To not want DD to have play-dates or attend parties in certain areas due to safety concerns?

[HourOrTwo]

She is 7. Until now she only has playdates with friends whose parents we know well, but now she has a bigger group of friends. Some of these friends live on local council estates. One of these estates has a particularly bad reputation (drug problems, unemployment, high crime rate). When I drove through it recently I noticed kids playing out in street, groups of youths standing around smoking and drinking, big dogs in studded collars roaming around (no muzzles), rubbish everywhere etc. I don't mean to sound judgemental but it's not the sort of place we want DD playing or walking around.

We're happy for DD's friends to come play at ours, and we want her to socialise with children from social different backgrounds... but recently she's been invited on several play-dates on these estates plus a party. So far I've made excuses, as I don't want her playing out unsupervised and TBH don't like her going to houses unless I know the parents and trust them to keep a close eye on her. Even if I chatted to these mums at school gates and they promise to supervise, I don't want her going to houses where anyone is smoking, drinking or teenage siblings are coming in and out with their mates, or any household with a dangerous dog (there are a lot of pitbulls and rottweilers on the estate), but I can't really ask this.

How do we politely decline these play-dates without offending anyone? Is there a way we can have DD's friends at our house without her going to their houses? And what do I tell DD, without mentioning it's because of the area her friends live?

sewing yes, exactly. Nothing wrong with trusting your instincts about a safe place for your child to go but you have had so many experiences from other people which counteract that that to be honest I think you actually have no interest whatsoever in hearing different points of view, you simply don't want your precious DD going to a 'council estate'.

On a side note I really, really have to say that if your DD has a fear of dogs the best thing to do is introduce her to to a dog. I too was scared of dogs until we got one.

anyway, in answer to your original question of 'how can we decline these playdates without offending anyone?', I assume your actual question is 'how can I decline these playdates without revealing to everyone that I'm a prejudiced snob?' and the answer is: you can't, you'll just have to live with it.

And frankly I think an accusation of other posters being hyper sensitive coming from you is laughably hypocritical, given that apparently you are raising a DD who can't cope with teenagers, dogs, or eating any food you haven't pre-approved.

By making council estate the 'forbidden fruit' and especially the teenage boys from there, you may effectively be making it more alluring to your dd when she becomes a teen.
Lots of teens from the suburbs are drawn to such places as they are off limits and they love to piss their parents off by consorting with the kids from there.

I had a council estate boyfriend. He was lush. Beat my university boyfriend hands down tbh.

As a parent I don't think you should allow your child to go anywhere you feel uncomfortable with.
I'm not saying that I agree with your assessment of this estate but this is your child and if you don't want her to go somewhere you don't need to justify that. You need to be aware your daughter may miss out but if you really think it's better that she not go to certain houses then that's just the way it is.

Hopping no one was arguing against that, what people were annoyed by was the OP's specific mention of 'estates'.

My middle-class late teens stepson was living with us at one point. He was smoking dope heavily, wearing smelly clothes and jeans without a zip on.
My daughter is ten years younger.

I suppose we could have dealt with it by slinging my stepson out, but actually we tried to help him sort himself out. Which over time he did.

My daughter is fine. What she learned is that smoking dope can result in you becoming smelly and scruffy and neglecting your appearance. I imagine that any interest she might have in smoking the stuff herself will have been affected by that.

I think the point is that as other have said, that caring middle-class families also have problems. (My stepson's dealer friend, also in his late teens was absolutely charming, intelligent, articulate.)

You can't wrap your children up in clingfilm and store them in the fridge.

My ds's girlfriends have all come from naice mc backgrounds, despite coming from a council estate

Actually I got the impression OP was looking for support and reassurance. It's natural to have concerns when your child wants to go to a new place, with a family you don't know. Presumably OP knows all the other mums. I suspect it's less about the estates, more the fact this group of mums parent differently. If you're used to play dates being very organised, structured and closely supervised, with mums who ask for a list of your DC's favourite foods and pander to her needs, it must be a shock when mums drop and run, and their kids tell you they always play-out without an adult, or are supervised by a teenage brother. Personally my DSC like play dates where they have freedom and its less hassle for me when kids are independent, but IME at 7 some kids still need a lot of nurturing and support. OP you will probably find in a couple of years DD is more confident and less phased by older kids, strange places etc. Until then maybe best to stick with families she knows well.

Wonder that is very true. Seeing peoples lives blighted by drugs can make young people very anti drugs. It did for my dc's, who have an understanding of the dangers and consequences of drink and drug addiction.

Caspian, if it was only about the fact this group of mums parent differently then the OP didn't need to mention that they lived on an estate, did she?

That's why she's not getting all that much support and reassurance.

I'm also shocked you think its ok to let your teenage son fill the house with his teenage mates on the day my DD is visiting for a playdate. Sorry, I think this is rude and irresponsible!

I think it's extremely rude to ask people to chuck out their teenagers and their friend's because your precious dd is visiting.

Most people on my council estate work albeit poorly paid jobs, if they didn't do these jobs no one else would. About 70% of the houses on my estate are bought and probably paid for my now, the rest have a mix of people in them.

What people like the OP and Rich don't realise is that no one give's a shit if they don't want their precious middle class kids playing on their council estate, honestly no one care's, if you don't want them to come, don't let them come. Remember at senior school they will be mixing with the council estate kid's so better get used to it. My DC do no worse than kids from a private estate.

There is no way of knowing what will happen with your DC's or yourselves in the future, they might end up on the waiting list for a council house, they might meet a violent partner or loose money and end up with no where to go, that's what happen's sometimes.

I live on a council estate, drink too much wine occasionally and smoke an e cig. Oh and I have a big dog. You wouldn't want to send your daughter here, oh no no no, she may never get over it.

and why only teenage boy's op?

The thought of a very organised, structured, closely supervised 'playdate' makes me feel a bit queasy.

Obviously if you have a visiting toddler whose Mum has nipped out for a badly needed solo trip to the shops, you are ultra-vigilant.

And if a child has for example a severe nut allergy you are careful about what they're given to eat.

But if 7 years olds can't spend a couple of hours playing without an adult in constant attendance......?

handsoff great post

I haven't seen the OP answer any actual questions or reasoned arguments put to her on here.

If the Op names the council estate then we will see for ourselves how bad it is, i have never walked round a council estate littered with syringes, dogs in studded collar's, pissed up teenagers on ever street corner and parent's who are incapable of asking a child what they would like to eat

yes good point singing! OP, please name the estate. If you are in London I guarantee I will know which one it is (might even be the one I grew up on, who knows!!)

it's the 'dogs in studded collars' thing I still can't get over...

I don't think op will disclose which estate she is referring to.

Re teenagers, I kind of see where OP is coming from on this one, as DSD had a couple of bad experiences with friends older siblings. Luckily she wasn't really bothered by it. But if it had made her anxious, I'd have asked the mum if future play dates could be arranged on days when house was less full.
OP there's a big difference between 1 or 2 teenagers (who live there and might have a friend over to help with homework) and 10 teenagers who have taken over the living room, or who are partying, smoking weed or getting drunk. The latter scenario I would find inappropriate too- mum should warn you if teenage party is planned for same day. And I wouldn't want DSC around anyone smoking weed. But a couple of teenagers quietly watching TV or chatting is normal. If your DD went to a play date and was upset by a big group of teenagers, fair enough next time ask the mum if you can fix a date when teenagers won't have friends round. I can't imagine any teenagers have friends round every day, so I don't see it being a problem.

I'm guessing it's London, but could be wrong.