To not want DD to have play-dates or attend parties in certain areas due to safety concerns?

[HourOrTwo]

She is 7. Until now she only has playdates with friends whose parents we know well, but now she has a bigger group of friends. Some of these friends live on local council estates. One of these estates has a particularly bad reputation (drug problems, unemployment, high crime rate). When I drove through it recently I noticed kids playing out in street, groups of youths standing around smoking and drinking, big dogs in studded collars roaming around (no muzzles), rubbish everywhere etc. I don't mean to sound judgemental but it's not the sort of place we want DD playing or walking around.

We're happy for DD's friends to come play at ours, and we want her to socialise with children from social different backgrounds... but recently she's been invited on several play-dates on these estates plus a party. So far I've made excuses, as I don't want her playing out unsupervised and TBH don't like her going to houses unless I know the parents and trust them to keep a close eye on her. Even if I chatted to these mums at school gates and they promise to supervise, I don't want her going to houses where anyone is smoking, drinking or teenage siblings are coming in and out with their mates, or any household with a dangerous dog (there are a lot of pitbulls and rottweilers on the estate), but I can't really ask this.

How do we politely decline these play-dates without offending anyone? Is there a way we can have DD's friends at our house without her going to their houses? And what do I tell DD, without mentioning it's because of the area her friends live?

I think you are trying to cover too many bases.
I have a teen, an eleven year old and my daughter is only six.
Male teens (in particular) are very sweet with little ones.
I don't have to do any special monitoring.
I'd give up on this 'playdate' business for a bit.
As you say, the parents won't even talk/have a coffee with you. Your answer is right there.
The housing situation is a complete red herring.

This is getting even funnier. OP, your attitude is ridiculous and will not do your daughter any favours when she's older. Friends won't want to come round because you want 'quiet and respectful teens' and don't believe in 'open door policy'. Talk about sucking the fun out of life.

duplo, as others have said, there could be drug problems anywhere. I live on a nice quiet street of Victorian terraces and I know of at least two neighbours with addiction issues.

But if the OP based her assessment of my road on 'driving through' as she obviously feels is sufficient to come to a conclusion about this estate, she wouldn't have the foggiest about this.

Hour, I don't have teenagers I don't know. I have teenagers that my kids have grown up with, or have been seeing for a decent length of time. We live in a village, and lots of them drive, so quite a few live close enough to call in with little notice.

I would never tell my teens they can't have someone round cos DS is having s play date; that would be crazy.

Sadly we very rarely have a calm quiet environment in our house. Most kids seem to love it: no one ever turns down a play date.

Out of interest what do you think heroin addicts are going to do to your children? I have worked with them and they aren't evil monsters, just doped up. It's irrelevant anyway as I cannot imagine your DCs friends parents let their children wander round freely amongst hypodermic syringes.

Op, one day your daughter will be a teenager.
How do you think she will adjust going to highschool if you have instilled in her that all teenagers are the devil incarnate?
I understand you had a bad experience, but you must try not to project this onto your dad.
As with people of all ages, children included, there are good and bad from every walk of life.
The trick is giving children the opportunity and confidence to deal with situations and to make good choices.

Yes, I'm sorry that you were assaulted as a child; but actually what most teenagers do is go and loaf probably doing unspeakable things in someone's room.

My teenager lives in this house. Her friends are welcome. If I had a seven-year-old they would still be welcome. If my partner started telling me that I wasn't to have my friends round because groups of middle-aged women made him feel scared I'd say the same thing.

I've stopped reading at the lawn furniture Derek
as a forriner, coming from a former communist country sometimes I get looked down on and judged worse than any of you, so you are all losers anyway coz I win that particular event in the Shite Olympics anyway!

Dd, not dad!

Come to that, most of the seven-year-olds I've come across are quite good at disrupting quiet calm environments all on their own...

teenagers around a 7 year old? that's nuffink.
DD is 3 and baby only 9m old.

Roslyndee, what do you class an 'irrational fear'? To me, fear of spiders is irrational as spiders can't harm you in UK (unless you're unlucky enough to find a Brazillian wandering spider in your bananas )
Whereas dogs, drug addicts, drunks, dirty needles in the street etc are a real threat to an unsupervised child. I would not let my DSC play-out on an estate with drug-problems and dogs running free. I suspect most people on here wouldn't, despite calling the OP a snob.

I also think OP has a point about teenagers having mates round during a playdate. I've picked DSD up from play-dates and been a bit to find teenagers lolling on the stairs, smoking weed in yard, taking over front room to watch action movies or playing violent PC games (in front of younger kids). I don't like it when younger ones get pushed aside or bossed around by a crowd of older ones. DSD once came home from a play-date with a full face of make-up that we couldn't get off, I rang the mum who spoke to her teenage DD and friends, turned out they'd used permenant marker under the make-up as 'a joke' Try explaining to your DSD's mum why her eyebrows, lips and eyelids are still stained with marker-pen 3 days later. Luckily DSD wasn't too upset but it was a cruel joke and the mum should have been keeping an eye out. Teenagers and younger kids don't always mix well.

Christ almighyy now there might be needles lying about i have known herion addicts they dont breezily invite kids round for playdates

I never came across hard drugs until I met a group of middle/upper class kids (son of procal Harlem drummer and friends) drugs don't discriminate op, you're a fool if you think keeping her from council estates will protect her from this.

I was getting quite furious at this thread but I'm now just sitting here laughing.

OP, I suggest you send your PFB to private primary school where she won't encounter drug addled layabouts, the unemployed, heroin addicts, any dog besides a nice Labrador or springer spaniel, studded collars, or, worst of all, teenagers.

Then I suggest you purchase a rocket and blast her into space until her teenage years are safely over.

To think there are parents out there who own dogs and allow their teenagers to have friends in the house. Have you called social services yet?

It's clearly Katie Hopkins posting!

I'm one of those parents who has two medium/large dogs and let my two older kids play out with others. There's currently a pile of vomit on the road nearby, probably from a drunk teenager. The woman who used to live in our house eventually died as a result of alcoholism.

We live in a large detached house in a very nice middle class green hilly area.

How do these parents sound? Totally suitable?
Father a well known local GP?
Or
Parents own a nice house on the Thames, father is a painter?
Or
Dad is the local MP?
That would be Harold Shipman, Rolf Harris and Cyril Smith, btw!

OP you're slightly fixated on 'calm, quiet, safe environments'
What exactly do you mean by this? How calm, quiet, safe does it need to be?
Call me a shit parent but I think as long as there isn't lines of cocaine, sharp knives and wild lions hanging around, a normal family home (god forbid one on a council estate) is pretty safe and ordinary. Your dd is 7 and not an idiot, having teenagers and their friends in the house is just part of ordinary family life, she shouldn't be startled and frightened by it.
IME when young children are together they soon forget about whatever spooked them when they first arrive at a friends house, be it a dog, a cat, an older sibling, and quickly relax and get on with playing etc. and also I'd be surprised if the teenagers were in the slightest bit interested in hanging out with some 7 year olds. If you make a big deal about keeping her away from teenagers, she will become more frightened of them.

Oh, and I don't believe fussy eaters should be pandered to, and I am a fussy eater myself.

Seriously chill out, this is PFB if ever I've heard it. You come across paranoid about anything and everything.

I feel sorry for teenagers. I used to think they got a lot of unfair criticism when I was one, but the idea that they shouldn't be in the vicinity of younger children is bizarre and quite horrible.

saskia

I agree with you. DS1 is 13.5 and he is fantastic with younger kids (siblings, cousins & friends).
OP is spewing a lot of bullshit here.
I have anxieties and intrusive thoughts but there's a limit.

Caspian that is awful! My teens know I'd have gone nuclear on them had they behaved in such an irresponsible way towards a child! We regularly had younger nieces and nephews visit and stay with us, they loved playing and fussing over them. They would've been horrified by such antics.

Agree Zing my teens were brilliant with younger ones. A friend of mine regularly asked to borrow my teenage DS to amuse her 2 little ones as they adored him. My son happily obliged and enjoyed their company too!