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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To actually not like my Mum

206 replies

Mrchubster · 22/04/2015 21:02

I have always had a strange relationship with Mum. Although I don't doubt she loves me, since my parents divorce 25 years ago, it's like our roles have reversed. I'm the mother, she's the child.

Approx 10 years ago she moved 150 miles to be near us and as she was retiring it made sense. At the same time I was pregnant with DS and thought how lovely it would be to have her close.

How wrong was I?! She is massively needy with a big dose of passive aggression. Everything is "poor me". She has made very few friends since moving here and so her whole world seems to revolve around d me and my DCs. Trouble is I don't enjoy her company, we have nothing in common and she only talks about herself, doesn't want to put herself out. She can be very critical of other people which I find wearing.. I can tell her something quite important and it will go in one ear and out the other. She'll then phone 2 days later wanting to discuss the issue. Well, no thanks I've moved on!

If I confront her behaviour she gets all teary I'm on my own, no one cares about me" etc...

Sadly I alsoI find her embarrassing company to be with. At a recent family event she spoke over everyone, talked about me as though I wasn't in the room and generally lacked any social skills.

It's now at the point where I don't tell her anything personsal because she just doesn't listen. It's a standing joke with me and DH that no matter what you tell her, she'll change the subject! I look at her sometimes and wonder how the hell we're related!

I feel angry, sad and guilty in equal portions. Guilty that I encouraged her to move here ( although I have said if she wanted to move back I'd be fine), and because I shouldn't feel like that towards my mum.
Sad because I would so love a close relationship with her (am quite envious of friends who are close to their mums). Angry that she just doesn't get it.

Her whole life seems to revolve around me and the DCs which I find suffocating. I have given her info on the local WI, church, gardening clubs but she's not interested. She has made very little effort to make any friends.

Her health isn't good, mainly caused by poor lifestyle (which admittedly I'm not very sympathetic about) and so she's doing less and less, becoming more dependant. I feel such a huge weight of responsibility to be everything to her, it has the opposite effect of driving me away.

DB lives 300 miles away and keeps his distance for exactly the same reasons.

She's 70 btw. I know I should accept her for who she is and get so frustrated with myself for having any expectations of a close mother/daughter bond. Sorry to bang on

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 22/04/2015 21:06

YANBU.

My mum's record for moaning down the phone without me literally being allowed a word in edgeways is 37 minutes.

I get you, I really do.

LindyHemming · 22/04/2015 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maddening · 22/04/2015 21:10

Is this a new thing - has she changed over the last few years?

Original poster
Mrchubster · 22/04/2015 21:17

She's been like this for at least 20 years but previously had work, other activities to occupy her. It's definitely got worse though now she has more time on her hands.

I'm sure she has depression; childhood issues, weight problems, health problems but afraid I've heard it all so many times and just cannot be her personal therapist (sorry, that sounds dreadful).
She just refuses to take any personal responsibility and would rather wallow in self pity.
I think she may have been on/off medication over the years.

OP posts:
ALittleFaith · 22/04/2015 21:20

Have you ever considered that she might have narcissistic personality disorder?

Original poster
Mrchubster · 22/04/2015 21:22

Ooh will Google NPD!

What makes me feel really bad is that she totally relies on me, there is no one else to take her out, chat, enjoy life with.

OP posts:
bonbonbonbon · 22/04/2015 21:23

I empathize. My DM is the same. She is also totally lacking in self-awareness. i feel very little warmth toward her, if any, because of how needy and passive aggressive she is. She wants to have this really deep bond with my sister and I, but can't see how her behaviour is pushing us away. When she does acknowledge her actions she jokes about it like it's funny, but never takes any responsibility.

I made a firm decision when I had my dd that emotional burdens only be passed laterally or up, never down onto my children. My problems are not their responsibility.

bonbonbonbon · 22/04/2015 21:26

Are you sure we don't have the same mother?? Mine is also anorexic, attention-seeking, depressed, neurotic, and her emotional needines is like a black hole.

christinarossetti · 22/04/2015 21:26

She sounds very similar to my mother. I don't like her, although definitely feel a sense of pity, duty and responsibility towards her.

She lives 100 miles away and I limit the contact I have with her. I don't have any expectations of a close relationship, which helps me not feel disappointed in her. Through years of therapy, I've extracted myself from feeling guilty, or as though I owe her something or as thought it's my job to look after her.

This is a relief and has definitely made me happier, and although I'm sympathetic to her problems, I no longer see them as mine.

From what you describe, you need to find a way of lowering/altering your expectations. If she chooses not to have other relationships or interests, it's really not your job to fill in those gaps.

Although, as I said, it's taken me years of therapy to get there myself!

Chocolatefudgebrownieicecream · 22/04/2015 21:28

YANBU. With every paragraph I thought more and more.... I could have written this. It is infuriating.... And it is odd isn't it how their life revolves around you and your family.... Yet she barely listens to a word you say.... If you say something, anything, she has always done one better(or worse). Her example is always more exaggerated. Nothing can ever be actually about you. Well that's how it is for me. Still love her though!

Original poster
Mrchubster · 22/04/2015 21:29

You are so right bonbon. I would be mortified to think I'd have a similar relationship with my DD. I cling to the fact I have a very different personality to my DM!

OP posts:
Mrsbigley · 22/04/2015 21:29

My DM similar with the not listening and the talking over everyone. Recently found out she has hearing difficulties and shes been struggling to admit it- doesnt want to admit getting old.

LexiLexi · 22/04/2015 21:31

YANBU she sounds just like my mother, except mine only wants to see DS 3 times a year and when she does, she is constantly taking photos, which we find offensive.

Sorry that you are feeling under pressure. It sounds like you've been supportive and understanding, despite all of this.

If you and your family are finding the situation oppressive you could set limits on time together so that everyone feels less stressed and drained. A mutual venue, or perhaps meet at her place so you can leave when you've had enough of her self pity!

Original poster
Mrchubster · 22/04/2015 21:34

Bonbon...almost the same but she's obese! (Had a gastric band fitted 5 years but sabotaged it. That's a whole other different thread!!)

Christina, "disappointed", that's the word I was looking for. Everytime I feel like we're remotely on the same page she'll do/say something to bring it all crashing down and I'll be left wondering g why I even bothered.

OP posts:
MrsPeterQuill · 22/04/2015 21:35

I could have written your post. Even paragraph you wrote, I thought, yep, that's my relationship with my mother.

I have no answers though OP but yanbu. I just distance myself from her more and more. One of my kids had a serious health issue a few years ago and DM somehow managed to make it about her. I don't think I've ever forgiven her for that (among other things, if I'm honest.)

Original poster
Mrchubster · 22/04/2015 21:37

Lexi, she only lives 5 mins away and will drop in whenever she's driving past. I dread to think what would happen if I told her not to do it. She adores the DCs and loves seeing them as often as she can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrchubster · 22/04/2015 21:40

MrsPeter, I know what you mean. It's like she just can't function in the here/now and listen to other people. DS was recently diagnosed with dyslexia and when I told DM she just started on about how lucky DS was because no one took any notice of her when she was a child!

OP posts:
LexiLexi · 22/04/2015 22:01

Mrchubster I really feel for you.

ALittleFaith mentioned NPD, I wonder if she might have some aspects of Histrionic Personality Disorder too, as the two often go together? Hard that the rest of the family are so far away too.

kennyp · 22/04/2015 22:04

that was exactly what my mother was like, especially the "i'm on my own" bit.

to cut a long story short i haven't spoken to my mother for over a decade.

am really sorry you're in this position. it's really tough and depressig and drags you down hugely and i hope something gets betterr for you soon.

measles64 · 22/04/2015 22:09

I feel all your pain, it took me 50 odd years to work out that I was not in the wrong, my brothers worked it out years earlier and fled. Read this ladies analysis and the penny will drop. www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

Maki79 · 22/04/2015 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 22/04/2015 22:27

Totally not unreasonable. My mother modeled herself on Edina Moon (her honest idol), only with a good dose of physical abuse along with the mental. She thought she was hilarious, a 'mate', would never get old. I just saw her as an embarrassment.

Charley50 · 22/04/2015 22:35

Yeah I feel similarly towards my mum. She's not overbearing but she just doesn't have any close friends and tries to make me feel guilty about it, like I should be her friend. It's difficult.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/04/2015 22:40

My Dm is exactly the same. So many of these posts ring so true. Yanbu.
Every time she leaves I resolve to be nicer to her on the next visit, and on the next visit she has me screaming internally within seconds. She talks drivel, absolutely awful drivel.
Racist, daily mail reader, ignorant, self absorbed.
She worked so hard to retire early and now she's bored, bored, bored. Has everything she wants and us just bitter.

Hidingmyidentity · 22/04/2015 22:45

I also could have written your post,

I look at her sometimes and wonder how the hell we're related- this made me laugh I've been thinking this about mine since I was a child.