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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to phone the police?

137 replies

itsallawry · 18/04/2015 14:03

My dsis phone at about 8:30am from a payphone crying and asking for money. I said yes she can borrow some and she said she would come to my house for it straight away. She hasn't turn up Sad I've tried phoning her kids mobile phones but they are all switched off and her landline has been smashed up.
I'm worried her partner has done something to her ( I have another thread about her abusive partner on here). When she phoned she was crying talking about killing herself and told me he had been violent again these past few days including this morning.

WIBU to phone the police to check on her? Would they do that? I don't want to waste police time.

OP posts:
123upthere · 18/04/2015 18:44

This is awful. Does any other poster know what to do in this situation? Clearly this man will never change. What does she do now having said she doesn't want help? How many children does she have OP?

NewLeaflet · 18/04/2015 18:44

He tried to suffocate her yesterday and beat her a bit.

I think you need to contact children's services to let them know that. It isn't about whether your sister wants help, it is about ensuring her children are safe, and hopefully ensuring their mother lives to look after them.

123upthere · 18/04/2015 18:46

As a last resort, would you allow her to live with you temporarily, locks changed etc? I think if it was my sister in danger I would be really looking at removing her in the dead of night or while he was away, regardless of what she says she wants. Can your parents help? Sorry for all my questions, I'm sure you're exhausted.

ImperialBlether · 18/04/2015 18:48

I wouldn't want her living with me if she's feeling so negative about change and if her boyfriend knew where he was living. It could end up as a bloodbath.

ImperialBlether · 18/04/2015 18:51

I would go back to social services and tell them everything. They all need protecting and she isn't in a position to do that herself. Never mind what she wants - she's in thrall to a fucking lunatic and she needs someone overseeing her now.

123upthere · 18/04/2015 18:52

I meant as an immediate safe house if no other option

Original poster
itsallawry · 18/04/2015 18:54

She isn't crying wolf, its just me that is tired of going through the same thing again and again with her. Nothing ever changes, she always goes back to him. ( though they don't live together). Children's services don't seem to do anything, domestic violence service can't secure her home as her housing association won't allow it (she has a broken front door and window, by him). Police burst into her house one day and saw him holding a knife to her throat but he ran out of the broken window and they couldn't catch him so apparently there was not enough evidence to do anything Hmm
I can't have her in my house, she has 9 kids and I only have a tiny 2 bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsallawry · 18/04/2015 18:56

I'm just glad she isn't dead tbh.

OP posts:
123upthere · 18/04/2015 19:00

Oh OP, so sorry. I'm hoping someone will be along soon with some better advice.

ImperialBlether · 18/04/2015 19:00

Nine children? I'm amazed they haven't been put into care. I would really keep on stressing this to social services - it's wrong that they should be at home with those levels of stress.

fixedit · 18/04/2015 19:03

I know what Its like to have a sister in this situation, it's bloody frustrating. I would call child services before it gets any worse. Best of luck OP.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 18/04/2015 19:06

9 kids? surely there must be a lot of social workers etc involved in this family's set up, with her history of being attacked by this scumbag? surely they don't think the kids are safe in that environment? If nothing else the kids will let on at school what sort of things go on at home and the school will pass on their concerns. I would have thought your sister is at risk of her DC being removed if she refuses to a) distance herself from this man emotionally b)report him to the police. Would the threat of that be enough of a wake up call to her?

FenellaFellorick · 18/04/2015 19:07

this time. Sad I hope that she gets to the point where she is ready to leave him and accepts and believes that there is help out there for her.

Does he beat the children as well? It must be hell for them to grow up with no choice but to live like this. It will affect them for the rest of their lives.

Poor woman. It's no life at all for her or the children.

I don't blame you for choosing to protect your child from any possible danger. It's the right thing to do, always.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 18/04/2015 19:08

I'm just glad she isn't dead tbh

not this time she isn't Sad
but next time she might be and those kids might have witnessed something truly awful Sad

what a hideous life to be living, I hope you and others around her can help her be strong and do the right thing

Psipsina · 18/04/2015 19:10

Suffocating, strangling and smothering are massive red flags in a DV situation OP. They mean that the perpetrator is more likely to kill.

Sorry to tell you that. Holding a knife to her throat sounds pretty fucking serious as well tbh

I hate to put this onto you, but if you don't report these incidents then she or the children are killed how will you feel?

You HAVE to say something to someone

ImperialBlether · 18/04/2015 19:12

I don't understand how he hasn't been locked up. Is she refusing to give information to the police, so they can't proceed?

Psipsina · 18/04/2015 19:12

Also it's not about her any more or what she wants. If she refuses help she is COMPLICIT in what is happening to the children.

PLEASE report this and don't give up, for their sake, not hers. They have no choice and are probably DESPERATE for someone to intervene.

paddlenorapaddle · 18/04/2015 19:18

Contact your local crime commissioner the police have failed in their duty of care and safe guarding towards your sister and her children the decision to protect them needs to be taken out of her hands.

NewLeaflet · 18/04/2015 19:23

If normal reporting methods have no effect, try writing to the head of children's services in your area. Include in the letter what you have told us. Also mention your belief (possibly from your other thread) that they are taking the situation less seriously due to culture sensitivities.

Repeat this each time something serious happens.

Make it clear you are keeping copies of the letters.

That might kick someone into action.

123upthere · 18/04/2015 19:32

NSPCC?

Dannie22b · 18/04/2015 19:41

Tell the police and children's services what she has said to you. She and those children are at risk. To be honest if if was one of my sisters I would put them up no matter how many children.
Hope you are ok? It must be awful to see a loved one in such a terrible situation

Original poster
itsallawry · 18/04/2015 19:43

I know he will most likely kill her, the police have told me that's what they think will happen.
I've reported to social services a couple of times before, the last time resulted in her cutting contact with me for some time. I don't want that to happen again because then the kids won't have anyone to watch out for them.

OP posts:
NewLeaflet · 18/04/2015 19:47

But how are you looking out for them if you are simply allowing social services and the police to turn a blind eye until he kills her?

Original poster
itsallawry · 18/04/2015 19:47

How would I fit them all in my house? Its a strange three quarter size house, besides she will just go back. I also don't trust her kids around my toddler.
I will do something, I just have to think what.

OP posts:
Dannie22b · 18/04/2015 19:48

I can't believe that the police have not taken control of the situation.
If they think he will kill her. They need to step in. Where I live they can remove a preparator from the home. Your sister also needs to find a freedom programme to attend, to help her break free.