AIBU to not want strange men sleeping next to me post operative?

[bracingair]

I am due to have a c-section in UCLH and I was chatting to one of the midwives. She said post natal you are in a 4 bedded bay. Partners can sleep over, and they don't like the curtains closed so they can keep an eye on u. This is not my first so very likely DH will not stay overnight.

I think it is wonderful that women can have their partners over if they want, but I do not want someone else's partner right by me! I know resources are stretched but I think it is putting me in a position I am very uncomfortable with. AIBU and if not, what can I do about this?

higgle- Of course though, for a lot of women the choice ends up being not having a partner with them themselves, and still having to put up with other peoples'. That will be the case for many couples with older children, plus single parents, plus ones with partners who have to work, etc, etc, etc.

For us, I think we would've accepted either way. But post natally I needed him desperately. I have no idea how I would've met my babies needs alone.

If that is the case, the ward was chronically understaffed. Which is the real issue. And what about the women without partners, did they just have to accept that their baby's needs wouldn't be met?

It would have driven me to consider homebirth.
I don't think anyone objects to some families in greater need using a side room Bob. It's the rather new expectation that fathers will be welcome to spend 24 hours on the ward, regardless of the impact on other patients.

LadyCatherine not at all, my oh was in the side room with me the whole time. I fail to see how he disturbed anyone. He was pretty good, he went out when it was visiting times anyway, did not use patient toilets. Did not go out of the room at night etc. If it was a case he was on the shared room, I could see where you was coming from but he wasn't.

higgle what would you do if you were brought to a ward with your dh after insisting he stay and a woman who had been abused objected and there was no private rooms? Genuine question.

See Turquoises post above. The partner of the woman in the bed next to her peered through a gap in the curtains while she was trying to breastfeed. Just one small example of how a woman's privacy can be so easily violated.

My husband was told he couldn't stay, or at least that it's not advised, yet the lady next to me had a fold up bed offered to her husband!! We were allowed to close the curtains but that doesn't stop the noise and lights

Lots of women don't want men to stay for a variety of fully justified reasons. But given the ethnic diversity of particularly London these days, there is presumably a whole section of mums for whom having strange men around while unveiled is also a problem? I don't think this reason is actually any more justified than any other but I presume there must consideration of this position? Otherwise, I could see those mums feeling that they can't attend hospital?

I can see that you fail to see how your DH disturbed anyone BoB but again, you cannot possibly know whether other women minded him being there overnight. You don't know if they felt less safe with him there. Good for him for not using the patient loos and staying in the room at night, but the other women there won't have known he was going to do so and in any case he couldn't have been made to.

YANBU. I'd look at switching hospitals, tbh.

It's funny penguin, I sort of doubt it was understaffed although maybe the mix (in terms of skill level) was wrong. There were a lot of staff and they responded reasonably promptly but often wouldn't help.

For example I asked for help to get to the loo. The hca refused to help me to the loo but would look after my baby. A visitor helped me (I was waiting for a transfusion and had fainted the last time I had tried to use the loo alone) and hca held the baby

Tbh I doubt there were enough staff to pass me the baby everytime she needed something (as immediately post c section you can't usually get to the cot and pick them up) but at the same time that seems a reasonably unrealistic expectation.

Some of the partners are not even the fathers of the babies.

I had a rather traumatic forceps delivery 11 days ago. 4 hours after the birth of my DD, whilst I was still rather numb from the spinal, tied to the bed by a catheter and in a lot of pain my husband was asked to leave as visiting hours were over. I was told I could not move to attend to my baby due to my recovery and if she cried or needed attention I had to press the call bell and wait. a few hours later (around midnight) I noticed that the partners of the other ladies on my ward were still around. This was incredibly distressing for me. A first time mum left with a new born that I was unable to bond with or attend to without a 10 minute wait for a midwife to appear when others on the ward in much better shape still had their partners around until the early hours. I was so distressed by this the next day I developed an upset stomach and ended up being moved to a side room (in case I was infectious), luckily my DH was able to stay for the 3 nights we were in the side room however to ensure we were both able to be of some use to our DD we had to take shifts sleeping in the bed/chair which definitely took its toll on my recovery. However it did help my DH bond with DD in a way he wouldn't otherwise have for those first few days.

Side rooms or mixed and single sex wards are required in this situation. I was very uncomfortable knowing strange men were around me when I was at my most vulnerable when my own DH was not there even if I was hidden behind the curtains.

I've helped others to the loo. And hobbled over to pass them their breakfasts. It was not compassion central at our local hospital. I doubt half the ward having their partners there would have improved the situation - because the other half might feel even more abandoned.

Cross post with MummaV.

They arent letting dad's stay as a kindness to mums. Or for the sake of bonding. They are letting them stay for the same reason as higgle describes as the reason for being there every possible minute for other patients: it's cheaper than staffing at a level that is necessary.

when mine was born 8 years ago, the dads couldnt stay. But the two nurses/mw (i dont even know what they were) on staff overnight werent at all enough to really support as many mums and newborns as were there. (5 of the 8 beds in our ward was filled. A semi-private room next door had one patient, the second semi-private was empty, I dont know how many were in the second ward. Enough that when we got served meals second, our servings were scanty and main options were unavailable, but food in hospitals is another thread.) So, 11 of 20 beds in the unit and just 2 staff. If you needed help in the middle of the night, you waited a long time or were 'encouraged' to manage on your own = told no help available.

Wasnt much better in the day, but with husbands and visitors, you didnt notice so much.

I understand why people want to have their partners with them, I've been there where there was no support from midwives through the night, and I was ill with undiagnosed retained placenta, anaemia and a bowel blockage. At that point all I wanted was the support of my partner, at that point I probably didn't even consider the other women on the ward, I was desperately ill and just wanted to lie in bed. I don't think that women should "just get on with it", because sometimes it isn't as easy as that.

I still don't agree with allowing men to stay on a ward of post-birth women and babies, I think the way things are right now in general aren't great for women, adding partners only makes it harder for many reasons mentioned in thread.

I think wards where sharing is the norm don't work very well for the purpose of caring for women after giving birth, other than in very broad medical terms. I've experienced just as much discomfort from being around other women strangers as with other male strangers. I hate that it is deemed necessary for me to be in a hospital setting to give birth, because the whole experience isn't pleasant to me. The more privacy I had, the better it felt, and privacy is hard to come by when all that separates you from everyone else is a curtain. It's definitely a lot easier to forget the rest of the world when you are in hospital ill, rather than simply just exhausted after labour with a very active, very loud baby.

It was easier when the midwives were able to help me out, as opposed the the first experience when I was ignored for hours and couldn't figure out a nappy and was panicking because everything was a huge challenge because I was feeling so awful.

I'm not sure of the answer, if it were simply to have a homebirth for me, I'd do that without second thought, but because of complications I don't even think that is possible for me. I just know that with my second, I had no partner, and even with men not allowed to stay overnight, I found the ward setting difficult. I would not want that added to with partners as well.

LadyCatherine I actually feel quite uncomfortable feeling like I have to justify my partner staying in a private side room with me. All I can say it was a decision made by the head midwife and a mental health team not a case of me demanding it.

I can say though that the side room In my local hospital is not right near the shared wards so I would have thought that if anyone asked why my oh was with me, they would have been told it was special circumstances and my oh would not have been anywhere near the shared wards. He would have passed countless staff members, reception etc. It's not a case that he poked his head out of the door and bang there is the shared ward.

A homebirth isn't really the answer as I'm sure a huge number of patients end up on the post natal ward unplanned. I could've started a homebirth but certainly wouldn't have had my crash section there

I'd have tried to meet the needs of the other patient half way by requesting that they check to see if there was another ward either of us could be on that met our needs better, or if I was possiby well enough with extra support trying to get an early discharge or as a last resort negotiating a later visiting time cut off and an early return the next morning. If not possible to resolve in that way then if rules permitted my DH would be staying.

Yeah we get it Higgle.

however to ensure we were both able to be of some use to our DD we had to take shifts sleeping in the bed/chair which definitely took its toll on my recovery. However it did help my DH bond with DD in a way he wouldn't otherwise have for those first few days.

You slept in the chair?? After a forceps delivery? I can't believe I've just read that.

Are you telling me that the only way your DH could 'bond' with your baby was a) staying in the hospital and b) getting a comfy sleep?

If my gast wasn't so flabbered I'd go and ask my DH how he managed to bond with our children when they didn't sleep under the same roof for over a week!

I know where you're coming from, BoB. I'd have given anything for DH to be able to stay with me in the side room at the dangerously understaffed, filthy and negligent ward I was on when I had DS. He was allowed to stay a little longer than visiting hours but that was an unofficial decision.

The answer isn't our DHs staying with us, though. It's a safe maternity facility that is adequately staffed and cleaned.

I am amazed this is happening. Private/side rooms - fine. But in a ward?? It's so ludicrous it seems it somehow must be wrong. There is barely enough room to swing a cat around this beds as it is.

This is a fig leaf for the massive understaffing problem. Also (imo) it shows that we need single rooms in public hospitals for basic dignity. Other countries manage that.

I forgot who asked now but at my hospital the partner stayed on a reclining chair.

I know everyone thinks their partner is lovely but if you were in with me it was like EastEnders with all the arguing and shouting. I had eight days of that on the ward. For most it's just an overnight thing and perhaps not as annoying as a week of it. I was given a side room towards the end as I think they took pity on me.

My HV used to be a midwife and she said that a lot of hospitals aren't set up to be post operative wards since the increase in c sections and a lot of the midwives resent having to be post operative nurses, which is interesting. She agreed with my opinion that the partners are a cost saving e.g. fetching meals, water, passing you the baby, fetching painkillers etc