To not want DD to have play-dates or attend parties in certain areas due to safety concerns?

[HourOrTwo]

She is 7. Until now she only has playdates with friends whose parents we know well, but now she has a bigger group of friends. Some of these friends live on local council estates. One of these estates has a particularly bad reputation (drug problems, unemployment, high crime rate). When I drove through it recently I noticed kids playing out in street, groups of youths standing around smoking and drinking, big dogs in studded collars roaming around (no muzzles), rubbish everywhere etc. I don't mean to sound judgemental but it's not the sort of place we want DD playing or walking around.

We're happy for DD's friends to come play at ours, and we want her to socialise with children from social different backgrounds... but recently she's been invited on several play-dates on these estates plus a party. So far I've made excuses, as I don't want her playing out unsupervised and TBH don't like her going to houses unless I know the parents and trust them to keep a close eye on her. Even if I chatted to these mums at school gates and they promise to supervise, I don't want her going to houses where anyone is smoking, drinking or teenage siblings are coming in and out with their mates, or any household with a dangerous dog (there are a lot of pitbulls and rottweilers on the estate), but I can't really ask this.

How do we politely decline these play-dates without offending anyone? Is there a way we can have DD's friends at our house without her going to their houses? And what do I tell DD, without mentioning it's because of the area her friends live?

I think the OP is perfectly entitled to not want to send her daughter to someone's house if she has reason to believe that she wouldn't be safe there. That is being responsible. But she hasn't actually said that she knows that these parents allow their teenagers to drink in the house, or that they have a scary dog in the house, or that they are smokers. Unless she goes to the trouble of finding these things out, it will continue to sound as if she just 'doesn't like the look of them' so to speak.

The not wanting her near perfectly decent groups of teenagers has me scratching my head though. How many teenagers is too many teenagers anyway? It's pretty common these days for families to consist of step siblings as well, it's perfectly plausible that a couple in their forties, maybe one widowed and one divorced, could have four or five teenagers between them, all living in the house. Would that be too intimidating? Or what if the child had elder siblings who were sextuplets? (That was a joke btw, I'm fully aware that I'm picking a very unlikely scenario there).

mother exactly my attitude!

I did have one mum in my DS class say she didn't like her DC having 'white carbs' (no allergy, just didn't like her having them - and btw her DC was too fussy to eat any wholemeal carbs either) and that her DC wouldn't eat any vegetables except asparagus.

I'm afraid she got told, very politely, that we were having pasta in tomato sauce for tea and as that was what I'd already planned ahead and bought, and I could not afford to make two meals if she wanted her DC to have something different she'd need to bring along something herself that I could heat up.

As an adult you would not demand specific food items when you went to someone's house (at least I would hope you would not!), I see no reason why the same good manners should not be instilled in children. Good grounding for later life.

Do all those who are throwing up their hands in faux liberal horror at the Op let their children got to houses where there is smoking, drug taking? Fould language and general poor parenting?

about to RTFT

'OP did you read my PP? I was raised by a mum who sounds a lot like you. Completely swaddled in cotton wool, never allowed to go anywhere, never allowed to do anything, told all kinds of nonsense about all the 'bad' things that were out there'

Roslyndee, I'm sorry you had a difficult time and that you blame your mum for this. As you pointed out, drug abuse and domestic violence is not limited to one social class. As I've said before, I'm not snobbish about DD having friends from different backgrounds, I encourage her to mix with everyone. Her friends are welcome here and I've tried to befriend their mums. But I also have a duty to keep her safe, and since she is only 7 I don't want to put her in situations where she could be taken advantage of or harmed. This isn't wrapping in cotton wool, it's assessing risks and minimising them.
I agree confidence is important, and I'm sure in time she will learn to be assertive and at ease with people. But I don't believe in over-facing children or putting them at risk to try and build character. I'd rather she develop her social skills in a supportive, caring environment, not one where she is tormented by groups of teenagers or drunks on the street. Traumatic experiences in early years tend to make shy children even more timid and afraid of things.

As an adult you would not demand specific food items when you went to someone's house (at least I would hope you would not! GOOD MANNERs run both ways, usually host will ask about preferences before, mums and myself all say - is spag bol OK, sausages and mash ....

and its also nice to get a warning if the child is fussy. we were told one would only have chicken nuggets. so i made sure i had some in.

Erudite my DC get plenty of foul language in our house actually!

I'm curious, when you say drug taking I assume you mean alcohol consumption also? Yes, I do drink wine.

I don't smoke, but wouldn't object to someone smoking outside my house if they wished to, and wouldn't mind my DC going to a house where that was also the case.

Also, you've completely missed the point - the issue people have with the OP is she's made assumptions about these parents based on where they live, she has got no actual grounds for believing what she does. That's why people have taken offence.

its also nice to get a warning if the child is fussy

....I don't really care if a child is fussy or not. My DS was fussy. He was also not pandered to.

See I would really struggle to find a day when my house did not have a fair few teenagers. Having three of my own then it would not take more than a couple of extras popping round to have a bit of a crowd. They are rarely rowdy though, and certainly not drunk.

And if someone told me they could only send their child to a teenage free zone, then I would have to withdraw my play date invitation. Mainly because I would take it as a complete lack of confidence in my ability to look after their child.

But I don't believe in over-facing children or putting them at risk to try and build character. I'd rather she develop her social skills in a supportive, caring environment, not one where she is tormented by groups of teenagers or drunks on the street. Traumatic experiences in early years tend to make shy children even more timid and afraid of things

Yes of course, its all about balance but facing down a gang with brutal snarling dogs is not part of that balance.

hour and buds what on earth makes you think facing down a gang with brutal snarling dogs is even on the table?! none of that happened to me, I was just making the point that when I got a bit of free rein to make my own mistakes, I became a much more well rounded person.

I think you are going to extremes because you don't want to admit that you might be being a little bit unreasonable.

By drug-taking I was referring to heroin and the dirty needles left behind in the streets. The estate has a big heroin problem.

My 'assumptions' of the estates are based on what I have seen driving through, and local statistics (crime, drugs). I make no assumptions about individual families living there.

Re food, I'm confused. If you have a friend over for dinner, wouldn't you ask what things they like/dislike? Or would you just cook something you like and tell them they have to fit in with you?

Yanbu. I wouldn't let my child play there either. Who cares about being politically correct when it's your child's safety you're messing with. There have been enough news stories about dog attacks to warrant you not wanting your dc to go there.

no, rosl I think throwing a 7 year old into a possibly un safe situation is extreme to say she needs this to be a rounded person.

Tbh I'm wondering why you haven't moved if your dc are at school so close to a heroin blighted estate?!

The thing op, if there are, needles left around one would assume the parents have warned their own dc about this, and avoid them, your dc has no idea about this or any other warning needed .

v true hipp.

hour yes naturally when I have friends over I say is there anything you don't eat, but generally speaking they say 'oh no, I eat anything' or it's just that they're vegetarian, or don't eat non-halal etc. I would never dream an adult giving you a long list of things they don't/won't eat, I would think that to be incredibly rude. When I go to someone's house for dinner, because I am not allergic to anything, I just eat what I'm given. I hate mushrooms, for eg, but have eaten a mushroom before because that was what was being served.

My point is that most adults know what they like and dislike through trial and error. Many kids are fussy simply on the basis they don't like what a food looks like or think they don't like it even though they haven't tried it. My DS for example was completely adamant he wouldn't eat pasta with any 'green bits' in them (eg, herbs) but I refused to make it without them. Once he got the message he wasn't going to get anything else, and got bored of sitting there picking all the 'green bits' off, he ate it and loved it. I don't mind kids saying they don't like something they've tried but I do think it's ridiculous parents pandering to children when they haven't actually tried something. And I would think you incredibly rude and a bit of a pushover if you demanded your DC should only be fed chicken nuggets!!

buds are your kids allowed out of the house or do you ferry them around in a steel-enforced tank?

Just wondering.

I would be uncomfortable with my kids on a rough estate like that because, simply, they are not streetwise city kids but farm kids.

Drinking and drugs are prevelant almost everywhere these days. I grew up in a small village and I'd say 95% of the 'nice middle class' kids were out on the village green getting smashed every night...
Cambridge is a good example. Lovely, affluent, leafy university town.. With sharps bins in every public toilet and heroin addicts overdosing by the river.

I would judge each case on its own merit. If the parents seem capable and 'with it' then fine. If they don't? Then don't let dd round there.

Wait until your DD is a teenager.

'See I would really struggle to find a day when my house did not have a fair few teenagers. Having three of my own then it would not take more than a couple of extras popping round to have a bit of a crowd'

I wasn't asking for a 'teenage-free zone'. I'm sure you know your own teenagers well enough to trust them to be kind to younger kids. But having their friends there the same day? Can they really not manage one day without their mates coming round??

My friend's 2 teenagers have friends over, but it's usually planned in advance, and I've never known them to have friends round the same day DD plays there. I've no problem with quiet, respectful teenagers who don't torment little kids, but if you have an open-door policy how can you monitor who is coming in and out?

I think it's a bit disrespectful to have a houseful of teenagers you don't know when your 7-year-old DD has a playdate. Even if the teenagers ignore the little ones, it's intimidating for a lot of kids. Not everyone grows up in a house with much older siblings or crowds of people coming in and out.
What's wrong with having a quiet, calm environment at times?

Okay all you who say this is pfbism... You honestly wouldn't think twice about you seven year old going to an estate with a heroin problem? Even if there were needles strewn about?

My first job was assisting in a nursery in a very nice area bordering an area like this, we couldn't take the children to the park because of the needle issue so not everywhere within radius of a place like this will be similar, so moving is extreme. Though we did move last year from an estate where there were an increasing number of drug raids and weapon dogs. I am so glad to be out of there!!!

Oh x post. Now you're just being silly Hour. Your child is not th centre of the universe.