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AIBU?

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Original poster

Co-sleeping. Why?

384 replies

goodnessgraciousgouda · 21/04/2015 10:18

Just to stress first off that this is not a thread to start a bun fight between people who do and don't co-sleep. It's not intended as a spiteful judgement of people who DO co-sleep.

It's just to try and understand why some people do it, as it's something that I literally cannot fathom.

I can understand co-sleeping for the first six months, as is recommended to prevent SID. I can understand people going a bit longer than that just to be on the safe side.

But why do some people co-sleep for YEARS on end? Is it when the child is a really bad sleeper generally? Or when there are underlying medical conditions?

Co-sleeping for long periods of time has always struck me as something which would completely override the relationship between the two parents. Which is why I'd be interested to know people's actual reasons for doing it (I'm not saying I'm right, it's just how I've always seen it).

I have tried looking at websites, but they have been so....unbearable. Almost like satire websites. I was hoping some people here might be able to explain it in less "hemp and kale" sort of terms.

OP posts:
Wordsmith · 22/04/2015 15:12

My boys are teenagers now but I'm amazed that co-sleeping is recommended now - not because I'm pro- or anti-, but because when mine were babies it was very much frowned upon as potentially dangerous! We co-slept with DS1 for his first few weeks only because he wouldn't sleep anywhere else, and I must admit I loved it and slept a lot better because of it, despite simultaneously feeling that I was somehow putting his life at risk. I had no idea the official guidelines had changed.

BertieBotts · 22/04/2015 15:16

Duvets and pillows means using them for the baby. If you co sleep safely, this is avoided totally, it is safe. We don't have robust data to prove this because thankfully SIDS is now so rare, but the studies which are methodologically sound do support this. Unfortunately as they are small scale studies they aren't included in the main advice, which is understandable.

The instructions for how to do so safely aren't massively complex, but can be confusing, and aren't as simple as to make into a nice little memorable soundbite, so it probably is better on balance to advise people not to do it as then anybody who does want to will have to do their own research, not difficult to do these days, and there are lots of sites which will explain how to co sleep safely.

On top of a duvet isn't very safe, and I do wince a bit when I hear people suggesting this, the reasons being a duvet is designed to reflect body heat so it can contribute to overheating and also it's a soft surface so if the baby rolled onto their front, it could be a suffocation risk. There's a risk the duvet could be pulled away by either partner (but more so when there are two adults in the bed) which might roll the baby onto their front or off the bed. So I would never recommend this as a practice. It's better to push the duvet down and hold it between your legs so it can't ride up and cover them, you can then cover your upper body with a dressing gown or blankets. Or just replace the duvet as a whole with sheets and blankets until the baby is 12 months old.

BertieBotts · 22/04/2015 15:18

They haven't, Wordsmith. The official recommendations are for the baby to sleep in a cot in your room for six months. I would have thought the same when yours were little?

There is supposed to be more acceptance of co sleeping but apparently it's felt that the simpler message of no co sleeping is better.

kimhp · 22/04/2015 15:33

I always thought Co sleeping was a advised as a massive no no in babies?? I had the fear of God installed in me when I had my lb (now 2.5) that even when I breastfed if I nodded off I'd be horrified and ended up spending most nights reading a book till he finished. Now though it's my mum that has a lot to say on the matter.. i don't mind the cuddles and him getting into bed with us but she makes me feel like it's an awful thing to allow :( personally I'd rather we both slept than be miserable for the rest of the day!! X

PeppermintCrayon · 22/04/2015 15:36

Well I'm glad someone asked. I stopped reading on the first page when I got to the people saying why do you have to understand.

I grew up in an abusive home and need to learn what is normal and why people do it. This was something I never got. Now I do.

Singsongsung · 22/04/2015 17:23

Can we be really clear though, co sleeping is still absolutely not recommended.

Hakluyt · 22/04/2015 17:30

It depends what you mean by "co sleeping" . Falling asleep with your baby unintentionally is most definitely not recommended. Co sleeping, even if intentionally, on a sofa, or if you are drunk or taking drugs of any sort is definitely not recommended. Co sleeping in such a way that your baby could overheat is definitely not recommended.

Wordsmith · 22/04/2015 20:46

Bertie, yes, that's what I thought. Earlier on in the thread it said somewhere that the recommended advice was to co-sleep for 6 months; I took this to mean 'in the same bed'.

TwoOddSocks · 22/04/2015 21:15

I had my baby in Germany and the midwife there said they're not allowed to officially recommend it but putting the baby in the cot doesn't always work and it's very safe if done properly. Almost all deaths associated with co-sleeping involve very unsafe practises (alcohol or drugs, pillows and duvets, falling asleep unintentionally on a sofa etc.). In japan almost everyone co-sleeps usually on harder mattresses and SIDS is almost unheard of. My japanese friends are always really shocked and appalled at the idea of leaving a young child to sleep alone at night to them it seems cruel. (I don't think it's cruel for most kids who sleep just fine alone I'm just pointing out that a lot of our reaction is just a response to cultural norms).

WaxyBean · 22/04/2015 21:16

My 3 year old calls me into his bed every night without fail. He likes thhe security of having a parent in bed with him and cuddling him. He won't do it forever and if this comforts him and gets him to sleep then so be it. And secretly I love smelling his hair as I drift off too!

Kewcumber · 22/04/2015 21:33

I have a very anxious adopted child who learnt very early in life that people disappear and are never seen again, do you really not have the imagination to understand why we might co-sleep?

As a single parent my sex life requires a little more planning than just falling into bed so that wasn't an issue and frankly even if it would have been there is no way I could leave DS in his room alone to battle his demons alone. Married or not.

kinkyfuckery · 22/04/2015 21:39

Co-sleeping for long periods of time has always struck me as something which would completely override the relationship between the two parents.

My almost 7 year old climbs into my bed almost every night, and my 10 year old does once or twice a week. I'm happy for it to override the relationship I have with my ex husband Grin

Frikadellen · 22/04/2015 21:45

I co slept with my children because I enjoyed it and dh enjoyed it too They were all actually very good sleepers it was never a sleep deprived choice. I just liked them near and they liked being near to us that way.

we have 4 so we certainly managed to have a marriage too.

FaFoutis · 22/04/2015 21:48

Same as Frikadellen. I have 3, and have co slept with them from birth. All are happy and marriage is fine. We just wanted to.

mommy2ash · 22/04/2015 21:54

I am a single parent so I don't have a relationship to maintain but I have always co slept with my dd who is eight. She has her own room and has always slept well but she likes sleeping with me. I work full time and she misses me so if she wants to fall asleep having a cuddle or twirling my hair I won't say no

Brookerem · 22/04/2015 22:07

I'm a single parent that works full time. By the time we get home there is time for dinner and bed. Whilst sleeping is our time for making up for the time we don't spend together during the day. I love it.

Hakluyt · 22/04/2015 22:29

"Co-sleeping for long periods of time has always struck me as something which would completely override the relationship between the two parents."

Well, if your relationship is dictated entirely by what happens in bed...........Hmm

Micah · 22/04/2015 22:31

So what age would most say co-sleeping is no longer appropriate?

Say lone parent to remove any marital issues. Is it ok at 12? 16? Is there any point at which it isn't ok? Should the parent encourage the child into their own space?

I'm talking about the child and parent co-sleeping every night, not odd occasions. Sharing a room and a bed.

And why is it not ok? my instinct is that a secondary school age child is likely to want their own space, and sleeping every night with a parent is more for the parent... But that's purely based on my own feelings as a teenager.

kinkyfuckery · 22/04/2015 22:34

my instinct is that ... sleeping every night with a parent is more for the parent

Then your instinct is wrong.

Goldmandra · 22/04/2015 22:36

So what age would most say co-sleeping is no longer appropriate?

When the child no longer wants to do it.

I have a 12YO who still comes into my bed most nights because she has AS and is anxious in her own room.

I don't understand how it can be appropriate for two adults to sleep together yet inappropriate for a child to join one or both of them. Why do we expect babies to sleep with other people, children to sleep alone then accept adults wanting to sleep with other people again? It seems rather odd TBH.

purdiepie · 22/04/2015 22:39

I completely agree with Micah. It smacks of needy parents.

kinkyfuckery · 22/04/2015 22:42

I have a condition which causes chronic fatigue and chronic pain. Trust me, the only thing I am "needy" for is my children to feel that I can offer them something and everyone to get the maximum amount of sleep we can!

Hakluyt · 22/04/2015 22:43

I think it's pretty unusual for co sleepers not to have their own rooms as well.

And at what age does it become inappropriate? Well, when the child doesn't want to do it any more.

I found 14 year old Ds in my bit of the bed one night last week- he had had a nightmare and got in with his dad........That's a very rare event, though.......Grin

duplodon · 22/04/2015 22:52

It's lovely!

I have three boys: 5, 3, 1. The 1 year old sleeps with us every night, the 3 year old comes in sometimes, the 5 year old only if he's unwell or feeling miserable for some reason. Both the older two head off to their own beds at 7 and 8 and mainly sleep through, both were in our bed until 20 months or so each. Both transitioned seamlessly to a single bed after about a week or so. But we have had great cuddles, and I have loved this time, which is nearly at an end for us.

Kewcumber · 22/04/2015 22:52

It smacks of needy parents - thats so funny I laughed out loud.

Yup thats the issue in our house - needy parent and child grudgingly providing parent with comfort. I've been rumbled.

Like Hakluyt - I find DS doesn't do it if he doesn't need to, I assume this will increase in frequency until he doesn't need to anymore.

Oh Lordy what will I do then.....?! Shock I neeeeeeeed to be woken up in the middle of the night by a bony child.