To be shocked at my friend's opinion about abortions?

[CandyLane]

I've recently become quite good friends with a new girl at work, over the past few months we've become really close and now consider her to be one of my closest friends.

But the other day she started telling me that a friend had had an abortion ''for no good reason''... I explained that obviously the girl must have felt that there was a good reason or else she wouldn't have done it.

Anyway, the conversation continued and she was just totally adamant that no woman should have an abortion unless they had been raped. I was shocked.
I totally understand that that's her personal opinion for herself, that she feels she couldn't live with the guilt of having an abortion, that's fair enough.
But what shocked me is that she couldn't empathise one tiny bit with somebody not wanting to continue with a pregnancy for their own personal reasons, none what so ever. She thinks if you get pregnant and you don't want it, it's tough, it's your fault and you should live with it.
I'm shocked that one of my friends can be so judgemental.

Luckily I've never found myself in a situation where I've wanted/needed an abortion, but I'm glad that we live in a country where the option is there to women if they feel they want it.

I'm somebody who tries to not judge others, I'm a true believer in not judging somebody if you haven't walked in their shoes. My friends all tend to be of a similar mindset to me too, I think that's why her opinion shocked and disappointed me so much.

AIBU to think she's just being really judgey?

Is this opinion 'normal'? It's not something that I often discuss with people but I really thought that most people are quite accepting of a woman's right to choose these days?

AIBU to feel unsure about whether I really want to continue being good friends with somebody who can be so judgemental?

Kewcumber I see mental health issues as medical as it is a health issue. I don't think we should be saying that is is valid to have an abortion because of a physical issue and not because of a mental issue. But the fact remains that there are reasons stipulated by the Abortion Act and legally we don't have abortion on demand although that is how people seem to see it.

I am surprised that you were shocked as it is well known that people have differing opinions on abortion.
It is up to you to decide if this means you are incompatible as friends.
I don't have the same opinions as all my friends on everything and there is room for tolerance.
However there are some opinions and values that are so contrary to my own that I couldn't sustain a friendship with someone holding them.
I could be friends with someone who didn't agree with me about abortion because I can see where different people are coming from.

Kew I know all those points about adoption but the point is most people don't and believe you can 'just' have a baby you aren't ready for adopted by loving parents. They haven't a clue of course, but then why would they, and adoption is often seen as a 'compromise' between ending a life and having a child you don't want.

Sometimes the whole 'everyone's entitled to their opinion' thing is a load of crap. It's used to excuse all manner of racist, misogynist, homophobic views that frankly I don't think society should stand for

I agree with this.

The way she was talking about it was similar to the way a racist or bigot would talk - quite aggressive and with no tolerance or understanding.

I wouldn't be friends with somebody who was racist or homophobic, yes they're entitled to their opinion but I'd probably just think they were a dick, and I'm entitled to my opinion too

Please dont be shocked when she also has strong views against mothers recieving benefits to care for these children.

You must have been raised in/live in a lovely bubble of liberal and forward thinking people, all of whom I am sure I would be delighted to know. This is life outside it.

Misty why would they? Why would anyone understand that it's a completely horrendous and traumatic thing to have to go through - grow a human being for 9 months and have to hand it over to another person??

I'm sorry, but anyone who can't work that out for themselves is an idiot, plain and simple.

Yabu to be shocked , people have their own opinions and she probably felt safe to share hers with you. I agree a woman should have the right to choose but it still makes me uncomfortable thinking about it. A man at work recently went through it with his girlfriend having an abortion, but some of the language he was using about it truly upset me having had multiple miscarriages at a similar stage.

Your friend needs to learn to do what I did and keep her mouth shut and leave other people to make their own choices. ( oh and move desks !)

YABU to be shocked that she holds this opinion. I agree with SunnyBaudelaire that it's not an appropriate conversation for the workplace though.

God forbid that we were ever in a situation where abortion was only allowed in cases of rape - how could it possibly work? By the time a rapist was convicted (and we all know how often that happens) nine months would probably have gone by! Perhaps a doctor would be allowed to perform an abortion if the woman simply said she'd been raped ... I can see that working really well not. Or maybe abortion would be allowed only in cases of 'real' rape, with certain injuries etc, not if a woman was raped by her partner, husband, a friend. It's a totally nonsensical view to hold.

For instance, I once had a friend who said that in her opinion black people were naturally less intelligent than white people

what was her evidence for this opinion? What utter bullshit!

I suppose I'm lucky that I've been brought up in a pretty big city where anything goes, gays are accepted, different cultures and races are just the norm, on the whole people are very tolerant and people tend to be open minded.
I've probably just come to expect everybody to be open minded, because that's the norm to me.

My friend has recently moved to Australia and she really struggles with a lot of their ignorance, she finds them to be very racist, again probably because she's grown up in a society where people are very accepting of others.

Candy I've lived in East London all my life and so had she and she still had this opinion!

It was unbelievable.

I'm shocked that she considers pregnancy caused by rape as a legitimate argument for abortion but not where the health (in a significant way) of the mother is at risk! Opinions on abortion can change through your life. When I was young I was frequently taken aback by peer's overly casual attitude to contraception. I will admit I may have (if asked) considered a pregnancy thus their own problem and they should be faced with no way out. I am older. I realise more what a pregnancy, a birth, a child, a miscarriage, infertility, the loss of a child (not all personal experience). The more I know the more and more I am outspokenly prochoice. But I also realise (having had miscarriages) personal experience could be colouring her view now. Does she carry regret? Did she terminate or lose a pregnancy. These things have impacts on a persons (pretty much only emotional) response to this subject.

Parsnip, because people think abortion means someone doesn't want the baby. Their minds believe that 'you don't want the baby, so give it to someone who does.' Of course it isn't that simple but people do think like that :)

It does mean they don't want the baby, but that doesn't mean they want to give birth to it and hand it over to someone else?!

YABU.

Plenty of people believe that life begins at conception, and that is a perfectly valid belief. A natural extension of that belief is that abortion is wrong in all but the most extreme circumstances where the birth would be genuinely detrimental to the person.

Ptolemy, so, you don't think simply not wanting to have a baby is a good enough reason to terminate? You'd prefer to have a child passed through social services or be raised a parent who didn't want it?

Why does society seem to think it can lay ownership over women's bodies? It has no fucking right to.

I used to have the same opinion, I am ashamed to say...except I thought it was wrong in cases of abortion too. I used to say that the rapist then claimed two victims. To me it was clear cut - the baby's life started at conception and she/he was just as human as me or you, and who was anyone else to decide if they should live or die.

I have completely changed...well, I still believe life starts at conception, but I see things differently in that I completely believe in women's bodily autonomy and sometimes their life circumstances are just not right for a child, whatever they may be.

My family are completely anti-abortion and so I keep my opinions to myself as it would upset them too much. They are very pious and devout Catholics, wealthy and live rurally in a like-minded community, and extremely ignorant of people's real lives.

Duh....cases of rape, I mean.

Mmm I tend to take opinions about abortion from people who have never or can never (men) get pregnant with a pinch of salt.

She hadn't got a clue how she would act or feel as she's never been there.

Anyone is entitled to an opinion on this as long As they accept others have theirs.

If you want personal opinions I support a woman's right to choose an abortion for any reason at any stage in her pregnancy without question.

Anything less is compromising to a woman's bodily autonomy.

It you don't agree with abortion don't have one. Absolutely. But you really shouldn't be judging people who do.

Completely agree pyjamas

Op it wouldn't bother me if a friend felt they could never go through with an abortion. What would bother me is the lack of empathy. I cant stand the attitude "well I managed so you should too"
Its nobodies business if I choose to end a pregnancy that is happening in my body.

I've had an abortion and it was for my own personal reasons, it isn't the general publics business.

I don't need to justify why and I never will. My body, My choice..

People should respect other people's views. I don't preach to others what they should do and don't think other people should either.

For what its worth I have 4 children and have been harassed by a GP and family planning clinic about having an abortion. It is one thing to say it is an option but I found it quite offensive to be told it was the best option. Maybe best for them but not for me.

Same with amnio as an older mum, doctor reduced me to tears when I declined and he got very irritated. Honestly shouting at pregnant woman who has had a difficult few weeks with threatened miscarriage. Fortunately the Consultant had a rather more grown up view and was happy to support my choice. And that is the point I don't get, pro choice often seems to mean no choice if someone decided you are too young, too old, are having problems with pregnancy or whatever.

Maybe, on some level she regrets not having felt she had that option and can't bring herself to accept she was wrong? Maybe if she is young, she will learn to see that things are rarely so black and white. I wouldn't necessarily ditch a friend for having a different opinion from me, but it might mean I would see them and their friendship differently.

Granny so if my view was that paedophilia should be legalised, you'd respect that, would you?

Parsnip, I didn't say I believed that abortion was wrong and should have the baby adopted. I'm explaining how some people 'see it.' There is no need for the !?s at me. I've had an abortion and I have experience with adoption; I know full well what both entail, but if people don't, they don't.

I don't feel abortion is the same as paedophila; I think people are allowed not to agree with it :)

I know a lot of very young girls who say vocally in lessons (am a teacher) that abortion is 'tight' and they'd never have one. I respect their view for what it is: a simplistic one that will change as they see the world is not simple.

My Dad was anti abortion but supportive of mine; put it that way.