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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a blubbering mess?

118 replies

Glitterball86 · 16/04/2015 10:45

I was going to NC but I really didn't see the point people will probably judge me regardless

I am 28 my partner is 18, almost 19 we have been together for a year and a half.

Like any couple we have had our ups and downs but I do genuinely love him and , prior to our relationship, had been single for 5 years so wasn't afraid of being on my own.

On the whole we are very happy and I am pregnant with our first DC which we are both extremely happy/nervous/scared/excited about however last night he dropped the bomb that it would be better for our child if we weren't together that way our child wouldn't have to witness any arguments etc

Whilst I can understand his point of view, this has come out out of the blue and I feel extremely upset and have been a blubbering wreck all morning - as selfish as it sounds I have always made it clear that I would not chose to have a child for the sake of it and would like to bring a child up as part of a loving family unit

Whilst my 'idea' may just be that I really don't know who to turn to or what to say do or think anymore

As selfish as it sounds the thought of him being with anyone else makes me feel really sick and I don't want to lose him

Have not got anyone in RL to talk to as majority of my friends disowned me as they don't approve of the age gap in our relationship (so they can't really have been friends in the first place) and I am disappointed in myself for allowing myself to be in the position and really don't know what to do :/

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 16/04/2015 11:09

I think that what imperial said was harsh but fair, under the circumstances

18 is very young to be a father. I think that what you have to do now is focus on retaining a relationship that will allow you to co-parent, at least

If someone says they want to leave, the best thing to do is to actually facilitate that. If not, you will living on tenterhooks and set yourself up as the custodian of their happiness - ie the onus is totally on you and if they're not happy, it's your fault. That's the last thing you need when your pregnant

I would ask him to leave for the moment and see where you get to

OTheHugeManatee · 16/04/2015 11:14

Seems to me while you really don't know what to do, if your boyfriend doesn't want to stay with you and raise this baby your choices are quite limited. You can choose to keep the baby and raise it as a lone parent, or you can choose to terminate the pregnancy.

I agree with Imperial I'm afraid that choosing to embark on a pregnancy with such a young boyfriend (he's not a partner, sorry - he's already told you that loud and clear) was probably not the wisest move it's done now. What happens from here is up to you.

Thankfully we live in a country where women have choices, so think about which one you want to make.

curlyweasel · 16/04/2015 11:20

The op said she had always made it clear she would not have a child for the sake of it and that she wanted to bring it up in a family unit. Her dp has changed his mind. She is beating herself up saying she allowed herself to be in this position. I think it's a position she couldn't have known with certainty would happen. It smacks of the 'why did you chose to have a baby if you can't afford it' argument.

We can't know with certainty what will happen to us. Regardless of people's opinions about 18 year olds, we don't know the op's dp and therefore can't automatically assume she had it coming because he's a mere child. He might, for all we know, be very mature.

I'm probably going to get egg on my face, but I just wanted to try to offer a little sympathy and support rather than blaming the op for what's happened. She's already said she doesn't have anyone to speak with in RL.

Fairenuff · 16/04/2015 11:22

Was it a planned pregnancy OP? Did he actually say that he wanted to have a child with you when he was 18/19?

curlyweasel · 16/04/2015 11:24

It would be helpful to have a bit more information op.

pictish · 16/04/2015 11:24

Whatever the ins and outs are, I think you have to face the inevitability of going it alone. He's too immature by far.

Fudgeface123 · 16/04/2015 11:25

Contraceptive is a wonderful thing, I'm sorry but did you really, honestly think he'd stick around...bearing in mind he's 18?

Satsumafairy · 16/04/2015 11:26

That's a really upsetting situation op, I feel for you. I had a vaguely similar experience when I was pregnant although I did kind of see it coming and had always imagined being a single parent so it wasn't as bad but I do remember it feeling scared, sad and stressful. I don't really know many 18 year old men but I would think it would be quite normal for one to feel overwhelmed by this situation. That's not to say he isn't as responsible for it as you are just that I think it would be unusual if he wasn't worried.

If I were you I'd try to get a bit organised so that if you do find yourself on your own you feel a little bit less panicked. Hopefully that won't happen. I'm guessing you're probably arguing a lot because you're both very stressed. Flowers

Sothisishowitfeels · 16/04/2015 11:33

Dh and I found out I was pregnant with dc1 when we were both 19 but we were both already fairly stable , living together in our own flat , working etc and so we were really excited and a baby fit right in.

I don't think his age is the problem it's that you are at different stages in life and your relationship wasn't stable enough to start with.

I would think about the fact you will be a single parent and decide if that's right for you Flowers

Summerisle1 · 16/04/2015 11:34

I think that reality has just hit him hard, OP. At 18, he's bit emotionally mature no matter how good an impression he gives to the contrary. So while all has been wonderful so far - and indeed the idea of having a child with you may have been - he's suddenly realised that this means taking the sort of responsibility he's just not ready for.

I'm just sorry that this has happened. But I think you need to start planning how you'll be bringing up this child on your own.

Summerisle1 · 16/04/2015 11:34

Sorry, that should read "he's not really emotionally mature"...

senua · 16/04/2015 11:41

last night he dropped the bomb that it would be better for our child if we weren't together that way our child wouldn't have to witness any arguments etc

Whilst I can understand his point of view ...

Then you're a better woman than me. I don't understand his logic at all.Confused Talk to him and try to allay his (unfounded) worries.
Everyone argues! It's what people do, but they get through it.

NerrSnerr · 16/04/2015 11:45

Do you argue a lot? Do you live together now?

I can imagine it has hit him how big this is. Having a baby is a huge commitment to anyone, especially a teenager! You also haven't been together long. Was the baby planned?

Viviennemary · 16/04/2015 12:05

At only eighteen he is probably far from deciding how he wants his life to shape. It does seem that he doesn't feel ready for the responsibility of a lasting relationship and a child. He should have made it clear to you before you got pregnant. He should have said let's wait. Perhaps he thought that's what he wanted and now he doesn't. On the other hand plenty of mature men don't feel 'ready' for a child as can be seen on these boards quite often. Hope things work out.

Original poster
Glitterball86 · 16/04/2015 12:07

Thanks for all your replies, it is much appreciated and even writing it down as helped make me feel a bit better

We both work full time and have lived together just over a year, yes the baby was planned as I only recently started a new job I am only entitled to SMP but , whilst that would be a drastic reduction in salary for me, I know I will be able to manage

He is, or so I thought, quite mature for his age so this has come completely out of the blue and , as in previous poster mentioned, termination would not be an option as I am almost 20 weeks pregnant now

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 16/04/2015 12:17

Not to get into a debate about the ethics of termination but the current limit is 24 weeks

I think, unfortunately, that it was probably more likely that this would happen at one stage or another than not.

Do you have support from your family that you can rely on? I think it's time to try and create a network of help before the birth

Viviennemary · 16/04/2015 12:22

Would adoption be a thing you would consider if you don't want to bring the baby up as a lone parent.

Original poster
Glitterball86 · 16/04/2015 12:24

It wouldn't be an option for me (previous relationship with EA partner which resulted in me being forced to have one but that's a different story)
Yes I have family but I'm not good at talking to them about these sorts of things as they are the type that would judge and feel the need to pass comment all the time which I don't need right now

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 16/04/2015 12:28

His behaviour is entirely typical for his age OP. Did you feel that you wanted a child before you are 30 or something? Is there a particular reason why you couldn't have waited until he was older.

A year and a half into a relationship is no time at all really. Especially if you are so incompatible that you argue a lot. You haven't yet learned how to communicate properly, these were all indications that the relationship might not last.

I think you will have to plan to be on your own and maybe he will develop a relationship with the child over the coming years.

Baddz · 16/04/2015 12:30

He's 18!
He doesn't want a baby, no matter what he has told you in the past.
I'm sorry.
I understand your feelings wrt bringing up a child alone. I have 2 dc and am married and it is fucking hard at times.
Is adoption something you would/could consider?
I think he has made his positin clear tbh :(

curlyweasel · 16/04/2015 12:36

Op - do you want the baby? That's your main issue right now I think. Your ex will do what he will do. You have no control over that. What you can do is plan for your future. I'd still give yourself a little time to get over the shock though.

Original poster
Glitterball86 · 16/04/2015 12:45

Yes I want the baby regardless I am just gutted this is all happening :(

OP posts:
curlyweasel · 16/04/2015 12:52

So, you have a job, would be able to manage financially - that's a good starting point. Hopefully he'll step up and support you, but it does seem that you'll be doing this alone. Take some time to get your head round that. It's doable. For some (like me at the time) preferable. x

GlitterTwinkleToes · 16/04/2015 12:55

OP I feel for you Flowers

Let the dust settle, its not unheard of some men to panic when the pregnancy becomes Real in their eyes and to bolt at the first signs of trouble. His age is irrelevant. He may come back to you, he may not but you need to realistic now.

Are you going to cope being a single parent? Make sure you have some financial security. Anyone in RL who you can confide in, maybe building some bridges with your family?

Cry, scream, shout do what you need to do to feel somewhat better and try and detach your emotions from this (very hard to do but you will need a clear head).
If all else fails, speak to your midwife, she will be able to refer you for some support.

Adarajames · 16/04/2015 12:57

You started a relationship with a child (your op makes him 16.5 when you got together) which at 26 is questionable at best, (and if genders were reversed loads of posters would be jumping on you for this!) and are surprised he now doesnt feel able to cope with having a baby when he's not yet fully grown / matured?!
Make plans got single parenthood or very quickly decide if you want a termination as you're so close to the deadline. Foolish situation to get yourself into imo