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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked at my friend's opinion about abortions?

120 replies

CandyLane · 20/04/2015 09:51

I've recently become quite good friends with a new girl at work, over the past few months we've become really close and now consider her to be one of my closest friends.

But the other day she started telling me that a friend had had an abortion ''for no good reason''... I explained that obviously the girl must have felt that there was a good reason or else she wouldn't have done it.

Anyway, the conversation continued and she was just totally adamant that no woman should have an abortion unless they had been raped. I was shocked.
I totally understand that that's her personal opinion for herself, that she feels she couldn't live with the guilt of having an abortion, that's fair enough.
But what shocked me is that she couldn't empathise one tiny bit with somebody not wanting to continue with a pregnancy for their own personal reasons, none what so ever. She thinks if you get pregnant and you don't want it, it's tough, it's your fault and you should live with it.
I'm shocked that one of my friends can be so judgemental.

Luckily I've never found myself in a situation where I've wanted/needed an abortion, but I'm glad that we live in a country where the option is there to women if they feel they want it.

I'm somebody who tries to not judge others, I'm a true believer in not judging somebody if you haven't walked in their shoes. My friends all tend to be of a similar mindset to me too, I think that's why her opinion shocked and disappointed me so much.

AIBU to think she's just being really judgey?

Is this opinion 'normal'? It's not something that I often discuss with people but I really thought that most people are quite accepting of a woman's right to choose these days?

AIBU to feel unsure about whether I really want to continue being good friends with somebody who can be so judgemental?

OP posts:
Sansarya · 20/04/2015 09:55

She is being very judgey but alas people are entitled to their opinions, no matter how much you disagree with them!

Stopandlook · 20/04/2015 09:55

I think you're judging her to be honest. Some people believe life begins at conception and that's their right to believe it.

mistybluebellwoods · 20/04/2015 09:55

Some people believe it. I believed it when I was very young. I now don't and see it as a necessary evil but I wouldn't be shocked at anyone expressing this view :) it's a contentious issue, always has been.

For example I could not perform an abortion and I could not work in a clinic that did which indicates to me I am not altogether comfortable with it even though I have had one myself.

NerrSnerr · 20/04/2015 09:56

Yes she is being judgey but she is entitled to believe that. I personally don't but doesn't stop others from believing what they do.

PurpleSwift · 20/04/2015 09:57

I don't think its a very uncommon opinion but I find it a very ignorant one. If she was my friend I'd probably be distancing myself from them now. Such a lack of empathy isn't attractive in a friend.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 20/04/2015 09:58

I'd be surprised if I found out that someone who I thought was becoming a good friend/had a lot in common with was vehemently pro-life. I'm fairly certain I don't have any such friends.

Custardcream14 · 20/04/2015 09:58

I'd say that's a pretty standard opinion.

mistybluebellwoods · 20/04/2015 09:58

The other thing is that if you haven't experienced pregnancy or birth then it's difficult to understand it can make you very unwell. Furthermore many people think you can 'just' have your child adopted - taken away at birth by grateful adoptive parents. They genuinely don't know how complex it actually is.

Kewcumber · 20/04/2015 10:01

If you believe in life from conception then why the exemption for rape? Confused

What your friend is saying is that if you are forced to have sex then you can abort (so no sanctity of life argument) but if you voluntarily had sex then you should have carrying the resulting baby whatever the effect on you. It's a punishment for women having sex isn't it?

UnbelievableBollocks · 20/04/2015 10:02

A lot of people think like that, unfortunately.

People are entitled to their opinion, even if you find it distasteful. Really, all you can do is tell her you disagree and why you do.

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/04/2015 10:03

ultimately she's entitled to her opinion. but her opinion should effect only her. as long as she doesn't shout her mouth off or protest at clinics then sadly you will have to accept that's how she thinks.

I disagree strongly btw and I do think she can only say that because she's never been in a situation where she's had to make the decision. let's hope she never is.

I do think. I'd struggle to be on strong friendly terns though. knowing shed judge me for a decision that's not hers to make. It could happen to anyone at any time fir a whole number of reasons.

PurpleSwift · 20/04/2015 10:03

Misty is also right, I think many don't understand how complex things like adoption etc is. Who would Support all these unwanted children who would be born instead of aborted? We wouldn't have the resources to support that, is your friend going to step up and support them, take them in? I don't think so. Prolife believers tend to be prolife until the baby is born and then forget about it, move on to the next fetus.

kinkyfuckery · 20/04/2015 10:04

It's a fairly common opinion, isn't it? I felt like that myself until the last few years, if I'm honest.
Yes, she's being judgey, but so are you.

YABU to be "shocked" at her opinion, surely you knew some people felt like that?

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 20/04/2015 10:05

If you believe in life from conception then why the exemption for rape?

I've never understood this inconsistency. If someone was poised to kill a baby because s/he was the product of a rape, I'd grab the baby and call the police.

ArcheryAnnie · 20/04/2015 10:05

I've been pro-choice for as long as I can remember, and it's one of the central tenets of my beliefs - a woman's body is her own, and she alone gets to decide what happens to it, including whether she carries a baby or not. I think that whatever reason a woman has for having an abortion is a valid reason.

A lot of my friends think the same way. Some of them don't. Some of these have changed their minds over the years, and some haven't.

If you like and enjoy this other woman's company, then carry on with your friendship. You can choose to spend the next 30 years arguing about this subject (some people find political/philosphical discussion stimulating and enjoyable) or you can choose to set it aside and focus on the stuff you have in common.

I really enjoy having friends in my friendship circles who are not just echo-chambers of the way I think. It's possibly to value someone without agreeing with everything they think or say.

dollius · 20/04/2015 10:06

It's a silly opinion actually because if you believe that life begins at conception and the baby's life must be prioritised, then why make an exception for rape? That is inconsistent.

SaucyJack · 20/04/2015 10:06

Kewcumber- I doubt it's to do with punishing women for having sex as such. I guess she just means if someone's big and ugly enough to choose to have sex, then they should be big and ugly enough to deal with the consequences of failed or improperly used contraception. Obviously it's reasonable enough to exempt rape victims from that line of thought.

FWIW I don't actually share that view meself.

dollius · 20/04/2015 10:07

Oops, sorry, someone already made that point.

Kewcumber · 20/04/2015 10:08

misty more the point its not just about how "complex" adoption is, it the long lasting effects that often result from a child who suffers the physical separation from at least two key people in their life - birth mother and foster carer at crucial stages of development. And many children who were adopted will always have a gap in their life which will never be able to be explained away or filled in.

Adoption can be the best route to a stable happy life for many children but to just assume that adoption is better than abortion is irresponsible and really just allows a birth parents view to trump the possible unhappiness of a child. In other words, just because the parent can't cope with the unhappiness an abortion will cause them then their child will have to deal with the outcome instead.

I think considering all the options before making your mind up is more responsible.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 10:10

YABU to be 'shocked' plenty of people hold this view, it is why abortion is controversial!

grannytomine · 20/04/2015 10:10

Legally she is right isn't she? You are supposed to have a medical reason, risk to mother or baby, for an abortion to be legal, well that is how I understand it.

Feckeggblue · 20/04/2015 10:10

Sounds like she sees forced motherhood as a punishment for women having sex then. Nicely misogynist.
Amongst people I know it would be a very uncommon view and as others have said it strikes me as a get immature one, but she is entitled to it. I would think less of her though

Kewcumber · 20/04/2015 10:12

SaucyJack yes thats another interpretation - I suspect both are true for differnt people.

I'm suspicious because I've heard talk of "suffering the consequences" whatever the reason for the unwanted pregnancy. Don't think I've ever heard of a man being expected to "suffer" the consequences of an unwanted pregnancy except to be fair here on MN. Men don't seem to be expected to "suffer" are they not big enough and ugly enough too?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 20/04/2015 10:13

After a very judgey OP, you write:
AIBU to think she's just being really judgey?
It's at times like this, I wish MN had a pot/kettle smiley Grin

YABU to consider it odd that someone has a different opinion from you on abortion (or any other contentious matter).

littlejohnnydory · 20/04/2015 10:13

I think your friend worded her views badly but being anti abortion isn't synonymous with being judgemental