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Original poster

Co-sleeping. Why?

384 replies

goodnessgraciousgouda · 21/04/2015 10:18

Just to stress first off that this is not a thread to start a bun fight between people who do and don't co-sleep. It's not intended as a spiteful judgement of people who DO co-sleep.

It's just to try and understand why some people do it, as it's something that I literally cannot fathom.

I can understand co-sleeping for the first six months, as is recommended to prevent SID. I can understand people going a bit longer than that just to be on the safe side.

But why do some people co-sleep for YEARS on end? Is it when the child is a really bad sleeper generally? Or when there are underlying medical conditions?

Co-sleeping for long periods of time has always struck me as something which would completely override the relationship between the two parents. Which is why I'd be interested to know people's actual reasons for doing it (I'm not saying I'm right, it's just how I've always seen it).

I have tried looking at websites, but they have been so....unbearable. Almost like satire websites. I was hoping some people here might be able to explain it in less "hemp and kale" sort of terms.

OP posts:
Notso · 21/04/2015 21:31

Grin nice one MrsK

LePetitPont · 21/04/2015 21:34

My LO is nearly 7 months. He seems to prefer sleeping tucked under my arm than in his cot, so that's what we do! I could spend ages trying to settle him on his own after his frequent night wake ups, but had taken a lazier route. And he is incredibly cute and I love being able to kiss his little head in the night. He goes from about 7.30-11 on his own (cot bed next to ours) so we have couple time, and I suppose we will try him out in his own room at some point. But no rush!

And co-sleeping naps rock.

Love the idea of baby wearing as some new-fangled trend... What do you think happened before the Victorian invention of the pram?

bruffin · 21/04/2015 21:38

Didnt co sleep with either of dc. DS was in the pram cot at the end of our bed until he was about 8 months. He slept through from 12 weeks so didnt really need to co sleep. DD hated being in bed with us and would wriggle about until she was in her cot where she promptly went off to sleep. She also slept through from 12 weeks.

BlueDressingGown · 21/04/2015 21:45

I sleep very deeply so was never too confident about co-sleeping but did do it at various points when they were little and had inseurities - I have no objections. Oh, by co-sleeping I mean bed sharing. Babies were in our room largely in their own beds till age 1 due to SIDS and night feeds and stuff. I have some lovely memories of snuggly naps with my babies. I still go and climb into their beds if they are sick and they love it. I love it.

Spare room sex is great - it's like a hotel, so there were no worries during the times that we did have babies in our room.

I think it's only potentially unhealthy if mums sleep with the children separate from dad (if still in a relationship of course!) or if the need to co-sleep comes from the parent and not the child. But I don't really go so far as actually thinking about this or judging in general - I find it SO hard to care about what other people do. :D

Sootgremlin · 21/04/2015 21:54

I just snorted with laughter at 'sex camel' mrskoala

We got a kingsize last year to accommodate our crazy cosleeping habits. I love waking up in the morning surrounded by my whole family I love it even more when they all piss off for breakfast and I get half an hour by myself to stretch out

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 21/04/2015 22:04

I never intended to, but when DD graduated from a cot to a toddler bed she would crawl into mine, and at 3.5 she's still there, and to my surprise we both love it and it makes us both feel secure. I'm a LP so no DP to think of. Toddler bed was probably a bit of a waste of money though!

Bodicea · 21/04/2015 22:21

Co slept in the early months as my Ds had severe infected eczema for months and struggled to sleep because of it. Co sleeping was the only thing that enabled us to get any sleep at all. After that we got into the habit of it on regular basis. We have a double bed in his nursery so it is easy for me to go in with him if he wakes up in the night. These days (at18 months) Any sign of ilness or teething or just a bad night and I am in with him. It reassures him and I don't have a problem with it. I actually quite enjoy it and if we have a healthy run where he doesn't need me I miss it. Nothing nicer than waking up to his smiles.

limon · 21/04/2015 22:39

Because dd (3) doesn't sleep through and settles easier if one of us goes to her. Because it's normal and natural. Because the snuggles are lovely.

Allthatnonsense · 21/04/2015 22:53

Because sleep is precious and we do as we must and get by any way that we can!

Wotsitsareafterme · 21/04/2015 23:08

Also I feel safer/sleep better when my valuables are in sight (my dds).

SJL · 22/04/2015 12:58

Hi my daughter had bad eczema until 5 and so as a family we did anything we could to sleep... So that was on and off till 7!
Now a single mum my 2nd daughter age 5 broke her wrist and so to keep an eye on her that evening she slept in my bed and then didn't want to return to own bed and so it stayed like that for a couple of years and my elder daughter joined her (10) as didn't want to feel left out ! I have very big bed ! But actually it was fine as I work quite late at home and would feel it was some further precious time I had with my children - albeit they were asleep ... And nothing can take there beautiful faces when they are sleeping. But was quality time to chat when they woke up and continued to build a bond. They reverted back to their own rooms 3 years later ... But still very very occasionally sleep in my bed for an evening .
Think it is whatever helps with sleep and what works for you all

RabidFairy · 22/04/2015 13:04

Didn't co-sleep with DC1, but I did with DC2. I came home from hospital the day he was born and at night I just took him to bed with me. It helped so much with establishing breast feeding and allowed us both to sleep. At the time we had a super king sized bed so space wasn't an issue. I slept much better than I had with DD, trying to get her to sleep happily in a Moses basket or cot so I was nicer which helped keep mine and DHs relationship happier! We found plenty of time and places to have sex, too. When DS was about 5 months old he started wanting more space to sleep so I gradually introduced him to sleeping in a cot up against the bed with the side dropped. Then at 6 months he moved to his own room in said cot (now with both sides). So it was a very easy going relationship, us and co-sleeping.

DC3 is due in June and I intend to co-sleep initially with her. We have downsized our bed as we didn't expect anymore DCs, but DH is quite happy to sleep in the spare room if we find space is an issue. It's not something I ever intended to do, seperate beds, but we both understand the importance of finding a balance with a little baby and sleep! I also have the cot by the side of the bed with the side off in mind so that DH and I aren't apart for long (if it comes to it). Watch this space!

My parenting philosophy is simple: whatever works for you to get you through.

Micah · 22/04/2015 13:05

Acquaintance co-slept with her dc.

We broke contact when the child was 11 but they were still co-sleeping then. Her marriage broke down when the child was about 10.

we babysat one night and the child wouldn't go to bed without mum there.

Beloved72 · 22/04/2015 13:07

"I think it's only potentially unhealthy if mums sleep with the children separate from dad"

It's common practice (ie, parents bedsharing with children in separate beds/rooms) in some cultures (for example Japan). I'm not sure they've got any worse divorce rates than the UK, where bed sharing is rarer.

Beloved72 · 22/04/2015 13:11

Re: bedsharing with older children, my ds (9) loves to sleep in my bed, though will also sleep alone happily. I've promised a night away as a reward for doing well in a music exam, just me and him. The plan is to go to a hotel with a swimming pool, eat a meal out, and watch films in bed. Twin beds would spoil it for him - for it to be a proper treat he wants to sleep in my bed. Wondering if we'll get any raised eyebrows at the hotel.

fulltothebrim · 22/04/2015 13:13

Micah- I am now sure why that is significant. Nearly 50% of marriages in the UK end in divorce- and most of them don't co-sleep.

We could therefore equally suggest that not co-sleeping is a cause for divorce.

Japanese families routinely co sleep with their children until they are teenagers. They have half the divorce rate than the UK.

Can we draw conclusions from that too?

Hakluyt · 22/04/2015 13:14

What I think is depressing is the largely unspoken suggestion that only mothers want to co sleep, and they ought to be careful because if men don't get their "conjugals" regularly.......

EuphemiaCoxton · 22/04/2015 13:16

We often co sleep. 2.5 year old is awake by 6am in her bed, in ours it's around 8am.
I'm lazy!

dorisdog · 22/04/2015 13:21

I never called it co-sleeping, but I just let my daughter sleep in my bed when she wanted. Which varied. I just never had any rules around it either way. She's go for weeks on her own and then sometimes get in my bed for a couple of nights. The last time was when she was 9 - she wouldn't dream of doing now!!

dorisdog · 22/04/2015 13:26

The posts about sleeping with mothers/fathers are interesting. I was a single parent so it never came up as an issue. I was always allowed in my parents bed, though and they were both there (male/female couple). Just feels to me that any parent could be an abuser, or complicit in abuse and the issue of how to educate children in knowing what abuse is, how to report it and what boundaries are, is all part of a school/parent/government process.

BertieBotts · 22/04/2015 13:28

But in that example, Micah, you can't judge from a snapshot.

Perhaps the marriage was unhealthy or abusive leading to the child being very insecure.

Perhaps the child had special needs (diagnosed or not) or struggled with MH e.g. anxiety and the strain of this lead to the marriage breakdown.

Perhaps the child was used to manipulating and playing parents off against each other, because their relationship wasn't great, causing the divorce.

Perhaps the parents had wildly different parenting styles and always argued about it, leading each to become more extreme out of stubbornness and an attempt to make the other "see the light". In the end this lack of communication ended the marriage.

Perhaps they just liked co sleeping or didn't know how to stop, and the marriage break up was totally separate and coincidental.

Perhaps the mum was really clingy and needy and obsessed with her child, making him dependent and driving the husband away (that's what everyone assumes, right? Which is bizarre, how on earth is this the most likely scenario.)

fulltothebrim · 22/04/2015 13:29

Is anyone talking about abuse here? It didn't cross my mind. Hmm

JoandMax · 22/04/2015 13:29

We just sort of did it, it wasn't really a conscious decision! I had a horrid time with DS1s birth so we were so knackered and he would only settle next to me we just carried on with it. By about 4 months though he'd wriggle and be grumpy so I tried him in his cot and he almost gave an audible sigh of relief and went to sleep! He came in with us if he woke or was teething if he wanted.

DS2 was different, a complete clingon from birth and was with us all the time til around 3.5/4. He's 5 now and goes through phases of his own bed all night for a few weeks, then coming into us at 1am for a bit or asking to go in our bed straightaway. He will always sleep alone in the evening though so we get that time as a couple.

I don't really think of it as 'co-sleeping' just 'you can come in our bed if you want'!

Can't say it has damaged our relationship at all, if anything DH has loved it more than me as he works long hours and can often not see them during the week. I don't feel it impacts on us as a couple or quality time at all.... And our spare room has the delightfully named 'sex bed' in it!!!

fulltothebrim · 22/04/2015 13:30

Co sleeping has strengthened our family bonds- and those between OH and I.

Hakluyt · 22/04/2015 13:30

Hang on, dorisdog-what exactly are you suggesting......?