To actually not like my Mum

[Mrchubster]

I have always had a strange relationship with Mum. Although I don't doubt she loves me, since my parents divorce 25 years ago, it's like our roles have reversed. I'm the mother, she's the child.

Approx 10 years ago she moved 150 miles to be near us and as she was retiring it made sense. At the same time I was pregnant with DS and thought how lovely it would be to have her close.

How wrong was I?! She is massively needy with a big dose of passive aggression. Everything is "poor me". She has made very few friends since moving here and so her whole world seems to revolve around d me and my DCs. Trouble is I don't enjoy her company, we have nothing in common and she only talks about herself, doesn't want to put herself out. She can be very critical of other people which I find wearing.. I can tell her something quite important and it will go in one ear and out the other. She'll then phone 2 days later wanting to discuss the issue. Well, no thanks I've moved on!

If I confront her behaviour she gets all teary I'm on my own, no one cares about me" etc...

Sadly I alsoI find her embarrassing company to be with. At a recent family event she spoke over everyone, talked about me as though I wasn't in the room and generally lacked any social skills.

It's now at the point where I don't tell her anything personsal because she just doesn't listen. It's a standing joke with me and DH that no matter what you tell her, she'll change the subject! I look at her sometimes and wonder how the hell we're related!

I feel angry, sad and guilty in equal portions. Guilty that I encouraged her to move here ( although I have said if she wanted to move back I'd be fine), and because I shouldn't feel like that towards my mum.
Sad because I would so love a close relationship with her (am quite envious of friends who are close to their mums). Angry that she just doesn't get it.

Her whole life seems to revolve around me and the DCs which I find suffocating. I have given her info on the local WI, church, gardening clubs but she's not interested. She has made very little effort to make any friends.

Her health isn't good, mainly caused by poor lifestyle (which admittedly I'm not very sympathetic about) and so she's doing less and less, becoming more dependant. I feel such a huge weight of responsibility to be everything to her, it has the opposite effect of driving me away.

DB lives 300 miles away and keeps his distance for exactly the same reasons.

She's 70 btw. I know I should accept her for who she is and get so frustrated with myself for having any expectations of a close mother/daughter bond. Sorry to bang on

Maki79. It's ok not to love or like her, honestly.

Crikey Maki, that sounds familiar. My mums house is a shithole, full of clutter, which only sees a Hoover if I go round to clean (have to decontaminate kitchen/bathroom before I'll let DCs stay). It's a tiny 2 bed bungalow FFS but you'd think it was Buck Palace the way she whines about not being well enough to clean it. She's never been a homemaker, (fair enough) but with kids around would it be too much to do a bare minimum? I'm convinced she's just lazy, would rather watch Judge Judy than stick bleach down the loo!

She'll also drop random comments like "I was sitting in the GPs room in floods of tears" or "I have no quality of life, what's the point " etc etc.
Afraid I have no sympathy anymore, just feel like screaming at her to take some personal responsibility and do something about it, rather than expect everyone else to do it for her

I do wonder I should look to DB for more support. He visits about twice a year, if that and she is also his DM after all.

However he also has a difficult relationship with DM and even moved 300 miles to get away. Is there any point pushing it if he doesn't volunteer to takes one of the strain?

I don't like my mum either OP,

She's just so different, were literal polar opposites.

& on top of that she has mental health problems & has done through all my life - 26 years, never tried to get help.

I've only just realised I'm sick of every thing turning into an argument, her telling me I'm incapable of doing things and that I'm not allowed

t's very, hard work! You have my sympathies OP & everyone else with a hard mother!

"Take some of the strain"

Please please tell me it's not inevitable we all turn into our mothers?!

I could have written your post, op.
And since my dad died nearly 2 years ago it has gotten worse.
She also has multiple health issues but will not alter her lifestyle to alleviate them.
I have become very unsympathetic towards her tbh.
I wish I knew what the answer was!

My Dh is under strict instruction to smother me in my sleep if I start behaving like my mother!

?? Bad! I will do same to DH if he turns into his DF!

No way Mrchubster! My Mum was like this when she was far younger than me, I remember from when I was small. You'd be like her already, if you were going to be.

I think your brother could definitely help, even just supporting you by listening to what you're having to put up with, but you can't make him and it would be awful to damage your relationship with him. How would it take it if you asked for help?

I honestly don't know how I feel about my mum.
Certainly I feel responsible for her since dad died. She was utterly dependant on him. I am sure the reason he was still working ft when he died was that he couldn't bear the thought of being with her 24/7 :(
I just feel numb about her really...no love as such. Irritation, anger, sadness...all of that.
She is such hard work :(

Postino, DM always used to moan about her DM, saying how draining, critical she was, and how different they were!!!! She just cannot recognise how similar they actually are.
Scary to think I may be anything like my DM, hope to God I'm not.

I will speak to DB and see if he's wiling to help more. Am hoping he just doesn't realise what a pressure she is and I need some help. Think he's typical bloke "out of sight, out of mind".

The word you were looking for earlier is "matricide".

My mother was lovely. But she died. Yours, who are horrible, live on. My theory is that God is in no hurry to have them cluttering up the afterlife.

As for whether you will turn into your ghastly mother: most unlikely. The thing this type of woman seems to completely lack is any sense of self-awareness. If you are worried enough about yourself to check your own behaviour for signs of hers, you're already ahead of that game.

Yes Baddz, "hard work"

No joy

gosh this sounds so similar to my mother too.

She brought us up alone, and for a long time I really respected her. Around the time I turned 40 i realised what a self-centred, selfish woman she was. Like others on this thread she hates men, and is horrible her daughters' partners. She seems to relish it when things are going wrong for us or we are sad/upset, and is terribly envious when things are going well or we are happy.

It's all about her. At my wedding and my children's christenings, my mother managed to storm off and cry about something for a while, and I had to spend the time comforting her. She can't maintain friendships or relationships - she falls out /stops talking to people all the time (it's me at the moment). Like you the OP, it's never her fault - the friend always does something unforgiveable. She threatens suicide and doesn't mean it.

I lived near her for a while, and that was such a mistake. She'd come round all the time, uninvited. Expect to be entertained every weekend.

when I announced my first pregnancy my mum decided she had something wrong with her heart and took herself to hospital. when I had a miscarriage she ran away because she couldn't cope. she can't give a compliment, but is constantly seeking reassurance about how she looks (she's obsessed with weight and ageing).

"Matricide" !! Thanks Annie

A different SiL's mum died when SiL was 20. She sounded lovely and makes me feel more guilty for not loving my DM more.

Welcome Henrietta! Another story so similar to mine!

These women are so self centred coupled with a total lack of self awareness.

I see the biggest mistake I made was encouraging her to move near me. Was clearly in fantasy land about what sort a life she would lead and what our relationship would be like. Had images of shopping trips, walks, theatre.
She doesn't shop, won't walk anywhere, won't keep quiet/sit still if we go to a show.
Can't go for proper meals - gastric band makes it almost impossible to eat normal food ;would rather binge eat ice cream at home).

. Instead she'll drop in unannounced at all hours, leave her dog with me and then demand my attention regardless of what I may be busy with.
If I didn't think my DCs would miss her so much I'd get her to move back to her hometown and let her become her DS' problem!

You won't turn into her as you are aware of her behaviour. My DCs are allowed to fill me full of brandy and push me off a cliff if I turn out like that, and they know too!

My best friend could never understand how I felt as DM was all 'darling this' and 'darling that' when we went out. This was the best friend my DM demanded I stopped seeing as she (BF) came from a council estate and her parents were (shock, horror) divorced!

God don't apologise Maki, mine are like one huge rant!

In finding this very cathartic though and am starting to think it's ok to not want to be around my DM

I reckon they would all talk incessantly AT each other about their woes until they finally collapsed together in a big heap

And yes, DM said they other day she couldn't bear public loos because they're unhygienic and she has a delicate stomach. WTF??!!

Mine would just exchange niceties, her phone voice would get posher then she'd bitch to me about all the funny little women. 'Little' is her put down word.

Chocolatefudge yes yes yes! My mother's entire identity revolves, subconsciously, around being a victim. It's how she gets attention.

I am sure it isn't intentional but whenever anything major happens to someone else, she does something to draw attention to herself. Like when I was due with my dd, she managed to fracture a vertebrae whilst baking, and I had to take her to A&E and sit with her through her visit etc. It makes me sound heartless but the timing is uncanny every time.

She's been talking for years about how she wants to study for a law degree (she's been a SAHW for 35 years). The month after I announce I'm pregnant with twins she signs up for an online law course. She needed to outdo my news, and also while she always says how much she wants to help out and be there for me, when the shit hits the fan she makes herself unavailable.

Oh yeah also the last time we visited (they live 2000 miles away and we visit once a year) she went out in the garden without her stick, fell and broke her hip. So the entire visit was spent dragging an 18 month old to the hospital every day to visit her. God help us if we didn't visit every day.