To not want DD to have play-dates or attend parties in certain areas due to safety concerns?

[HourOrTwo]

She is 7. Until now she only has playdates with friends whose parents we know well, but now she has a bigger group of friends. Some of these friends live on local council estates. One of these estates has a particularly bad reputation (drug problems, unemployment, high crime rate). When I drove through it recently I noticed kids playing out in street, groups of youths standing around smoking and drinking, big dogs in studded collars roaming around (no muzzles), rubbish everywhere etc. I don't mean to sound judgemental but it's not the sort of place we want DD playing or walking around.

We're happy for DD's friends to come play at ours, and we want her to socialise with children from social different backgrounds... but recently she's been invited on several play-dates on these estates plus a party. So far I've made excuses, as I don't want her playing out unsupervised and TBH don't like her going to houses unless I know the parents and trust them to keep a close eye on her. Even if I chatted to these mums at school gates and they promise to supervise, I don't want her going to houses where anyone is smoking, drinking or teenage siblings are coming in and out with their mates, or any household with a dangerous dog (there are a lot of pitbulls and rottweilers on the estate), but I can't really ask this.

How do we politely decline these play-dates without offending anyone? Is there a way we can have DD's friends at our house without her going to their houses? And what do I tell DD, without mentioning it's because of the area her friends live?

Ah, so we're back to talking about "intoxicated people". But only intoxicated people from council estates, I presume. What about people who own naice houses in leafy villages and drink expensive wine? Are they alright?

Honestly, I think the reason you got no instructions was because these mums are not as PFB as your other friends. If my child was timid around teenagers, I wouldn't encourage and feed this neurosis. I would think it a good thing if she got to spend more time around them.

As to what they're allowed to do, hmm. I think going on a playdate is a case of 'when in Rome' and if that means you get to break a rule from home then who really cares? I wasn't allowed chewing gum at home and used to love having it at other people's houses. Nobody died.

can you get to to know the mums better first? then you can ascertain/assess if any of the things you are worried about will happen?

I get it, there are things you mention that I would NOT like to have my DC experience either

people are fast to sneer. But like it or not..... there are huge level's of neglect going on- and your DD is still very young

there are some kids in DS class and I can guarantee if he went there the dad would smoke weed /deal in the living room and they would play very violent video games. aint no way he is going there for a playdate and if that makes me a snob- I aint bothered!

Hour none of the teenagers who come to my house are ever mean or tease the little kids, never. Why on earth would they? They are just normal teens, probably with little family members themselves. My older kids would give them short shrift if they even thought about it.

Mostly it's more a case of little DS driving them crazy asking if he can join in their FIFA or squirting them with water pistols when they are trying to sunbathe in the garden.

Yes I have seen little ones look all big eyes when they see the older kids, ten minutes later they are begging to be dangled by their ankles like DS or pleading with one of them to be shown a skateboard trick. And they always come back, so they can't be very scared.

Well said CookPass. Seriously OP, do you really think allowing a fussy child to dictate what someone else cooks in their own home is ok? It isn't. It's very rude. It would get my back up certainly. And I would absolutely resent the insinuation that my teenage DC would scare your DD!!

The dogs would do it for me I'm afraid. I can't stand it when people have dangerous dogs as a way to be macho and if they were loose on the street my child would not be going there.

But duplodon I feel terrible reading your post as I have pulled my DD along to get to school on time for pickup, when she was in full-blown threenager mode. I didn't know what else to do when I had to get to school for the bell and she was mid-massive strop, and kicking and flailing so much that I couldn't carry her. And she would often conveniently have these strops at school pickup time – probably because it meant me prioritising her big brother. I would get shitty looks in the playground, but I was a bit stuck really.

f you brought her to mine and told me she doesn't like broccoli, x, y and z I would think you were overbearing, fussy and a little bit rude tbh.

Oh yes of course as every DC adore broccoli don't they yes that would be rude.

op no one is forcing you to do anything, your dd has play dates just let her go where you feel comfortable.

PS I loved all my older brother's teenage friends when I was little. They were all really nice to me.

Get a grip OP. You are very much in danger here of having a socially awkward, wet blanket of a DD if you're not careful.

Yup. And be careful how much you shelter her. When I went to university, the people who had been mollycoddled and shelter went a bit loopy spending their student loans on booze. Those of us who'd been there, done that, were calmer.

Magenta please RTFD for explanation on why that 'dangerous dogs' stuff is a load of shite.

Agree with you on other comment.

they would play very violent video games

yes this is a worry isn't it.

some of those games are horrific, and upset me an adult. I know my neighbours dc were allowed at 8 to play dads games, and I know they acted some of them out too. Not what I would want my DC to see or witness at 8.

I think the most hilarious thing you've said - and it's been a laugh a minute, thanks OP, I'm having a bit of a boring day - is that you don't want your child in the same house as teenagers. How in hell's name are you going to police that one?

And - gasp shock horror - teenagers make very good babysitters, actually. My own PFB has started a profitable little sideline in taking younger kids to the park during the holidays, and has been much acclaimed for it. Contrary to popular opinion many of them are quite delightful. Even in groups. They are frequently large, and noisy, and take up space, but that's not actually a crime, you know.

Peppermint totally agree - at uni you could so tell which kids had been mollycoddled.

Op your daughter is going to be a teenager 7 years just saying

OP said dogs are roaming around, that in itself is illegal (dogs should be on a lead in pedestrian areas). Do dogs bite and harm, sometimes kill people? - yes. If dogs aren't properly controlled by their owners, that's more likely.

I'm not opposed to a particular breed per se (though staffies do feature in news stories about dogs biting and killing so I'm not convinced by the staffies are big softies stuff that gets trotted out - any dog can turn/attack, dogs with big powerful jaws like staffies are more likely to cause serious harm when they do) – I'm opposed to dogs that aren't well controlled.

Charis1

you speak sense. people are so funny on here - and consciously right-on

I think the OP might be a bit silly, but the names she has been called dont merit it

she will learn and make her own judgements in time and probably never post on here again

and lets face facts - if your precious DC made friends with the son of the local dealer replete with pitbull, piercings, studded collar, and 20 reefer toting youth hanging in his front garden would you let your kid go play there? of course you fucking would not!!!

Magenta dog attacks that get reported in the news as being done by staffies are actually not staffies - they are unusually illegal pit crosses. They get misrepresented as staffies as dodgy breeders label them like that to avoid prosecution.

I wouldn't base your judgment of an entire breed off what you read in the papers. Do you actually know any staffies?

Fromparis I'd rather my DC played there than with the OP's DD.

Definitely, peppermint
My friends at college whose parents were very strict about drinking alcohol and parties etc went fucking apeshit the second they got to uni and were the ones passing out in clubs, vomiting in taxis and putting themselves in vulnerable positions.
My family are very laid back about drinking so it was never a huge deal for me - I'd go out with friends at uni but never got myself so wasted that I wasn't in control of myself or forgetting what I'd done the night before. It was all rather boring and old news to me.

OP (and others displaying a similarly PFB attitude), why don't you read this:

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2008/aug/11/children.foodanddrink

I'd better go and blind my DC , lest they encounter any teenagers or dogs with studded collars in the street. Wouldn't want their little lives sullied by such terrible sights.

Actually DS and his pals were well lording it the other day, when one of my older son's mates was doing some teaching practice at their school. Poor lad, how annoying to have your mate's pesky like little brother and his pals being all over familiar, when you're trying to be authoritative.

That's right parsnip, all new stories are wrong because you want to believe a staffie would never hurt a fly.

Any dog that isn't kept under good control can bite or attack. Dogs with big jaws are more likely to cause serious or fatal injury when they do. Fact. As any dog breed can get aggravated and bite, I don't see why staffies especially should be exempt from that.

I am scared of any dog with big jaws and powerful neck muscles that's allowed to wander around unsupervised, and wouldn't let my child play somewhere where that happened. No need to take offence, just reassure yourself I'm an idiot and we'll both be happy.

BTW I was brought up by an absolute snob of a mother, we lived in North London near some estates with dodgy reputations. I mostly went to private school (was hideous) but went to state comp halfway through my GCSEs due to our financial circumstances changing. I made friends there from some of these estates and she was absolutely awful about them, was utterly convinced I would end up 'doing drugs', or even worse having an 'estate kid' as a boyfriend.

The hilarious things were that:

1. my nice, MC, private-school friends were doing drugs by the bucketload (they could afford the good ones)
2. my nice, MC, private-school boyfriend was a total shithead who once hit me. my 'estate kid' boyfriend is now my H. Mum still hasn't really accepted him.

I was completely wrapped in cotton wool by my parents and it was horrendous tbh, when I went to uni I didn't have a clue how to do anything for myself.

'Ah, so we're back to talking about "intoxicated people". But only intoxicated people from council estates, I presume. What about people who own naice houses in leafy villages and drink expensive wine? Are they alright?'

As I said earlier, one of the mums in our circle has a drink problem. She lives in a big house and has a big income, her DD has a pony, they go on fancy holidays etc. I don't let DD go on playdates there, because I don't want someone looking after my child when intoxicated. However, these council estates are the only places I have seen people drinking in the street, staggering along drunk in daytime, or sitting on kerbs surrounded by cans. Yes this does make me nervous! I don't think stopping your DC playing-out amongst drunk people results in them becoming socially awkward or a wet blanket.

Some kids are naturally more timid than others, and need to build up their confidence in a safe supportive environment. Lots of DD's friends are nervous and shy the first time they visit. IMO it's my duty as a good host to help them relax, feel safe and welcome. That means choosing a day when my house is not full of rowdy adults or teenagers, and making sure they have a meal they enjoy. It's not about the child dictating anything, it's about the mum planning ahead to help child feel at ease in new environment.
It's also about respecting parents' wishes. If a parent doesn't want their kid doing certain things, like chewing gum or eating sweets, it's not my place to challenge this.

Really these mums gave no instructions because they trust you to look after their children do folk really give out a list of their kids dos and dont when they come round to play allergies excluded i would thought they just went with the flow

I live on a council estate with loads of kids, dogs, teenagers, a mixture of families, some work some don't. DDs friends live on the big luxury estate up the road but all come here to play as it's boring where they live.

My kids play in the street especially my 5 yr old, what's wrong with that? There are plenty other kids and parent's are in and out checking on the kids and plenty of kids playing out, she knows not to go far, next street along where her friend lives, they flit between streets.

You sound like a snob and your dd will end up gradually not being invited to anything.. Do you seriously think the mother's of your kids friends won't make sure she is ok because they live on an estate with a bad rep?

I don't want her going to houses where anyone is smoking, drinking or teenage siblings are coming in and out with their mates
Unbelieveable ^

I wouldn't worry Op, it won't be long before the friends mothers suss you out and stop inviting DD