Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD to have play-dates or attend parties in certain areas due to safety concerns?

640 replies

HourOrTwo · 26/04/2015 16:15

She is 7. Until now she only has playdates with friends whose parents we know well, but now she has a bigger group of friends. Some of these friends live on local council estates. One of these estates has a particularly bad reputation (drug problems, unemployment, high crime rate). When I drove through it recently I noticed kids playing out in street, groups of youths standing around smoking and drinking, big dogs in studded collars roaming around (no muzzles), rubbish everywhere etc. I don't mean to sound judgemental but it's not the sort of place we want DD playing or walking around.

We're happy for DD's friends to come play at ours, and we want her to socialise with children from social different backgrounds... but recently she's been invited on several play-dates on these estates plus a party. So far I've made excuses, as I don't want her playing out unsupervised and TBH don't like her going to houses unless I know the parents and trust them to keep a close eye on her. Even if I chatted to these mums at school gates and they promise to supervise, I don't want her going to houses where anyone is smoking, drinking or teenage siblings are coming in and out with their mates, or any household with a dangerous dog (there are a lot of pitbulls and rottweilers on the estate), but I can't really ask this.

How do we politely decline these play-dates without offending anyone? Is there a way we can have DD's friends at our house without her going to their houses? And what do I tell DD, without mentioning it's because of the area her friends live?

OP posts:
SingingHinnies · 27/04/2015 15:53

Unbelievable even

parsnipbob · 27/04/2015 15:54

Magenta I'm not saying they're all wrong, I'm just saying believing all staffies are bad because of a story in the paper is like believing all Muslims are terrorists.

Obviously all dogs can bite, but I do think it's actually very beneficial for children to be around animals. And often find those who are fearful haven't been around them. That was all I was saying. Agree to disagree :)

roslyndee · 27/04/2015 15:56

I don't think stopping your DC playing-out amongst drunk people results in them becoming socially awkward or a wet blanket.

No, but preventing them from being around teenagers certainly will.

SingingHinnies · 27/04/2015 15:56

Some kids are naturally more timid than others, and need to build up their confidence in a safe supportive environment. Lots of DD's friends are nervous and shy the first time they visit. IMO it's my duty as a good host to help them relax, feel safe and welcome. That means choosing a day when my house is not full of rowdy adults or teenagers, and making sure they have a meal they enjoy. It's not about the child dictating anything, it's about the mum planning ahead to help child feel at ease in new environment.

so because you see drunk people in the street you think your dd's friend's families are like this because they live on the same council estate?

SingingHinnies · 27/04/2015 15:57

and they can't make a meal Confused

roslyndee · 27/04/2015 15:59

and agree with parsnip re: dogs. makes me really sad to think there are parents who keep their DC away from animals. was such a lovely thing for ours, especially my DS who has SEN. We have a staffordshire bull/mastiff/lab cross who has been his saving grace! Would be horrified to think anyone would think he was dangerous.

Mrsjayy · 27/04/2015 15:59

I just dont get the teenagers thing at all I mean what is that all about all they are is older children.

roslyndee · 27/04/2015 16:01

OP. Please explain something to me. Do you genuinely not want your DC around teenagers, because if so can you explain to me what you are going to do when she goes to secondary school at the age of 11? Educate her inside a plastic box?

TheatreClog · 27/04/2015 16:04

I wouldn't want my child playing on the street or near large or even any dogs either. If inside and with appropriate supervision I'd have no problem with location, but no, I think your child's safety should come top sorry so YABonlyslightlyU in my book. Safety first, pleasantries second.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 27/04/2015 16:05

To be fair, I was a very coddled kid. I was quite scared of teenagers, to the extent that I was very anxious about going to high school.

But surely, if you have a kid like that, the answer is to let them meet some nice tame ones, in the company of a friend who is not the least bit phased. Rather than feed their fears by insisting that no teenagers are allowed anywhere near them.

MagentaOeuflon · 27/04/2015 16:06

Well my kids have been around dogs, and they are now scared of them, because of the way dogs have chased them, jumped up and knocked them over, barked at them and terrified them. While their owners ignored it or bleated "Oh he won't hurt" and did nothing. Yes, only a small minority, and I still do welcome nice, kind dog owners helping my DC to approach their nice, well-behaved dogs and learn to be OK around them again. But it's no use saying "kids should be around dogs, it's good for them" when there are people who can't or won't control their dog. Letting a dog wander around on the street is not controlling your dog, and it's also against the law. Yes I'll introduce my kids to dogs - good dogs with law-abiding owners.

Mrsjayy · 27/04/2015 16:10

Op you just sound scared of everything that is outside your bubble I am not sure what you think will happen if your dd goes to a party.

TheatreClog · 27/04/2015 16:12

I'd have no qualms about offending a dog owner or other parent by prioritising my child's safety. It's up to them really to assess the safety for their own children but it's your responsibility to ensure the safety of your own child. In hospital I see many accidents involving children and yes, dogs (and old people and dogs).
It's horrible and frankly, if I am over cautious as a result I'd rather be over cautious and have a slightly jumpy child than for an accident to occur. Teenagers aren't really the issue, and nor is it a question of snobbery - the issue is is the child safe, is there appropriate supervision? It sounds like in OP's case she is not convinced.

parsnipbob · 27/04/2015 16:12

Let's not debate dogs anyway, the more serious issue here is the OP's blatant snobbery.

Original poster
HourOrTwo · 27/04/2015 16:13

'Just out of interest OP when do you plan to introduce DD to teenagers?'

I was referring to big groups of teenagers, not a couple of teenage siblings. If you invite a 7-year-old on a play-date, I don't think it's appropriate for your teenagers to have all their mates round on the same day. Lots of young children are intimidated by big groups of teenagers. While your own teenagers may be kind and trustworthy, you can't assume all their friends are the same. Some teenagers are really mean and cruel to younger kids. When I was a kid, one of my friend's brothers (he was about 14) used to have his mates round a lot. They'd show off to each other trying to scare us, and tormented us mercilessly. The parents never intervened. Once when I was about 9, one of them followed me into the shed, shut the door and tried to kiss me, only letting go when I bit him. They also offered us cigarettes and alcohol. So no, I would not trust a bunch of teenagers to be nice to a 7-year-old girl and I wouldn't want her in a house full of teenagers.

How difficult is it to tell teenagers to bring their friends round on a different day?

OP posts:
TheatreClog · 27/04/2015 16:13

Yabu re. parties. surely you can stay if concerned? A party sounds organised in some way. Yanbu re not wanting her out playing on the street unsupervised if not happy about it.

Littlemonstersrule · 27/04/2015 16:14

The teens thing is a bit OTT unless you know for certain they are causing trouble.

Under 9/10 I'd not let mine go on a play date where parents had a dog or let them play outside unsupervised and imagine a lot wouldnt. I don't dislike dogs but unless I knew the person very very well I wouldnt know the temperament or supervision levels.

If you know for certain the parents drink during the day or are smokers them it doesn't matter where they live its a judgment call as to your limits.

TheatreClog · 27/04/2015 16:16

YABU re. snobbery about where they live - absolutely unreasonable and unpleasant on that front

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 27/04/2015 16:17

magneta yes.

Dogs with big jaws are more likely to cause serious or fatal injury when they do. Fact. As any dog breed can get aggravated and bite, I don't see why staffies especially should be exempt from that.
They are like loaded guns and who knows if the safety catch is on ie, well trained and under control. Do we need to list the family pets in recent news that have attacked visiting grandchildren, children and neighbours?

Op you will never win on here or get any sense.

As I said where I like is a mix but you would struggle to get rougher than the rougher element. I am used to it, but I understand why others may find it shocking.

OVienna · 27/04/2015 16:19

Haven't read the whole thread but as I'm sure others have pointed out: poor parenting- including drug use,smoking, drinking, and tricky older siblings -happens across all social classes. neglect does not discriminate!!

roslyndee · 27/04/2015 16:21

OP did you read my PP? I was raised by a mum who sounds a lot like you. Completely swaddled in cotton wool, never allowed to go anywhere, never allowed to do anything, told all kinds of nonsense about all the 'bad' things that were out there (mostly imaginary on her part).

Do you know what the result was? I grew up insecure, completely unsure of myself, totally unable to assert myself or stand up for myself, scared of pretty much everything. Also unable to do anything for myself.

The thing that saved me was switching schools when I was sixteen.

I know my mum probably meant well but I wish she had pushed me into asserting myself a bit more when I was younger rather than doing everything for me and speaking on my behalf. I was a shy, shy child and I could have done with having a bit of encouragement as in 'come on, off you go, you will be fine' rather than pandering to it. I can tell you it would have made my early teenage years a whole lot easier.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 27/04/2015 16:24

Ah, I thought you were probably projecting the teenager thing from your own bad experiences. That must have been horrible for you hour.

But most teenagers do not bully little kids, they really don't. And most parents would intervene at the slightest hint of anything like that happening.

You are in danger of letting your own bad experience adversely affect your child hour.

TwinkieTwinkle · 27/04/2015 16:28

Ell this thread has given me a good giggle. OP, my big sister used to occasionally look after me if our parents were working late. She used to bring.... teenagers into the house! And sometimes I had my friends round! We also played outside unsupervised. I also grew up in an affluent area. I bet that completely fucks with your head.

motherinferior · 27/04/2015 16:30

IMO it's my duty as a good host to help them relax, feel safe and welcome. That means choosing a day when my house is not full of rowdy adults or teenagers, and making sure they have a meal they enjoy. It's not about the child dictating anything, it's about the mum planning ahead to help child feel at ease in new environment.

I'm afraid my attitude to playdates - and I was v keen on playdates, mind - was "off you go, kids". And having done a v cursory check on anything they really wouldn't eat, the ones who picked at stuff and said loudly "I don't like this" got a passive-aggressive "sorry, darling, that's your tea".

roslyndee · 27/04/2015 16:31

tinkly I agree with you. It's really a shame when parents inflict their own often irrational fears onto their DC.

For instance, I know it's not the same but I have a major, MAJOR fear of spiders. Like, I can hardly look at them without shaking. It's completely irrational and ridiculous but it stems from a bad experience with one when I was a kid.

I was absolutely determined I wouldn't pass that fear onto my DC, so much so that they didn't even know I was scared of spiders until they were older. I just used to calmly drop a cup over any spider that got in and say 'oh, Daddy will deal with that.' Obviously was freaking out inside.