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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want strange men sleeping next to me post operative?

568 replies

bracingair · 26/04/2015 12:35

I am due to have a c-section in UCLH and I was chatting to one of the midwives. She said post natal you are in a 4 bedded bay. Partners can sleep over, and they don't like the curtains closed so they can keep an eye on u. This is not my first so very likely DH will not stay overnight.

I think it is wonderful that women can have their partners over if they want, but I do not want someone else's partner right by me! I know resources are stretched but I think it is putting me in a position I am very uncomfortable with. AIBU and if not, what can I do about this?

OP posts:
Horsemad · 26/04/2015 17:39

I'm appalled at this. Didn't realise it happened, thought you were in a private room if if your DP stayed over.

I had a private room with both my babies (last one 16yrs ago) but DH wasn't allowed to stay past 8pm.

I preferred it that way tbh. I'd have gone mad if I'd had to go on the ward and men were there, although I don't think they were allowed to stay there either.

It sounds like a cattle market, and women need to be given the opportunity to recover from their birth in privacy.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 26/04/2015 17:40

Nobody's asking you to justify it BoB. Just pointing out that you can't possibly know whether other patients minded, you're making a lot of assumptions when you say they didn't, and that other women may have had reasons for not wanting men staying overnight that were just as legitimate as your need for your partner.

expatinscotland · 26/04/2015 17:42

'I'd have tried to meet the needs of the other patient half way by requesting that they check to see if there was another ward either of us could be on that met our needs better, or if I was possiby well enough with extra support trying to get an early discharge or as a last resort negotiating a later visiting time cut off and an early return the next morning. If not possible to resolve in that way then if rules permitted my DH would be staying.'

It's a hospital, not a hotel. Another ward? It's a postnatal unit, what other ward will 'meet our needs' better after having a baby and allow a strange man who is not a patient to stay over?

fatlazymummy · 26/04/2015 17:45

abbeyroad I was wondering if this was due to the increase in C sections. When I was in hospital (very brief work experience in maternity) and then 6 days as a patient sections definitely were the exception to the rule, and those patients usually were given side rooms. I never heard of a partner staying overnight, either in the side rooms or in the bays. Nor did I ever hear anyone express a wish or need for it.

TedAndLola · 26/04/2015 17:45

I'd have tried to meet the needs of the other patient half way by requesting that they check to see if there was another ward either of us could be on that met our needs better, or if I was possiby well enough with extra support trying to get an early discharge or as a last resort negotiating a later visiting time cut off and an early return the next morning. If not possible to resolve in that way then if rules permitted my DH would be staying.

You are a very selfish person, but you know that already. Shame on you.

soverylucky · 26/04/2015 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/04/2015 17:48

MummaV I'm completely shocked that your DH was asked to leave! Especially as other fathers were still around, that seems very wrong. If I were you I'd be asking for a debrief, and if I didn't get it, go through PALS to find out what the hell they were playing at.

soverylucky · 26/04/2015 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/04/2015 17:50

If they're not in use, I don't see why they can't be there for women who Really Need their partner with them, as it appears Bob did

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 26/04/2015 17:51

fatlaztmummy that's the impression I got, as I think about a third of births are sections now, possibly more where I was as north London has slightly older mothers.
I wasn't exactly expecting a section, I had placenta praevia and it kept moving about, last scan I was told vaginal birth would be fine then had a premature emcs. So if someone with a premature baby and emergency section who was still connected to bags of blood etc doesn't get a side room there can't be enough for everyone that's had a section. I got one eventually, I think day 5 or 6, can't really remember now

Higgle · 26/04/2015 17:51

If the rules were in my favour I'd rely on them. If DHs not permitted then I'd obviously have to put up with it. Why is it selfish to take advantage of what the hospital rules permit?

Higgle · 26/04/2015 17:53

Surely "private" rooms are there for anyone who wants to pay for them, are we suggesting really sick people should have to pay for a single room? they should be allocated to those who need them most.

ImperialBlether · 26/04/2015 17:54

however to ensure we were both able to be of some use to our DD we had to take shifts sleeping in the bed/chair which definitely took its toll on my recovery.

I know Nanny0gg has mentioned this but I have to, too!

MummaV - you had a forceps delivery and had to take turns sleeping on the chair? And your husband, who hadn't had a forceps delivery, slept on the bed? Shame on him and shame on the nurses for not turfing him out.

I think this is one of the worst things I've read on MN. Selfish, lazy bastard.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 26/04/2015 17:54

MummaV - you took turns sleeping in a chair. Shock Shock

funnyossity · 26/04/2015 17:54

But I thought you had trumped the hospital rules by quoting article 8 of Human Rights legislation brought in response to WW2 genocides?

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 26/04/2015 17:54

You can pay for a private room but if someone with medical need needs it you get bumped out.

FayKorgasm · 26/04/2015 17:54

higgle having your dh there is a want not a need for you. Your needs are met.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 26/04/2015 17:56

The point about hospitals not being set up to post-op wards is interesting, since it's not so long since even women who'd had straightforward VBs stayed in for a week or more and weren't supposed to get out of bed much during that time. My gran's VBs in the 60s resulted in a longer stay than my recent EMCS, and where I was encouraged to get up and walk around once I was able, she was shouted at for getting out of bed to pick up her dropped magazine without permission! I realise not many midwives now were around in the 60s, but plenty of the hospitals were. In fact my gran was in the same hospital as I was.

fatlazymummy · 26/04/2015 17:57

abbey perhaps the answer is to have part of the ward dedicated to post op care for patients who have had sections, and patients who need further intervention (D and C, blood transfusionds, etc), with a higher staffing level.

expatinscotland · 26/04/2015 17:58

'I think this is one of the worst things I've read on MN. Selfish, lazy bastard.'

Plenty of midwives have mentioned they have experience of this happening not uncommonly, the mother is sat in a chair and the man is kipping on the bed, shoes on.

Some women on here on past threads about this subject have been subject to threats by men if they don't 'shut that fucking baby up'.

When I had one of my children a partner, during visiting hours, was caught in our toilet shooting up drugs.

It's a bad idea for many, many reasons.

whois · 26/04/2015 17:58

Whenever we have these types of threads on MN about post natal care (or, rather, lack of it) it makes me feel extremely bad for everyone that has had to go through such a difficult time, and horrified at the thought of getting pg.

The only reason partners are being allowed to stay is to reduce staffing. If wards were properly staffed there wouldn't be any bed to have people stay over night with you.

Looks like the cost of a private delivery is around £8k+. That's a pretty big chunk out of the trash of most people but the other option seems to be pretty third world care.

Higgle · 26/04/2015 17:59

Perhaps that having lost two babies before DS2 arrived and having experienced the most apalling treatment at our local NHS hosptal when I arrived covered in Chicken pox and was told there was no need for me to be seated separately I have needs too!

petalunicorn · 26/04/2015 18:00

My own experience was relief when the men got sent home, when they were there they were either selfishly noisy (that includes the stage whispering, which is worse than just being noisy as it indicates they know they should shut up), watching the TV when people are trying to sleep and I had the misfortune to be near to a heavy smoker who stank the room out.

My friend is a midwife and I couldn't help remembering her story of an abusive husband who came in after his wife had given birth and started having sex with her behind the curtains before the midwives stopped him.

Many men are disgusting, nasty pigs and I wouldn't want to be vulnerable anywhere near them. People's safety trumps the selfish people who want their partner with them. I also don't understand why people want themselves and their partner sleep deprived, send them home for a proper sleep so they can look after you properly when you get home.

ImperialBlether · 26/04/2015 18:02

Of course you do, Higgle. As do ALL women. Your needs don't override theirs and vice versa.

If there were enough nurses and if you had a healthy baby then there would be no reason for you to have your partner with you - don't you agree?

SirChenjin · 26/04/2015 18:03

Higgle - why don't you go private? You seem very down on the NHS.

Lots of women have miscarriages before giving birth - but most of us are still able to show consideration for other women on the postnatal wards by not demanding that our DH/Ps stay over.

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