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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked at my friend's opinion about abortions?

120 replies

CandyLane · 20/04/2015 09:51

I've recently become quite good friends with a new girl at work, over the past few months we've become really close and now consider her to be one of my closest friends.

But the other day she started telling me that a friend had had an abortion ''for no good reason''... I explained that obviously the girl must have felt that there was a good reason or else she wouldn't have done it.

Anyway, the conversation continued and she was just totally adamant that no woman should have an abortion unless they had been raped. I was shocked.
I totally understand that that's her personal opinion for herself, that she feels she couldn't live with the guilt of having an abortion, that's fair enough.
But what shocked me is that she couldn't empathise one tiny bit with somebody not wanting to continue with a pregnancy for their own personal reasons, none what so ever. She thinks if you get pregnant and you don't want it, it's tough, it's your fault and you should live with it.
I'm shocked that one of my friends can be so judgemental.

Luckily I've never found myself in a situation where I've wanted/needed an abortion, but I'm glad that we live in a country where the option is there to women if they feel they want it.

I'm somebody who tries to not judge others, I'm a true believer in not judging somebody if you haven't walked in their shoes. My friends all tend to be of a similar mindset to me too, I think that's why her opinion shocked and disappointed me so much.

AIBU to think she's just being really judgey?

Is this opinion 'normal'? It's not something that I often discuss with people but I really thought that most people are quite accepting of a woman's right to choose these days?

AIBU to feel unsure about whether I really want to continue being good friends with somebody who can be so judgemental?

OP posts:
LikeIcan · 20/04/2015 10:14

YABU. Your friends views are the views of many.

PurpleSwift · 20/04/2015 10:16

Granny you do not need a medical reason for an abortion.

FarFromAnyRoad · 20/04/2015 10:16

YABU. Why are her views worthy of judgement and yours not? Do you see what that makes you?

katiegeee · 20/04/2015 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 20/04/2015 10:17

granny reasons for abortion include risk to mothers mental health or risk to existing childrens mental health - so its not as clear cut as "medical reason"

Feckeggblue · 20/04/2015 10:17

The OPs friend is judging her friend who had an abortion for reasons she didn't deem important enough.

WorraLiberty · 20/04/2015 10:17

I'm not sure why you're shocked that someone would hold a view like that?

SurlyCue · 20/04/2015 10:18

Im quite Hmm that youre shocked by her opinion. Have you really never known this opinion exists? Its quite a common one.

AGirlCalledBoB · 20/04/2015 10:18

I don't think she is being judgemental as such. Her belief is life begins at contraception and so abortion should not be done for just any reason if it can be avoided. There are many others who believe the same.

I am pro-choice myself and respect women can now choose. Personally after seeing my son at his 12 week scan, I would find it hard to abort near that stage, if at all so i would just deal with having a second child if I accidently fell pregnant not that I would tell that to someone if they were considering an abortion.

AggyMoo · 20/04/2015 10:18

Its her right to express her opinion. Its your right to disagree and to argue your point if you feel strongly enough about it.

Personally, opinions like hers make my blood boil and I would probably cool my interactions with her for fear of giving her a long and impassioned lecture about what life is like for women in countries where abortion is not freely and safely available.

BUT: She is a colleague, not a friend, so little point it becoming an issue between the two of you. Give her a swerve and dont have the conversation again. Thats my advice.

SaucyJack · 20/04/2015 10:18

Well, men do have consequences from unplanned pregnancies Kewcumber- or at least they would if the CSA was fit for purpose.

It's never going to affect men and women equally tho- but that's just biology. Stressing about sexual quality in unplanned pregnancy is as about as productive as head butting a brick wall.

FishCanFly · 20/04/2015 10:19

I've encountered a person who had an abortion for "no good reason". This person said -- i don't want a baby now, but next year i will. And... refuses to use any forms of contraception.
Her life, her choice. But its hard not to feel judgy.

TheoriginalLEM · 20/04/2015 10:20

I strongly believe that abortion is not a form of contraception. That might be an unpopular opinion but for me there needs to be a bloody good reason to end a life.

PurpleSwift · 20/04/2015 10:21

I don't think anyone here is saying abortion is a form of contraception.

MissDuke · 20/04/2015 10:21

Like everything in life, she is entitled to her own opinions. It is up to you whether you can be friends with someone with different opinions to yourself. It wouldn't bother me too much so long as she didn't talk about it much.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 10:23

"Its her right to express her opinion"

Quite honestly I do not think that the workplace is a suitable place for the airing of opinions on controversial matters and find it hard to believe that anyone would actually think that this would be an appropriate topic of work convo.

Kewcumber · 20/04/2015 10:23

And yes I think her view is not uncommon because often people just can't imagine being in a position where they might feel its their best option.

I try not to superimpose views, abilities, support structure and personal circumstances on other people. So despite having had failed fertility treatment and having an adopted child and supporting us as a single parent (and therefore should in theory in a position to say "of course you can cope") I am totally supportive of a womans right to chose to continue her pregnancy or not (within the legal framework).

I have seen enough children damaged for life by birth parents who really weren't capable of parenting adequately to believe that in some cases abortion really is the best choice, whatever my views on what I would do in that position.

OnlyLovers · 20/04/2015 10:25

I don't think YABU to be shocked. I'd be shocked too –not so much if someone said they were anti-abortion (although I am firmly pro-choice myself), but if they could not find even a scrap of empathy for someone in that situation.

She thinks if you get pregnant and you don't want it, it's tough, it's your fault and you should live with it.

I don't think I could get past this. I'd be rethinking my friendship with them. But that'd be OK because presumably they'd be rethinking their friendship with me too.

TheoriginalLEM · 20/04/2015 10:25

Purple, yes of course, badly worded on my part, i didn't mean on this thread but sadly people do have abortions just because being pregnant at that time in their life is not part of their plans. I do judge those people but i am also aware that for some women, continuing a pregnancy is just not a viable option and would of course never judge those.

SurlyCue · 20/04/2015 10:26

Of course abortion isnt a form of contraception, you'd need to be pretty ignorant of the meaning of the word "contraception" (it means to prevent conception) to think abortion was anything to do with contraception as abortion is specifically to end a pregnancy, which generally only occurs after conception Hmm

Original poster
CandyLane · 20/04/2015 10:27

She is very young, not much experience of hard stuff, IYKWIM.
She got pregnant young and for her abortion was never an option so she seems to think since she had an unplanned baby that everybody should.
Absolutely no concept of the problems that some people face in their lives.

It's the lack of empathy that I'm disappointed with.
She was totally unable to put herself in the shoes of someone who might not want to continue with a pregnancy and how difficult that situation must be.

If I ever find myself needing a shoulder to cry on i now know who not go to.

I remember a friend once being quite judgey about another friend having an abortion, about 8 years later, after having two children of her own, she had an abortion herself.
I suppose our life experience and struggles shape who we are and our opinions.

I used to not believe in aborting a baby because of medical problems, but I now sit on the fence. I think once you have children you then have to take those in to account and consider what impact it would have on their lives. I just pray to God that I never find myself in the situation as I've got no idea what I would do.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 20/04/2015 10:29

I've encountered a person who had an abortion for "no good reason". This person said -- i don't want a baby now, but next year i will.

Thats a perfectly valid reason. The only reason a woman needs to have an abortion is that she doesnt want to continue that pregnancy.

Kewcumber · 20/04/2015 10:30

Well, men do have consequences from unplanned pregnancies Kewcumber

Well yes some men do sometimes.

Women always suffer the results of an unwanted pregnancy (I think we agree on that) and I'm not stressing about the sexual inequality of it - I'm discussing it.

And if you don't think that some people think that unwanted pregnancy for sex is comeuppance for a woman (when they never/rarely think that of a man) then I think you're being naive.

Yes of course sometimes people might believe that if you were adult enough to have sex then you're adult enough to deal with the consequences (yes IMO which includes being adult enough to terminate the pregnancy Confused) but I'm really surprised you've never come across the sexual shaming side of pregnancy.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 10:31

that's right - it is a 'woman's right to choose' after all - nowhere in that does it state that you have to get approval from the general public or random strangers, now does it?

TheoriginalLEM · 20/04/2015 10:33

I don't really think being pedantic about the semantics is a valid argument really is it. There is no semantics in the fact that person did not have a valid reason for ending that particular babies life becuase it was the wrong time Hmm though. A person might have an abortion because, at that time, a pregnancy would be a disaster, a year or so later it might not be, but that type of thinking is terrible and I would hope that she didn't have the procedure done on the NHS.