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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want strange men sleeping next to me post operative?

568 replies

bracingair · 26/04/2015 12:35

I am due to have a c-section in UCLH and I was chatting to one of the midwives. She said post natal you are in a 4 bedded bay. Partners can sleep over, and they don't like the curtains closed so they can keep an eye on u. This is not my first so very likely DH will not stay overnight.

I think it is wonderful that women can have their partners over if they want, but I do not want someone else's partner right by me! I know resources are stretched but I think it is putting me in a position I am very uncomfortable with. AIBU and if not, what can I do about this?

OP posts:

TedAndLola · 26/04/2015 18:05

Of course you do, Higgle. As do ALL women. Your needs don't override theirs and vice versa.

If there were enough nurses and if you had a healthy baby then there would be no reason for you to have your partner with you - don't you agree?

You're talking to a woman who would happily force a vulnerable woman (who had suffered abuse and was scared of men being around in her vulnerable state) to recover from birth with a strange man next to her bed. You really can't expect her to be reasonable.

fatlazymummy · 26/04/2015 18:07

My friends husband was evicted from the maternity ward by security. He was trying to strangle her following a row over her mother visiting her.
I remember catching a couple in bed together (can't say they were definitely having sex) a couple of hours after she'd had a D and C following a miscarriage.
It all happens in hospitals.

AGirlCalledBoB · 26/04/2015 18:08

All I am saying LadyCatherine is that in some cases, there are a justifiable reason for a partner staying with the mother in a side room that does trump the fact women may feel uncomfortable in a shared room.

In the case of my oh, it was special circumstances and he was not near the shared ward. I certainly did not want it to happen like that, it was taken out of my hands.

What about a still birth, should the partner leave the private side room then because it may make other women uncomfortable in the shared ward?

Where does it end, male midwives, male cleaners, male orderlies?

I am in now way suggesting men should stay on the shared ward, but I would strongly support men being able to stay in private rooms with their partners if really needed.

oddfodd · 26/04/2015 18:08

This is an absolutely dreadful dreadful idea.

However, according to the UCLH maternity booklet:

At night time, partners are not allowed
to stay in the four bedded bay ward
areas as this will disturb other women
and babies, and may compromise their
privacy overnight.

And where is the OP?

bloodyteenagers · 26/04/2015 18:09

Petal either that was in a North London hospital or there is another disgusting man who jumped into to bed and fucked his missus.
Not me, I had the displeasure of being in the next bed.

theDudesmummy · 26/04/2015 18:15

I have not read the whole thread but am shocked that this happens (fathers sleeping on the postnatal ward overnight). And can't really see why. I had a c/s in a private hospital, and I didn't want or need my DH there that night (he went home and had a celabratory piss up with his friends, which is exactly how it should be, imho!). Now, if the baby had been ill or something it would have been different, but the last thing I wanted after a day like that was my DH, much as I love him, shuffling about and snoring next to me. Never mind anyone else.

I have to say that when I read things like this I am just so glad I shelled out for private care. I don't understand why people will spend that kind of money on all kinds of things like holidays and house renovations, when this was the most important thing I had ever done in my life and I wanted it to be as good as possible (had the epidural in for over three days, which was heavenly, you can't have that in the NHS).

expatinscotland · 26/04/2015 18:19

'I don't understand why people will spend that kind of money on all kinds of things like holidays and house renovations, when this was the most important thing I had ever done in my life and I wanted it to be as good as possible '

You don't understand why someone may not have a spare £10k to have a private birth? For real? Plenty don't and it's not due to holidays or house renovations.

Willow33 · 26/04/2015 18:21

What? Am going to see a consultant there tmrw and will find out more info on this.

lucycant · 26/04/2015 18:27

No it will be the curtains fully open. I have been in hospital a few times and it is standard for the nurses to want the curtains fully open unless you are changing or having a medical procedure done.
I think this sounds horrible.

petalunicorn · 26/04/2015 18:29

bloodyteenagers, not N London, no :(

fatlazymummy · 26/04/2015 18:31

thedudesmummy I don't think most people would be able to afford private care nowadays, not with property prices etc. My son and DIL are saving really hard for their next (hopefully)baby ,but that is to cover extended maternity leave (she is the highest earner).
In any case, there shouldn't be any need. Women should feel happy and confident with NHS care. I did for all my births. I can't say that staying in hospital for 6 days post natally was the happiest time of my life, but I did feel adequately cared for.

Newlywed2013 · 26/04/2015 18:33

My dh stayed the night after my dd was born, dads were allowed to stay the first night but we were able to close the curtain as it wasn't a post op ward. In the morning it was a rule that dads had to stay behind the curtain.
I was made to feel comfortable as a first time mum having dh there, I struggled to move after my delivery and I would not have been able to pick dd up had she been crying yet alone be able to change her etc. There were two other dads on the ward.
I think banning dads from stating that first night is not on, why should they not be allowed there to support you and help you and bond? It made our first night better!
All other dads I saw on the ward congratulated us as we did them and when trying to bf we just closed the curtain!

Feckeggblue · 26/04/2015 18:35

The dudes mummy when you say you didn't need him how did you get your baby in and out of it's cot for feeding/ comforting?

They can't make you have your curtains open, explain you want privacy and that's that. They aren't there to get their own way at any cost.they like them
Open so the baby can get sunlight but we happy for them to be drawn for bf and other private matters so I don't see a problem in insisting

VivaLeBeaver · 26/04/2015 18:36

An epidural for three days may be bliss but there's no medical need and it significantly raises your risk of a dvt, PE and pressure sores. Poor medical practice.

fatlazymummy · 26/04/2015 18:43

Newlywed there are lots of reasons why dads should be 'banned' from staying overnight. The main one is that hospital wards are for patients, and dads aren't patients.
If you're not comfortable looking after your baby on the 1st night then the staff should help you. That's part of their job (or it certainly used to be). In the 'olden' days the midwives used to put the baby in the nursery for the first night and bring them to the mother when they woke for a feed. They also used to feed the babies themselves sometimes if they were bottlefed, do the first top and tail and bath, encourage the Mums to nap during the day, which was possible because visiting hours were limited, just generally make sure the mothers were able to recover and learn how to look after their baby.

SabrinnaOfDystopia · 26/04/2015 18:44

MummaV - your post demonstrates exactly why men should not be allowed on the wards overnight. A non-patient made a patient share the bed in shifts with him. You'd just given birth by cs. FFS - I can't believe he took the bed from you. I'm shocked

It's not the first time I've heard this either - I've heard stories on other threads of the husbands taking the beds, and meals off the patients. It makes me so angry.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 26/04/2015 18:46

In that case BoB, you very definitely are saying that the women who feel uncomfortable with your DH or other men being there should just get on with it. The exact same thing you object to other people saying to you.

SabrinnaOfDystopia · 26/04/2015 18:47

When/if the time comes for my dd to give birth - I think I'll offer to pay for her do it privately. NHS maternity services are getting worse and worse - and I agree with pp's - it's nothing to do with fatherly bonding - it's so they can skimp even more with the number of mw's on the wards.

I had zero help from mw's when I was on the post-natal ward, and one shouted at me for bleeding onto the sheets. Probably from stress and overwork.

fairgame · 26/04/2015 18:52

They only let partners stay over at my local mat unit if there is a stillbirth. The family get a special suite with their own kitchen which is away from the post natal ward. Dad's are allowed to visit between 11am and 8pm on post natal wards. They are allowed at all hours on the delivery suite but cannot sleep over. I really wanted DP to stay as i was on my own overnight in a 4 bedded bay due to being induced but they said no in case any more women were admitted. I can see it from both sides. I think the best way to solve it would be to give women single rooms so that partners can stay.

expatinscotland · 26/04/2015 18:53

'I think banning dads from stating that first night is not on, why should they not be allowed there to support you and help you and bond?'

Because some women may not have a 'dad' or partner to be there with them and can feel vulnerable and exposed, some may have been raped or abused and feel uncomfortable with strange men overnight on the ward with them, some may have religious or ethnic reasons why they cannot share sleeping space at night with strange men, some 'dads' are violent, aggressive and rude. But most of all, they are not patients and wards are not set up to accommodate double the amount of people they were created for, half of whom are not patients.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 26/04/2015 18:55

They do like to have the curtains open and that makes sense as they can see at a glance that everything is OK, have a general oversight of things. Makes sense to me (I've spent a lot of time in hospital).

theDudesmummy · 26/04/2015 18:56

No no I did not mean everone would have the money for a private birth, of course not. I just wonder about some people's priorities sometimes. I know lots of people who have spent that kind of money on holidays, conservatories, stuff like that, but would be aghast at paying for a birth. Thier choice of course, I just chose differently.

CaptainHolt · 26/04/2015 18:57

There are vast swathes of the country outside London which don't have maternity services in private hospitals.

theDudesmummy · 26/04/2015 18:59

And from what I hear here the difference between my experience and what you can get in an NHS hospital can be so vast that it is worth thinking about private if there is any way you can afford it. I am not knocking the NHS, I work for the NHS and have done for nearly 30 years. But it does not seem that all hospitals do maternity very well (funding, priorities etc, you can say exactly the same for general mental helath services of course, etc).

theDudesmummy · 26/04/2015 19:00

OK, of you can afford it AND if it is available where you live....

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