To not want DD to have play-dates or attend parties in certain areas due to safety concerns?

[HourOrTwo]

She is 7. Until now she only has playdates with friends whose parents we know well, but now she has a bigger group of friends. Some of these friends live on local council estates. One of these estates has a particularly bad reputation (drug problems, unemployment, high crime rate). When I drove through it recently I noticed kids playing out in street, groups of youths standing around smoking and drinking, big dogs in studded collars roaming around (no muzzles), rubbish everywhere etc. I don't mean to sound judgemental but it's not the sort of place we want DD playing or walking around.

We're happy for DD's friends to come play at ours, and we want her to socialise with children from social different backgrounds... but recently she's been invited on several play-dates on these estates plus a party. So far I've made excuses, as I don't want her playing out unsupervised and TBH don't like her going to houses unless I know the parents and trust them to keep a close eye on her. Even if I chatted to these mums at school gates and they promise to supervise, I don't want her going to houses where anyone is smoking, drinking or teenage siblings are coming in and out with their mates, or any household with a dangerous dog (there are a lot of pitbulls and rottweilers on the estate), but I can't really ask this.

How do we politely decline these play-dates without offending anyone? Is there a way we can have DD's friends at our house without her going to their houses? And what do I tell DD, without mentioning it's because of the area her friends live?

parsnip I certainly wouldn't consider you the dregs of society now but wouldn't tend to associate with someone like you due to our very different upbringings giving us very different values. As for great intelligence I'm not sure I'd go that far, but having an IQ in the 98th percentile means I'm far from thick. There's always someone more intelligent though!

Rich may I ask you what you think my upbringing was like then? Please, do tell.

Just an arrogant twat then.

Jealousy is a terrible working class trait.

What a nasty, arragant snob you sound like Rich.

I have lovely neighbours and friends who are extremely wealthy, many are private school educated, they would run a mile from you.

No Rich, seriously, what was my upbringing like?

Don't feed it.

Usual I'm curious as I believe he is genuine.

Narrow mindedness always intrigues me as much as it infuriates me. :)

He's a troll looking for a reaction.

Best ignored.

And imo the OP isn't genuine either.

Is it really Rich?
I've always found that the aspiring middle classes to be the most jealous.

Thing is though, Rich's attitude isn't at all unusual. Lots of parents at DD's school do not let their kids play on the council estates. They even discourage their kids from socialising with kids from estate because they think it will drag them down academically. There were a lot of raised eyebrows when I started having DD's new friends round on playdates.

And before you all scream 'snob' at me again, these are not MY views, I am trying to challenge such attitudes and get DD to socialise with lots of different children. But as I've said all along, I do have concerns about her playing out on estates where there are drug problems, dogs, crime etc. And most of the posters on here have done nothing to change my fears, in fact I feel even more wary of letting her go on playdates there. I feel you are dismissing and glossing over the dangers of a child playing in this environment. A few brave women stepped forward and said they live on estates like this but would not let their kids go on playdates here if they didn't live here, and described local unstable families they wouldn't dream of letting their kids visit.

I'm also shocked you think its ok to let your teenage son fill the house with his teenage mates on the day my DD is visiting for a playdate. Sorry, I think this is rude and irresponsible! I don't care if your son is lovely, I don't want my DD surrounded by teenage lads at the age of 7. Some of my friends have teenagers but they don't have groups of friends traipsing in and out during playdates. If your teenagers can't manage one day without their mates in the house, you're not the family I want DD going to for a playdate.

To the poster who objected to the term 'the mums from the estates', no offence was intended, but what is the correct term? I've also referred to 'mums from the village' but no village mums are up in arms about it.

I've obviously rubbed a lot of people up the wrong way, but I really wasn't judging you or assuming things about people who live on council estates. I think many on this thread are hypersensitive and very very defensive and quick to jump on anything that could be perceived as 'judging' them. This helps no-one and does nothing to break down social barriers. If you want mums who don't live on estates to feel ok with their kids coming to yours to play, stop thinking everyone else is a snob and let them get to know you. The only way I would let DD go on one of these playdates is if I knew and trusted the mum... and given the attitudes on here, that seems unlikely to happen.

Sounds like play dates are just not your thing then OP.

If you can't accept that other families have teenagers around, best avoid them. Good luck when your daughter is older and starts challenging your views though!

Play dates !!! Dont want to derail your thread Op, though weve had dogs and the wind up merchant calling himself Rich. Whatever happened to just plain old coming round for tea or out to play. Where did this awful term playdate start.

Oh OP. Seriously. Get over yourself.

I wouldn't let my children come and play under your bridge either, OP.

I feel sorry for your daughter tbh. She is going to grow up with your prejudices and daft fears.

Unfortunately, OP, nothing you've said has convinced me you're not a snob and are not busy judging people who live in a different kind of environment to you.

If the estate thing didn't bother you, then your question would have been simply 'AIBU not to let DD play at the houses of people I don't know?', wouldn't it?

And your horror of there being other, older children in the house while younger children are there on playdates is just plain weird.

Yes the teenagers thing is bizarre. Also why post on AIBU if you're told you are and you don't take anything on board? I mean just go and be a snob in peace.

OP you came on here to ask if you were being unreasonable to avoid sending you child to a place where you had concerns about safety, and the majority of posters agreed that if you weren't sure then you should listen to your instincts. Maybe communicate with the parent about ground rules for a play date. That's fine.

What people have objected to is the way you made assumptions about the parenting abilities of people who live in particular areas and they have given you many examples to counter that of their own childhood and that of people they know. You haven't acknowledged that you have offended many people on here with your prejudiced accusations.

I don't think you're actually interested in challenging any of your ideas, and you just fancied a bit of a rant about those you feel are below you.

Now l am a bit fed up.
I read your first (latest post) where you explained your opinion a bit more fairly!

And then: that silly nonsense about teenagers again.

Why do you fear them?

In my experience, they are one of the nicest age groups around.

You need to fix that.

In a few short years, your daughter will be one too.

So because you live on a council estate, of course you a bad parent who can't watch your kid and her friend and your older children are doing God knows what

Op you sound a right snob, not quite sure what you expected from this offensive post you wrote.