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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to phone the police?

137 replies

itsallawry · 18/04/2015 14:03

My dsis phone at about 8:30am from a payphone crying and asking for money. I said yes she can borrow some and she said she would come to my house for it straight away. She hasn't turn up Sad I've tried phoning her kids mobile phones but they are all switched off and her landline has been smashed up.
I'm worried her partner has done something to her ( I have another thread about her abusive partner on here). When she phoned she was crying talking about killing herself and told me he had been violent again these past few days including this morning.

WIBU to phone the police to check on her? Would they do that? I don't want to waste police time.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsallawry · 18/04/2015 21:22

She won't move out of our city, completely refuses to. Her children won't say anything, they've had it drummed into them that social services are evil. I don't think I can do anything anymoreSad I'm tired of dealing with it all. I suppose what happens will happen.
Thank you all once again.

I have no idea about anything to do with 4k. I think that was someone else's thread.

OP posts:
Comfortzone · 18/04/2015 21:26

I can only hope the teachers at the school step up in their capacity as welfare observers to report this alongside any further reporting that you do OP. Your sister knows you are there, you've done so much already for her, so I'm hoping she will soon waken up and act in the interests and protection of her children if nothing else to get professional help with this situation. Before the worst happens.

Blueskybrightstar · 18/04/2015 21:28

I admire your choice to put your toddler first - it is the right thing to do.

Original poster
itsallawry · 18/04/2015 21:31

Even if by some miracle she did move city then I'm pretty sure her older children would tell their dad where she is. They already lie to get her in trouble with him knowing he will beat her Angry how do you deal with that?

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Original poster
itsallawry · 18/04/2015 21:32

Thank you bluesky.

OP posts:
Lweji · 18/04/2015 21:35

Sorry about the amount. No idea where that came from. But she did ask for money from you.

Original poster
itsallawry · 18/04/2015 21:39

Yes, I gave her a small amount.

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 18/04/2015 21:39

I agree that oyu have to protect your toddler, even though I feel desperately sorry for the children involved. they sound like they have been incredibly damaged already.

ImperialBlether · 18/04/2015 21:45

OP, can I ask you a question (might get flamed for this.)

Your sister has had more children than she can deal with, is that right? (I'm from a very big family, so I'm not judging here.)

Do you think that if a social worker/doctor said to her, "If you get your tubes tied, we'll give you £5,000" she would do it?

Does the violence from her partner pause whilst she's pregnant?

Is there a financial incentive to her having a lot of children?

Hope you don't mind my asking these questions.

pissedglitter · 18/04/2015 21:49

What a heartbreaking situation
I hope she manages to be free if this animal soon

TenerifeSea · 18/04/2015 21:50

You're in an impossible situation. :( I really feel for you. I hope you're able to take some comfort from the advice and support here.

Original poster
itsallawry · 18/04/2015 21:57

He didn't want that many children, she can't use hormonal contraception or the coil because of health problems. Most of the children are the result of rapes by her partner. She begged for years to be sterrilised but the consultants kept refusing because she is relatively young and might have wanted more ( even though she had 6). They finally agreed after she had number 9.
When he is not around she can actually cope fine with the children, she has a very logistical mind so it is quite easy for her. She is intelligent and was actually offered a place on a degree course purely on the basis of her talent ( she has no qualifications), but of course he wouldn't allow it.

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Original poster
itsallawry · 18/04/2015 21:58

It should say " she didn't want" not he

OP posts:
Original poster
itsallawry · 18/04/2015 21:59

He is just as violent when she is pregnant.

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Original poster
itsallawry · 18/04/2015 22:21

Why did you want to know ImperialBlether? ( if you don't mind )

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Starlightbright1 · 18/04/2015 22:47

I think you are in an impossible situation. I doubt she does feel there is a way out.

It sounds like you are doing all you can while keeping your child safe

DragonsCanHop · 18/04/2015 23:08

Horrible situation for you both. You sound like you have done everything physically possible to be there for her and have reached a point where, for your own family, enough is enough.

In my area and my case I was allowed to be sterilized as soon as I asked, I had sections though so it may be different. I was very early 30s.

frizzyhairstress · 19/04/2015 09:57

There comes a point where if she is unable to make safe choices for the children then she shouldn't be allowed contact with them. They need to be removed from her.

TenerifeSea · 19/04/2015 10:51

The system has really failed your sister and her children, haven't they? :( It's disgraceful.

I can't remember if anyone has suggested this but have you spoken to Women's Aid for support and advice for you? Flowers

ImperialBlether · 19/04/2015 12:37

I just wondered whether there was anything that anyone could offer that could stop a woman in that situation from having more children who were going to suffer at the hands of the relationship.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 19/04/2015 12:58

It's hard with DV situations. My friend was in a physically violent relationship and I once witnessed one of the attacks whilst trying to get their child out the room and to safety. My friend covered in bruises and a lumpy head was cautioned for wasting police time because the monster denied everything and made her out to have a mental illness. I called a refuge on her behalf but she just wouldn't go out of fear he would hunt her down or SS would take the child. It really is tough and no one has the right to judge until you've personally experienced it. I hope your sister gets her happy ending soon

Original poster
itsallawry · 19/04/2015 18:07

I'm glad so many of you are understanding of the position I'm in.
We spoke today and she says she is realising that its having a negative impact on the children. She wants to break free from him but just doesn't know how.
It seems like the scales have lifted from her eyes a bit, she has never admitted any negative impact on the children before. Hopefully this is the start of change.

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 19/04/2015 19:57

Wouldn't Women's Aid be a good place for her to get help and protection for herself and her children?

PaulaJane37 · 20/04/2015 07:41

Itsallawry, if you pm me details, name and address of your sister I'm quite prepared to make a call to the DV unit of the police force where she lives. There is enough information on this thread to make a serious report of DV for a welfare check to be done and maybe she would give a statement, I would also explain that she may be a reluctant witness and would need a lot of support and explaining that bail conditions could be sought to prevent him contacting her or going near her and that there are other provisions that can be put in place. As far as I can see there is enough evidence for the moorov doctrine to be applied (one witness, similar events corroborate each other) so this scumbag can be remanded in custody and hopefully thereafter go to jail! And any cop worth their salt would be doing door to door enquiries asking the neighbours if they have ever seen or heard anything to corroborate things. If you can't get involved, and I can see why not, I'm sufficiently concerned by what I have read to phone police and SS, that way she can't cut you out and you can still be there for her.

Comfortzone · 20/04/2015 07:54

I would second PaulaJane's idea if only to prevent further injury or worse to your sister or her kids this week.