To actually not like my Mum

[Mrchubster]

I have always had a strange relationship with Mum. Although I don't doubt she loves me, since my parents divorce 25 years ago, it's like our roles have reversed. I'm the mother, she's the child.

Approx 10 years ago she moved 150 miles to be near us and as she was retiring it made sense. At the same time I was pregnant with DS and thought how lovely it would be to have her close.

How wrong was I?! She is massively needy with a big dose of passive aggression. Everything is "poor me". She has made very few friends since moving here and so her whole world seems to revolve around d me and my DCs. Trouble is I don't enjoy her company, we have nothing in common and she only talks about herself, doesn't want to put herself out. She can be very critical of other people which I find wearing.. I can tell her something quite important and it will go in one ear and out the other. She'll then phone 2 days later wanting to discuss the issue. Well, no thanks I've moved on!

If I confront her behaviour she gets all teary I'm on my own, no one cares about me" etc...

Sadly I alsoI find her embarrassing company to be with. At a recent family event she spoke over everyone, talked about me as though I wasn't in the room and generally lacked any social skills.

It's now at the point where I don't tell her anything personsal because she just doesn't listen. It's a standing joke with me and DH that no matter what you tell her, she'll change the subject! I look at her sometimes and wonder how the hell we're related!

I feel angry, sad and guilty in equal portions. Guilty that I encouraged her to move here ( although I have said if she wanted to move back I'd be fine), and because I shouldn't feel like that towards my mum.
Sad because I would so love a close relationship with her (am quite envious of friends who are close to their mums). Angry that she just doesn't get it.

Her whole life seems to revolve around me and the DCs which I find suffocating. I have given her info on the local WI, church, gardening clubs but she's not interested. She has made very little effort to make any friends.

Her health isn't good, mainly caused by poor lifestyle (which admittedly I'm not very sympathetic about) and so she's doing less and less, becoming more dependant. I feel such a huge weight of responsibility to be everything to her, it has the opposite effect of driving me away.

DB lives 300 miles away and keeps his distance for exactly the same reasons.

She's 70 btw. I know I should accept her for who she is and get so frustrated with myself for having any expectations of a close mother/daughter bond. Sorry to bang on

It is my life's work not to turn into my mum.

I think the PP really hit on something when she talked about the generational differences in how women were socialized. I see this a lot with older female colleagues at work and people's of my generation (genx) mothers in general. They have a hard time expressing strong negative emotions in positive ways, taking ownership of their feelings, so you get this passive-aggressive acting out behaviour instead because they really do want something/want to express something but don't know how to get it without acting out. It's not their fault, but it's still freaking annoying.

not read thread but I feel lots of people become more selfish or talk about themselves as they get this old, perhaps its starting death in the face?

I cant imagine how I would feel at this age in this situation, I would feel awful and that would not help me, behave in a normal way.

Loneliness can do awful things. We have images of how our life will pan out, how awful to be trapped near a dd who doesn't like you.

Op I do feel your pain, no one could be more embarrassing than my own DM< she always said wrong thing, but her heart was in the right place.

Unless peoples mothers have been geniunly awful I really hope people can find something in them to be kind.

I am in the thick of it with my toddler at the moment I am really struggling, I have no help, I am dreading every day for the next year, I find this a tough age. I do my best, and I hope one day she can like me. My life has been ruined really due to DC and I have devoted myself to them. I hope one day, even if I vote for the wrong party ( in their eyes) or I say the the wrong thing, or I talk to much about myself, I hope they can be kind. And as Mothers themselves ( hopefully) think of all the sleepless nights, worries, money struggles, and sacrifices.

Op your DM sounds like she is between rock and hard place.

I see where I would like to be in years to come, with DH in pleasant retirement somewhere. What if he dies, leaves me, at old age when you hope to have company your suddenly more alone than ever?

You have no one to talk too, no confidence to join clubs because your alone, you go home alone, to empty house, no one to talk too. Maybe your own sibs or friends have moved or passed on, your afraid as you feel tension, it makes you nervous, its hard.

Try and make her join clubs go with her, insist.

sugar (if you're still reading) It's awful to be alone without family. It's very very lonely.

I had one beloved adoptive mother and one very unpleasant stepmother and one batshit crazy biological mother (think hands road throat, waving knives, kicking children curled up on the floor).

I also have one much nicer father. Except he isn't. He seems nice, but in 35 years he hasn't said one nice thing about me. Only nasty comments behind my back. He's given everything away of mine and there are no photos of my family. He also gets furious if I don't do exactly what he says, when he says it. When I had sepsis at 14 weeks preg I told him. He made no answer whatsoever (the baby and I were very, very lucky to come through - specially the baby). But then got cross with me for not answering 2 emails of his. Had I died in a ditch he wouldnt have cared other than saying "oh dear, what a pity". Due to lack of money I was once severely underweight (Not an eating disorder). I couldnt have gone to him for money even for food.

Yet he seems lovely.

A lot of posters on here have experience of what seems nice but is hollow or worse, malicious under the surface.

From bitter experience, sometimes you can long for a family but what you get is horrible. It looks lovely but the price is too high.

At the same time being alone is truly miserable. It hurts like hell. So I do understand. But honestly, families are like people en masse: some bring joy and love to your lives. Some are unpleasant.

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To quote yet again from perfectstorm:

I will never fathom why blood alone should mean you're forced to let people hurt you over and over again, as long as they aren't physically or sexually abusive. It makes no sense. Life is too short to let bad/damaged people screw with you, no matter who they are, unless they are your own kids. You don't owe anyone else your unconditional love and time.

Is your mum my mum?!