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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a blubbering mess?

118 replies

Glitterball86 · 16/04/2015 10:45

I was going to NC but I really didn't see the point people will probably judge me regardless

I am 28 my partner is 18, almost 19 we have been together for a year and a half.

Like any couple we have had our ups and downs but I do genuinely love him and , prior to our relationship, had been single for 5 years so wasn't afraid of being on my own.

On the whole we are very happy and I am pregnant with our first DC which we are both extremely happy/nervous/scared/excited about however last night he dropped the bomb that it would be better for our child if we weren't together that way our child wouldn't have to witness any arguments etc

Whilst I can understand his point of view, this has come out out of the blue and I feel extremely upset and have been a blubbering wreck all morning - as selfish as it sounds I have always made it clear that I would not chose to have a child for the sake of it and would like to bring a child up as part of a loving family unit

Whilst my 'idea' may just be that I really don't know who to turn to or what to say do or think anymore

As selfish as it sounds the thought of him being with anyone else makes me feel really sick and I don't want to lose him

Have not got anyone in RL to talk to as majority of my friends disowned me as they don't approve of the age gap in our relationship (so they can't really have been friends in the first place) and I am disappointed in myself for allowing myself to be in the position and really don't know what to do :/

OP posts:
Calloh · 17/04/2015 08:47

Regardless of the ages and the naivety of both parties.

YANBU to sit there crying if your relationship has ended. It can feel like the end of the world - but it's not.

You have to think about what you want for yourself and your baby. There are options open to you if you do not think you can raise the baby yourself and help available if you do. Make a plan.

You will come out of this okay Glitter

Number3cometome · 17/04/2015 09:39

For all of those saying "it's too quick for any age"
Actually it is not.

My grandparents were married within 6 weeks of meeting, and had 8 children together, spending over 70 years together happily married until my grandad died this year.

I was with my partner for a year before I became pregnant (we live together) and are very happy - so actually this has nothing to do with the length of time of being together.

There is no set rule which says you have to live with someone for 'x' amount of time to be pregnant, that's bollocks.

I know loads of people who were together for years before having kids, then split up.

The issue here is the age of the boy in question.

OTheHugeManatee · 17/04/2015 10:03

I think it's clear the OP has made some strange and less than ideal choices here but from other things she's said there is a back story here. Her family sound rather harsh and bullying and her last relationship was EA. The OP sounds like someone with a history of emotional bruises and so while I agree with those who say the situation is far from ideal and could have been avoided it's done now and the OP needs support to deal with it, not more of a kicking. And, perhaps in time, a good therapist to help her look at her emotional patterns.

StatisticallyChallenged · 17/04/2015 12:31

I think some posters are being really harsh and should stop kicking op when she is already down.as manatee says the op has come out of an ea relationship where she was forced to have an abortion. I suspect she's far from predatory, more likely vulnerable herself and looking for love.

An age gap doesn't automatically mean some horrible exploitative relationship.

ImperialBlether · 17/04/2015 13:03

Number3cometome, there's a really good line I've read on MN, which is something like you can't extrapolate facts from your own experiences.

The fact your grandparents had a successful marriage after knowing each other such a short period of time doesn't mean that this will happen to anyone else at all.

Number3cometome · 17/04/2015 13:10

ImperialBlether

Absolutely, but the same works the other way, just because couples are together for years, doesn't mean it will work.

We have to use our own judgement as adults, I just hate hearing how you shouldn't dare plan children with someone you haven't know for 'x' amount of time. That's utter rubbish.

ImperialBlether · 17/04/2015 13:27

I think what people mean is that you shouldn't plan to have a child with someone you don't know well. Until you've seen someone in a range of circumstances then you can't know them well. You might be lucky and everything works out well, but that is luck, not judgement.

Fairenuff · 17/04/2015 13:34

Also, divorce was almost scandalous two or three generations ago so it would have been the last thing anyone would have chosen. Single mothers would have had very little, if any, support especially if they were shunned by their families, so the grandparents of our generation did tend to stay together regardless of how unhappy they may have been.

A long relationship does not automatically equate to a happy relationship. No-one on the outside can really know what goes on inside a relationship. It wasn't that long ago that it was legal for a married man to rape his wife and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.

A bit off topic I know but just to point out that comparing other relationships to this one has very little relevance.

KateSpade · 17/04/2015 14:50

It sounds like your desperate to have a baby, op - not that I'm judging at all, I read an article in the paper that was encouraging women not to wait till they were 40+, now I know your a long time off 40, but I hope you get the point - if you really want it, it's your life - don't let anyone tell you, you can't do something that you really want to do.

But I have to say, I'm not comfortable with the age gap - purely because he's a teenager. I had a crush on a boy at work and was embarrassed/not going their because he was 20 & I was 26.

I hope things work out in the end!

Number3cometome · 17/04/2015 15:21

imperial but who is to judge how long it takes to know someone 'well'

I was with my ex for 13 years, turned out I didn't know him too well after all.

Dowser · 17/04/2015 15:56

My son became a single parent at 21 and he wasn't really ready for that either,

Thank god he still lived st home and I was able to pick up the pieces.

Now at 34 he's father to an almost 18 year old , a 12 year old and a five year old and he's a brilliant dad and his kids worship him.

Let him go OP . thank him for showing you now that when the going gets tough he takes water in and flees the situation. Better you know now than spending a lifetime of these situations with him. Tell him that you feel sad that he has made the decision that he will now not have the warm loving relationship with his child that you first envisaged.
Tell him that while you would never poison his child against him you do promise to tell his child the real reason why dad doesn't live with mum and that while you are grieving now for the loss of your relationship you won't be remaining single for ever and some other man will be loving, guiding and caring for his child.

Then wish him a nice life when you close the door in his face.

Fairenuff · 17/04/2015 16:01

Tell him that you feel sad that he has made the decision that he will now not have the warm loving relationship with his child that you first envisaged.

He can still have a great relationship with the child. According to OP all he has said is 'it would be better for our child if we weren't together that way our child wouldn't have to witness any arguments etc' which does actually make sense.

PrivatePike · 17/04/2015 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WrappedInABlankie · 17/04/2015 16:02

Dowser

That's very PA and kind of comes across as a watered down emotional black mail

Stay with me or I'll tell the baby you were a scaredy cat who ran away and someone else will raise your baby Hmm

ImperialBlether · 17/04/2015 17:49

All she needs to say to her child is "Your dad was only 17 when I got pregnant. He was just too young to settle down." Even a small child would know that's very young.

Dowser · 17/04/2015 22:16

Hang on a minute.

He was old enough twenty weeks ago to decide he wanted a child. This baby wasn't the result of an accident.

This was a wanted a baby by both it's parents.

Does he really understand the consequence of his actions? This could be something that haunts him for the rest of his life if he turns his back now.

Speaking plainly to him might just make him realise he could be making the biggest mistake of his life.

Fairenuff · 17/04/2015 22:36

Without a doubt he is responsible for the child but there is no point in OP trying to guilt trip him into staying with her. If he wants to go, she has no choice. But the child can still have a relationship with him.

Adarajames · 18/04/2015 10:03

I just really hope you're not a teacher / youth worker / sw or similar op!

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