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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want strange men sleeping next to me post operative?

568 replies

bracingair · 26/04/2015 12:35

I am due to have a c-section in UCLH and I was chatting to one of the midwives. She said post natal you are in a 4 bedded bay. Partners can sleep over, and they don't like the curtains closed so they can keep an eye on u. This is not my first so very likely DH will not stay overnight.

I think it is wonderful that women can have their partners over if they want, but I do not want someone else's partner right by me! I know resources are stretched but I think it is putting me in a position I am very uncomfortable with. AIBU and if not, what can I do about this?

OP posts:
meandjulio · 26/04/2015 15:10

TBH what has to happen simultaneously is a campaign for decent staffing. It might help if they paid some attention to the Family and Friends data they spend so long collating. I don't work in maternity, and in every ward I work in, the F&F recommendation rate (would you recommend that a friend or family member be treated in this ward) is 98% to 100%. I occasionally work in a ward which is at 95%. On another thread I had a look at some of the maternity data and most postnatal wards are down at 65% at best, there was one that was down at 22%!! If wards have become used to plugging some of the yawning gaps in support with visitors and partners, further problems will come up. Of course what's happened in recent years is that community services have been drained of staff to fill in hospital wards - making home births less supported. What a mess.

attheendoftheday · 26/04/2015 15:11

Janine - no, I'm not particularly keen on single sex ward. I've nursed on single and mixed wards in my time. I am keen on wards where everyone has their own space, though.

SirChenjin - in that it made me the go to parent and the main caregiver without that being what either of us wanted.

Erudite - while I used my own experience the point I was trying to make is not selfish. I'm trying to say that the policy of not having dads stay supports a patriarchal model of society where mothers are the main parent. I want to change that. So I don't think this issue is just about the feelings of the individual, I think it also has an impact on society more broadly and that needs to be considered.

soapydopeybubbles · 26/04/2015 15:11

Erudite Of course it matters but when I tentatively put my request forward, expecting that I'd be told I needed to pay for a side room or similar and more than happy to do so I was told that having partners to stay was fine.

funnyossity · 26/04/2015 15:11

I too would have been very anxious at this occurring on the ward.

FanFuckingTastic · 26/04/2015 15:12

I agree with women being supported by their partners also, my family dynamic was affected by the lack of support after my first baby was born under difficult circumstances. Having no one around to allow me to rest afterwards directly impacted my health and wellbeing. I ended up rushed back into hospital as an emergency after discharging so that I could get that support, and then psychotic with PND months later. Of course a terrible experience post-labour can affect family dynamics afterwards. I don't think it's entirely selfish to not want that, only to expect not to have that by having a male partner present in a ward of other mothers who may or may not want them present.

I don't agree with mixed wards, or wards very much at all, when a person is post-birth at least. I wanted privacy but also support, and not getting either made it all a difficult experience. My second birth experience proved to me there is such a difference if you get that support (if not the privacy I desired).

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 26/04/2015 15:13

FWIW I don't think that same-sex parters should be allowed to stay 24/7 either.

BUT to deny that there is any difference between men and women in mixed settings.... Have you never noticed male / female toilets, male / female changing rooms and so on? In our culture there are things that men and women generally only discuss with the same sex, and so on. Whether people agree with it or not, the fact is that in our culture there are some things that we are raised to keep "private" from the opposite sex, and a lot of the things that go on in post-natal wards are included. + we have people from other cultures which have even more rigid rules around male/female with this stuff.

funnyossity · 26/04/2015 15:14

The policy of not having fathers stay is what I as the woman patient on a public ward would want. It's not about the patriarchy, it's about privacy.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 26/04/2015 15:14

I mean the NHS is trying to put a stop to as many mixed wards as possible. This has been a big political thing as well, so people must feel it is pretty important or the politicians wouldn't bother.

Why is post-natal going the other way?

funnyossity · 26/04/2015 15:14

I would feel the same about women partners or parents staying.

everyusernameisinuse · 26/04/2015 15:15

This is not the exact same situation - but I miscarried at 12 weeks and was on a gynaecological ward. It was during the day - during visiting hours. There was 3 other women on the ward and only one partner visiting his wife at the time. He was sitting diagonally across from me. The curtains were closed around my bed.

I had taken a table to induce the baby.

When the doctors called round to my bed I was in a panic because I could feel the baby was about to come out and there was a feeling of pressure that reminded me of when I gave birth before. The doctors were very nice and helped it out with a forceps. I was very scared and upset - and I nearly passed out with the loss of blood pressure. I was asking if the baby had come out yet because I was very anxious they wouldn't throw it away in the bin by accident. There was commotion with me worried about them missing the baby and the doctor calling for forceps and drips.

After it was all over the doctor drew back the curtain a little to step out and I could see that man sitting on his chair and I caught his eye. I felt really angry at him for not stepping out of the ward while that was going on. Why didn't his wife ask him to step out - she looked calm and relaxed - not in need of urgent help from him. The two if them having a good listen to what was going on Sad

There is something more intrusive about a man being in close confines while something like that happens. Its such an invasion of privacy. If it was a women visitor I still wouldn't have been happy but it would have been less bad.

I was also annoyed at the hospital for allowing that to be done on a ward.

So I'm definitely against the idea of men staying overnight. I wouldn't want any person - man or women - staying 24 hours a day. When visiting hours are over you can enjoy the peace - not have to be listening to boring conversations happening behind the curtain or someone extra humming or coughing or snoring - sounds like hell

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 26/04/2015 15:18

It's a brilliant idea in theory but you need to set up the accommodation so that it is suitable. Private room, bed for dads (if dad is "sleeping" in a chair then he will be useless after discharge as he'll be completely knackered), parts of the ward kept separate and female only for people who don't have dad staying over, strictly enforced separate toilet and washing facilities.

Under those circumstances it would work well. And it would mean that dads could help out with the parenting and so leave the healthcare professionals free to provide the healthcare help that they are trained for.

Erudite · 26/04/2015 15:19

I am so very glad I had two of my children at home Sad.

How can it be right that women are exposed and their privacy violated in this way?

SoleSource · 26/04/2015 15:25

Makes me feel sick. I'd be very angry.

bloodyteenagers · 26/04/2015 15:25

oh god no.
When I had my eldest I was in an abusive relationship. He was a cunt to everyone and kicked off that he couldn't stay.
If this was now I would have never have had that break from him. One of the staff was going to try and find a private room, however someone else read the signs and no room could be found.

If the patient wants their partner there they either pay for a private room or stay at home. You have that choice. Other patients don't have that same choice when you decide to be pushy and demand your partner stays.

VivaLeBeaver · 26/04/2015 15:27

higgle. I doubt the staff agreed with you at all. They were however quite probably sick of wasting time arguing with you which was taking them away from their main job of providing patient care. But hey fuck everyone else, even on a cardiac ward. Let's waste the nurses' time because it's all about me, me, me!

DisappointedOne · 26/04/2015 15:27

Crikey. When I had DD (forceps delivery) 4.5 years ago at 6:30am DH was told to leave at 8am as it wasn't visiting time! He had stayed with me overnight while I was in labour but wasn't allowed at the hospital outside of visiting times, which I found very hard indeed (especially as the staff kept
mistaking me for having had a c-section and forgot to discharge me so I was stuck there far longer than I should have been).

redexpat · 26/04/2015 15:28

Could there not be a dormitory for the Dads elsewhere, perhaps on a disused ward? that's what they had at one of the hospitals in denmark, the one where I delivered my first. It's called the patient hotel and has a door direct onto the postnatal ward.

BUT you deliver as an out patient in DK and you're only kept in for more than 24 hours if there are complications. Which is a bit harsh, but I think it's to free up beds, to enable partners to stay. But it worked at the second hospital.

fatlazymummy · 26/04/2015 15:29

I notice Higgle hasn't been back to this thread for a while. It would be interesting if she responded.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 26/04/2015 15:30

Are the dads sleeping in the chairs?

This all just seems weird.

MissDemelzaCarne · 26/04/2015 15:30

I'm very sorry to hear of your experience everyotherusername, that sounds awful but to have your privacy violated made a terrible situation even worse Flowers

bloodyteenagers · 26/04/2015 15:30

This has really annoyed me.
How can it be what we want?
Was any of You officially asked? I must have been off the planet during these consultations.

Who the hell was asked?

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 26/04/2015 15:35

dunno.

it's like bounty and not being given appropriate info about procedures and all sorts of stuff, seems like when it's to do with women and babies, all usual procedure just goes out the window and the women come last.

PunkrockerGirl · 26/04/2015 15:37

I'm sure all us nurses will have dealt with a higgle several times during our careers. It's not uncommon, sadly.

Sallystyle · 26/04/2015 15:37

It's disgusting.

I would have liked my dh to have stayed (well I would have done if I had actually spent the night in hospital) but I am not selfish enough to care only about what I want.

My husband wouldn't stay anyway because he wouldn't want to make women uncomfortable. I don't really care if you want your husband there, women and the babies are the patients, and women should have privacy from men overnight after giving birth. If you (general you) want your husband there that badly pay to go privately, but to expect other women to put up with your husband's presence because you want him there is incredibly selfish.

Higgle · 26/04/2015 15:38

I'm a very nice person really!
1.DH and I don't do much to gether socially as we have different interests but we are very concerned about each other if we are ill and don't really trust hospitals to care for us properly. Private work a bit more on the PR of the situation and with the nose and miscarriage problems we were invited to stay with each other 24 hours if we wanted, they were only short stays, and the hospitals private.

  1. Our local hospital was about as bad as Stafford( where two of my uncles died in circumstances taht were not edxpected. MRSA rates etc. very high. I stayed with DH to ensure that he was kept safe while he had his tests and that good hygiene was observed. I took a good supply of toilet cleaner, beach wipes etc with me and in view of some horrendous reports in press wrote down all comments nursing and drs said. Fortunately after 10 days ( I didn't stay the full 10 days ) they let him home. The terrible terribl;e things at Mid Staffs could no;t have happened if relations had insisted on remaining with their relations more - I did not want my husband going home worse than he went in or getting MRSA ( in addition to my two uncles two aunts got that before they died too)
  2. There must be another view as the pilot hospitals allowing fathers to stay would presumably not have got an award for thier work.
  3. I'm sickened by the anti male views expressed on MN all the time, no poor man seems to escabpe the labelling of being an abuser.
  4. People should leave toilets clean if they possibly can, I don't think that leaving a public toilet full of blood for a nurse to see is i anyway justifiable.