To actually not like my Mum

[Mrchubster]

I have always had a strange relationship with Mum. Although I don't doubt she loves me, since my parents divorce 25 years ago, it's like our roles have reversed. I'm the mother, she's the child.

Approx 10 years ago she moved 150 miles to be near us and as she was retiring it made sense. At the same time I was pregnant with DS and thought how lovely it would be to have her close.

How wrong was I?! She is massively needy with a big dose of passive aggression. Everything is "poor me". She has made very few friends since moving here and so her whole world seems to revolve around d me and my DCs. Trouble is I don't enjoy her company, we have nothing in common and she only talks about herself, doesn't want to put herself out. She can be very critical of other people which I find wearing.. I can tell her something quite important and it will go in one ear and out the other. She'll then phone 2 days later wanting to discuss the issue. Well, no thanks I've moved on!

If I confront her behaviour she gets all teary I'm on my own, no one cares about me" etc...

Sadly I alsoI find her embarrassing company to be with. At a recent family event she spoke over everyone, talked about me as though I wasn't in the room and generally lacked any social skills.

It's now at the point where I don't tell her anything personsal because she just doesn't listen. It's a standing joke with me and DH that no matter what you tell her, she'll change the subject! I look at her sometimes and wonder how the hell we're related!

I feel angry, sad and guilty in equal portions. Guilty that I encouraged her to move here ( although I have said if she wanted to move back I'd be fine), and because I shouldn't feel like that towards my mum.
Sad because I would so love a close relationship with her (am quite envious of friends who are close to their mums). Angry that she just doesn't get it.

Her whole life seems to revolve around me and the DCs which I find suffocating. I have given her info on the local WI, church, gardening clubs but she's not interested. She has made very little effort to make any friends.

Her health isn't good, mainly caused by poor lifestyle (which admittedly I'm not very sympathetic about) and so she's doing less and less, becoming more dependant. I feel such a huge weight of responsibility to be everything to her, it has the opposite effect of driving me away.

DB lives 300 miles away and keeps his distance for exactly the same reasons.

She's 70 btw. I know I should accept her for who she is and get so frustrated with myself for having any expectations of a close mother/daughter bond. Sorry to bang on

No not a drinker... Type 2 diabetes, heart problems, arthritis (to name but a few!). All pretty much lifestyle caused and exacerbated by being massively overweight.

What I need to learn is how I can modify my own thoughts/actions to not accept her behaviour as such but let it go.

If ASD is the root of some on her behaviour, there are ways you can make things a little better. Take the wedding as an example. From her perspective, it may not have been obvious to her that there was anything she needed to do to help. If this were someone with a diagnosis of AS, I would ask them cleary simple and quite specific tasks, e.g. cut up this veg, one at a time rather than waiting for them to offer. They would probably feel happier knowing exactly what to do.

You might also feel better knowing that she possibly corners people and talks at them because she misses the cues from them that would tell the rest of us to shut up. Eating her fill is what you're supposed to do at BBQs isn't it? She might not realise that people could expect her to ensure that others had what they wanted or needed. Withdrawing to watch TV could again be because it didn't occur to her that it was a weird thing to do but also remember that people with ASD can find social interaction takes a lot of concentration and can be quite stressful. She may just have been exhausted. Watching a screen removes all those demands and allows you to relax and recover.

If you understand that she won't recognise social cues, it may make it easier for you to rescue people by interrupting and asking her to help you. You could openly ask her to hand food round and make sure everyone is served instead of assuming she knows it would be expected and, if you are aware that social interaction is hard work, you could perhaps offer her a less obvious way to withdraw for a rest.

Those strategies are still quite hard work but, hopefully, they won't involve so many negative emotions for you.

It's difficult to categorise because some of your mum's traits seem to be on the NPD spectrum - the needyness and self centred side, and not taking responsibility - blaming everyone, and that toxic negativity which is hard to be around. They don't make close friends, but for different reasons to those on the Autistic spectrum, who I find to be rather stoical and suffer in silence rather than draw attention to themselves.

Appearing to be needy and self centred and blaming other people for everything are very common behaviours amongst those on the autism spectrum.

People with ASD also commonly turn conversations around to themselves and their own needs and experiences because they find it hard to put themselves in other people's shoes. In fact my DD2's SALT worked on exactly this with her social skills group (11/12YOs with AS) in a lesson today.

I don't want to get into a debate about whether the OP's DM has ASD or not. That isn't our call to make. I have enough experience of ASD to have seen plenty of the types of behaviours the OP describes and to be able to relate them very clearly to the difficulties experienced by people with this condition. I'm suggesting that she reads around ASD herself to see if it gives her a greater understanding of her DM and some strategies to make both of their lives a little easier.

Nothing the OP has described sounds nasty, manipulative or abusive in any way. It just sounds like someone who is far too invested in her DD's family, has few social skills and has no idea of the impact of these on the people around her. My DD1 spent the first 12 years of her life wondering why nobody seemed to want to be around her much and why everyone else seemed to have some secret language and sets of rules that were completely bypassing her. Her diagnosis of AS explained it all for her and she felt hugely relieved to understand what it was all about. I have a feeling that the OP's DM has probably spent her whole life feeling that way too but she isn't likely to get that relief unless the OP decides ASD does describe her difficulties and decides it is a good idea to tell her.

My mother is like this. I just ignored it mostly until one day I said Oh FGS stop talking like that about us. She never spoke to me again and that was 3 years ago. These people never change My mum falls out with everyone but feels sorry for herself all teh time. I have never had so much peace even though it is very odd

Goldmandra - no I don't need to debate categorising the mum's traits either, but hope that OP will keep an open mind and decide herself.

Noddy - my mum used to fall out with everyone but always felt sorry for herself. Yes I think those types never change.

There is no deliberate malice, yes she is just far too needy, unaware of others feelings and way too dependant on me.

Yes, my Mum has always had a series of best friends.

Get this... one of them actually pretended to die so that she wouldn't have to talk to my Mum. I don't know which one of them is the more odd.

It happened on the Saturday before Xmas. DH was away and all I wanted to do was wrap up xmas presents for my children but no, I had these series of strange phone calls, ie "I will be dead tomorrow so look after your Mum" and "Tell your Mum not to phone me because I will be dead."

FFFFFFS.

WTAFFFFF?

My mother divorced my father nearly 30 years ago, and has spent nearly 29 years trying to get back together with him. I suspect the divorce was to teach him a lesson.

Anyway he broke ranks and remarried. His second wife died tragically, and my mother was on the phone to him within weeks about 'getting back together' and about how my Dsis and I, who had supported our dad throughout these worst of times, were 'a couple of bastards'.

I haven't spoken to her for years. Neither has my dad, fortunately.

Yanbu.
I love my mum because she's my mum, but i also admit she's not a very nice person.

Oh how sad. One day when you're mother is no longer around you might realise how lucky you were. You only get one mum. I wish i still had mine. I hope your children never think of you like that, remember, we often turn into our mothers!!

green that is unhelpful when people are going through this.

Bollocks green18.

I thought my dad was a cunt was he was alive, and I still think he's one now he's dead.

I'm sure Green is my mother

Yeah, now my mum isn't around green, I often sit and think about how lucky I was. How no other person in my life called me stupid and worthless the way she did. How I miss the unique guilt she could make me feel the many months she's been out of my life. How I miss crying myself to sleep, how I was often scared about what mood she would come home in, miss covering up the latest marks on my arm. She truly was a great woman, I didn't appreciate her enough. Thanks green, for making me realise what an ungrateful daughter I am.

No Green18, some of us won't realise how lucky we were, because some of us were anything but lucky to have the mothers we had/have. Owning a functioning uterus does not inherently make you a good person.

No, none of you are ungrateful. Just spectacularly unlucky.

I've read through this thread with a tear in my eye and its made me appreciate, for the millionth time, how blessed I am to have a mother like mine. DP doesn't have a Mum anymore (he shares mine )but I don't for one minute think he would be telling you to appreciate what you've got. My Mum is the perfect mix of caring without interference and helping, supporting and loving without presumption or expectation. And I thank you for reminding me to tell her more often.

In the past she's often been people's 'adopted' Mum and I have to admit to jealousy but a commitment you made OP has helped me understand why this was. Thank you.

To all of you, I hope I don't sound smug (I assure you not all my family relationships are such a bed of roses) but I hope you find the peace necessary to either reconcile or stop contact, for your own peace of mind and that of your family

• comment, not commitment

Kenton, she sounds lovely (would she consider adoption? ). You've reminded me of how much time I spent as a teenager round other people's houses, just so I could get some 'normality'.

Treasure her...... It sounds like you do.

Oh how sad. One day when you're mother is no longer around you might realise how lucky you were. You only get one mum. I wish i still had mine. I hope your children never think of you like that, remember, we often turn into our mothers!!

Green, I am doing absolutely everything in my power to ensure I never turn into anything even remotely resembling my mother. If there was any danger that I might, I'd likely do myself in.

You don't only get 'one mum' actually. I have the woman who gave birth to me and I did have the mother who brought me up and loved me. They were different people. One I still love and mourn and the other means nothing to me except the hurt she continues to pile upon me.

With all due respect you have to walk in someone's shoes to understand situations like this.

I feel for you OP because I know exactly how much you long for things to be different

Kenton she sounds fabulous! That's the kind of mother to treasure. I've adopted my mil, DPs mum. I love her to pieces and I know she feels the same about me.

I walk around all day and every day with a weight of guilt on my shoulders about my mum. She is now a little old lady but still has the power to destroy me.

When my Dad died she gave away EVERYTHING of his from his clothes, cds, paintings. I mean everything. I was not even given a handkerchief or tie to remember him by.

I had a dog when I was a child and I came home from school one day and he was gone I ran around looking for him and she said 'I had him put down this afternoon'. I was truly hysterical and to this day she has never said sorry or explained. A beautiful gentle little dog. Just gone. He was two years old.

Just cold hearted hatred to hurt me.

On my wedding day in front of the guests "You shouldn't wear your hair up, it makes you look old". I was 25 and I look back at the photos of my wedding day and I was actually quite pretty.

I haven't let her meet a friend of mine in over fifteen years.

OP having read all your posts I'm inclined to agree with the poster who said to look into women with aspergers. It presents differently in women to men so lots of the general stuff about autism/asd/aspergers is actually about how it presents in men which is quite distinct from the female form.

I'm not saying this is definitely the issue but I think there are enough traits you have described for it to be worth your while researching it.

Red, that is so sad.

It's really weird because to all intent and purposes my mother appears to adore me. She's proud of my achievements and parades me around at any opportunity (much to my intense embarrassment) There's no malice and in her heart she's basically a good person. She's just really dysfunctional, suffocating, and needy.

I can kind of relate to this thread. Really cannot stand my mother, she has always treated me differently to my 2 sisters, I've always been made to feel like the 'black sheep' despite being a model child compared to them. Now we're all grown up I have a DH and 2 kids, my sisters have a child each, and she dotes on them, always helping them out, posting about how wonderful they are on Facebook, having the kids over night whilst my sisters go out, me I get absolutely nothing. She'll occasionally ask me a question on Facebook if one of my status updates seems particularly juicy to her, but once she has an answer from me, I get nothing further! Any time I've needed anything her go to response will be, can't you ask your MiL, I can't help you. I'm not sure why I keep in contact really, I just live in the hope that one day she will change!