottweiler came and slobbered all over me though so that made it better Grin

SilverBirch2015 · 27/04/2015 00:10

I'm not so sure.

I feel she is making pretty awful assumptions about people's parenting abilities purely based on their place of residence. In my experience this is a pretty sloppy assumption. My faith in my DS to choose friends based on how much he enjoyed their company at school, proved more reliable as a way of judging their family's values than whether their family lived in a nice house/area.

I can remember my mum was quite pushy and selective about who I should be friends with, I often ended up going round to some pretty horrid girls houses with little adequate parental supervision based on their "upper middle classness" .

CookPassBabtrigde · 27/04/2015 00:16

lucybabs I think the real issue is that the OP doesn't know these families well, as any parent would feel a little anxious about leaving their child at a new friends house for the first time, but the problem is she's highlighted the fact that they live on a council estate as a more solid reason for her concerns. it's basically come across as 'they live in a rough area so I'm worried about the smoking, drinking, drug abuse and scary dogs' as though it's just a given that all these things are more than likely, but wouldn't be a problem in a middle class area.

LucyBabs · 27/04/2015 00:26

cook that didn't come across in any of the ops posts though. She mentioned the things she saw for herself on the estate. I don't think anyone would be comfortable leaving their child in an estate with anti social behaviour on top of not knowing or trusting the family.

Also I had to laugh at a pp who said its unlikely a family organising a play date or party would be drinking or taking drugs hahaha! Believe me I wouldn't allow a particular neighbour of mine to mind a gold fish never mind my precious DC!

LucyBabs · 27/04/2015 00:28

fatty Grin

Stratter5 · 27/04/2015 00:38

I can't work out if I'm BU to find this thread slightly hilarious, as well as pathetic.

OP I come from an outwardly perfect family in your eyes. Big house in the country, ponies, tennis, ballet, and piano lessons. Mother that was at home, father something biggish in the City. Lots of animals, my parents were also slightly Good Life-ish.

I also used to quite regularly come down in the morning at the weekend to find heaps of sozzled adults snoring off their home made wine hangovers. And I was kicked out of the house in the mornings, and expected to stay out until dinner time. I was an incredibly neglected child.

But you would think me the perfect play date, with my immaculate school uniform, being dropped off at school in a big merc. In reality, your child would be far better off going to play with one of the village council house children, in whose houses I spent most of my time, and whose parents were infinitely better than mine.

CookPassBabtrigde · 27/04/2015 00:57

One of these estates has a particularly bad reputation (drug problems, unemployment, high crime rate)

Even if I chatted to these mums at school gates and they promise to supervise, I don't want her going to houses where anyone is smoking, drinking or teenage siblings are coming in and out with their mates, or any household with a dangerous dog

Is there a way we can have DD's friends at our house without her going to their houses? And what do I tell DD, without mentioning it's because of the area her friends live?

It did come across like that to me, lucy. Firstly OP mentioning unemployment is irrelevant and if she is just worried about her DD playing out unsupervised, then the fact it's on a council estate is largely irrelevant too. I can understand her not wanting DD to play out unsupervised in any location - there are dangers and concerns in every area - and it's a valid question of what to do if the friends parents allow the children to do so.
Then she says I just don't feel comfortable with DD playing on estates that have bad reputations. Then she later says she doesn't want her DD playing out anywhere, at all. It does come across like she is less trusting of parents from council estates, and really like she just doesn't want her DD to set foot on one, based on what she's seen out of the car window.

LucyBabs · 27/04/2015 01:07

Fair enough cook I took from her posts it was this particular estate the she'd seen for herself that she was worried about.

There's an area close to where I live that I wouldn't allow my DC be without me, even though I have family living there. My family are great but its the scum that live there that worries me. My family have no control over people like that. I'm talking drug dealers who I have seen to be violent and drug addicts who'd rob their own Granny for a fix..

Singsongsung · 27/04/2015 02:56

OP you are not being unreasonable at all. You are being a parent and putting the welfare of your child first. I don't doubt that you have worked hard in your life to live where you do and to give your children the kind of upbringing you can. Why allow other influences to ruin that?
There are parents out there who cheerfully will allow 5/6 year olds to play out alone wherever and whatever. YANB at all U to want to look after your young daughter.

SewingAndCakes · 27/04/2015 07:28

Oh that's lovely Singsongsung Hmm So living in a nice MC place is all about hard work then, and everyone living in poverty or on a council estate must be there through laziness? Nothing to do with luck or upbringing or life events then?

Bit of Channel 5/Daily Mail stereotyping going on there.

I happily dropped my son off to play with his friend who lives on the council estate near us. I've stopped now because of concerns about lack of boundaries for the boy as he was playing GTA all night and has been isolated and bullying my son at school. Nothing to do with where he lives.

My friend was brought up by violent abusive parents in Ordsall, Salford, and now lives in Moss Side. She is the kindest, best parent I know and I look to her for advice and support. You can't judge anyone based on where they come from, you have to spend time getting to know them.

parsnipbob · 27/04/2015 07:31

Singsongsung I am pretty disgusted with your attitude but not surprised going by a few of the other responses on this thread.