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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be shocked at my friend's opinion about abortions?

120 replies

CandyLane · 20/04/2015 09:51

I've recently become quite good friends with a new girl at work, over the past few months we've become really close and now consider her to be one of my closest friends.

But the other day she started telling me that a friend had had an abortion ''for no good reason''... I explained that obviously the girl must have felt that there was a good reason or else she wouldn't have done it.

Anyway, the conversation continued and she was just totally adamant that no woman should have an abortion unless they had been raped. I was shocked.
I totally understand that that's her personal opinion for herself, that she feels she couldn't live with the guilt of having an abortion, that's fair enough.
But what shocked me is that she couldn't empathise one tiny bit with somebody not wanting to continue with a pregnancy for their own personal reasons, none what so ever. She thinks if you get pregnant and you don't want it, it's tough, it's your fault and you should live with it.
I'm shocked that one of my friends can be so judgemental.

Luckily I've never found myself in a situation where I've wanted/needed an abortion, but I'm glad that we live in a country where the option is there to women if they feel they want it.

I'm somebody who tries to not judge others, I'm a true believer in not judging somebody if you haven't walked in their shoes. My friends all tend to be of a similar mindset to me too, I think that's why her opinion shocked and disappointed me so much.

AIBU to think she's just being really judgey?

Is this opinion 'normal'? It's not something that I often discuss with people but I really thought that most people are quite accepting of a woman's right to choose these days?

AIBU to feel unsure about whether I really want to continue being good friends with somebody who can be so judgemental?

OP posts:

Jessica2point0 · 20/04/2015 16:07

parsnip, I don't think that granny was being unreasonable in her last post. If it is her choice to have an abortion it is also her choice to not have an abortion. Nobody should be pressured to having a medical procedure that they don't want.

Madamecastafiore · 20/04/2015 16:09

It's incredibly immature IMO to not be able to have a relationship with someone who doesn't share the same opinions as you.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 20/04/2015 16:13

It's incredibly immature IMO to not be able to have a relationship with someone who doesn't share the same opinions as you.

No, it depends on the extremity of the view

I have friends from all over the political spectrum who I enjoy having debates with - I have cut friendships with people who INSIST on turning everything into a political debate and then shout down anyone who disagrees with them and cannot acknowledge others view points.

Her inability to have any empathy for somebody else's choices because they're not what she would choose places her in the latter category.

LineRunner · 20/04/2015 16:15

I am shocked you are shocked on here, OP, given much of the bizarre right wing anti-abortion propaganda that MN allows.

This is supposed to be a site to make parents' lives easier. Between 35-50% of women in this country in our lifetimes will have an abortion, a legal medical procedure, and most will already be or become parents.

Yet they are allowed to be vilified on MN.

Original poster

CandyLane · 20/04/2015 16:31

It's incredibly immature IMO to not be able to have a relationship with someone who doesn't share the same opinions as you

I have no problem with her having a different opinion to me, what I have a problem with is her having absolutely no compassion or empathy for the millions of women across the world who, at some point in the lives, find themselves pregnant with a baby they don't want.

OP posts:

SoonToBeMrsB · 20/04/2015 16:38

I have two good friends who considered abortions (with very valid, logical reasons). One terminated, the other didn't. Both made the right decision for themselves at that point in their life and neither regret their decision.

I would never judge someone who is absolutely certain that an abortion is the right choice for them and I couldn't be friends with someone who had no empathy in that situation.

Original poster

CandyLane · 20/04/2015 16:43

And I have a problem with her attitude of "well I did such a such so everybody else should...." And "well I wouldn't do that so other people shouldn't either"

I do think she's quite immatute and maybe in a few years she'll see life differently.

In general she doesn't seem to engage her brain before she speaks and she's rarely diplomatic in the way she says things.

Oh and she's not happy that her PILs are "spending all their inheritance".

OP posts:

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 20/04/2015 16:47

Yes I agree there are some prople that hell would freeze over before I could even nod at let alone be friends.

The loathe some bitch Katie Hopkins for one.

Original poster

CandyLane · 20/04/2015 16:54

Pyjamas - yes katie Hopkins is a good example.
Part of what makes her so vile is that she can't see past the end of her nose, she thinks everybody should think and do the same as her.
A lot of her thoughts would be fine if she just kept them in her head! But some opinions should be kept to yourself because they can offend people.

OP posts:

grannytomine · 20/04/2015 17:38

parsnipbob, are you saying that something in my post indicated I would respect a vew that paedophilia should be legalised? To be honest I think your attitude is similar to the doctor who decided I should have an abortion, not that I could but that I should. There is a law in this country that people can have an abortion if they meet certain conditions. I don't know of any law that says people should have an abortion. Paedophilia is not a legal activity so nothing like the same.

I think you have exactly proved my point that there should be respect on both sides. You clearly have no respect for anyone elses view.

Although I am quite clear that abortion is not for me that is my personal view for me. I would also never have a tattoo, my choice. I was in a position that a young woman who worked for me was in a difficult situation, she was pregnant, didn't know who the father was, thought it might have been a man who abused her after getting her drunk, rape but she didn't call it that. She had fundamentalist Christian parents who she felt would throw her out, she had mental health problems. I was the person she turned to, I was the person who went to the abortion clinic with her, held her hand and dried her tears.

Like I said, mutual respect.

parsnipbob · 20/04/2015 17:55

Granny, being pro choice doesn't mean you think women should have abortions, it means women should choose and not be judged. I am not judging you for not having one. That was your right.

My point is that this whole 'respect others opinion' thing can often mean people are allowed to get away with outrageous opinions completely unchallenged. In my view saying abortions shouldn't be allowed unless the woman was raped is a disgusting, outrageous statement to make. So I do not respect that opinion.

mrsmeerkat · 20/04/2015 18:02

We are all entitled to our view whether pro life or choice but I actually think your friend should keep her own thoughts to herself on this matter.

It is certainly not something I would discuss in public. I am an 'a la carte' Catholic but fairly liberal. I don't think her views are unusual but not something for her to preach about.

I haven't been in a position personally so I don't know what I believe on the issue of termination but I know I couldn't go through with one, but who knows. That's why I don't judge others.

Everyone has to make their own choices and respect each others choices.

grannytomine · 20/04/2015 18:13

But if it is mutual respect one side wouldn't be saying that anymore than the other side would be pushing people to have abortions. I don't see mutual respect as being you can say anything and I will respect it, surely it goes without saying that if we are going to have mutual respect then one person can't say abortions shouldn't be allowed unless the woman was raped, that would not be respecting the view of the person who felt that the abortion was the right thing to do. That is my point.

What I mean by mutual respect is I would never have an abortion, I am sorry that people need to have abortions but if, for whatever lawful reason, they feel it is the right decision for them, then that is their right and I don't expect to be attacked because I don't choose to have one.

I'm not sorry that people need abortion because I am judging them but because I don't believe it is a pleasant experience. I'm sorry one of my children needed a tonsillectomy but not from any moral or judgemental reason but because he suffered before the op and it was painful for him for a week or two afterwards. I wish he had nice healthy tonsils like his siblings but he needed the op. He got through it.

I had my first two children as a teenager and another two 20 years later. The Dr actually said to me, "You had one family when you were too young and now you are having another when you are too old." Who the hell is he to decide that? Who am I to judge the young woman who worked for me who felt her only option was to have an abortion?

I hope that clarifies what I mean, I can't think of any other way to explain it.

expatinscotland · 20/04/2015 18:19

So why are spending time outside work with this person? In addition to her opinions on abortion, you've gone on to detail other mindsets of hers you find you disagree with. Doesn't it make more sense to just start swerving her rather than start a thread online to make yourself feel morally superior to her? You don't like how she thinks very much, she doesn't engage her brain before speaking (in your opinion), etc etc. So why would you spend time with someone you don't seem to like very much, much less assert she's a friend?

That makes you sound rather two-faced, tbh.

expatinscotland · 20/04/2015 18:23

'I have no problem with her having a different opinion to me, what I have a problem with is her having absolutely no compassion or empathy for the millions of women across the world who, at some point in the lives, find themselves pregnant with a baby they don't want.'

That's your problem, not hers. You see this as a character flaw in her. She doesn't. So challenge her then. She's your friend.

Duckdeamon · 20/04/2015 18:28

Sounds like as you have got to know her you have discovered that you don't like things about her, so might want to cool or even end the friendship: fair enough if the things you dislike outweigh your enjoyment of her friendship.

BatteryPoweredHen · 20/04/2015 18:50

I would have a massive problem with someone who believed this and wouldn't spend any more time with them than was absolutely necessary.

I feel the same about racists, homophobes, UKIP voters, religious zealots etc.

I think there are some opinions that are beyond the pale and not deserving of being respected.

FeijoaSundae · 20/04/2015 19:41

Absolutely this ^^

Sansarya · 20/04/2015 19:59

^^ Ditto

Bambambini · 20/04/2015 23:53

She sounds young and will possibly change her mind about many things as she gets older., I did. Up to you if you can accept her views or not. Somethings just can't be ignored or forgotten - depends if this is one of those things.

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