To not want DD to have play-dates or attend parties in certain areas due to safety concerns?

[HourOrTwo]

She is 7. Until now she only has playdates with friends whose parents we know well, but now she has a bigger group of friends. Some of these friends live on local council estates. One of these estates has a particularly bad reputation (drug problems, unemployment, high crime rate). When I drove through it recently I noticed kids playing out in street, groups of youths standing around smoking and drinking, big dogs in studded collars roaming around (no muzzles), rubbish everywhere etc. I don't mean to sound judgemental but it's not the sort of place we want DD playing or walking around.

We're happy for DD's friends to come play at ours, and we want her to socialise with children from social different backgrounds... but recently she's been invited on several play-dates on these estates plus a party. So far I've made excuses, as I don't want her playing out unsupervised and TBH don't like her going to houses unless I know the parents and trust them to keep a close eye on her. Even if I chatted to these mums at school gates and they promise to supervise, I don't want her going to houses where anyone is smoking, drinking or teenage siblings are coming in and out with their mates, or any household with a dangerous dog (there are a lot of pitbulls and rottweilers on the estate), but I can't really ask this.

How do we politely decline these play-dates without offending anyone? Is there a way we can have DD's friends at our house without her going to their houses? And what do I tell DD, without mentioning it's because of the area her friends live?

Assuming my dog was safe and friendly (which it is), no I would not tie my dog up in another room/shut the dog away. My home is my dog's home. And actually my dog gets frightened if away from her family, so it would be incredibly cruel to shut her away or tie her up.

I would obviously respect a parents wishes regarding unsupervised playing.

Tbh I would feel a bit insulted if she said all that to me, yes. It's like insinuating I can't look after children.

You seem to think everyone should be treating the OP with tolerance and understanding but she isn't willing to return the favour as far as I can tell.

I'm sorry but I really cannot fathom how anyone would think it was appropriate to ask a host to tie up or lock away their blameless family pet in order to pander to an over anxious parent!!

Teenagers thing, yes that too.

the teenagers thing really annoys me too. you can dress it up and blame the OPs bad experience all you like but there are other people out there, including me, who have suffered far worse. but still wouldn't dreamof accusing all male teens of being the same. it's not on.

I live in a sleepy village, the kids went to school in a nearby quiet leafy town where one small area had a problem with drugs and antisocial behaviour. It was a town no-one outside of the area had ever heard of then Ian Huntley came to town and suddenly our town's name was on everyone's lips. Those terrible crimes didn't happen in the area with the problems, they happened in the quiet, leafy area where nothing ever happened.

Parsnip, why do you think she's not willing? It sounds like she was prepared to cater to any needs the children had when they came to her for play dates, eg asking mums what food they like, if they had any special requirements etc.

I'm surprised you wouldn't keep your dog away from a child if they were scared of him! Kids are often nervous of my dog (he's friendly and well-trained but very large) so I chain him outside or shut him in a room downstairs. It would never occur to me to say to a nervous child 'this is his home, you'll have to put up with him'. Some kids are so nervous they won't step over him/ move him out of way when he blocks doorways, and they freeze when he approaches. I'd hate for any visitor to feel anxious in my home.

Good grief only read the op so sorry if this has been covered but fuck me! I wasn't aware that unemployment was generally spread by contact with seven year old children! I take it you're assuming that these parents that have invited your child to a party or play date will be allowing them to hang out on street corners with the great unwashed. My advice is to move your child from this school very very quickly before she catches a bad case of councilestateitus

The best way for kids to get over fears is to confront them IMO. I was terrified of dogs as a small child. Then we got one. Now I absolutely adore them (all breeds, and all animals).

Fine if dog is boisterous or whatever but mine isn't. It's her home. No I'm not going to tie her up or lock her away when she hasn't done anything wrong and won't do anything wrong. Why should I?

Dixie I hope you'd be willing to either tie your teen up or shut him in another room, lest his presence upset an anxious child.

as far as dogs go, mine US a very large GSD who thinks he is a pup and can jump up at people. so he does get put out of the way until the children are used to him and he is used to them, as he doesn't jump on people he knows (they get introduced slowly by peeking at him through part open doorways and gradually building from there over numerous visits)
but re the teens read my last post.

If the parents want child to confront fear of dogs, I'd have no problem introducing child to my dog and helping them bond. He's not boisterous but he's inquisitive and likes attention, and will approach visitors for attention! My DSD was scared of dogs when she was younger and she's fine with them now. But really it's the parents call, not yours. If a child (or parent) was anxious about my dog being loose, I would chain him or put him inside. That's the only polite, respectful thing to do IMO. Some people are terrified of dogs and will not feel safe no matter how gentle, friendly or soft you feel your dog is. Actually I'd never claim any dog is 100% safe around kids and I always keep an eye on them.
One of my adult friends is scared of dogs. She tenses up every time my dog comes near her. Should I tell her she's not welcome in my house because it's my dog's right not to be restricted? I don't see the harm in a dog being chained up or confined to a room sometimes.

Re teenagers, I don't have teenagers yet so it's not an issue for us. Although by time my DC is old enough for play dates, DSC will be in teens! But I don't really see why it would be an issue unless teenagers have friends over ever single day? Can't teenagers just have their friends round on different days to younger kids? Some of my friends have teenagers but I don't see much of them and they've never had big groups of friends round when I've been there or DSC have been there. Do people really have lots of teenagers using their house as a hangout on a daily basis?

I don't have teens yet either but if my oldest came back with friends when I had my younger ones friend round I would not tell my son he couldn't have people in!

I see where you're coming from, but some younger children might find a big group of teenagers intimidating. TBH I wouldn't want my DSC bringing friends round spur of the moment, even when they're teenagers I'd expect them to run it past me the day before so I had a chance to plan meals etc. If I was hosting a shy/nervous child on a play-date that day I'd tell teenager to choose a different day. Not rocket science.

Yes fine it's the parents choice if they don't want their child to get over their fear, but it's not their choice to dictate what I do with my dog in my own home, sorry.

One of my friends hates cats. I have two. She still comes round. If they come up to her she just ignores them. She certainly wouldn't expect me to shut them away. They live here!

why? it's not as though they would be around the child, from experience, teens would rather be in their room away from annoying little kids! and if they turned up unannounced they wouldn't be getting fed, but as a teen I used to go meet my friends after tea and choose a house to doss in, or get money for the chippy and spend it on fags
I was the only one with a much younger sibling and we rarely ended up at mine as we knew he would try and get us to play, even if he had friends round

As someone who was a shy, anxious, v nervous child, I can tell you for a fact that pandering to it is about the worse thing you can do. It's well intentioned, but it's not good.

For instance, I used to have a hysterical fear of eating outside due to fear of wasps. I used to beg to be allowed to stay in the car to eat lunch on days out for this reason. My mum just used to make me get on with it. And a bloody good thing too or I would still be like that now.

Agree parsnip

IME a lot of children are nervous of dogs. My cousins used to be quite fearful of them til we got ours, it just took being around a gentle calm dog to nip the nervousness in the bud and stop it from turning into a full blown phobia which can affect everyday life.
Kids need to know dogs are not toys and need to be treated with respect, but at the same time not be terrified that every dog they walk past is going to eat them.

The teenagers thing is beyond ridiculous. The OP does come across as over anxious but that is something she needs to deal with and not project fear about the most ordinary occurrences in life onto her dd. You can shield small children from teenagers all you like but they won't know what's hit them on their first day if secondary school will they? All you're doing is creating an overly nervous, timid, insecure child.

I would put my dogs away if children are visiting, they are fine with people and love kids but i don't leave then unattended with my kid's so wouldn't with someone else's. One of DDs friend's is scared of dogs so they are put in the kitchen behind the baby gate when she come's

I absolutely love my pet cat but if any guest, or their child, was nervous of cats I would happily make sure the cat was out of the way for a guest. I think it is perfectly fine for a guest not to want to be around an animal. I would want to make the guest comfortable. I find it very strange not to want to do that for a guest who is with you only for a short time.

If people want to confront any fears of pets, rational or irrational, then that is their business.

Yes it is their business. But it's my home, and I'm not tying my dog up or locking it away because they're scared of it, sorry.

Worth pointing out here that my dog is a very small, very old, very quiet spaniel cross.