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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to phone the police?

137 replies

itsallawry · 18/04/2015 14:03

My dsis phone at about 8:30am from a payphone crying and asking for money. I said yes she can borrow some and she said she would come to my house for it straight away. She hasn't turn up Sad I've tried phoning her kids mobile phones but they are all switched off and her landline has been smashed up.
I'm worried her partner has done something to her ( I have another thread about her abusive partner on here). When she phoned she was crying talking about killing herself and told me he had been violent again these past few days including this morning.

WIBU to phone the police to check on her? Would they do that? I don't want to waste police time.

OP posts:
NewLeaflet · 18/04/2015 19:48

Sorry, I don't mean to sound judgemental, it must be a horrible situation for you and you must feel helpless.

Libitina · 18/04/2015 19:51

Even if she is currently refusing help, she may accept it one day so keep offering. In the meantime you need to try to protect her children if she can't atm. Report what she has told you to the police and continue to keep doing so.

I hope she see's the light before it's too late.

Dannie22b · 18/04/2015 19:51

Also ring social care anonymously, express your concerns. i thought that after 3 or 4 DV call outs the police and social care were suppose to get involved

Original poster
itsallawry · 18/04/2015 19:52

I look after the kids as much as I can so they can at least get a break from it all. Its not my fault social services won't act, I can't keep on at them all the time, I have other responsibilities in my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsallawry · 18/04/2015 19:55

The police and children's services have been involved a lot, numerous times in fact. They have just closed a case on her despite them knowing he was still abusing her. Even her own support workers have reported it to children's services. They just don't seem to care.

OP posts:
maroonedwithfour · 18/04/2015 19:58

Shes your sister op, you sound resigned to her murder. Keep reporting and supporting. Hes a fucking animal.

RJnomore · 18/04/2015 20:03

You know itsall, I kinda disagree with a lot of the other posters.

You have done as much as reasonably can be expected. She knows you are there should she ever decide to act. She is an adult, and while her decisions are terrible they are her decisions to make. You cannot take the children forcibly even if you had space and wanted to, and for some reason the powers that be don't feel there is enough of a risk to them to remove them.

You are right, you have your own life and your own child and you do have to put her first. As long as your sister and your nieces and nephews know you are there if and when any of them do decide to act, I don't think people should be on here making you feel bad for making the right choice to ensure your own child's safety first and foremost.

It might be useful to start keeping a diary though, logging what she has told you and when, in case she decides to accept help at a later date.

curlyweasel · 18/04/2015 20:04

Not only are the children at risk of witnessing violence, they're at risk of attack themselves. You need to call the duty team and the police immediately and report what has been told to you. If you can find out who the chair of your local safeguarding children's board is - this info should be available via your local authority website - you should also contact them (if you have no joy with head of children's services or the police). You need to escalate this op - safeguarding is everyone's responsibility. I'm so sorry you are stuck in this horrible situation but there are things you can and should do that won't put you or your dc at risk.

AyeAmarok · 18/04/2015 20:06

I can't believe how incompetent SS and the police are being. Is she in the UK?

FenellaFellorick · 18/04/2015 20:07

Why don't You trust her children around your toddler? Are you seeing behaviours that are the result of traumatised children growing up in an abusive situation?
I hope you can manage to get ss to listen to you and to take those children out of this awful situation.

10storeylovesong · 18/04/2015 20:08

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Psipsina · 18/04/2015 20:09

I can see how hard this must be if reporting seems to achieve nothing but a worse situation for her children.

Can't believe no one is doing anything more. I am so sorry, it's clearly not your fault.

What CAN we do? I feel at a loss.

123upthere · 18/04/2015 20:12

If we all thought oh there's nothing more I can do, then what happens? Do you just wait for that phone call? Who is next of kin for the kids if the worst happens? If he doesn't live with her, has she taken precautions - restraining orders etc?

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 18/04/2015 20:20

I will do something, I just have to think what

I sincerely think you do have to do something and do it urgently OP.
Please don't let your fears become reality.

Could you call Childline and Social Services anonymously?
It's election time, could you make appointments to see your DIS's local councillor and MP and ask for their advice, make the situation their problem?

You already know that your DSIS doesn't have the strength to start the process of being safe from this man so someone else needs to intervene if the authorities have failed her and her children up to now.

What a horrific situation, that family really do need rescuing.

Original poster
itsallawry · 18/04/2015 20:21

I guess their father is next of kin but I can't see him wanting them. The police did accept what she was saying over the phone, but I suppose they could have arranged to visit her, its not unlike her to hide something like that from me.
I don't trust the children because they can be quite violent, my dd was kicked by one of them when she was 1 year old (the child actually looked at me and ran up and kicked her!), they kick stones at her and one of them attempted to suffocate a sibling with a pillow.
I will keep offering help and support.

OP posts:
Nemosdaughter · 18/04/2015 20:22

OP, I really feel for you.

I have worked with victims of domestic violence and I have also seen its effects in my personal life.

You are right to protect your own boundaries, your own child, whether that's by not reacting immediately when she called this morning, not going over there, or not inviting your sister and children to stay with you.

You will get an ear-bashing on here for "not doing more" as people don't like to feel helpless but you are relatively helpless in terms of the choices have to come from your sister. It will probably take a whole lot of professional support for her to leave / protect her children, and unless she is ready to engage with that or you have enough evidence to ring social services and definitely get the children taken into care, it's very hard to know what you can do.

Women's Aid would be able to give you some advice on how to continue to support your sister.

RandomMess · 18/04/2015 20:27

Just horrific situation for you, for your sister and all your DN but as you know if she won't report or end the relationship there is little you can do apart from continue to report to social services Sad Angry

123upthere · 18/04/2015 20:40

I agree OP is relatively helpless as Nemosdaughter suggests. I sincerely hope someone on here can suggest something be done.
It's basically one man affecting the lives of 10 people - badly. Sounds like the kids are already copying what they've seen. I am so sad about this. Feeling very helpless OP so I apologise to you if I'm coming across as stern, I guess you've heard so much of it from her you can't see how to help anymore. But please don't give up hope. Something will be done for them.

Original poster
itsallawry · 18/04/2015 20:41

Thank you to the posters who can see things from my POV, it means a lot.
I will talk to women's aid again, see what they suggest. My dsis thinks they are useless after they offered her a refuge...directly opposite his mothers house Hmm
I do care for her.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/04/2015 20:54

She could go to WA and therefore a refuge in a completely different area???

Could you sell it to her as a fresh start perhaps, new area, new life?

FlabbyMummy · 18/04/2015 20:56

No words of wisdom from me but just keep doing what you are doing OP. You are a good person. Best wishes

Maryz · 18/04/2015 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 18/04/2015 21:06

Have you lent her the 4k? What did she want them for?

I think, in fact, you need to take a step back here and tell her that you'll be there for her when she wants to leave.
She is the only one who can do it.

Although I do wonder about the police, as I understood that there wasn't necessarily the need for the victim to press charges these days.

Dannie22b · 18/04/2015 21:06

Op this must be so difficult for you. I hope you have some support to help you support your sister as much as possible. Keep reporting.

ImperialBlether · 18/04/2015 21:22

Maryz, I would imagine there are a lot of big families that are taken into care, or where some members are taken into care, because even the strongest of us would struggle with that situation and once you factor in a violent person, it's easy to see how everything goes to pot.

They can still give support even if they don't take them into care.

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