Co-sleeping. Why?

[goodnessgraciousgouda]

Just to stress first off that this is not a thread to start a bun fight between people who do and don't co-sleep. It's not intended as a spiteful judgement of people who DO co-sleep.

It's just to try and understand why some people do it, as it's something that I literally cannot fathom.

I can understand co-sleeping for the first six months, as is recommended to prevent SID. I can understand people going a bit longer than that just to be on the safe side.

But why do some people co-sleep for YEARS on end? Is it when the child is a really bad sleeper generally? Or when there are underlying medical conditions?

Co-sleeping for long periods of time has always struck me as something which would completely override the relationship between the two parents. Which is why I'd be interested to know people's actual reasons for doing it (I'm not saying I'm right, it's just how I've always seen it).

I have tried looking at websites, but they have been so....unbearable. Almost like satire websites. I was hoping some people here might be able to explain it in less "hemp and kale" sort of terms.

I was an avid GF follower and both mine slept in their own rooms from 6 weeks and slept through the night at 11 and 9 weeks. They're both great sleepers. My nearly 4 year old started coming into my bed nearly a year ago. I couldn't care less. It's cute. He wants to be with me and that's adorable. He goes to sleep fine and in his own bed and at some point in the night comes up to cuddle me. I barely notice he's come in. I am a lone parent so it has no impact on relationships. However, seriously who the hell has sex when the go to bed anymore?! Not since you've had kids surely?! Bedtime is for sleep. There are plenty of other locations to get jiggy with it! I'm not a tree hugger and have two independant little boys to whom I am the most important thing in the world. The fact they want to sleep with me is wonderful. I don't encourage it but it is what it is.

I was trying to give facts without making judgement.

On one level I don't have a problem with it. If parents are happy, child is happy, what's the issue.

However the child didn't have their own bed or bedroom. My ex are welcome to come in for a cuddle, or if they are unwell or upset, whatever age. But they do have their own beds and own space-which I think is more important than whether the choose to co-sleep or not. Especially at secondary school age.

Dc, not ex!

Yes hakluyt, I often wake in the night and find DH gone because he's ended up in ds's bed.

When dd was a smaller baby and he had more than a minute's trouble settling her he would happily put her in next to me then go back to sleep on his side.

I hate the suggestion that these decisions always originate from the mother's 'unhealthy' attachment, and not that it's mutually agreed family life, which I'm sure in most cases it is.

1. Laziness
2. Survival
3. I quite like it if I'm honest

I never set out to co-sleep, but at 9m, when DD stopped wanting milk in the night, but nonetheless wanted comfort, we started to do so. I quite like it really, she's very snuggly :) It also means I get a whole lot more sleep than if I spent an hour settling her back to sleep, only for her to wake again a couple of hours later - as was the case.

Even now at 3.5, she will go to sleep by herself in her bed, but from whenever she wakes up, she comes in to us. We've just bought a bigger bed, and given her the old double from our room so DH can sleep with her when I'm feeding the new arrival (once it arrives). We will wait and see what the next one wants when it comes to night-time contact and go with that...

I don't think anyone would disagree with that micah.
My children had their own bedrooms and beds from the age of 18 months, but only used them for play for many years,

Hmm, to be fair, yes, I was advised this too. DS didn't have his own bed until he was about two but I was told that they need it even if you think they'll never choose it.

Yes I agree with that Micah, children need their own beds, it has to be their choice to share space with their parents. My two had unused cots from 6 months, replaced by unused beds at 18 months, gradually get more use until fully sleeping there at 2.5 in the case of my ds.

But in that instance it's not the bed sharing itself that is the issue, there were obviously other things going on in the relationship.

Never done it, never want to. Can't stand having a child in the bed, I can't sleep. Saw a programme years ago where a whole family of about 6 including 7 and 9 year old slept on the lounge floor because they'd never stopped co-sleeping and none of the kids would sleep on their own and they couldn't fit in a bed. I swore then I would never get into that.

DD (age 7) has a best friend with a single mum and they still sleep together. Which means she can never have a sleepover, as the girl has said she can't sleep away from her mum. DD can't understand this as she has loved going on sleepovers with other friends and having them here. Seems to me that by this age it is not a positive thing as it is stopping the child experiencing normal growing up experiences.

One of mine slept in our bed on and off in their early months due to extreme BFing marathons, the others preferred lots of space. I prefer my own space, partner is not bothered either way. I wouldn't kick DP out to let the kids in though, he was here first! I'd be pissed off if he kicked me out for the kids too.

Some people probably won't like me saying this but I knew two women who coslept with the children at junior age who continued it to keep their husbands out of the bed i.e. they were no longer interested in sex and used co sleeping as an excuse. No idea what their excuse was the other 14 hours of the day :)

"Seems to me that by this age it is not a positive thing as it is stopping the child experiencing normal growing up experiences"

But loads of us here have pointed out that our children love to co-sleep and are also happy to sleep alone.

Personally I didn't sleep with my parents as a young child, but I still found sleepovers traumatic until I was in my teens. My ds on the other hand loves sleeping with me, but also loves sleepovers. Go figure.

I've never understood it. Everything I've ever read on SIDS has argued against it. I have never done it, despite ebf for 6 months with two DDs.

Agreed beloved- I had cosleeping children who loved going to friends for sleepovers.

The thing is it's not always about the parents 'not getting into that', it is something that originates from the child. If they have trouble sleeping for whatever reason, they may not enjoy a sleepover anyway, or not be ready at 7.

I never wanted to sleep anywhere else as a child and I had my own bed and routine...so...what could my parents have done? Forced me to enjoy a sleepover?

Children often end up in with their parents because they wake a lot in the night, not the other way around. I didn't go in with my parents, but would lie awake, scared instead, and would have done that at a friend's house.

My 8 year old niece was in a cot with strict bedtimes as a baby and toddler, but struggled getting to sleep anyway, and ended up coming into her mum's room later anyway. She had sleepovers at grandparents and friends etc from young age and now refuses them.

My own son bed shared from little and now sleeps through in his own bed most nights at 4, and has been, barring ill health or nightmares, since 2.5.

It is not always clear cut.

" The safest place for your baby to sleep for the first six months is in a cot or crib in the same room as you, rather than in your bed".
Why would you take the risk? I'd rather have a naff night's sleep to be honest.

My DD and I sometimes still co sleep- and she is 15!!

We coslept as a family until the kids ( gradually) moved to their own beds- about 4 or 5 years old, but they were always welcome back to the big bed. They continued to co sleep off and on for another few years- we have always been very relaxed about it.

Although it is only infrequently- sometimes if OH is away on business and DS is staying with friends, DD and I will bunk up under the big patchwork quilt, and armed with marshmallows/ hot chocolate etc, will watch a few Dance Moms/NCIS/Call the Midwife back to back until midnight before snuggling down for a cosy nights sleep.

We both enjoy it.

Also, I know a mum who slept with her daughter until she finally began sleeping through on her own at 9, still happily married.

Another mum, strict with routines and own rooms, divorced.

My point is that there is more at play in people's lives and relationships, including the kids themselves, than whether they do sleep together or apart. It is fine to do it or not do it, but I don't think this issue in itself says anything in particular about a marriage or a family, or a child's happiness, any more than any other in isolation.

Fwiw regarding SIDS risk, I fed my babies in bed under six months, then returned them to their cots after a feed. I had the bed set up to be as safe as possible if I should happen to doze off, which is much better I think that accidentally falling asleep whilst sitting up etc. After that point, when they were more mobile and robust I left them in bed with me.

Again, they slept next to me and not DH, no duvet, no pillows, their own blanket, I never drink alcohol and I don't smoke. I breastfed all this time and was very sensitive to their presence and movement.

I get what you're saying re a naff nights sleep, but when you are still be woken every 1-2 hours at 10 months, the likelihood is of you falling asleep while 'up' with the baby on a sofa, or on an unprepared bed or chair. I felt safer preparing for that eventuality rather than having good intentions and getting caught out.

There is also a difference between one or two crap nights and long term sleep deprivation, which is dangerous in itself.

The advice is this-

Some studies suggest that bed-sharing increases the risk of SIDS, especially in infants younger than 12 weeks old.

Factors that can increase this risk include:

a baby sleeping on a couch alone or with a parent
a baby sleeping between two parents
a mother who smokes
parents who are extremely tired
a parent who has recently used alcohol or drugs
bed-sharing with pillows or bedcovers

Show me a parent who isn't extremely tired, who doesn't have pillows or bedcovers on their bed...

The thing is singsong in another few years there will be more research saying not co sleeping is bad for children! With SIDS part of the 'no sleeping with your baby' comes from research where mums have fallen asleep on the sofa with their baby and suffocated their child. Also if a mum is on medication/ drinks alchol / smokes and co-sleeps the risks are greater.
Its about commonsense and doing what yiu feel is best for you and your child. Cosleeping in many cultures is the norm! Oh yes and in Victorian times 10 in a bed was not unsual as most people lived in one bed houses/ flats!

I understand that the research re co-sleeping and sids concluded that it can be done safely - just that it's easier to advise a blanket ban in case of smoking being the big risk factor but also alcohol / drugs / duvets etc. A bit like the pregnancy and alcohol guidelines...

Some actual research here: www.laleche.org.uk/news/bed-sharing-and-risk-sids

DS was a terrible sleeper - truly terrible and it was making me ill so he started to come in with us purely to let me sleep. He grew out of it and has slept soundly in his own bed for years.
DD1 there was no way we were taking that chance again so she co slept from fairly early on. She grew out of it and again has slept soundly in her own bed for years.
DD2 will wobble her way in with us for a couple of hours in the early morning but she's growing out of it now.
We're still having sex, getting a decent nights sleep and their boundaries and privacy are all intact.
It worked for us

It's interesting to hear everyone's opinions on this. We co-slept with both children from when they were babies. It stopped being an every night occurrence from the age of around 4, but every so often they do come in with us still (they are 7 and 4). Sometimes they've had a tiring day or they are upset about something or ill and they ask to sleep with us. I imagine this will get less and less frequent over time.

It doesn't take us over as a couple at all.

There's a MASSIVE difference between planned and unplanned bed sharing that those studies don't take into account/weren't reported.

In our case DD did sleep in the middle of the bed (DH worked away during the week so this was best for us) on top of the duvet that was over me and under her own blanket. I had a pillow, she didn't. She also liked to sleep on her tummy and stay up late. I slept whenever she did in the early days (apart from expressing through the night while she lay besides me). I'm sure some posters would have had me velcro her into a cot at 7pm every night.............

I returned my babies to their cot at that age as I said, but I did not have covers or pillows near them when I fed them. Then if I did actually fall asleep it was safe. They couldn't roll anywhere, I couldn't roll on them.

My nephew managed to pull himself under his cot blanket at 12 weeks, you can't eliminate the risk, but a bed set up for proper safe cosleeping is better than attempting to return a baby to a cot then falling asleep on a sofa.