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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a blubbering mess?

118 replies

Glitterball86 · 16/04/2015 10:45

I was going to NC but I really didn't see the point people will probably judge me regardless

I am 28 my partner is 18, almost 19 we have been together for a year and a half.

Like any couple we have had our ups and downs but I do genuinely love him and , prior to our relationship, had been single for 5 years so wasn't afraid of being on my own.

On the whole we are very happy and I am pregnant with our first DC which we are both extremely happy/nervous/scared/excited about however last night he dropped the bomb that it would be better for our child if we weren't together that way our child wouldn't have to witness any arguments etc

Whilst I can understand his point of view, this has come out out of the blue and I feel extremely upset and have been a blubbering wreck all morning - as selfish as it sounds I have always made it clear that I would not chose to have a child for the sake of it and would like to bring a child up as part of a loving family unit

Whilst my 'idea' may just be that I really don't know who to turn to or what to say do or think anymore

As selfish as it sounds the thought of him being with anyone else makes me feel really sick and I don't want to lose him

Have not got anyone in RL to talk to as majority of my friends disowned me as they don't approve of the age gap in our relationship (so they can't really have been friends in the first place) and I am disappointed in myself for allowing myself to be in the position and really don't know what to do :/

OP posts:
GlitterTwinkleToes · 16/04/2015 13:01

Woah, bit harsh there Adara
OP has asked for support, not people saying for her to consider a termination at 20 weeks Hmm

cashewnutty · 16/04/2015 13:02

I wonder if he has just got in a bit of a panic when he has realised what a commitment he is making having a baby with you. You are at an age when you know you are ready to have a baby but he is still young. I would give him space to work this through and hopefully he will decide to remain with you if that is the right thing to do.

NataliaBaker · 16/04/2015 13:02

I hadn't even realise the age in that sense adara. That does seem very strange for a 26/27 year old to be going for a 16/17 year old. Almost like the bio clock was ticking and he was an easy target.

Satsumafairy · 16/04/2015 13:05

It's horrible when things turn out differently to the way you expected, especially when you are pregnant. I guess I'd do what I always do when someone I know is in a panic about something, give them some sense of control. I know it's very hard but I think I'd tell him that much as you absolutely don't want him to he should move out if he feels he must. That you understand his worries and that you are nervous too.

Adarajames · 16/04/2015 13:06

Glitter not really, as I said, switch the genders, and people would be screaming abuse

HighwayDragon · 16/04/2015 13:09

So you were in a relationship with a 16yo when you were 26? If my 16yo dd bought a 26yo man home I'd probably punch him. But I realise that's unhelpful...

GlitterTwinkleToes · 16/04/2015 13:11

Adara I didn't even consider the age difference, all I meant was you were suggesting to consider a termination when OP was against the idea.
But the age thing, wow.Confused

LaurieFairyCake · 16/04/2015 13:12

Can you clarify that you were dating him while he was 16 and you were 25?

I think you are in a very unusual and undesirable relationship with a person too young for this/you.

You are making very poor choices and I'm wondering what's led you to doing this?

You are going to have to seek a lot of help as you might be a lone parent from now on.

It sounds like you're in quite a bad place.

Adarajames · 16/04/2015 13:13

Glitter I wasn't suggesting a termination at all, I was just pointing out that if it was something op might consider, she'd need to do so very quickly due to time limits

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 16/04/2015 13:16

As others have stated the penny has probably only just dropped with this lad as to the utter enormity of the challenges and responsibilities that lie ahead and he is getting cold feet. Very few 18 year old lads are going to be mature enough to fully grasp what they are letting themselves into and although I am projecting here I find it hard to believe he was the one leading the charge to start a family. Sorry but I think you were expecting a bit much when you started dating a 17 year old who had just finished his GCSEs.

Fairenuff · 16/04/2015 13:18

If he is nearly 19 he would have been 17 when they first got together but still, 27 year old woman and 17 year old teenager is not ideal, he is/was definitely too young.

I don't the think it's the age difference so much, just that had hadn't even had a chance to mature properly and become an adult.

27/37 would have been ok imo.

GlitterTwinkleToes · 16/04/2015 13:18

Apologies Adara, I misinterpreted that

Adarajames · 16/04/2015 13:26

Glitter no worries, easily done with online conversations Smile

theendoftheendoftheend · 16/04/2015 13:28

Wow people really do love nothing more then to put the boot in when someone's down.
Suggestions op should consider aborting at 20 weeks just because the dad's thrown a strop Shock
MN the fount of all judgy smugness.

pocketsaviour · 16/04/2015 13:31

OP, I'm sorry you're in this position, and that you have no RL support.

It might be worth asking the MN team to move this post into the relationships forum where you are likely to get more supportive and practical advice.

To do that, just press to "Report" your own post and ask the MN team to have it moved to Relationships.

Egog · 16/04/2015 13:32

Age gap aside, you've got to think about what YOU want to do now.

I have the utmost empathy for you right now- whatever you decide to do, I think you're going to need to grow a thick skin quickly to cope with the inevitable judgment you'll receive.

Good luck - plenty of people make fabulous single parents, if that's what you decide to do.

FFSletmechangemyname · 16/04/2015 13:34

OP I'm sorry you're going through this a PP is correct in that you are grieving, not only for your relationship but also for the future you thought you had. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

I was a 17 yr old in a relationship with a 30 yr old and had DD1 at 21 with him. It was him that wasn't mature enough and I was so it didn't last through the baby stage, age is really just a number. DD is now 13 and her dad has only just settled down now at 45 or so.

I cannot believe how judgemental some people are, the op didn't ask for judgment but support.
Does it matter if the baby was planned etc it is done and OP can only deal with what's happening now and in the future.

Thanks For you OP

DisappointedOne · 16/04/2015 13:38

At 17 I was living with my 27 year old boyfriend. I'm now 37 and thank my lucky stars I never had a baby with him. Make of that what you will.

popalot · 16/04/2015 13:40

well, considering his youth he has been very honest and mature about telling you why he wants to exit the relationship. I'm sure you're gutted, but at least he's been honest. Now concentrate on yourself and the baby. Have a break from relationships until the child is older. It hasn't worked out and you realise it was a long shot. It's happened and a wonderful new life is the result. That is what you need to focus on now.

Number3cometome · 16/04/2015 13:41

OP I remember you from the TTC boards at the same time as me - you said at the time your OH was in his 20's - probably because you knew the reaction you would get if you said both of your real ages?

You are going to have to go this alone. Sorry, but you have entered a relationship and decided to have a baby with someone who clearly was not ready. Yes he is a wanker, but I do wonder if he knew what he was getting himself in to!

It's not easy being a single parent, but you are better off doing that, than waiting around for someone to grow up.

Original poster
Glitterball86 · 16/04/2015 13:42

We have been together a year and a half, he is almost 19 was 17 when we started going out I was 27 at the time

OP posts:
SoleSource · 16/04/2015 13:45

Do his parents approve? Will they want to know the baby?

Original poster
Glitterball86 · 16/04/2015 13:48

Thank you all for your kind words

I know, in the long run, I have to do what is right for me and the baby and I would certainly not be in any rush to entertain even the idea of another relationship within the next few years

It's cliche but I really thought this time it was different we were so happy.

For the record , both families are aware of the age gap and whilst it was a shock to many at first both have been accepting at welcoming myself and him in to both sides of the family and I would never stop his family seeing our child either

OP posts:
AGirlCalledBoB · 16/04/2015 13:55

My sister did the same, she got pregnant at 21 by a 17 year old. The dad is not involved at all because he is just not mature. Women and mothers do find it easier to face up to kids but a young man can be very different.

I think you are just going to face up that you may be raising this baby with minimal support. He has got cold feet and may be around once the baby is here, or he may not.

I would get other people around you for support and help when the baby is here. My sister is doing well with just her and the baby, so it can be done.

NataliaBaker · 16/04/2015 13:57

Well, they would have to welcome you, wouldn't they? That's always the advice when someone older is latching onto your child. Welcome them so you don't distance your child. It's backfired on this one.

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