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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want strange men sleeping next to me post operative?

568 replies

bracingair · 26/04/2015 12:35

I am due to have a c-section in UCLH and I was chatting to one of the midwives. She said post natal you are in a 4 bedded bay. Partners can sleep over, and they don't like the curtains closed so they can keep an eye on u. This is not my first so very likely DH will not stay overnight.

I think it is wonderful that women can have their partners over if they want, but I do not want someone else's partner right by me! I know resources are stretched but I think it is putting me in a position I am very uncomfortable with. AIBU and if not, what can I do about this?

OP posts:
DisappointedOne · 26/04/2015 15:41

I had a spinal block, catheter and pads to hold the lochia away from my episotomy with DD. Wasn't allowed to get out of bed for 12 hours after having her, no matter how minging I felt.

I was surprised that they sent a male midwife to de-catheterise and remove the pads to be honest. While in theory I support midwives regardless of gender, the expectation that I'd be fine with a bloke poking about down there surprised me. But then most gynaecologists are men and we don't bat an eyelid at that.

Feckeggblue · 26/04/2015 15:41

I've just had a baby. Very conflicted here as I agree having strange men on the ward isn't ideal. However the care was so poor I desperately needed my DH to help me. It shouldn't be like that Sad post natal wards suck ime

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 26/04/2015 15:44

As to your point 3 Higgle, the article says facilities have been organised to allow partners to stay - which implies side rooms, doesn't it?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/04/2015 15:46

"4. I'm sickened by the anti male views expressed on MN all the time, no poor man seems to escabpe the labelling of being an abuser."

What rubbish! NO one has said that, what people have said is that IF a man is an abuser then the woman would not even have that temporary respite from him on the postnatal ward!

Talk about over-reacting!

FanFuckingTastic · 26/04/2015 15:47

Well, as toilets go, I disagree. When I had a massive clot it fell on the floor and I had to use the emergency cord as I felt faint. I've also be in with bowel blockages and been unable to do anything about leaving mess behind. Sometimes a health professional needs to see what's going on down there.

Non-patients shouldn't be using toilets for patients and don't have any grounds to complain about the state of them after a patient whose "mess" might well be pertinent information for HCP and who might not be in any condition to "clean up after themselves".

FanFuckingTastic · 26/04/2015 15:49

And part of the reason having to even worry about that is a good argument for why patients may well be very uncomfortable having to constantly share space with non-patients. Particularly with a gender different added into that mix.

Sallystyle · 26/04/2015 15:50

I am not worried about men 'behaving badly'

I would not want to sit there with my breasts out in front of them when I am trying to bf.

I would not want them to see me walking to the toilet with milk leaking from my breasts and blood leaking. I wouldn't particularly like other women seeing that but at least we are all in the same position and they have to be there.

I am sure most men would be perfectly lovely, I still wouldn't want to feel like I have to cover up.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 26/04/2015 15:51

OH MY GOD what a selfish woman bleeding heavily in the bathroom on a ward and then going to get a nurse to tell them.

Mind-boggling.

FWIW HCPs invariably want to have a look. They would be interested in whether it was dark blood, light blood, had clots, if so how big, just how much there was and so on.

Oh just found the post you are referring to:

" I had to labour in a six bedded room with strange men telling me to shut the fuck up and coming behind my curtains. One of them told me I was disgusting for leaving the 'patient' toilet dirty (I'd passed a lot of blood and thought the mw should see - I may have been wrong but he was an arse)"

To tell a woman who is bleeding heavily that she is doing anything "wrong" is just, what? And no comment for the man who told her she was "disgusting".

Right.

elizadolittlechoc · 26/04/2015 15:52

It's nearly 18 years since I had my last child, but I am finding these posts terribly upsetting. How dreadful a trauma you women have been through. When I was in hospital post three emergency caesareans, dads were never banned, but few chose to stay overnight-common sense says that they are busy preparing home ,caring for other children in that short time. What happened to the ideas that toilets etc on the ward are for patients only for hygiene?The idea that some big burly man has just dumped in the toilet where I needed, very wobbily, to change dressings is appalling. To be subject to complaints or stares from men in this situation is vile and totally unacceptable to human dignity, not least to the majority of decent fathers out there.

CaptainHolt · 26/04/2015 15:54

5. People should leave toilets clean if they possibly can, I don't think that leaving a public toilet full of blood for a nurse to see is i anyway justifiable.

Fuck off. It was my first baby and I shouldn't have had to go in search of a mw. There should have been one with me somewhere in earshot. I've had 4 dcs now but I'm fairly sure that if I lost copious amounts of blood during labour again I'd still want to have someone look at it.

Also ITS NOT A PUBLIC TOILET ITS A FUCKING PATIENTS TOILET

bloodyteenagers · 26/04/2015 15:55

it's not about being anti man.
It's About our right to feel comfortable when we are at one of our most vulnerable moments of our lifes.
We have the right to say no to having VE's during labour.
We have the right to say no to male midwifes because of whatever reasons
Yet we now have to shut up and accept that overnight, when we feel the worse, when we are sobbing, when we are exhausted, when we have survived the endless streams of visitors. The time when it should be just us and our babies, we now have to deal with partners...
No. You want that extra help.
You cannot spend a moment apart you pay. You pay for it. It should not be imposed on the rest of us.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 26/04/2015 15:55

You are right Captain and I'm sorry that you had such a shit time. That man was totally and utterly bang out of order.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 26/04/2015 15:56

"We have the right to say no to having VE's during labour."

Thread the other day was calling this into question, seems in many places is it a right on paper only.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 26/04/2015 15:56

As in, it's pretty shit a lot of the time already with women at the end of the queue when it comes to baby related things. So this is just another.

fatlazymummy · 26/04/2015 15:57

higgle nurses are used to looking at blood you know. It's part of their job. And yes, a midwife would want to see any clots, retained placenta, etc.

DisappointedOne · 26/04/2015 15:58

What's VEs?

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 26/04/2015 16:00

vaginal examinations - internals. Smile

bloodyteenagers · 26/04/2015 16:00

If I refuse consent though what they gonna do, pin me down and do it anyway? No. (Hyperthetical not pregnant)

As for the point 5, toilets. Last birth I had unusual bleeding and clotting. I had to leave it. I had to leave everything regardless of where it came out so it could be examined... So yes, it is acceptable. It's a patient toilet. Visitors don't like what might be there, here's a suggestion don't use the patients areas.

Ledkr · 26/04/2015 16:00

To those professing to it being absoluteky essential that their partners are with them, this is your ideal and that is fine.
However, there are many other situations where the ideal isnt possible.
My adult DS recently had a kidney transplant in a hospital an hour away from our home.
I'm sure he'd have loved me there as it was such huge surgery but we realised this was not an option.
When I've had my numerous cabcer ops Id have benefitted hugely from the company rather than sit there terrified, but It couldn't happen.

My point is that there are a plethora of situations where it would be very nice for family to be accomodated overnight to stay with a friend or relative BUT THEY CANT and that's that. People have to accept it.

Higgle · 26/04/2015 16:01

We all need to be wary and vigilant about health "care" esp. NHS. Having a relation there to help and support you is very important. The care service I work for regularly send care assistants in to the local hospital ( yes, the one I've mentioned before) to have extended visits and ensure the residents and service users get fed and don't come out worse than they went in. Those with Dementia are hopefully going to get the same rights that children have to enable a relation to stay with them at all times. If you are old when you are admitted to hospital the people in the adjacent bes may be disruptive through dementia, they may die a few feet away from you. That is the area where work needs to be done.
The way things are at the moment I wouldn't want to be in hospital for any reason without a relation there to act as witness. When I did stay in hospital with DH ( the NHS hospitakl) I had to complain about quite few of the staff not washing their hands before tending to him. Surely toilets full of blood are a great way to spread infection?

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 26/04/2015 16:03

bloody- no. But they can refuse pain relief. Or emotionally blackmail you. Or say you will be sent home and not admitted. ...

fatlazymummy · 26/04/2015 16:05

higgle people have already explained the toilet thing. Yes, they will be cleaned, but not by the patients.
And infections are often spread by visitors - not patients or staff.

CaptainHolt · 26/04/2015 16:05

Surely toilets full of blood are a great way to spread infection?

So don't fucking use them then. Honestly, don't, but don't expect me to comprise my health or my baby's health because you are so pathetic that you can't be in hospital without your DH.

I actually can't believe you are serious. Nobody could be that big an arse.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 26/04/2015 16:06

Having loads of people tramping in and out of the wards is a great way to spread infection.

FanFuckingTastic · 26/04/2015 16:09

Infection risk should be dealt with by the appropriate people then, not an ill patient who is at risk themselves of infection. Cleaning a toilet because you couldn't avoid making a mess is not something many people in hospital are capable of, or should indeed even have to do at that point. Non-patients also have no right to complain as they shouldn't even be using said toilets.

A basketball sized blood clot was a reason for concern for me, I wanted someone to see it and not think I was exaggerating the size, and to know I was okay. I was also disabled and limited mobility meant there was no way I was getting down on the floor to clean it. Even without that, many post-birth women won't be in any condition to do so, I felt faint and dizzy after passing it, I am pretty sure being a fall risk and calling a HCP to come deal with the mess is absolutely fine.

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