AIBU to not want strange men sleeping next to me post operative?

[bracingair]

I am due to have a c-section in UCLH and I was chatting to one of the midwives. She said post natal you are in a 4 bedded bay. Partners can sleep over, and they don't like the curtains closed so they can keep an eye on u. This is not my first so very likely DH will not stay overnight.

I think it is wonderful that women can have their partners over if they want, but I do not want someone else's partner right by me! I know resources are stretched but I think it is putting me in a position I am very uncomfortable with. AIBU and if not, what can I do about this?

Lewisham hospital doesn't allow men to stay over in the post natal ward op, not sure if that is in any way convenient for you! I hated it personally, I felt so completely alone and lost with a baby who wouldn't latch on and screamed all night. If I had my time again I would go to Kings entirely because partners can stay over there. However yanbu I completely understand your concerns.

I'm due to have my first in July and this has been an interesting read. My understanding is that my hospital has the same policy as OPs - 4 bed wards and no restrictions on partners (male and female partners) visiting. Other vistors have a 5 hour time slot.

I am hoping to be discharged fairly quickly but I had considered that if I give birth from the early evening that I would prefer to stay over night just so i could get some rest sooner rather than later. However, I hate the thought of being on a ward full stop let alone being surrounded by other patients' partners and visitors. But at least with 3 other women we are all inthe same boat. I can't stand the idea of having a conversation with a midwife with people sitting around me. I don't understand how you are suppose to rest with 3 other women, their babies and their partners around. No matter how considerate and nice partners are if they are awake they will be chatting/watching tv/snoring/faffing about and making noise.

If I end up on a ward I am hoping my fellow patients will think the same as me and prefer their Partners to be at home overnight. I think my partner would be very uncomfortable staying with me on a shared ward because he'd worry he is making other patients uncomfortable (he's also a bit of a prude). Quite frankly I'd prefer my DP to be at home making sure it is tidy for when I come home, that we have all the food essentials, isn't knackered and can be at my beck and call for a few days(!)

I do however appreciate that some women have difficult births and need assistance and their partners can give emotional support/physical help but that is really the midwifes job to help.

My hospital does have private rooms. I have set aside some money in the hope I can have one (women who are ill/children in NiCu/stillborn get priority) but there is a risk I will be on a ward and it does worry me. I want to breastfeed and want to be able to do so in peace and quiet and in private. If I am on a ward I will have the curtains closed.

Some of the stories on here are very upsetting, especially everyuser.

Sadly I think the "facilities" at Bath are reclining chairs, Penguins.
Wasn't the award for something like "most supportive to new fathers" anyway .

My DH stayed with me the whole time, we had a private room though and it had a separate bed for him. I would have really struggled without him, I had an elective section for psychological reasons (past sexual abuse and very traumatic grossly negligent loss of our first son) and some of my PTSD involves hospitals and female hcp's (midwives particularly). I have some serious heart problems and the cardiologist ordered DH to be allowed to stay, and our consultant made sure we had a private room, as every time DH nipped away (for a fag) they very genuinely concerned that I would go into cardiac arrest, I just cannot cope being in hospitals without him. That I see as enough of a reason for partners to be allowed to stay, but it's a tricky one as everyone has the right to dignity and respect. Were not in the UK anymore and here all rooms are private, no wards thank goodness!

Hmm, I would hate to have my newborn and I sleeping next to a man who stank of fag smoke.

Just caught up with a tonight and she mentioned about this thread. In the ward she had a man square up to her while the midwives hid as she had blood gushing and something was wrong. He told her to stfu as he was trying to sleep pulled her curtain back and went crazy. She's a barrister normally very good in these situations but melted. The freak guy then told her her gash was ruined. His wife way crying saying stop this......so yes men on wards bad idea for some

Yanbu - I would have been v unhappy both times having my kids in 2008 and 2010.

Both times though I got given private rooms (c section, terrible birth). First time round I think he stayed. We even got to order in a takeaway!!! The nurses brought a range of menus and together with friends we had a really nice meal in the family kitchen. Amazing. One mw even took ds away for a few hours to let me sleep.

Second time round dh wasn't allowed to stay.

Luna before I had my first I would have preferred my husband stay home. He certainly would have preferred to stay home. However it was made clear that it was expected that he would stay. The postnatal ward was understaffed and the quality of staff varied markedly. On the first night I needed to be rushed back to theatre and he stayed with the baby to feed her expressed colostrum which I had gathered in the day. On the third night he stayed home to get the house in order (expecting us home the next day) and I had a significant bleed. 4 hours later my bedsheets had not been changed. I had been placed on strict bedrest but had to get up as my 3 day old was screaming to be fed and nobody would hand her to me. I had to clean the floor myself as best I could. Certainly the nursing staff should be providing this care but it appears they are frequently unable to. I had significantly more concerns about the lack of response to concerning clinical signs. As quite a senior healthcare professional with 15 years of experience working in hospitals I felt vulnerable enough to require the assistance of my (non-medical) husband, so I can only imagine how most women feel. I did discuss my concerns with the head of midwifery, director of nursing and the clinical director but I certainly cannot see things changing any time soon.

That's awful wantssunshine!
I hope your friend complains but she's probably got enough on her plate.

I was a month ago but it's the big thing she talks about. No her lovely baby. I hope she complains big style but she is so vulnerable at the moment

OP apologies for not having read the whole thread, but I've had two babies at UCLH and my sister had hers there two weeks ago - partners are not normally allowed to stay overnight, visiting hours for other halves end at 9pm or 9.30, I can't remember exactly but there was a sign up in the entrance about it, and for other relatives it's 2-8pm or something like that. Obviously if you have your baby in the middle of the night they don't kick your other half out straight away so there may be the odd man around at night but there shouldn't be many. Also you are allowed to close the curtains, just leave it open a few inches so MW can pop their head in. So it may not be as bad as you fear.

Personally however I agree with a lot of the comments on here about the lack of nursing care for new mothers (and presumably other patients too) - partners are treated as being there to replace nursing staff when it comes to taking care of you which is appalling - women are being badly let down by being dumped in these horrible wards with no one bringing water to drink, changing beds, helping with babies - it is just shocking.

The NHS says no private rooms allowed after sections

Bollocks. That is NOT NHS policy. Its policy on a trust by trust basis and trusts can make exceptions to this, if they wish anyway.

My view on it is if you want your partner with you 24/7 for bonding after giving birth either pay to go private or have a home birth.

Well that's a very nice view... However, there are only private maternity wards in the South East which means going private is not an option for many women even if they can afford it. And not all women are suitable for a home birth.

I also think there's a broader issue at stake. My experience was that because my partner was asked to leave very soon after my baby was born (after a traumatic birth and her needing to be resuscitated) that by he time he visited the next day I was already the 'expert' on babycare, and this effected the dynamic of our family for many months to come. I think that if we really want more equal families than allowing the dad to stay is a really good starting place.

I think this is very much overlooked. Its a massive thing that could have big implications going forward with regard to how families work and indeed stay together. It has the potential to be a really good starting point to increase the role that some fathers take. I think its something that needs to be seriously considered in planning maternity units. The focus should be on 'family' as well as 'women'. I don't think the two are incapable and I think its cost effective. However this rests on private rooms being the norm rather than the exception. Why is it that some hospitals are all private rooms now - particularly north of the border - and when units are being redeveloped we are still happy to accept wards at all. Many women complain about the hell of post-natal wards and the lack of sleep - and that's nothing to do with the presence of men. Its down to screaming babies disturbing everyone and wards not being appropriate in this day and age.

soapydopeybubbles Sun 26-Apr-15 14:57:56
I'm aware that I'm in the minority here but I had DH with me for three nights on a four bed ward after I had DS.
I suffered with mental health issues throughout my pregnancy and the thought of being left alone with a new baby made me so anxious and panicky that had he not been allowed to stay I would have found a different hospital.
There weren't any private rooms available but we were both quiet and respectful of the other new mums, didn't use our phones etc and kept the side curtains drawn and the top one open.

Erudite Sun 26-Apr-15 15:00:56
You should really have paid privately or had a homebirth, Soapy.

Like hell she should. The NHS have a duty to provide appropriate care and support for all patients. Severe anxiety is a mental health issue. Soapy had a right to the correct support. The hospital should provide that - which might include her partner staying over. The issue here is they failed to provide the appropriate facilities to do that.

The danger in failing to allow partners to stay with women who have mental health issues like this, is that they may either discharge themselves before they should and endanger their own health, or suffer psychologically from not getting the right support. This type of support can not always be given by midwives because it is a very specific kind of anxiety.

We should not be compromising ANYONE'S health. Mental or physical. You should not have to pay if you have mental health issues. They should be taken seriously and catered for.

we should have a MN campaign
The campaign we should have, is for ending post natal wards full stop. If some hospitals in the UK can both staff and afford to do this, then the argument that its not economic doesn't stand. Plus as I said before the costs to society may be not clearly definable. Or there may be a reduction in mental health related costs which again are not obvious. This also benefits single mothers or other vulnerable patients of all descriptions.

But instead we are happy aiming low and justify the poor state of maternity care by going along saying we can't afford x, y or z and everyone suffers in the process of doing so. Instead we play one person off against another having to prioritise whose need is 'more important' and have several posters accusing people who have mental health needs of 'being selfish' and putting their needs above others. Well that's just bullying bullshit.

I had very severe anxiety throughout my pregnancy and I had the best treatment going for it. The problem was acknowledged as being essential to my mental health and DH was allowed to stay in a private room with me. It was arranged well in advance which in itself was helpful for my anxiety. Midwife support would have been entirely inappropriate in my case and again this was recognised. Sadly it seems my experience is the exception rather than the rule.

What it ultimately comes down to, is maternity services in the UK are not fit for purpose and all to often fail to address the mental health needs of lots of different types of women - from those who are vulnerable to men to those who are in genuine need of support from their partners. Something that has been recognised in a large study on maternal mental health provision. And fuck me, even UKIP (!!!!!) have stuck a pledge to try and improve this in their manifesto! (I hasten to add that I suspect that they don't have a clue what this actually entails though and if they did would have a bit of a shit fit. However the fact they have recognised its a subject that wins votes of a disenchanted section of the electorate is somewhat telling)

Some of you on this thread should be utterly ashamed of your attitudes and your inability to appreciate that the NHS should be proving care based on treating women as individuals with a range of incredibly different needs - none of which should trump someone else's. The report into maternal mental health provision even said that poor services were currently costing £8 BILLION a year and they estimate just £331 million a year would drastically change things and bring standards up to the basic recommendation.

Imagine if we just invested the £8 billion rather than just burning it like we currently do.

My kids are 17 and 12 and partners were not allowed-under any circumstances-to stay on the ward at night.I laboured on my own during the night with both of them on the pre-natal ward, and DH was only allowed in(he was sleeping in the car!) once I was taken to the labour ward to actually give birth.
I was in a pretty bad way after I had DS (first born) and spent 6 days in hospital and having someone else's other half sleeping just feet away would've made me very uncomfortable indeed. I'm quite a private person and, to be honest, I didn't like sharing a room with other women but at least they had been through something similar to me.If partners had been allowed to stay,I would've discharged myself, even though I wasn't very well.

I actually prefer wards to private rooms.

But I know I may be unusual in that!

The reason for wards is that many more people can be looked after at once, which makes sense in an environment where cost is a large consideration.

Can I ask, would anyone have a problem with my wife staying on the ward post birth with me?

I genuinely don't mean to be inflammatory, I just suffer from hospital related anxiety re being left alone (due to previous surgery).

We are both women and I appreciate this makes it different..

Some of you on this thread should be utterly ashamed of your attitudes and your inability to appreciate that the NHS should be proving care based on treating women as individuals with a range of incredibly different needs - none of which should trump someone else's. The report into maternal mental health provision even said that poor services were currently costing £8 BILLION a year and they estimate just £331 million a year would drastically change things and bring standards up to the basic recommendation.

Sadly, maternity services are not the only call on the NHS. Whilst I can see that for some women there is a genuine need to have their partners on hand, for others it's just a want. So yes, ideally there should be more private rooms to allow for genuine need (for whatever reason), but I wouldn't want scarce resources to be spent providing them for all. I'd rather it was spent on more/better trained midwives and then go to other departments.

Fluffy, I doubt many, if any, would mind. In this particular set of circumstances, the sex of the partner does make a difference, I think for a variety of reasons.

The reason for wards is that many more people can be looked after at once, which makes sense in an environment where cost is a large consideration.

Please do not forget it should be Cost v Value for money.

Sometimes investing in the more expensive option means the longer term effects are better value.

There is a huge case to be made for this throughout the NHS. IMHO this is where all the 'cuts' are fucking up, because they end up costing us more somewhere else because people lack joined up thinking. People just see price tags rather than downstream costs.

Can I ask, would anyone have a problem with my wife staying on the ward post birth with me?

If she was quiet and considerate etc. it wouldn't bother me like it would having a man there. I would feel freer to have my breasts out trying to feed and less embarrassed talking about my medical needs in earshot.

But honestly, I don't think ANY partners or relatives should be able to stay. People need peace, quiet, space and privacy when recovering and having four people in a small ward (four patients) is very different than eight (patients plus a loved one).

Sadly, maternity services are not the only call on the NHS. Whilst I can see that for some women there is a genuine need to have their partners on hand, for others it's just a want. So yes, ideally there should be more private rooms to allow for genuine need (for whatever reason), but I wouldn't want scarce resources to be spent providing them for all. I'd rather it was spent on more/better trained midwives and then go to other departments.

Its like fucking Bingo. As I said before in case you missed it:

But instead we are happy aiming low and justify the poor state of maternity care by going along saying we can't afford x, y or z and everyone suffers in the process of doing so.

The report into maternal mental health provision even said that poor services were currently costing £8 BILLION a year and they estimate just £331 million a year would drastically change things and bring standards up to the basic recommendation.

Imagine if we just invested the £8 billion rather than just burning it like we currently do.

Sorry but why are you accepting poor care, when there are reports saying we SHOULD be investing in order TO SAVE?

Why does everyone repeat parrot-like that we can't afford things when its clear that poor use of finances is the very problem.

Jesus, this thread is upsetting. What has happened to get us to a stage where we have such little respect for post natal women and their babies that we tell them to sleep and recover with a room full of strange men. I don't currently live in the uk, and this thread puts me off ever returning.

milky - yes, I appreciate I may want DP to stay with me when the time comes but I know he'd feel very uncomfortable staying if there are women discussing gynaecological issues and in tears over breastfeeding etc.

fluffy - my feeling about the ward being patients only is the same irrespective of the sex of the partner.

I have recently heard that this has started at our local hospital. A friend who is a mw there told me and she doesn't agree with it either. I would talk to the mw before your birth and post birth and ask for a private room. I would also consider a letter before the birth to the head mw. I disagree with this new policy. It has a complete lack of disregard of the feelings of all women. It does not make any sense to me. I think visiting hours could be extended to help those women who feel they need their partners with them more but not sleeping overnight and sleeping next to post-natal women they don't know.

RedToothBrush - I think if you are really ill and on a ward with other really ill people, a ward is better than a private room. I have been in that situation and you feel too ill to chat or read, but watching things happening on the ward is enough to keep you entertained.

Everyone's Business - The Campaign for Maternal Mental Health

More on the report conducted by London School of Economics and the Centre for Mental Health and the £8.1 billion bill