to feel really, really awkward at toddler groups?

[luxywoop13]

I live in an area that is basically really middle class, I'm not. That's fine everyone isn't posh or anything but pretty much most mum's are older mum's, also fine obviously but they don't seem to want to talk to me? I went to one for the first time in ages recently and I'd say they were mostly all 40ish and no one under 30 and pretty well off and I just felt like a massive chav (I'm not) got.a few judges looks probably just cause I was new but I had ds at 21 not 12! That's a pretty normal age in most places but whenever I go I feel really awkward and different. I'm super shy as it is likely, but I always end up feeling bad about myself, one woman.was trying to teach her baby how to draw triangles or something and.I was just trying to stop my 1 year old.from breaking everything. Everyone was speaking in really over the top voices.to their kids I didn't even know.people did that, it's literally like they are all sort of perfect parent material or something

I was asked does(by an older woman) your dd see her dad often i said yes when he get home from work does yours see his dad often she sniffed and walked off. God knows why folk think its ok to assume anything i tried for weeks at that bloody group sometimes you never fit in how hard you try ,

OP, sorry you felt excluded and judged (and that you had an appalling episode with your child's father). But I do think that you are also incredibly judgemental about yourself, and rather quick to judge others on class grounds, and in terms of you interpreting the way they talk to their babies as some kind of posh performative parenting mode. You sound as if you went in bristling with defensiveness. I don't blame you - bringing up a small baby is exhausting and isolating, and harder if alone.

Lower your expectations, and see toddler groups as a chance for your child to do a bit of socialisation, and for you to get out of the house. They bore me to death, but my son benefits from them - I bring a book or some work if there's no one interesting to talk to. I would say that I cut at least as unusual a figure at local toddler groups - am much older than the local mothers, a foreigner, and am considered 'unplaceable' in class terms.

YABU, and massively projecting.

There's a 'mummy mafia' at some groups i go to to whom parenting is one massive competition. I tend for the most part to zone out when they get started. They are the 'cbeebies talkers', the ones potty training at 4 months or whatever. They're quite nice really though. Just a bit FULL ON MUMMY. I get it. They quit their careers and now their babies are their careers sort of thing.
I'm lucky though. I live in an area of all sorts and all sorts get on. There's no distinction or judgement. Or maybe I'm oblivious to it. I don't think so though.

You have to learn not to judge yourself first and foremost. And people being loud about parenting are generally a bit insecure.

I had this too. Went to groups for years in an area where most of the mums were older than me.

I wish now I hadn't gone. At the time I thought it was better I was getting out and about but they weren't making me feel any better!

Can you travel to a group in another area?

Hi op. I'll talk to you in a minute.
Loopy. I think you need to take a look at your own prejudiced views to be honest. What do you meAn by lower class mums.!!! That's a horrible derogative statement. You sound very clique yourself. Are you one of those mums who only lets their kids play with the ones from the right side of the road!

Op. Cliques are horrible. I lasted a few weeks. Got fed of all the bragging. Of how their darlings never had a tantrum. Were off the bottle at 1. Nappy trained at 18 months. Hated chocolate and would only eat fruit.
One cracked cow even said" Now my kids never fight. But I will admit. They did have a little to do last night because. She had more broccoli than her. Mind you I was the crackeder cow for believing it!
I swear I must have had the only child. Who has ever thrown a tantrum. Cried, eat chocolate and wasn't out of nappies before 2.
They were always bragging as well about giving birth with no pain relief.
One women even said. I'd hate to have a c/section. I'd feel like a failure.
Erm well sorry love for having pre eclampsia and having to have an emergency c/section to prevent me or my dd from dying!!!
I found parks and museums far more beneficial and certainly more educational.

Ok yeah i think you are right iabu a bit, I think I've probably been a bit crazy and suspicious of people and yes, projecting. I'm going to make more of an effort to be open minded and see how it goes. Some people are always going to judge everyone but that doesn't mean most people are like that (I hope)

Not at all, my kids play with a wide variety of kids, not judging the children but the 'Vicky pollard' mothers we get around here, who sneer and giggle behind the backs and loudly in front of anyone different to themselves. Interestingly their kids are normally quite sweet when at school/nursery.

yeh i could have written this even as a grad in my 30s I found that type of mum just awful and cliquey and v judgy. OP find another group.

My DP is a 40-year-old shy man at toddler groups, and he is always complaining about feeling awkward too.

Truth-be-told (questions of class aside) I think everyone finds those things socially excruciating and thinks everyone is in a different 'gang' to them. (all the Mums with 2, Mums with boys, Mums with girls, 20-somethings, 30-somethings, same-sex couples, baby-wearers, buggy-lovers, tiny kids, bigger kids etc etc). There is literally nothing to do except direct your toddler loudly (whether that is triangle-drawing or destruction-prevention): no-one wants to make anyone else feel bad and you end up asking stupid questions and making a tit out of yourself whoever you strike up conversation with. I have variously (OUT LOUD): assumed the parent is a nanny, the nanny is a parent, the boy is a girl, the Dad is a grandparent and so on. i felt dreadful afterwards, if it helps. That's why I don't go any more.

My advice: either avoid the groups that you can't bear or just assume that everyone else thinks they're being judged too.

There's probably another thread coming "I'm utterly mortified, I feel so out of place at toddler-group; for some reason I start bellowing and my toddler to draw triangles even though at home she spends the time tearing wallpaper off the wall"

I was coming to say the same thing, imagine a thread about mums who were really 'common' and spoke loudly to their children and ignored someone because they perceived her as 'posh' and old.

There are some very nauseating parents out there (I'm probably one). Some of the ones that wind me up most come from the same profession!

Groups vary in how cliquey they are, but if people can't turn up to a baby group without a mob of friends to support, then they've probably got a social issue themselves.

It is hard when you feel you have little in common other than a child of the same age.

Tango-My oh always hates playgroups as well, generally he is the only man there and I have seen how the playgroups interacts with him, and he is right most do shun him because he is a man. One woman asked him, why isn't he at work (he was on time off)

Maybe he and your dp could start a playgroup to include men.
Now they are the ones who should be complaining more of dealing with playgroups!

I actually think this sort of 'loud parenting' is fine at a toddler group. Some groups are more for parents to relax while kids charge around but I go to groups that are really designed for parents to interact with children. I like the fact I am focused on the DC there without distractions and maybe I do sound CBeebies but that's a good way to interact with children. There's a reason that type of speech and interaction is modelled on TV and that's because it's positive and conducive to learning. So playing with play dough, yeah I might be narrating the play and helping to direct it but it's not to show off! It's how children learn. I don't care what anyone else is or isn't saying to their kids.

Keep going to different ones, find one you like and then keep going, the more you got the more people/ you will recognise people.

Start up conversations if you can. Try to find someone on there own and talk to them.
Fwiw I'm a chav ( by definition) and did feel how you did, but once i got to know people I didn't feel judged and I'm not sure if it was my self consciousness or not to start with. I even invite them round to my thread bare house now.

Sometimes it just takes time

I just don't understand this thinking that toddler groups are about the mums.

The clue's in the name - TODDLER group. Not MUMS group.

OP, you made me laugh about the mum trying to teach her baby to draw triangles

But seriously, did you ds enjoy going? Don't worry about the other mums, don't pay any attention to what they're doing with their children or what they're saying to them (or how loud!). Focus on your ds.

Same with the 'school gate' thing, I just don't get it at all. It's not a social ground for mums, it's where you drop off your child and pick them up at the end of the day. Why would you necessarily be friends with people just because your dc go to the same school/toddler group.

OP, do you have friends from other walks of life?

i think everyone feels awkward at toddler groups if that helps! They are a bloody awkward place.

Sorry not to rtft but just so you know you are not alone.

Dancer - my group is definitely about the adults, perhaps that's why it's so well-liked. We have people who've been coming for years, with their first, their second, their third, it's lovely. As far as I see it, our toddler group is about filling a room with distracting things so the children will go off and leave their carers alone for two hours so they can have a quiet cup of tea and a chat with some other adults. Of course the adults do play with the children too but the main focus is to allow the adults to form friendships and to have a bit of a break from the boredom of being at home with children. We make sure that if anyone has a small baby that they get some extra attention - either we hold the baby for them for the whole session (passing said baby around - babies are popular!) or if the parent doesn't want that then we make sure he/she gets good supply of tea and biscuits and any older child is looked after. Our aim is that the adults are happy and enjoying themselves - the children have a great time no matter what really. I've made loads of friends through it and many others have formed strong friendships from it. That's what it's for IMO - creating a sense of community.

To add, I think that's the attitude you need to take with you to a toddler group, if you're hoping to socialise at one. Yes, my child is here, but really I'm here to chat to people so I need to relax, be friendly, don't get uptight about how others are parenting etc. There's very little discussion of parenting at all at our group - anyone who does start the competitive thing tends to get shut down when someone makes a funny remark. The atmosphere is very friendly and supportive. We're not there to compare anything we're just there to meet up and chat.

I found the same thing when I tried a local baby group, the mums were a lot older than me, all very career-focusses, I went with my SIL and still felt really shy but then I tried a different, larger group and found the other mums a lot more welcoming. I think your hormones make you feel a lot more sensitive, just try another group.

I'm one of the over 30, CBeebies voice, middle class (ish!) mums, the over the top encouragement voice is the result of lacking confidence in our own parenting abilities/overcompensating if you can believe that. I'm guilty of not talking to younger mums at toddler groups as they are so much prettier and trendier than me so I assume they won't want to talk to an old gimmer like me!
To also be fair, for me there are often lots of much younger mums at these groups and when I have approached some of them for a chat have got a hard stare/ or find they're smirking/eye rolling at each other about me. Some people do have the ability quite young to be able to chat to strangers etc but for some people I think it's something you acquire as you get older.
To be frank it sounds like you were maybe giving off defensive/negative vibes and judging the other mums as all being of a certain 'type'. You don't know what they might be going through or what their stories are.
Try going again and strike up conversation, you might be pleasantly surprised! One lady Iet at a group years ago I wrote off mentally as being 'too cool' for me, she's now one of my best friends. And she isn't cool at all! Funny, she didn't seem that flattered when I told her that recently ;-)

I always feel so frustrated when I read ops like yours.

You would think me, well off, speak POSH, look posh probably? You would think me, not wanting to talk to you, and seem stand off ish.
In fact I am not well off, at all, I am not posh either, WC family roots and I also feel very very awkward at toddler groups.

Because I am shy and find it hard to instigate conversation and small talk.

Not because I think the others have more ££ or less ££ or look common or posh.

Do a test to yourself, the next time you are out with partner, or dh, or mother or sister and having a chat, after a while, ask yourself, have you noticed someone coming into the playpark/cafe/restaurant/ alone, or sat alone?

often when chatting and keeping eye on child, you simply do not notice people alone or sat alone.

I speak posh(ish).too, Its just the accent. I'm not judging anyone on their accent. I didn't say everyone was posh. I'm shy. I'm not saying or thinking anything mean about them, I'm saying I feel really awkward because compared to most of them, on outside appearance It's obvious that I'm not parent of the year, I don't have a job or friends or hobbies or anything really to talk about and it's really awkward.

sorry luxywoop first you said 'everyone was MC' now you say that you 'speak posh' - make your mind up! Now you say it is not about the other mothers at all, it is because you are 'shy'. Often 'shy' people do come over as arrogant, so maybe be a bit more friendly?