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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want strange men sleeping next to me post operative?

568 replies

bracingair · 26/04/2015 12:35

I am due to have a c-section in UCLH and I was chatting to one of the midwives. She said post natal you are in a 4 bedded bay. Partners can sleep over, and they don't like the curtains closed so they can keep an eye on u. This is not my first so very likely DH will not stay overnight.

I think it is wonderful that women can have their partners over if they want, but I do not want someone else's partner right by me! I know resources are stretched but I think it is putting me in a position I am very uncomfortable with. AIBU and if not, what can I do about this?

OP posts:

UncleT · 26/04/2015 14:17

Actually erudite you do. It's the law.

Erudite · 26/04/2015 14:18

higgie - do you go to work with him? The loo? The Gp? Read his mail?

Imagine if a woman had written your post about her DH. Every woman here would be screaming red flags.

JanineStHubbins · 26/04/2015 14:18

You don't have a right to family life at all times in all places, ffs.

SirChenjin · 26/04/2015 14:18

start making notes of conversations and asking staff to sign them as correct records of conversations they quickly agree with you

You are very lucky you weren't shown the door. How dare you impose on nursing and medical care time in this way, at the expense of other patients. Grow the fuck up, the pair of you.

Erudite · 26/04/2015 14:19

Actually erudite you do. It's the law.

No. You don't. If a particular hospital policy is no overnight stays then that is that.

Try it.

Erudite · 26/04/2015 14:21

Do you sit with your kids all day at school, Higgle to protect your , " right to family life"?

AGirlCalledBoB · 26/04/2015 14:21

They did not let men stay when I had my son 19 months ago. However I did get early PND and did not cope at all, so on the second night they put me on a private room in which my oh stayed in there with me.

I think perhaps that would work better. I think it's all very well some on here saying that oh's are not needed but actually sometimes they are. So while I agree they should not be on a shared ward for the sake of the other women, there should be somewhere they can stay with their partners if really needed.

Nanny0gg · 26/04/2015 14:22

My DS was allowed to stay with DiL when they had their baby.

However, it was a midwife-led Maternity unit and they were in their own room. (In fact, he slept in another one for a while as it was so quiet that night!)

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/04/2015 14:22

I wouldn't be a massive fan of this either, in all honesty.

The concept is a fine one but they don't have the space to make it work in reality.

Sansarya · 26/04/2015 14:22

OP can you change to another hospital in the area? Unfortunately the Whittington has the same policy (I was lucky as I had DS in the birth centre so DP stayed overnight in our private room with a double bed) but you could check with the Royal Free?

Erudite · 26/04/2015 14:23

You are very lucky you weren't shown the door. How dare you impose on nursing and medical care time in this way, at the expense of other patients. Grow the fuck up, the pair of you.

Agreed. You sound like a pair of thoroughly vile, selfish and controlling individuals. Exactly why we need to preserve post natal wards for women only.

Everstrong · 26/04/2015 14:23

YANBU!!

If men had been allowed to stay over in the post natal ward where I had DD I would have discharged myself against medical advice (catheter and all!)

As someone who was abused as a teenager I am absolutely petrified of men I don't know. My sleep is terrible anyway as I don't feel "safe" and knowing that there were strange men a few feet away who could harm me or my baby (yes...I know statistically the chances of such a thing happening are low but that's not how my traumatised mind works!) would push me over the edge.

It's not a romantic couples break, it's a post natal ward for goodness sake! It was bad enough when I was in having DD and one family pitched up with their other 5 children in two who ran amok round the ward and wouldn't give anyone else peace (I had one of their children come into my bed area despite the curtain being closed to ask "why is your baby crying?" I was sat there with a catheter still in and trying to learn how to breastfeed! When the midwives asked them to leave (an hour after official visiting time finished), the father kicked off and they had to threaten him with security! They then arrived at 9am the next day so there was no escape! It was like some completely ridiculous comedy sketch.

SirChenjin · 26/04/2015 14:24

Bob - that would be the ideal scenario. Unfortunately the NHS isn't resourced in such a way to allow that, and if there was suddenly a surfeit of funding I would rather it went to delivering better patient care as opposed to putting DH/Ps up for the night.

FanFuckingTastic · 26/04/2015 14:24

I wish we were less hospital based care, more mother and child based. Something in between would be better, where we still have access to emergency and medical care, but we also had more privacy and autonomy.

With the way it is now, we either have to rely on the staff providing support, or with losing the privacy many desire following birth. It shouldn't be a one or the other situation. We should be able to have privacy and support, either from midwives or birth partners (male or female, as some are single parents and obviously there are same sex relationships to consider)

I don't feel like the way it is now works for the majority of cases where birth doesn't need to be medicalised, simply supported. Even disabled as I am, I did far better with less interventions, than when everything became a medical procedure, my own wishes were ignored (legs were not to be forced apart, pelvic instability, resulted in hip and pelvic injury) and a surgeon stood at my door waiting for my time to be up, not taking into account that many first babies have a longer labour and pushing stage, and that since I was induced early, it took a bit longer for my body to become favourable to labouring.

bimandbam · 26/04/2015 14:25

I have had 2 elcs. And both times I felt exposed and vulnerable enough without partners staying.

I only needed help with the babies for the first few hours of the epidural wearing off. with ds in 2013 they had a crib that attached to the side of the bed so it was easier to reach for him. And although they are usually desperately short staffed especially at night I don't see how having dad there overnight actually helps that much.

I found it hard enough the curtains being opened during the day when I was trying to establish bfing with the partner of the woman in the bed opposite watching me never mind him being there all night.

It's not about men being pervs or anything else. It's about not wanting to discuss your 'loss' volume with the midwives whilst non medical men are within earshot. Or whether your breasts are soft. Or whether you need your pad changing when you still have the catheter in.

And my dp felt uncomfortable being on the ward to be honest.

There is a reason childbirth has historically been place men weren't welcome. I agree fathers should be at the birth whenever possible but I would prefer more support from nursing staff for women and limited visiting hours for everyone else.

Apart from the children's ward I can't think of any other part of the hospital that has 12 hour visiting. 3 2 hour slots during the day would suit me better.

Then there might be more room on the wars for staff.

AuntyMag10 · 26/04/2015 14:25

Yanbu, you should be entitled to your privacy.

Higgle you sound desperately needy and clingy. How do you manage on a day to day basis.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/04/2015 14:27

Bob - in a private room, no issue with that at all, so long as there are sufficient toilet facilities as well (so the men aren't blocking the loos needed by the postnatal women). Which begs the question - WHY have UCLH removed that facility? WHY have they no longer got private rooms available? I'll say it again, RIDICULOUS situation!

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 26/04/2015 14:28

WTF so this is a triumph for inclusiveness?

So yet again we have an example of something that was created to assist minority / vulnerable people, being used to advantage groups who are not minority / vulnerable.

Thus, it is a triumph for inclusiveness, that men are allowed access to post-natal wards 24/7. Hoorah! And don't worry about the concerns of the often vulnerable women who need to be there.

FGS.

And how does this fit in with the NHS promise to cut out on mixed sex wards wherever possible?

Who thing is a cost-cutting pisstake and exercise in double-think.

Erudite · 26/04/2015 14:30

Higgle is a Social Care Manager.

Terrifying

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 26/04/2015 14:31

Also the men signing a code of conduct and promising to keep their clothes on... that's not really the point! If a man removed all his clothes or behaved in an unacceptable fashion, I would hope they would be asked to leave / amend their ways anyway.

The problem is that a lot of women, when wearing backless hospital gowns, massive bloodstained pants, catheterised, drugged to the gills, trying to get to grips with BF etc etc will not appreciate having all these blokes around in the middle of the night. For some it will be a massive problem (cultural reasons/past experiences/loads of reasons).

FayKorgasm · 26/04/2015 14:32

higgle have you no regard as to the other patients?

SauvignonBlanche · 26/04/2015 14:32

YANBU, I'd hate this too. Whilst I'd have been happy to have my DH with me, he's far too considerate it have imposed himself on other people in this way.

what can I do about this?

Contact PALS at UCLH and ask for the contact details of the Supervisor of Midwifes and ask if there is a way you can avoid this and put it in your birth plan. Failing that, try the Royal Free.

Sansarya · 26/04/2015 14:34

I'm sure there are those who think YABU to want no men staying over but they probably have lovely partners who would be quiet and considerate. Sadly not all men are like this. As PPs have pointed out, some are real shits and no woman in a vulnerable situation should have to be around then.

JanineStHubbins · 26/04/2015 14:34

just at the thought of Higgle in the hospital with the poor suffering staff:

'I know he's just had a nasal polyps removed, but WE HAVE A RIGHT TO FAAAAMILY LIFE! Now sign this record of the conversation.'

Honestly.

SirChenjin · 26/04/2015 14:34

Wiggle may be a Social Care Manager - but it's obvious she is not employed by the NHS with behaviour such as that.

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