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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want strange men sleeping next to me post operative?

568 replies

bracingair · 26/04/2015 12:35

I am due to have a c-section in UCLH and I was chatting to one of the midwives. She said post natal you are in a 4 bedded bay. Partners can sleep over, and they don't like the curtains closed so they can keep an eye on u. This is not my first so very likely DH will not stay overnight.

I think it is wonderful that women can have their partners over if they want, but I do not want someone else's partner right by me! I know resources are stretched but I think it is putting me in a position I am very uncomfortable with. AIBU and if not, what can I do about this?

OP posts:
soverylucky · 26/04/2015 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Erudite · 26/04/2015 19:03

* however to ensure we were both able to be of some use to our DD we had to take shifts sleeping in the bed/chair which definitely took its toll on my recovery. However it did help my DH bond with DD in a way he wouldn't otherwise have for those first few days.

You slept in the chair?? After a forceps delivery? I can't believe I've just read that.

Are you telling me that the only way your DH could 'bond' with your baby was a) staying in the hospital and b) getting a comfy sleep?

If my gast wasn't so flabbered I'd go and ask my DH how he managed to bond with our children when they didn't sleep under the same roof for over a week!*

Agreed.

I cannot imagine any decent DH taking the bed. It's those kind of entitled arses on the ward that makes these proposals so terrifying. Who would want a man any where near them who made his post partum wife sleep in a chair?

Feckeggblue · 26/04/2015 19:05

My situation would've cost far more than £10k dread to think how much. And private hospitals can't deal with emergencies anyway

Most people who have planned, low risk textbook births don't end up on the post natal ward. They usually go home. My hospital does first discharge 2 hours after birth if you want. The women admitted have had emergencies and complications usually.

soverylucky · 26/04/2015 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Newlywed2013 · 26/04/2015 19:06

No I've not
Read the full thread saw some of the first posts, so in my case I would have had to put my feelings, worries etc aside.... Where I gave birth it seem to work. It was for the first night. By 9am dads were arriving anyway and the dads were asked to stay behind the curtains which all dads did. Dads also were not allowed to used the patient toilets. Where I gave birth it worked. And when we have another dc he will stay over again for the first night. If it is managed properly don't see why it cannot be done!

milkyway1304 · 26/04/2015 19:12

For those complaining about men lying on the beds- after my emcs I was unable to lie down in bed without it causing severe pain. I was most certainly unable to reach my baby or feed her in the bed. So I spent two nights not sleeping in the chair, followed by 8nights not sleeping in the bed. My husband did snooze for a few hours in the bed those nights, which I had no problem with. I agree, as a HCP, that visitors should not stay on the wards. However, I was septic, bleeding heavily and needed help. The meals had to be collected from the kitchen, something I could not do the first few days/nights. I needed help to get to the bathroom, and I needed someone to hand me the baby, and to change her, and hold her so that I could rest. I'm sure the nurses were more help to those women who had no family members to help, but it seemed to me that family were expected to do the bulk of caring.

oddfodd · 26/04/2015 19:12

On this thread alone we've had some absolutely shocking stories (and I include MamaV in that, even though she's on the side of men being able to stay). I can't find any good reason for men to stay other than a lack of nursing care for new mothers and babies. Wanting to bond is not a good reason for men to stay - particularly given the majority of women spend 1 night in hospital after birth.

It's disgraceful that women's health and well-being is being put at risk like this. I can't think of any good reason to allow it.

Erudite · 26/04/2015 19:15

And what if some of the men were rude, drunken arses who refused to copperate? hmm?

What then? You really think ALL men are obliging, kind and decent?

Sansarya · 26/04/2015 19:16

Jesus, someone here actually slept in a chair post-partum so that her husband could sleep on the bed? Seriously? If that is true then it's appalling. What sort of selfish fecker takes a bed from a woman who's just had a forceps birth? I don't care even if she told him to sleep in the bed, any halfway decent man would insist on having the chair surely??

Newlywed2013 · 26/04/2015 19:24

Surely if you were drunk you would not be allowed on the ward anyway!

AnyFucker · 26/04/2015 19:26

I can only conclude that the woman whose male partner slept in her hospital bed was/is in an abusive relationship

HappinessHappening · 26/04/2015 19:27

My DH stayed in for a week with me when I had our last baby, it was the only option available to us. I am disabled and he is my carer and it was made very clear to us that if he wasn't there my care needs wouldn't be met

SauvignonBlanche · 26/04/2015 19:30

I wouldn't want a man that could sleep in my hospital bed anywhere near me or my life!

expatinscotland · 26/04/2015 19:33

'Surely if you were drunk you would not be allowed on the ward anyway!'

I doubt they make it obvious at the door Hmm. And plenty are not drunk, just rude, aggressive arseholes. Some aren't even the dad, either.

And plenty of women don't have a partner at all.

And plenty just don't want to share a sleeping space with a bunch of strange men.

RufusTheReindeer · 26/04/2015 19:35

Was in hospital for 5 nights with Ds1 and 2 nights for dd and 1 night for ds1

Dh didn't stay any of those nights as 11/16 years ago this wasn't offered

I think it's a dreadful idea, I would not have been happy at all with dads being in the shared wards although I would have less of a problem in private rooms

I think the vast amount of women can manage by themselves and those that can't should obviously be helped more by the nursing team

I agree with other posters, the problem is the lack of decent maternity care in this country, although many midwifery teams do their best

Ds was born in a lovely maternity unit...and then when it went tits up we were transferred by ambulance to the local hospital. So a private paid birth would have been no use

mrsmilkymoo · 26/04/2015 19:42

For everyone saying go private, I live in Scotland and really wanted to go private just for privacy reasons, and more superficial things such as an en suite bathroom, edible food and reading lamps that work, but couldn't find anywhere where that was possible. Seems a gap in the market as I'd have paid through the nose to avoid the hellish postnatal ward and not be cleaning the floor two nights after a c section because dd peed on it! (yes, this was my fault as i gave her a cuddle mid nappy change but i hadn't slept in almost a week!)

Nanny0gg · 26/04/2015 19:46

HappinessHappening You were in a hospital, why wasn't proper care available to you?

SirChenjin · 26/04/2015 19:46

Whst was the hospital's response to your subsequent complaint milky?

Whereabouts in Scotland are you, if you don't mind me asking?

DisappointedOne · 26/04/2015 19:48

No private maternity options in Wales either. :(

Fugghetaboutit · 26/04/2015 19:51

I gave birth at UCLH, all the curtains were closed on postnatal wards Confused thank god because I bled through everything and couldn't move so lovely midwives stripped me down.

HappinessHappening · 26/04/2015 19:55

nanny you would think a hospital would indeed be the best place to be for care needs but apparently they were too busy to help me and if DH couldn't do it it wasn't their problem. At one point DH popped home and a midwife came in and removed the rails on the side of my bed because she had seen me use them to pull myself up with, this meant I was stuck laying down with no way of sitting up and I couldn't reach my crying newborn to feed him (and that was just the tip of the iceberg)

I'm not exaggerating when I say that I didn't encounter a single member of staff on the postnatal ward who had any idea what to do with a severaly disabled post c section patient, it was like I had three heads! One even told me all c section mums had to walk up and down the corridor by day 3 and I was no exception - despite the fact I was telling her I couldn't walk full stop and she could see my wheelchair!

mrsmilkymoo · 26/04/2015 19:55

Sirchengin my nearest hospital is dundee. I didn't complain as I didn't think it was complaint worthy. I was just so happy to leave the hospital, bond with dd and finally get some sleep.

Osmiornica · 26/04/2015 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wanttosqueezeyou · 26/04/2015 20:06

Disgusting. This wouldn't happen on any other ward.
But has happened because nursing care is so poor on post natal wards.

Many straightforward deliveries are admitted. The 2 hour discharge often only happens if you give birth at the 'correct' time of day.

SirChenjin · 26/04/2015 20:06

Ah, don't know anything about Dundee - I am in the central belt snd work for the NHS, wondered if was one around here.

It's always worth complaining. It's the only way that the managers can find out what is really happening and the only way they can address problems.

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