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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a blubbering mess?

118 replies

Glitterball86 · 16/04/2015 10:45

I was going to NC but I really didn't see the point people will probably judge me regardless

I am 28 my partner is 18, almost 19 we have been together for a year and a half.

Like any couple we have had our ups and downs but I do genuinely love him and , prior to our relationship, had been single for 5 years so wasn't afraid of being on my own.

On the whole we are very happy and I am pregnant with our first DC which we are both extremely happy/nervous/scared/excited about however last night he dropped the bomb that it would be better for our child if we weren't together that way our child wouldn't have to witness any arguments etc

Whilst I can understand his point of view, this has come out out of the blue and I feel extremely upset and have been a blubbering wreck all morning - as selfish as it sounds I have always made it clear that I would not chose to have a child for the sake of it and would like to bring a child up as part of a loving family unit

Whilst my 'idea' may just be that I really don't know who to turn to or what to say do or think anymore

As selfish as it sounds the thought of him being with anyone else makes me feel really sick and I don't want to lose him

Have not got anyone in RL to talk to as majority of my friends disowned me as they don't approve of the age gap in our relationship (so they can't really have been friends in the first place) and I am disappointed in myself for allowing myself to be in the position and really don't know what to do :/

OP posts:

DisappointedOne · 16/04/2015 10:50

Your boyfriend is only just finding his own way in life. He's probably at the point you were at 15/16. Could you have planned your life at that age without changing your mind soon afterwards?

JemimaPuddlePop · 16/04/2015 10:50

Whilst I can understand his point of view

Why is this? Do you actually argue a lot then.

Tbh from an outsider looking in, it sounds like a young lad has just discovered he's to be a father and has panicked. Was the baby planned?

ImperialBlether · 16/04/2015 10:50

Oh why on earth did you get pregnant when the father was only 18? Haven't you got any common sense at all? Don't you remember what boys that age are like?

He isn't even old enough to realise the impact of pregnancy on your life or the impact of leaving a child without a resident father.

Until recently he had to show ID to buy a bottle of beer. What on earth made you think he was old enough to be a father?

curlyweasel · 16/04/2015 10:52

Oh Glitter, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You musn't feel disappointed in yourself. You haven't allowed yourself to be in the position that you are. How could you have prevented it? You're greiving at the moment so it will be hard to even think about making any decisions just yet. You need to be kind to yourself. At least for a few days. x

FujimotosElixir · 16/04/2015 10:53

Was it planned op? i was a 19 year old mum and so was the dad, i have some insight.

HolgerDanske · 16/04/2015 10:53

I'm not judging.

But I do think you will have to listen to what he's saying and let him go. He's not ready for this and might resent you and act out quite badly if you make him stay which will be a lot worse for you and your child in the long run.

I would probably work it out so that he is very involved but just not live together.

I'm so sorry for you, this must be so difficult.

BadLad · 16/04/2015 10:54

It's complete nonsense as a reason for breaking up. I suspect the truth is the reality of the commitments he now has has just hit him. That is young for a man to settle down, in my opinion. He will see his peers, school friends etc as having years of carefree having fun with no ties ahead of them. I'd try to get more out of him than that about what the problem is if I were you.

JemimaPuddlePop · 16/04/2015 10:54

What are you on about Curly?

curlyweasel · 16/04/2015 10:54

Imperial I'm surprised at you. Very harsh.

HolgerDanske · 16/04/2015 10:54

Oh and yes, if you do argue a lot there's probably some truth to what he's saying.

curlyweasel · 16/04/2015 10:56

Err, what do you mean Jemima?

Reginafalangie · 16/04/2015 10:58

No point in berating the OP for getting pregnant to an 18 yo. It is done and what she was asking for is advice and support. If you cannot offer that why post

OP there is nothing you can do. If he wants to end the relationship then he will. What you need to do is make plans on how you will cope being a single parent. He is using a childish reason to end the relationship you know that.

Do you work?
What mat leave will you get?
Will you go back to work?
What child care?
Is he in a position to pay for his child and will he?
Are you in a position to financially support your child?

Honestly you need to look at being a parent without his involvement because the likelihood is even if he doesn't end the relationship now he will at some point. Best to prepare yourself now and be in a position to cope and manage alone. You can try reconnecting with friends. Do you have family who will support you?

Good luck OP.

stilllovingmysleep · 16/04/2015 10:58

Do you argue a lot OP?

JemimaPuddlePop · 16/04/2015 10:59

Haven't allowed yourself to be in this position...you're grieving...

I thought maybe there was a backstory or you were replying to the wrong thread tbh Curly as it seemed an 'odd' reply to what the op posted.

curlyweasel · 16/04/2015 11:01

I think it's wrong to assume that just because he's 18 he's too young to have children/a relationship with an older woman. Some 18 year olds are very mature. Not the majority, but some. My dp's 12 years my junior (not the same age ranges as the OP though). We've just had a child. We're closer than ever. If he left whilst I was pregnant, I would NEVER have seen it coming because of our relationship history.

stilllovingmysleep · 16/04/2015 11:02

Yes I also felt Curly's response might have been to a different post

scarletforya · 16/04/2015 11:03

Imperial is right. I'm in an age gap relationship myself with a child but we were both full adults when we met, him 20s, me 30s.

An 18 year olds brain has not finished developing. It takes until your mid twenties before the brain is fully developed.

I'm afraid you built castles on sand here Op. I'm sorry for you but it wasn't the wisest decision.

scarletforya · 16/04/2015 11:04

I mean I'm in an age gap relationship and we have a child. It sounded bad the way I worded it.

SaucyJack · 16/04/2015 11:05

I'm sorry OP. I dunno what you can do if he wants to leave tho.

Hindsight's a wonderful thing innit.

Fairenuff · 16/04/2015 11:05

Do you live together?

HolgerDanske · 16/04/2015 11:06

Notice I specifically didn't say he's too young, for exactly that reason. I was 19 when I had my first child. My ex husband was the same age. We did fine and were both plenty capable of being good parents and taking on that responsibility. However I do think this 18 year old doesn't sound like he's ready.

Unless you actually do have a very volatile relationship, in which case he's right and you would be much better living apart and making good co-parents rather than trying to stay together and bringing up a child in the midst of a high-stress situation.

Bakeoffcake · 16/04/2015 11:06

God can't you remember being 18? Both my DDs at theat age had boyfriends who they were "madly in love with" they broke up with them after about a year. You can't really expect most 18 year olds to make such life long decisions and stick to them, forever.

curlyweasel · 16/04/2015 11:07

So you're saying the op did "allow" this Jemima? I think that's a bit too b&w and frankly it seems the op's blaming herself enough without others saying she's responsible for the situation. I would also argue that yes, she is grieving. She's just had her world turned upside down. Don't want to argue with anyone. Just seeing it with a bit of personal expereince.

AGirlCalledBoB · 16/04/2015 11:08

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

You are probably fastly realising getting pregnant by someone who has barely became a adult is not the best decision. At 18, some can cope really well with being a parent but some are scared senseless of the responsibility.

Oh well what's done is done, I would play it cool and hopefully he will come round.

Fairenuff · 16/04/2015 11:09

Allow what, exactly, curly?

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