To not want DD to have play-dates or attend parties in certain areas due to safety concerns?

[HourOrTwo]

She is 7. Until now she only has playdates with friends whose parents we know well, but now she has a bigger group of friends. Some of these friends live on local council estates. One of these estates has a particularly bad reputation (drug problems, unemployment, high crime rate). When I drove through it recently I noticed kids playing out in street, groups of youths standing around smoking and drinking, big dogs in studded collars roaming around (no muzzles), rubbish everywhere etc. I don't mean to sound judgemental but it's not the sort of place we want DD playing or walking around.

We're happy for DD's friends to come play at ours, and we want her to socialise with children from social different backgrounds... but recently she's been invited on several play-dates on these estates plus a party. So far I've made excuses, as I don't want her playing out unsupervised and TBH don't like her going to houses unless I know the parents and trust them to keep a close eye on her. Even if I chatted to these mums at school gates and they promise to supervise, I don't want her going to houses where anyone is smoking, drinking or teenage siblings are coming in and out with their mates, or any household with a dangerous dog (there are a lot of pitbulls and rottweilers on the estate), but I can't really ask this.

How do we politely decline these play-dates without offending anyone? Is there a way we can have DD's friends at our house without her going to their houses? And what do I tell DD, without mentioning it's because of the area her friends live?

parsnipbob what you do with your dog is your business of course but when people come to my house I want them to feel comfortable. I would not need to tie my cat up at all, he would simply go and sit (and sleep) in another room.

Guests are at a person's house for a hour or two, obviously guests staying for days would need to accommodate my cat or could not stay!

I'm with Italian on this one. I think it's very strange not to keep your pets away from guests if guests are nervous or uncomfortable.
It's irrelevant how quiet the pet is. Many people are nervous of all dogs and don't want one loose around themself or their child. What if child had been bitten in past and was petrified of all dogs even quiet ones? I don't think it's your place to say child will 'get over it' after spending time in your house. Some phobias are made worse this way. Having exposure sessions with a therapist is a more reliable way to overcome a phobia, not forcing child to confront it in a stranger's house.

My DSD used to be afraid of dogs when she was little and friends always put their dogs away when we visited. Sometimes she'd be invited to stroke quiet ones but if she said no I wouldn't insisted. I wouldn't have thought very highly of anyone who insisted on their dog having free range while she was there. It gives the very clear message you care more about your pet than your guest.

I'm with parsnip on this one, I wouldn't tie my dog up or lock it away, sorry. If my guests don't want to be around dogs that's fine, they don't have to come round. I warn all my guests I have a dog, let them know my dog is friendly, not intrusive and not boisterous, and that's up to them if they want to come round or not.

It's daft to pander to your child's fear of dogs, why would you want them to be terrified of every dog that walks past, as Cook points out?

My animals are just as important as the people in my house!!!

also Italian cats are a bit different to dogs, my 3 cats tend to stay out of the way of guests anyway. My dog gets really upset if she's not around her family, she likes to be near me.

I have friends who don't like babies and a friend with a DD who is actually freaked out by babies, should I also lock my baby away when she comes round? No? I thought not.

roslyndee clearly if a friend was afraid of babies you would need to meet without children for an evening, e.g. in the pub!

Also if you dog/s could not be away from you when you had a guest round and the guest did not like dogs at all they would self select not to come round.

The OP was talking about her dd being on a play date away from her and she is obviously saying she is not sure she wants her child around dogs. How is that any different from your friends self selecting not to come round to you if that involves dogs or babies or whatever.

Also respecting other people's fears is not pandering to them. Most parents want their kids to be unafraid but forcing them into situations they find scary is not helpful. Both my kids are scared of spiders, how to tackle that one!!

But you are totally right about cats, the doorbell has just gone, my friend is here and the cat has bolted upstairs!

Italian I am terrified of spiders I have to admit. But I can't imagine anyone having a spider as a treasured house pet :)

Actually I have to make a concentrated effort not to show I'm scared of spiders to my DC as I don't want to pass my fear onto them!

Perhaps I should have phrased it better, of course if a friend's child didn't want the dog coming up to them, I would keep it away, keep hold of it etc. What I objected to was being told I would have to lock it up or tie it up, as I don't think that's fair to the dog. I wouldn't allow it to bound up to the child and lick it etc.

I'd try and keep my cats out of the way. I wouldn't try and keep my kids, though.

OP: I think you really do have to try and find some way to tackle the assault in your childhood. Please do. And that means actually realising it for what it was - possibly something nastier than you have made it into, because it wasn't some kind of normal interaction with kids, it was an assault. It's not the way that normal 14 year olds act with smaller children. Ask any parent of a 14 year old. And you cannot, simply cannot, expect other people to keep their teenagers out of the way for your child on the basis of your own horrible experience.

Roslyndee, how would you feel if your friend had a pet tarantula that was allowed out of its cage? If she insisted on holding it and letting it walk on table while you visited because she felt it needed company and felt you should get used to it to get over your fear? Wouldn't you feel a bit irritated that her pet's needs came first, and you had to put up with feeling anxious around the spider every time you visited?

It's a tricky one with pets, but any well-trained dog should be able to tolerate being alone for a few hours. Maybe dog needs to get over its fear of being apart from family instead of being pandered to. There are times when you have no choice about restricting dog to another room eg if a visitor has allergies. Or if a healthcare professional visits and asks for dog to be tied up/shut away. My friend is a community nurse so she visits people in their own homes, she ALWAYS phones ahead and asks them to shut dog away before she arrives- she is within her rights and can refuse to visit if people don't comply. Years ago she was bitten by a dog in a patient's house (a dog owner insisted was 'soft as butter'). She wouldn't care if you dog dislikes being away from its family while she's there. Her priority is her own safety and rightly so. Would you refuse to shut your dog away if a visiting nurse/HCP requested it?

Oh and babies don't bite
I don't think a dog can be considered part of a family in same way that a baby is.

how would you feel if your friend had a pet tarantula that was allowed out of its cage? If she insisted on holding it and letting it walk on table while you visited because she felt it needed company and felt you should get used to it to get over your fear? Wouldn't you feel a bit irritated that her pet's needs came first, and you had to put up with feeling anxious around the spider every time you visited?

with respect, a tarantula doesn't have the same need for love and affection as a dog does. However, her home, her pet, her rules. I probably just wouldn't go round there.

As an example, I am not keen on lizards but one of my friends has a pet iguana that wonders freely round the house. I don't mind it being there. My 6 yr old DS was terrified of it at first but now loves it, and would still be terrified if I'd been rude enough to insist it was locked away.

caspian believe me, there have been times I have vastly preferred my dog to my various babies. We consider our dog a member of our family.

I don't think op is on about the council estate mother's dogs, she's worried about the kids playing out where there are status dogs with harnesses roaming free, there is not a lot you can do about that other than ask the mother's if they let their dc's play out unsupervised as she is worried about the roaming dog's and doesn't allow or want her dd to play out without an adult present. My kid's play out unsupervised as i believe it is safe to do so on my council estate, most of the kids play out, there is a group and parents in and out checking on the group. You can't really expect the mother from the playdate to supervise them playing out if they normally let their kid's play out. I wouldn't make any further invite's if i invited someone and they said their dc must stay in the house/garden or can play out as long as an adult is present at all time's, mine play out and i wouldn't keep my DC in if they wanted to play in the street with their friends, too much hassle

My niece and nephew are afraid of dogs because their mother is, and when they were small she would swoop them up and hold them, trembling, if any animal crossed their path.

I always put my dog away when they came to visit, but after a few years my SIL refused. Can't say I blame her.

As far as the OP goes...I don't know. YABU to stereotype based on someone's address.

But there are houses my son is not allowed to go to. One is because the mother screamed at her twelve year old daughter and called her a little fucking bitch, among other things. The other is because the mother left her son and mine alone (they're 7) without checking with me (to run to the store) and also they are allowed unsupervised access to YouTube, which I am not okay with at all.

I've been called a snob for both of these things because the families don't have a lot of money (though we can't have much more, we're all neighbors!) but, well, whatever. I'm not comfortable with my son being exposed to some things at the age he is, and that's that. I'll make the decision.

The pet iguana would freak me out a bit, I'd be worried it might try to climb up my legs I think I'd be constantly watching it. If friend refused to put it in another room i'd think she was disrespectful and I wouldn't want to visit again.

Our dog is a member of our family too, but like our kids, he knows he doesn't always come first. I certainly don't rate his need for constant company higher than my visitors need for feeling safe. His sheer size puts some people on edge.
I've always felt that being a good host means putting your guests' needs and preferences before those of your family and yourself. I want my guests to feel welcome and relaxed, even they're only here a couple of hours. I don't see the hardship in adapting the way you normally do things to help guests feel at ease. I don't see what there is to gain by making them fit in with you or being inflexible.

I guess we'll have to disagree on this one.

caspian frankly if I shut my dog away the constant scratching and howling would ruin the guests' visit anyway. I don't see why that is preferable to her being in the same room, comfortably curled up asleep in the corner, which is what she would do?

But yes, we can agree to disagree.

I don't mind the iguana really, I know it can't hurt me. And my DS loves it, and I think it's really important to have children around animals. Hence why I have picked up on the dog thing so strongly.

Agree with Jennifersrabbit-

Let her go but try and hang around for a cup of tea.

My daughter lives here, and her friends are welcome here. If a whole gang started spending every evening here, I might feel differently; but it is their home. Telling them they can't have their friends here unless by appointment will drive them away, which is not madly desirable for all sorts of reasons.

OP I did not see the bit about assault in your childhood so do not know which bit of the thread that refers to, but agree with motherinferior if this happened you should talk to a professional for help.

Have pmed you.

Hope you are OK. Lots of sensible comments amongst more negative ones. Really hope they are helping you.

roslyndee I was not specifically thinking of a pet spider but of the idea of not pandering to kids fears. My dd will not use our downstairs look, kind of an outback loo! Because it has spiders in it. Should I force her to use it so as not to pander to her fear! Should I force you to!!

downstairs loo not look!

Why do dog owners think the world revolves around their dog?! Yes, you like it, you know it's friendly and harmless but that doesn't mean other people know that or have to tolerate it.

shrunken no they certainly don't but if they choose to be guests in my home then I'm not going to get rid of my dog because they don't like it being there!

The world doesn't revolve around my guests or their precious DC, either.

Don't people want their guests to feel comfortable in their house? I have a cat. If a guest has an issue with the cat I will move it out of her way.

yes of course but I also want my pets to feel comfortable and I won't lock them in another room just because someone doesn't like them. If they were unsafe or the person was frightened or had allergies, I might consider it.