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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be shocked at my friend's opinion about abortions?

120 replies

CandyLane · 20/04/2015 09:51

I've recently become quite good friends with a new girl at work, over the past few months we've become really close and now consider her to be one of my closest friends.

But the other day she started telling me that a friend had had an abortion ''for no good reason''... I explained that obviously the girl must have felt that there was a good reason or else she wouldn't have done it.

Anyway, the conversation continued and she was just totally adamant that no woman should have an abortion unless they had been raped. I was shocked.
I totally understand that that's her personal opinion for herself, that she feels she couldn't live with the guilt of having an abortion, that's fair enough.
But what shocked me is that she couldn't empathise one tiny bit with somebody not wanting to continue with a pregnancy for their own personal reasons, none what so ever. She thinks if you get pregnant and you don't want it, it's tough, it's your fault and you should live with it.
I'm shocked that one of my friends can be so judgemental.

Luckily I've never found myself in a situation where I've wanted/needed an abortion, but I'm glad that we live in a country where the option is there to women if they feel they want it.

I'm somebody who tries to not judge others, I'm a true believer in not judging somebody if you haven't walked in their shoes. My friends all tend to be of a similar mindset to me too, I think that's why her opinion shocked and disappointed me so much.

AIBU to think she's just being really judgey?

Is this opinion 'normal'? It's not something that I often discuss with people but I really thought that most people are quite accepting of a woman's right to choose these days?

AIBU to feel unsure about whether I really want to continue being good friends with somebody who can be so judgemental?

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 20/04/2015 10:34

She is very young, not much experience of hard stuff, IYKWIM.

It think that may well explain her attitude although some people never develop an empathy gene and will go through life thinking "well I did so why shouldn't you"

It would be akin to me going around to pregnant women saying to them incredulously "but I adopted and there are children who need families why on earth did you get pregnant when you could have adopted instead?"

OnlyLovers · 20/04/2015 10:35

the fact that person did not have a valid reason for ending that particular babies life becuase it was the wrong time

That's not a fact; it's your opinion.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 20/04/2015 10:36

I've encountered a person who had an abortion for "no good reason". This person said -- i don't want a baby now, but next year i will.

Why isn't that a good reason to have an abortion?

SurlyCue · 20/04/2015 10:36

There is no semantics in the fact that person did not have a valid reason for ending that particular babies life becuase it was the wrong time though.

It being the wrong time is perfectly valid. As i said. It is irrelevant that you think it isnt good enough because it isnt your body or your pregnancy. She wasnt asking anything of your body. It was her own, so whatever reason she deemed valid, makes it valid because it is her reason and her body.

parsnipbob · 20/04/2015 10:40

I had an abortion at 19 when I was 7 weeks pregnant. I don't regret it. I'm not ashamed of it. And I had the procedure done on the NHS.

It's no one's choice what you do with your body but yours.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 20/04/2015 10:41

God, I would really struggle with this.

My personal position is pro-choice. Absolutely and categorically.

I can respect the position that someone does not believe in abortion for any reason (except, perhaps, conditions utterly incompatible with life).

The idea that you should only have an abortion if you have been raped is totally illogical and I find it so judgemental and misogynistic that I would really struggle to maintain a close friendship with someone with that view. The total lack of empathy would also be a deal breaker.

Either life begins at conception and the foetus has rights, in which case the method of conception is irrelevant. Or it doesn't and it is a personal choice (I believe the latter). The idea that the foetus has rights except if you've been raped is basically just judging women for daring to have consensual sex.

GatoradeMeBitch · 20/04/2015 10:42

I guessed she was very young before you confirmed it. I would only be shocked to hear those kind of opinions coming from someone who had life experience. I would probably have said similar things at 17/18. I needed to grow up a bit to realize things aren't always tidily black or white.

parsnipbob · 20/04/2015 10:43

Oh, and I would actually find it impossible to maintain a friendship with someone who held this opinion. Sometimes the whole 'everyone's entitled to their opinion' thing is a load of crap. It's used to excuse all manner of racist, misogynist, homophobic views that frankly I don't think society should stand for.

If you don't agree with abortion, then don't have one. Simple as that. Keep your mouth shut about women who do.

FeijoaSundae · 20/04/2015 10:43

I had an abortion when I was 24, the reason being, I wasn't ready to have a baby.

Is it a valid reason? It 100% was a valid reason for me.

I'm not ashamed of it, I was just utterly relieved when it was all over.

parsnipbob · 20/04/2015 10:44

Penguins hear hear!

Custardcream14 · 20/04/2015 10:45

I agree there are certainly reasons where is should and is an option.

But it's hard to feel that great about people having repeat (yes!) abortions due to their own lack of responsibility, then again perhaps these sort of people wouldn't be beneficial for a child anyway.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 10:46

"If you don't agree with abortion, then don't have one. Simple as that. Keep your mouth shut about women who do."

good point, bob, but it has to work the other way as well!
personally I found it offensive when two women at work were shouting about how they would immediately have an abortion if they got pregnant.
Of course neither of them had ever been in such a situation, nor did they have any thought for those around them who might have.
Silly women.

FeijoaSundae · 20/04/2015 10:46

Everyone's entitled to their opinion.

And I'm entitled to think you're a thoroughly unlikable person, if you hold an opinion I fundamentally disagree withp, and personally think is wrong.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 10:47

so there is no room in friendships for anyone who does not agree with your own opinion? Really?

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 20/04/2015 10:48

But it's hard to feel that great about people having repeat (yes!) abortions due to their own lack of responsibility, then again perhaps these sort of people wouldn't be beneficial for a child anyway.

Well, actually this type of person is very rare (far rarer than certain elements of the press would like you to believe).

But also, you've hit the nail on the head when you say that surely the sort of person who makes repeated 'irresponsible' decisions is just the sort of person who shouldnt' be forced into parenthood?

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 20/04/2015 10:48

personally I found it offensive when two women at work were shouting about how they would immediately have an abortion if they got pregnant.

You would be right to find this inappropriate workplace banter - but why were you offended?

Viviennemary · 20/04/2015 10:49

You are judging her opinions as much as she is judging yours. A lot of people do feel abortion is morally wrong.

FeijoaSundae · 20/04/2015 10:49

I wouldn't be friends with someone who held that opinion, and was free and easy in expressing it, no.

Other differences of opinion, I'd judge on a case-by-case basis.

Doesn't everyone?!

Or are you friends with people who are, say, pro-slavery, or think all women should be chattels to their husbands...?

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 10:50

" why were you offended?"
well it was totally inappropriate as you say.

I found it offensive because neither woman had had an abortion and they were shouting about something they knew nothing about.
I had had an abortion at that point and found it really traumatic.

PurpleSwift · 20/04/2015 10:52

Well yes, everyone has a friend of a friend of a friend who has had (insert shocking amount of abortions here) abortions because they keep 'accidentally' getting pregnant. I've never met one of these people, though I don't doubt they exist but I wouldn't concern myself with it as it certainly isn't common.

Hathall · 20/04/2015 10:52

I used to have that opinion when I was very young. I then changed it when I met a girl who had had one and it made total sense why she did.
Now that I've had children and experienced pregnancy and birth myself, I am so strongly of the view that no woman should have to go through that if they don't want to, whatever their reasons.
I have a friend who struggled to conceive and she finds my view offensive. I don't agree with her anti abortion views either.
We just agree to disagree.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion, which is not always fixed. She may change her views one day.

TheCraicDealer · 20/04/2015 10:53

Someone up-thread said it when they pointed out people who hold views like this generally seem to be out of touch with a number of things. Examples of which are:-

How difficult adoption is for both the biological parent and potentially the child as they grow up. A possible re-opening of the wound when they’re old enough to find out about their parents and make contact. Like it or not, there is more of a stigma attached to a mother ‘abandoning’ her child than a father; you’ll have to be mentally strong to live with that and the reactions of anyone you might tell.
Decide to keep the baby? Then prepare to be on the bones of your arse unless you have a decent job that can fund childcare, a suitable place to live and all the other costs which come with having a child. The benefits in this country are nothing to be excited about and you’re unlikely to get a council property any time soon.
They may expect that you’ll get help from the baby’s father. If you can’t come to some sort of private arrangement, you’ll have to use the CSA who now charge for their services. And if your baby’s dad is enough of a cock he’ll be able to successfully avoid paying anything or face little in the way of sanctions for not paying for some of the costs of raising his child.

Until these issues (and others which I haven’t mentioned) are resolved, then imho views like this are just inherently sexist. No-one should be forced to live in abject circumstances or have their life choices/mental health impacted in such a way because they once had consensual sex. She can think that way if she wants, but it would signal to me that she doesn't know much about the real world if I'm being honest.

parsnipbob · 20/04/2015 10:55

Feijoa yes I agree with you, would you really be friends with someone incredibly racist or who thought that women should be slaves or that paedophilia should be allowed?

I'm happy for friends to disagree with me but if their opinions are morally repugnant to me I have the right to choose not to associate with them.

For instance, I once had a friend who said that in her opinion black people were naturally less intelligent than white people. I have not seen her since.

RedToothBrush · 20/04/2015 11:01

People are entitled to have the wrong opinion.

Its not their fault they are ignorant, lack life experience or empathy.

Original poster

CandyLane · 20/04/2015 11:06

I once supported my best friend through having an abortion, I didn't particularly agree with her reasons, they were reasons which maybe wouldn't have been strong enough for me to terminate a pregnancy but to her they were important and valid reasons.
I didn't once question her reasons, I made sure that she was certain and that she wasn't just making a rash decision, but she was certain it was what she wanted.

I totally believe in a woman's right to decide what happens to her body. It must be awful to have a life growing inside you that you don't want there.

I also feel that the rights of a woman are more important than the rights of a fetus. Most terminations happen very early in the pregancy, often before it could even be called 'a baby'. But that is a matter of opinion.

OP posts:

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