To actually not like my Mum

[Mrchubster]

I have always had a strange relationship with Mum. Although I don't doubt she loves me, since my parents divorce 25 years ago, it's like our roles have reversed. I'm the mother, she's the child.

Approx 10 years ago she moved 150 miles to be near us and as she was retiring it made sense. At the same time I was pregnant with DS and thought how lovely it would be to have her close.

How wrong was I?! She is massively needy with a big dose of passive aggression. Everything is "poor me". She has made very few friends since moving here and so her whole world seems to revolve around d me and my DCs. Trouble is I don't enjoy her company, we have nothing in common and she only talks about herself, doesn't want to put herself out. She can be very critical of other people which I find wearing.. I can tell her something quite important and it will go in one ear and out the other. She'll then phone 2 days later wanting to discuss the issue. Well, no thanks I've moved on!

If I confront her behaviour she gets all teary I'm on my own, no one cares about me" etc...

Sadly I alsoI find her embarrassing company to be with. At a recent family event she spoke over everyone, talked about me as though I wasn't in the room and generally lacked any social skills.

It's now at the point where I don't tell her anything personsal because she just doesn't listen. It's a standing joke with me and DH that no matter what you tell her, she'll change the subject! I look at her sometimes and wonder how the hell we're related!

I feel angry, sad and guilty in equal portions. Guilty that I encouraged her to move here ( although I have said if she wanted to move back I'd be fine), and because I shouldn't feel like that towards my mum.
Sad because I would so love a close relationship with her (am quite envious of friends who are close to their mums). Angry that she just doesn't get it.

Her whole life seems to revolve around me and the DCs which I find suffocating. I have given her info on the local WI, church, gardening clubs but she's not interested. She has made very little effort to make any friends.

Her health isn't good, mainly caused by poor lifestyle (which admittedly I'm not very sympathetic about) and so she's doing less and less, becoming more dependant. I feel such a huge weight of responsibility to be everything to her, it has the opposite effect of driving me away.

DB lives 300 miles away and keeps his distance for exactly the same reasons.

She's 70 btw. I know I should accept her for who she is and get so frustrated with myself for having any expectations of a close mother/daughter bond. Sorry to bang on

Oh dear. We appear to have the same Mum.

I always loved my Mum growing up. In my teens and twenties I really looked up to her, and really enjoyed her company. I thought she was right about everything.

But as I reached my 30s it slowly dawned on me that actually my Mum was rather silly. She was definitely quite immature, despite being in her sixties. She could be very petty and occasionally actually spiteful.

And once I started to see her as she really was I couldn't un-see her. I saw that her humour could be very cruel. I saw that she involved herself in my sister's tragically turbulent marriage because my Mum enjoyed the drama.

I saw that she was often rude to my lovely husband. I saw that she happily undermined me with my own children because she wanted them to like her more than me. I saw that she deliberately engineered petty in-fighting within her friendship group just to massage her own ego.

Worst of all I saw that although she definitely loved me, a large part of her was envious of me and my life too. And I saw that part of her was glad when I was very down or struggling or disappointed because of that envy.

Just like your Mum OP mine never really listens. Today I mentioned an important development where I work which will impact on my career. She just blinked, paused for a second then said 'Anyway, I had a nice trip out on Sunday when I went to see........'

She is incapable of giving compliments. Yet constantly seeks praise for her own appearance. She also likes to tell you about the compliments she has received from other people [cringe]

Just like your Mum OP mine is socially gauche. She only likes gatherings with her cronies where she can be Queen Bee. In any other group she is awkward and needy. Alternatively following me around like a puppy making it difficult for me to network. Or instead trying to win 'favour' by mocking me in front of my friends. My mother never tells anecdotes which show me in a good light. All her stories show me in a poor light.

My Mum is socially very, very lazy. All her friends are women who have tagged on to her and include her in their lives. She has made little effort in return. She bitches about each and every one of them. She has a lot of form for living and dying with each new 'best friend' because she's too idle to maintain more than one friend at a time. 3 years later she is sick to death of them. She picks petty arguments with them. Starts avoiding phone calls and ignoring invites. Eventually the 'best friend' gives up in confusion and hurt. 6 weeks later my Mum had made a new 'best friend'..........

My Mum judges everyone on meaningless, petty criteria. She genuinely believes that she is the better person because she boil washes her tea towels and has snow white net curtains. She 'looks down' on her twin sister because her house is a bit scruffy. And ignores my aunt's very happy marriage and her scores of friends that she's had for over 40 years.

Yet, she does have her good points. She will happily babysit and lend a hand with the garden. She is generous with her grandchildren. And, I still love her. But I don't like her. She isn't very likeable. Instead I desperately pity her sometimes.

Can I join this club too? If I don't call for 24 hours I get "I could have been dead!" Last time she said that I replied "well you'd still be dead when I found you". She wasn't impressed.
She's generally rude, has no filter whatsoever, lies for attention and seems to think that I an in some way still completely responsible for my 22 year old sons life despite him living a county away with his girlfriend.

Im pretty good at ignoring it all now. I think you just have to learn to switch off. It's a shame because was she not so bloody embarrassing I'd be more willing to take her places but frankly I just don't trust her. The last time I took her out she loudly pointed to a small child of about four and with a faux whisper told me to " look at that child, she's too old for a dummy! " I told her she was bloody rude and it was none of her business and I've not taken her anywhere again unless I've had too.

for you. Know you aren't alone by far.

Also, when I had DS there were complications. Yet somehow I ended up reassuring and comforting my Mum?

On our wedding day, the photographer came to the bridal suite to take shots. Somehow my Mum made it all about her. She felt faint with the heat. She couldn't find her make up. She hurt her hand opening the window. All in less than 30 minutes

I no longer dare mention if my DCs have a cough/cold because she over reacts. And I end up reassuring her that they're fine. My Mum creates problems and worries that simply don't exist, then enjoys herself fretting over them.

And I haven't confided in her about my husband and mine's marriage in over 20 years. Because she selectively choses to only remember the negative things and isn't interested in the positive stuff.

Christ on a bike, it's been said before and I'm sure it will be said again but you could all be discribing my mum. But I will raise you with my mum being all that and a screaming alcoholic just to make it more interesting. I can't wait to read the narsacistic mother link

It has taken me over twenty years to get through to my mother that I am her daughter and NOT her possession. I have my own thoughts, ideas and feelings and I do not have to leap to answer her every call.

She has reduced me to a crying wreck with a dozen calls/messages a day. I was working/out/busy. Not taking crack or killing myself. I have never given her any cause for concern there.

I remember one day getting home from a sixteen hour day to find endless hysterical messages on my answerphone from her. I just laid down on the floor and sobbed with exhaustion. I had spoken to her just the day before.

I have moved abroad three times for long periods to escape her.

You give your children two things in life. Roots and wings.

My Dad understood this totally.

Sorry OP for the hijack.

Another one who thinks we have the same mother! After years of feeling guilty because I find her hard to love, I realised that she doesn't love me either. She has no idea of who I am ( though frequently tells me I'm her favourite child and my boys are the only people she really loves). No pressure there then.
YANBU, OP. Try yo be gentle with yourself xx

Wow sounds like we are all in exactly the same boat. I could have written the op too!
Our wedding is at my parents home later his year and I'm just dreading my mother taking over! Her behaviour in planning has been awful, awful, awful! Bought dress within 2 weeks of us getting engaged with no consideration for colour scheme or MoG. Has to invite her cleaner to wedding as she will be doing a lot of work in the lead up to it - it's her job FFS!! Made me have niece as flower girl, has promised niece a dress I don't want her to have!
It's the done thing to stay at childhood home the night before wedding, particularly as reception is there - I've booked a hotel!!!
Absolutely dreading my wedding morning because of my mother, my chief bridesmaid will be acting as my personal bodyguard to keep her away from me. For those who've married and had to deal with their mother on the morning of wedding - any advice gratefully received.

Yanbu. At all.

I wish my mum and I got along. But we don't. She loves me like she would love her possessions-as a reflection of herself. And if she doesn't like that reflection, to hell with it.

She loves my DD. I gave birth to DD. So she loves me for that. Otherwise, I'm a complete disappointment to her.

If she lived 5 minutes away I'd be a shut in.

It's crazy that we all have the same mothers! I suppose the only good thing to happen is we make damn sure we don't treat our DCs the same.

Luckily on her last visit DP heard her tone with me, she's normally so careful not to be found out by others, and DS1 (17) saw her give me 'the look'. So they've actually seen/heard proof!

I don't like mine much and I think it's mutual.

Reading your posts I keep nodding and saying "yep me too"!
I love my mother because she's my mother but I don't like her at all. (Also history of abuse so more complicated)
My mother is so self obsessed that any illness you have she's had it worse or anything you've done well she's done better etc - My Dad (divorced when I was little) calls her "two shits" I that if you've had one she'll have had two!
And YY to the phone thing, my DH laughs as I often put down the phone, walk away, make tea, load dishwasher and come back to phone to find her still talking - she talks AT me rather than wanting a conversation.
Envy friends with normal mother/daughter relationships

DiDiddlyDi sorry she's taken over so much of your wedding, they seem to bring out the worst in narc Mothers/MIL's. With my DM I have her some specific (non crucial) jobs to do on the day to keep her busy and let her feel important like taking charge of buttonholes or table decorations.
FatSwan she loves me like a possession I can totally identifynwith this
HellKitty my PIL didn't really understand how awful my mother could be as she acts all sweet in front of others. However, mother rang ranting once when I was at PIL house with DH so I discreetly put her on speakerphone and PIL heard her ranting shouting and swearing at me for over 20 mins with no response from me - changed PIL opinion!

This is sooo comforting realising there are so many other daughters out there who feel the same as me!

So many examples of her behaviour...

I was feeling brave last week. I agreed that the DCs and I would go away with her for a few days for a seaside break. The journey was about 2 hours drive and I don't think she paused for breath the whole time . Even when I said I needed to concentrate on directions she didn't stop. I put it down to having no one else to talk to but it's like one long stream of verbal diarrhoea, a stream of consciousness that makes her feel the need to voice whatever is going on in her head!

Anyway thank God the weather was lovely and I could sit on beach with kids or I think I'd have committed 'maternacide' (such a word??!!). She did nothing apart from read/comment on Daily Mail, eat, sleep.

Didn't want to walk anywhere "in too much pain/too tired" or help at all with the DCs. Honestly it was like looking after another child.
Then I get, "thank you for coming away with me, I'm sure it wasn't your thing and you're used to grander holidays but was it ok, was it was it...........?! The whole passive aggressive thing, because She knows perfectly well I wouldn't turn round and say "actually Mother, you're a fucking nightmare and I've hated every minute of it"!

Don't get me started on our wedding... All talk about how she'd help with various tasks but when it came down to it she did nothing except piss people off.
A few nights before the wedding we had a bbq for some close friends/family. She was staying with us but did absolutely nothing to help. Rather she cornered people talking their ears off, ate her fill and then took herself off to the lounge to watch TV!
On the day itself did nothing to help me, sat reading paper in morning, oohed and aaahed over her hair/make up.
She then had the gall to have a go at the best man saying he wasn't doing enough!
One of the very few jobs she had was to give DHs (hired suit) back to MIL so it could be returned. Learnt after honeymoon that she had just stuffed it in a bin liner and dumped it on their doorstep!

However, she did make a generous contribution to our wedding so again guilt, guilt, guilt

Unlike some of you guys I am the blue eyed girl, she's very proud of me but holds me up like some kind of trophy to other people. It can be mortifying because she'll start talking about me in front of total strangers while I'm stood there FFS! It's horrific and I can't believe that in my 40s I can be made to feel like this.

Sorry for rant (do feel better though ), I just don't see how this can get any better. I see her as little as I can get away with and there is no one else to help.

You give your children two things in life. Roots and wings.

What a marvellous phrase! I got those, but I also got rage and cruelty. Took a bit of getting rid of. The really high pain threshold is quite handy though.

She has reduced me to a crying wreck with a dozen calls/messages a day. I was working/out/busy. Not taking crack or killing myself. I have never given her any cause for concern there.

I remember one day getting home from a sixteen hour day to find endless hysterical messages on my answerphone from her. I just laid down on the floor and sobbed with exhaustion. I had spoken to her just the day before.

I have a sister?!

My mother used to do it to me during my sleeping hours when I was on night shifts. And then call me on my mobile at work once I was on shift. If I didn't answer/put the phone on silent, she went hysterical.

Same here. Though she's made me pity her so much, from age 3, that I feel very guilty complaining as it isn't her fault, her DM was awful to her, my DF was awful to her, etc etc.

The things that have jumped out of this thread are "it can never be about me" and that she visibly perks up if I'm feeling sad or distressed.

What DH has noticed above all is that he (and I) don't feel like we're being ourselves around her. I remember at a picnic with her on a hill, you could see for miles in every direction, and yet I felt stifled and claustrophobic.

Exactly Postino, it's never about me unless she's parading me around in front of an audience like I'm a possession.

Dread including her in any social gatherings as she just demands attention, but in a really anti-social manner.
It's PiL golden wedding next month and we're having a smart lunch for a few close family/friends. DM actually had the nerve to say "please include me"!! I don't want her to go, and PIL won't want her there (although they might make a vague point about inviting her just to be polite).

It's really hard to put boundaries down when you feel sorry for them

There are two books that have really helped me here and here

Yes, we're the same Postino.

I can see that my Mum is puzzled and mildly irritated by any signs of intimacy between DH and me.

I feel awkward if I show him too much attention if she's around. Basically she just wants us to pay court to her. She doesn't like DH and never has. But she still likes him to dance attendence on her. She's no longer with my Dad and she's very bitter toward him. Weirdly she seems to have transferred her bitterness toward my Dad onto DH too. And now she can no longer get at my Dad she victimises DH instead.

My Mum dislikes men in general. I don't think she even liked my Dad. Deep down I think she probably has lesbian inclanations because she seems to attract very intense relationships with other women. Nothing physically sexual, but quite passionate nonetheless with high emotions and quite obsessed with each other.

I sometimes feel it needs pointing out to her that she isn't me. We are not the same person. I have my own husband, life and personality.

The moment the conversation moves away from her, her life, she disengages and doesn't even feign polite interest.

She never, ever asks questions. Yet her ears prick up the moment she senses there's trouble in the air. I no longer discuss my friends with her because she's only interested in listening if they have problems.

DP and I haven't let our parents meet yet.

Even on a good day my mum can be thoroughly obnoxious. She holds court with endless monologues about how much she hates her job, with the occasional pause to make a snide dig about my housekeeping skills or us drinking alcohol. She's quite witty in small doses, but after the first ten minutes gets unbearable.

The PILs are very MC and naice. They wouldn't be able to understand that my mum doesn't want to have a pleasant chat. She actively enjoys behaving like a lippy ten year old.

My MIL is EXACTLY the same - same issues, same health problems. Wallows in self pity and takes no ownership to resolve, and then tries to live her life through my children. I have taken to not answering the phone, being pretty tough on the moaning ('well that's life isn't it, we just have to get on with it ... subject change'). I've also been putting pressure on and challenging behaviour I find bizarre - won't drive ANYWHERE she hasn't been very familiar with for over 20 years etc 'aren't you curious about going to the next town along to see if the shops are different? you could take X, be a day out' and I'm prepared to pay through the nose to avoid having her look after my children, the price I pay for that is way too high. The best things that ever happened to her was moving to a bungalow that needed work, she was busy, positive and forced to make decisions. Since it's finished she's gone back to the old ways though :-(

That's fascinating, WyrdSmyth. My Mum seems to carry a lot of anger and I think it might be partly because she was brought up to believe men are far superior to women. That would be enough to make her angry on its own, but it's also led her into problems and she's never actively chosen a man, but let them choose her, hence getting into awful relationships (with men who have sensed a needy woman).

I asked her once what qualities she'd look for in a man/who her ideal man would be, and was confused and she said she'd never considered it.

Just a massive lack of self awareness really, like she didn't grow up.

Also, she constantly interrupts me with something completely unrelated, then blames me for being demanding if I point it out

Wyrdsmith are you me? Am I living in a parallel universe??

My DF left when I was 15 and for a while I respected my DM for bringing me and DB up singlehanded. Now though I see she was an emotional basketcase and left us to look after her.

She also appears to hate men, will think nothing of making sweeping chauvinistic comments in front of DH and FiL. DH can't bear her and although he'll tolerate her in small doses, he'll quickly snap back. I'm then caught in the middle.

I also wonder if she has 'bi' tendencies as she certainly doesn't have any male friends. Mind you she doesn't have any female ones either . She had a close friend years ago, went away together then never spoke again. Same thing approx 5 years ago. They fell out so badly they didn't even sit together on the plane home! Of course, none of it was her fault, they were just "nasty and unkind" to her.

Yes Postino it is so difficult to create boundaries when you feel sorry for someone and you are their only support . Thanks for the reading suggestions, I'll take a look.