AIBU to not want strange men sleeping next to me post operative?

[bracingair]

I am due to have a c-section in UCLH and I was chatting to one of the midwives. She said post natal you are in a 4 bedded bay. Partners can sleep over, and they don't like the curtains closed so they can keep an eye on u. This is not my first so very likely DH will not stay overnight.

I think it is wonderful that women can have their partners over if they want, but I do not want someone else's partner right by me! I know resources are stretched but I think it is putting me in a position I am very uncomfortable with. AIBU and if not, what can I do about this?

Don't need to try it. Seen it, tested it. Yes it can be qualified, but if there's no disturbance and you stay discrete and private then no - you try and say no to the spouse being at the bedside.

They don't allow non-patients to stay overnight on the Gynae ward at St Thomas'.

There was nearly an international incident when a young woman was admitted after emergency surgery. It was the middle of the night and her dh demanded to be able to stay with her, sleeping on the floor of her cubicle.

The staff were sympathetic - the couple were on holiday in London when she was taken ill. She'd just had surgery and a cancer diagnosis. Her English wasn't great. She needed her dh far more than anyone else on this thread. But they were adamant it was against hospital rules, for the benefit of patients as a whole. He was told to go downstairs to the general waiting room.

I don't care how respectful the men are. I still don't want to meet one on my way to the loo or have to listen to conversations the other side of the curtain in the middle of the niight. Those wards are tight enough on space anyway, without doubling the occupancy.

Erudite given the state of social care in our country that may explain a few things...

higgle do you work all day wiyh your dh too? do you not get fed up of looking at him?

Even if they're nice, there's still a privacy problem to me. I just don't like strange men seeing me in my nightclothes,possibly leaking blood, trying to breastfeed, etc. It's like when I was on my periods, I would have died if I thought I'd leaked through or even if anyone knew.
I only stayed on the postnatal ward once, and that was in the old days with limited visiting hours which suited me. The midwives were helpful though, they did answer bells and helped with breastfeeding and caring for the babies, if needed.
When I was a nurse (general nursing) visiting hours were also restricted. Exceptions were usually only made if a patient was nearing the end. I really think that's best for the majority of patients.

Against the flow of this thread I support men being able to stay overnight in maternity wards. Most of the problematic behaviours described in this thread could have equally been done by women, I don't buy that men are essentially more dangerous or likely to behave badly than women. I think the problem is with shared accommodation, not the genders involved.

I also think there's a broader issue at stake. My experience was that because my partner was asked to leave very soon after my baby was born (after a traumatic birth and her needing to be resuscitated) that by he time he visited the next day I was already the 'expert' on babycare, and this effected the dynamic of our family for many months to come. I think that if we really want more equal families than allowing the dad to stay is a really good starting place.

You don't agree with the concept of non-mixed wards, then, attheendoftheday?

The issue here is privacy in general on wards. Not which sex likes which loved one of which sex staying with them.

"Against the flow of this thread I support men being able to stay overnight in maternity wards. Most of the problematic behaviours described in this thread could have equally been done by women, I don't buy that men are essentially more dangerous or likely to behave badly than women. I think the problem is with shared accommodation, not the genders involved."

Yes, problematic behaviours could be done by women. But if the woman is the patient, she has to be there. If she is not the patient (e.g. same sex partner) then the same issues apply as with a father.

If you agree that the problem is shared accommodation, how does it help to let partners (male or female) share that accommodation?

I do sort of agree, I wouldn't have an issue in private rooms (provided it wasn't a substitute for staffing for those who didn't have a partner). But I don't think allowing it on a shared ward in the meantime is any sort of compromise.

this effected the dynamic of our family for many months to come

In what ways, precisely?

I practice human rights law. Those who are claiming that Article 8, the right to private and family life, entitles you to have your spouse with you in hospital, are wrong. The article doesn't say that and there is no case law whatsoever supporting it. If you got your way by claiming it does, it's either because they didn't know the law, didn't think it was worth arguing with you, or both. There is nothing in either the ECHR or our domestic law that entitles you to flout hospital visiting rules or stay overnight.

I found that going home turned everything around, the hospital experience was a thing apart and in no way set the tone.

Again, an utterly selfish reason Atthendoftehday.

I'm sorry you feel that your DH being absent for matter of hours affected your family for months but I find that extraordinary.

Millions of ud have managed just fine . After all, presumambly he went back to work at some point and you overtook him again with your knowledge and experience?

Hideous idea to have men staying on the wards - I can understand it in private rooms but not in close proximity. I bled all over the beds after both births, dripped milk, blood and God knows what else on the floor on the way to the toilet, cried lots, had to hand express on the ward, sat with boobs out trying to feed and more - and would have felt incredibly exposed sharing that with men who quite clearly weren't going through the same thing and possibly kept barging in to my curtained bay. If women need more support then employ more midwives, don't let the men in!

My hospital were so strict on visiting hours that DH wasn't allowed in to help me leave when I was discharged 15 mins before visiting hours started as "other women aren't expecting a man in the ward now". I had to carry my bags hobbling down the corridor while the midwife wheeled DS2 in the crib. I'm now externally grateful for this!

OK lawyer. You just called a court law.

It's really heartening to see an almost universal horror of this.

What can we do? Could we do a MN campaign?

I'm aware that I'm in the minority here but I had DH with me for three nights on a four bed ward after I had DS.
I suffered with mental health issues throughout my pregnancy and the thought of being left alone with a new baby made me so anxious and panicky that had he not been allowed to stay I would have found a different hospital.
There weren't any private rooms available but we were both quiet and respectful of the other new mums, didn't use our phones etc and kept the side curtains drawn and the top one open.
It never occurred to me that this was inappropriate although clearly it should have done.
No one complained but I'm aware that doesn't mean that everyone was happy.

You should really have paid privately or had a homebirth, Soapy.

I'm sorry about your issues but I would have created an absolute stink if I'd been in a room with your husband for three nights. You were very lucky that no one complained. Those poor women, please don't assume for one minute they were happy . they were probably just exhausted and worried about kicking up a fuss .

Soapy no other people probably weren't happy but probably didn't want to upset other people by complaining. It is inappropriate.

soapey - unless the private rooms were all full of women with equal need of them (those with babies in NICU, stillbirth, etc) then the solution was to put you in a private room. At my hospital, they weren't first come, first served. It was made very clear that, even if you were in one, you could be asked to vacate if someone with a medical need for one arrived and you were just there for it being more pleasant. That would have been the way to balance your needs and those of other patients. You shouldn't have been put in that position of needing your DH for mental health reasons and also being on a shared ward.

I have anxiety and the thought of having to share a ward with male strangers would be enough to make me have a home birth.. not that it will be an option for me, since my pregnancies will be high risk. I hope I can afford to go private or it will be a horrific experience

For me the problem was mainly that there twice as many people on the ward. If it was your partner, your mum or your best mate the same issue occurs: they are still filling up an already crowded and understaffed space and the midwives don't have time to enforce the behaviour code and should be focussing on patients not telling partners to be quiet etc.

I agree it is nice to have someone stay over. It would've been nice to stay with my mum after her cancer operations or for someone to stay with me after my operations. I don't understand why different rules apply to a c section which is also a major operation, regarding infection control it must be the same surely?

Regarding the rights issue, in my culture it's not the done thing to be semi dressed in front of opposite sex strangers. So I didn't like having to shuffle the length of the ward in my bloody gown in front of them. I'm sure many women feel the same whether it's their culture or not.

The only answer I can think of is those who want partners to stay pay for a private room or they have a mixed ward and a female ward as PPs have said.

Also the staff should have been able to support you as well Soapy. That should be part of your care plan.

Soapy - what about other women's mental health like TedandLola? Does that not matter to you?

I'm furious about this. How can this be tolerated?

I was on a little cottage hospital that didn't actually have any side rooms; it was one of three bays or nothing. I did ask to be put in one of the empty bays but for some reason that wasn't allowed.
If there had been the option of paying for a private room then we definitely would have but the option just wasn't there.
At no point did any of the midwives or consultants tell me that having DH to stay would be inappropriate. I didn't make a fuss, just asked if he would be able to stay and they said 'Of course' straight away.
Clearly more needs to be done to let hospitals know that women are very unhappy with this situation and that hospital policy needs to be changed.